Another Retroactive Jealousy thread

[deadelvis]

I've confronted each particular thing on the list time and time again, and each time I think I've beaten each one, they always start bothering me just as intensely if not more next time. For example, oral sex. I've always thought bj's were gross, and picturing her doing that just... it disturbs me. I know it's normal and not particularly dirty on an intellectual level, but gut level... yeah. That's not going away.

I think we need more information to figure out what's going on here.

 

How old are you?

What is your religious/spiritual background/practices?

How bad are the things she did in the past really?

 

Being grossed out by BJ's is an indication that there might be something going on besides just RJ. Honestly BJ's are so tame compared to the things I've learned to accept from my GF's past. She once did anal on the first date! How's that compare to your girlfriend giving a BJ? I am curious now about what sort of things you are having RJ over. If her giving a BJ is that upsetting to you (and you are older than 18) there might be deeper issues you need to examine within yourself.

 

Which of these 3 things seems to be at the root of your RJ

 

1. You think she is dirty or "damaged goods"

2. You think she will be dishonest or unfaithful

3. You think she has more experience than you and you don't feel adequate or equal to her past. You feel insecure and lesser than her previous sexual encounters.

 

The answer to that question will also shed some light on the root cause of your RJ.

[Davey1]

I'm in my mid-20s. So is she.

 

I do come from a very conservative Christian background. Yes, the typical "sex is dirty" type. I still think pre-marital sex is wrong, though I've tried to overlook that in the past. After all, I was pressured into things myself.

 

As for how bad her past is, we're both still technically virgins, if that's any indication.

 

As for those reasons you list DE, it's closer to 1. 2 is not a concern at all. 3... not quite. I don't like her past went on longer, but I can honestly say that measuring up isn't a concern. We both have only had one partner, and neither of us really enjoyed ourselves too much, given the unwanted circumstances and our partners' inabilities to do much for either of us.

 

But there's this sense of "This is mine and it was given away/robbed from me."

Yes, I know, irrational.

Funny thing is, she has the same background as I do and has RJ toward me as well but not as badly. So, while I don't tell her how bad it gets all the time, those few occasions I have, she gets it because she goes through it too.

[deadelvis]

That's pretty unfamiliar territory for me. I was raised by athiest hippies and taught that sex is beautiful and not dirty.

 

That being said I think the issue is more to do with your values and belief system. I'm not even sure I can advise you as I'm so unfamiliar with that situation. I've never stuggled with number 1, always number 2 or 3. I'm "dirty" enough that I've never judged others for being "dirty". I wish you luck but I think maybe someone else from a conservative/religious background can help advise you better. Best of luck.

[Davey1]

Thanks.

Yes, that's part of the hard part. You know, even the "dirty" stuff, the idea doesn't sound as bad as long as we're talking about myself.

 

There's a combination there- dirty, yes, (though in my head I know it's not), and I've done similar (such as got a bj, though not my idea and I didn't particularly like it).

 

In a way it's also like I trust myself more than other guys, especially a guy I know didn't really care about her and was using and degrading her. And the hurt that she went along with it and stooped below herself. Again, I did the same, but it still hurts.

[deadelvis]

The idea that he didn't care about her and was using/degrading her, may be a bit of an assumption. What makes you assume this?

 

Would it bother you more if she enjoyed it or if she was being used?

Edited June 3, 2015 by deadelvis

[Vercetti]

It's easy to say. Ever think your projecting the positive of your relationship on to her previous relationships, then painting events that are most painful to yourself? I'm sure if wrote down some of your spiraling racing thoughts and read them the next day, what your mind created would seem almost comical. If her past was as colourful, exciting, and dedicated as your mind created...she would be with someone in the past not you currently. It's a storm of automatic thoughts, they are not real. Your the one that gives them life. The storm hurts while it's spinning, but the less you react the less the storm will hit. Take a nap, do some busy work, anything. You probably have insecurity and really like this person, that's why your getting hit so hard.

 

I wish you the best.

[smackie9]

Sexual hang ups due to religious upbringing.....it's going to take a professional and time to deprogram you. You have to stop believing, to believe.

[Davey1]

DE- My assumptions come from the stories heard. I won't go into details, but it's enough to say that he was a loser who cared only about himself and would use any trick he could to get what he wanted, which left her feeling horrible. Yet, she stayed, telling herself everything going on was fine.

 

As for which would be worse... I'm not sure. Sometimes she enjoyed it a little, but that never lasted long.

 

Vercetti- Thanks. I've tried some of that, and really it doesn't work but for so long, unfortunately.

 

smackie9- I'm afraid that won't happen. I can't afford a professional, and I'm not likely to give up my morals, though I would like the "ick" factor around certain things gone. Sometimes I can almost beat that part, but even then I'm still bothered.

 

One thing I want to repeat is that I know it sounds like I'm being stubborn, but I really can't control my brain. It's at a 40-60% today, so not as bad as the last couple days. The fluctuations are also getting exhausting, too.