Ladies, The Smarter You Are, The More Likely You Are To Be Single

[minimariah]

Surely smart women can figure out relationships, if they really want to.

 

Maybe smarter women are more likely to have focuses other than relationships. I suspect that is true for highly intelligent people of both sexes.

 

most smart & educated ladies i know that are single, are single because they simply can't find that one person that fits them the best. when they do click with someone, the person is usually already attached.

 

like, they have high expectations and it's not easy at all to find someone who will actually live up to that. they won't settle for less. so i don't think it's mantaining the relationship that's the problem - i think stumbling upon the right person at the right time is... but isn't that the problem for anyone anyway? finding that one person you have amazing chemistry with + are compatible with is NOT easy. some don't ever find someone like that.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yes, me too. My first husband had a stable job that granted him a six figure salary. He hated it, no supervision or care how much or hard a person worked, and he has finally come to terms he is a clock puncher suckling at the government teat. Yuck. Why would I want this?

 

Sure he makes a decent living but there is no passion, no joy, just going trough the motions. I struggle to respect that based on how I view work and careers. Life is too short to punch a clock and be miserable. :sick:

 

But to each their own. He has a second wife now that is very happy with it and his guaranteed arrival everyday of 5pm.

 

To each their own.

Ouch, again. I wonder if someone could look at your life and judge it in such a cold, hard light. Or...am I missing something? Is "passion for life" for both you and Mini, an ongoing struggle to be exempt judgment from the people around you? Congratulations.

 

I wonder how the two of you look at the entire Cuban population. People whose food is rationed. People whose labor and salary is ordained by a pontificating, self-aggrandizing fossil, Castro. Are all of these people without passion? Without drive? Is the drive to own a Lexus the same as the drive to nourish your family?

[minimariah]

Ouch, again. I wonder if someone could look at your life and judge it in such a cold, hard light. Or...am I missing something? Is "passion for life" for both you and Mini, an ongoing struggle to be exempt judgment from the people around you? Congratulations.

 

I wonder how the two of you look at the entire Cuban population. People whose food is rationed. People whose labor and salary is ordained by a pontificating, self-aggrandizing fossil, Castro. Are all of these people without passion? Without drive? Is the drive to own a Lexus the same as the drive to nourish your family?

 

i think you're missing the point.

 

passion & drive for life means to constantly be curious about life, to learn about life, to explore and to learn about ourselves. the type of man Got it described was the type of man i used to date -- it's the "job, home, couch" type of man. has no desire to learn anything new, no real need to change in any way. has no interest in anything other than his comfort zone, has 0 hobbies.

 

drive & passion =\= money, expensive things.

 

but in most cases, people who are restless are usually positioned on very well paid jobs.

 

i'm a little shocked when folks say they "know millionaires" or earn 6 figures in a month -- i come from a very humble country, we're not rich and we don't have any Donald Trumps. so i was talking about LOVE for life, the restlesness... not money or a Lexus.

 

being passionate and restless doesn't mean that you can't have a traditional life with a traditional family. it's about the type od character.

 

i dated a dude who was super laid back but was never interested for anything new, other than his video games and maybe music. i'd recommend a million hobbies, he'd refuse. i'd talk about new movies and countries i want to visit, he'd yawn. i'd talk about Hawking's Universe, he'd call it boring. i'd get excited over new comicbook store opening around the corner, he'd just shrug. nothing really excited him to the point of being obsessed.

 

and i don't think i'm superior or better than him -- we are simply two different types of characters who don't mix well.

 

i was talking about someone who is passionately curious about life. someone who is constantly learning and improving and growing. that type of passion. and people like that like knowledge. and knowledge is power. add a little luck and there you have it.

Edited June 4, 2015 by minimariah

[autumnnight]

Women who say men are intimidated by smart women are not much different than nice guys. Most men have no issue whatsoever dating smart women but most don't want constantly antagonistic cold hearted women with a misandrist streak and that is how many of these I'm too smart and independent for any man types come across. At the end of the day we want an equal relationship but not an antagonistic one and too many don't know the difference.

 

I gotta say, I agree with this 100%

[Quiet Storm]

We see on LS all the time- smart, educated, successful women who stay with the wrong guy, or are attracted to guys that treat them bad. So I don't think relationship status has much to do with intelligence.

 

I've been married for 20 years, and it's not because I'm dumb (or smart). It's because my husband and I want to be married to each other and love each other. We both want the same thing. Love, respect, commitment - those things can happen whether you're smart or not.

 

The things that cause problems- family of origin issues, emotional problems, personality disorders, insecurity, poor coping skills, excessive need for validation, mental illness- these things happen whether the person is intelligent or not. There are many kids born smart, and then have a trauma or abuse that affects their relationships, but does not diminish their intelligence.

 

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, and when people realize she has this disorder, they assume she's dumb. She's fooled doctors, cops, judges, a husband, boyfriends, our parents and me. Many intelligent people have issues that prevent them from having healthy relationships.

 

So I think intelligence and the ability to form healthy relationships are unrelated, with the exception of being introspective (sometimes).

[SycamoreCircle]

i think you're missing the point.

 

passion & drive for life means to constantly be curious about life, to learn about life, to explore and to learn about ourselves. the type of man Got it described was the type of man i used to date -- it's the "job, home, couch" type of man. has no desire to learn anything new, no real need to change in any way. has no interest in anything other than his comfort zone, has 0 hobbies.

 

drive & passion =\= money, expensive things.

 

but in most cases, people who are restless are usually positioned on very well paid jobs.

 

i was talking about someone who is passionately curious about life. someone who is constantly learning and improving and growing. that type of passion. and people like that like knowledge. and knowledge is power. add a little luck and there you have it.

Yeah, I guess I am a little confused about what you're talking about. My brother-in-law has worked for the same oil company all of his life. He started as a lowly with an engineering degree and 30 years later is overseeing the construction of state-of-the-art oil rigs offshore. He's worked five days a week, 5am - 5pm his whole life. He's provided royally for his wife and 3 children. He is an absolute dullard. He can't carry a conversation, has little interest in anything outside college football, John Grisham and Sunday services. So, where does he fit into your schematic?

 

Well paid people WORK a lot; limiting their free time ergo hobbies ergo interests ergo what sort of BIONIC man are you describing???

[xxoo]

In general, people don't struggle to find love because of their assets.

[Weezy1973]

In general, people don't struggle to find love because of their assets.

 

I'm too awesome to be loved.

[minimariah]

So, where does he fit into your schematic?

 

i don't have any "schematic" -- i just described the type of guys i DID date & why it didn't work for me and why i tend to avoid folks like that -- who fit into that description & have traits that my x had.

 

Well paid people WORK a lot; limiting their free time ergo hobbies ergo interests ergo what sort of BIONIC man are you describing???

 

woman* -- myself!

 

i have a lot of energy, what can i say.

 

*shrugs*

[hotpotato]

In general, people don't struggle to find love because of their assets.

 

What is considered an asset is debatable. Also, some things that are assets at work for instance are not necessarily assets in dating.

[Emilia]

We see on LS all the time- smart, educated, successful women who stay with the wrong guy, or are attracted to guys that treat them bad. So I don't think relationship status has much to do with intelligence.

 

I've been married for 20 years, and it's not because I'm dumb (or smart). It's because my husband and I want to be married to each other and love each other. We both want the same thing. Love, respect, commitment - those things can happen whether you're smart or not.

 

The things that cause problems- family of origin issues, emotional problems, personality disorders, insecurity, poor coping skills, excessive need for validation, mental illness- these things happen whether the person is intelligent or not. There are many kids born smart, and then have a trauma or abuse that affects their relationships, but does not diminish their intelligence.

 

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, and when people realize she has this disorder, they assume she's dumb. She's fooled doctors, cops, judges, a husband, boyfriends, our parents and me. Many intelligent people have issues that prevent them from having healthy relationships.

 

So I think intelligence and the ability to form healthy relationships are unrelated, with the exception of being introspective (sometimes).

 

I don't usually quote full posts but agree with this fully.

 

I disagree what was stated in another post that people seek out those with similar intelligence. Not true at all. I think smart people generally struggle but I'd agree that men have lower expectations.

[Emilia]

Surely smart women can figure out relationships, if they really want to.

 

Maybe smarter women are more likely to have focuses other than relationships. I suspect that is true for highly intelligent people of both sexes.

 

Relationship success depends pretty much on cognition and as Quiet Storm says, cognition/self talk doesn't depend on intelligence. It narrows the dating pool if you care about assets of your future partner but doesn't help maintaining it.

[Eggplant]

If a guy were choosing between me and another girl, and she were smarter than I, I would assume that would put points in her basket.

[jay1983]

If a guy were choosing between me and another girl, and she were smarter than I, I would assume that would put points in her basket.

 

A lot of emphasis on this. I'll speak in general. What you need is a good vocabulary and some intellect. Fancy degrees, don't mean squat without the kindness and understanding. In other words, I'll take cute, sweet and not stupid over some hot, boojee bitch with an English accent.

[GravityMan]

correction: women who are smart and parade it are more likely to be single.

 

nobody likes a smartarse, male or female.

 

Exactly. Flaunting your intelligence is one of my biggest pet peeves. It's a sign of arrogance and insecurity. Nevermind not wanting to date a woman like that...I'd have a hard time being friends with such a person.

 

There's just no need to parade such a thing. If you are smart, it will shine through naturally on its own, and most others will easily notice.

[Taramere]

On various occasions, I recall seeing something about women who earn more/have higher professional status than a partner being more vulnerable to domestic violence.

 

Educated and well paid women 'more likely to suffer domestic abuse' - Telegraph

 

It doesn't sound implausible to me.

 

Violence or control is used as a compensation for the partner’s weak position in the relationship, and may thus be regarded as an attempt to balance what is perceived as an uneven division of power.

 

My mother and grandmother used to always tell me "a smart woman knows to play dumb." It used to really irritate me, as I saw it as a fairly smug decision to actively encourage low expectations of women's intelligence. However, something like that could easily be a self protective mechanism. On a very basic level, in order to survive as a woman/avoid being subjected to violence, play dumb. "Make him think it was his idea" etc. The tightrope between asserting oneself and minimising aggressive outcomes can be a very thin one.

 

Without going into too much detail, I had a client devote himself to trying to get me struck off for interrupting him to get to the heart of the issues he had come for help with (meetings being time limited). This guy clearly viewed himself as highly intelligent and from the outset his demeanour was of somebody who wanted to "pwn" me intellectually. Ethically you can't really go along with that - using billable time to debate and argue with a client. It's basically a case of "either you trust my competence in this matter or you don't. If you don't trust it, then you should find somebody whose competence you do trust." Anyway, he wasn't having that. As far as he was concerned, he was the paying customer and I was some sort of performing monkey. If he wanted to pay me to spend time arguing with him, then I should go along with that.

 

That guy was, I suspect, a misogynist who couldn't get over his outrage that somebody like me should be working as a lawyer rather than satisfying myself with an admin role while men got on with the lawyering task. I haven't met many men like that. Some, perhaps, with a shade or two of it...but once they're satisfied that you know what you're doing, you can work well with them. I can remember having an instinct of "this is somebody who would beat the crap out of a female partner who argued with him. " Without going into too many details, he made a complaint about me to an independent body - and I'm glad he did, because the complaint handler encountered similar issues to the issues I had encountered though not personalised to the same extent (the complaint handler was male).

 

If a guy is really entrenched in the belief that women are stupid, illogical, inferior to men etc, any threat to that belief is an ego threat. As a woman you have to be cautious around that kind of thing....going back to my mother and grandmother's advice to "play dumb" (smile, don't argue, be compliant...). The upshot of women following that old fashioned advice, though, is that they help perpetuate the myth that women are generally intellectually limited in comparison to men.

 

I think it's possible for a woman to find some middle ground between playing dumb and having an opinion, but if you're faced with a man who has a low opinion of the female gender generally, it's a far from easy task. Being able to debate and discuss in a way that won't be viewed as very antagonistic can be almost an impossibility, in some cases. The "know your place and know your limits, woman" mentality hasn't completely gone away.

Edited June 4, 2015 by Taramere

[thefooloftheyear]

If a guy were choosing between me and another girl, and she were smarter than I, I would assume that would put points in her basket.

 

If you have a better body than her, she can shoot lightning out of her ass and it won't matter...You'd win...

 

TFY

[Taramere]

I was going to edit (again!) but too late. Just wanted to add, the article I cited also states:

 

the study also found that men with higher incomes or better educations were also at risk of domestic abuse, but because they do not perceive it as so serious, it is often underreported.

 

According to Bjelland, previous studies of intimate partner violence have often excluded men from the data material.

 

“The fact that men with a higher socio-economic status than their partner have an increased risk of experiencing abuse in their relationships was very surprising, since it conflicts with international studies within the same field,” she added.

 

So smart, educated people of either gender will potentially find themselves disadvantaged by those things when it comes to intimate relationships...if their partner has a lower status. The old "is he having an affair with his secretary?" doubts might sour a relationship to a point where an abusive element creeps in.

 

A lot of people who don't have further education think it's really okay to demonstrate a disrespectful attitude about those who chose to go down that route. You can understand it if a person is being really obnoxious about their educational background. That's downright irritating (and demonstrates the sort of low emotional intelligence which will likely impact on their performance and relationships at work).

 

However, when it's just a case of making all sorts of unfair and unfounded assumptions about a person because of the job they do, or their earning capacity, or their educational background, that kind of inverted snobbery can become poisonous.

[OldRover]

I like an educated girl, just more to talk about. I can only thing of one girl that I've more than that a few dates with that wasn't college educated, or at least a few years of college. The vast majority of my friends are college grads.

 

The high school graduates just talk about high school stuff..... just too boring.

 

As for success with men, I don't see the difference, but could be..... who cares.

[SammySammy]

My mother and grandmother used to always tell me "a smart woman knows to play dumb."

 

That's so sad. You shouldn't have to do that. I've seen it so much though.

 

One of my exes has a Bachelors and a Masters in Computer Science. She manages the IT department for a major corporation.

 

When she was with me, she never acted dumb or stupid. I wouldn't have allowed it if she tried to do that with me. She's brilliant and we used to have some great conversations about everything under the sun.

 

When our relationship ended, I would see her interact with men on social media. She played this ditzy, dumb blond role. She told me she did that often to make men feel comfortable before me and it was disgusting to watch after our breakup.

 

About six months ago, she married this guy who looks like he grunts instead of speaks. I can only imagine how it must be to manage a whole department of smart people at work and go home to play stupid for a cave man.

 

It's just very sad that she feels the need to pretend to be stupid to have a man. There is very little I'd rather do than spend time with an intelligent woman. I don't get the whole "play dumb so you won't scare mediocre men" thing. Just don't get it.

[Eggplant]

If you have a better body than her, she can shoot lightning out of her ass and it won't matter...You'd win...

 

TFY

 

That sucks. :-)

[thefooloftheyear]

That sucks. :-)

 

My comment is a bit of "tongue in cheek" ...

 

Its just a manifestation of what has been said by many in this thread..Guys are just not that overwhelmed by women who are overly intelligent..Most like/prefer highly intelligent women, but its not a be all and end all...at least for many guys, anyway...

 

TFY

[Taramere]

That's so sad. You shouldn't have to do that. I've seen it so much though.

 

One of my exes has a Bachelors and a Masters in Computer Science. She manages the IT department for a major corporation.

 

When she was with me, she never acted dumb or stupid. I wouldn't have allowed it if she tried to do that with me. She's brilliant and we used to have some great conversations about everything under the sun.

 

When our relationship ended, I would see her interact with men on social media. She played this ditzy, dumb blond role. She told me she did that often to make men feel comfortable before me and it was disgusting to watch after our breakup.

 

About six months ago, she married this guy who looks like he grunts instead of speaks. I can only imagine how it must be to manage a whole department of smart people at work and go home to play stupid for a cave man.

 

It's just very sad that she feels the need to pretend to be stupid to have a man. There is very little I'd rather do than spend time with an intelligent woman. I don't get the whole "play dumb so you won't scare mediocre men" thing. Just don't get it.

 

That's very sad, about your ex.

 

Human beings are complex creatures. There are plenty of people out there who regard me as fairly dumb and ditzy...and it's not because I'm putting on an act, but because there are those elements to me that I have to work hard to overcome/disguise in situations where it' really not appropriate to show that side of yourself. Not dissimilar to the whole thing of "there's nothing wrong with crying. It's human - but you don't do it in the middle of a professional meeting!"

 

You can have a reasonable IQ, and still be strongly emotional. You can still be, for want of a more flattering phrase, a tad neurotic. So for instance, I might scream at the sight of a spider or a mouse. I'm not doing it to play into some feminine stereotype. It sets off a panicky reaction in me which results in me both feeling and looking ridiculous. In certain situations/in certain company, I've got to go all out to control those reactions because I know people will think "what a pathetic plonker of a woman." In other situations, it's okay to let the more emotional/neurotic side of myself out because I'm around people who either relate to it or quite like it.

 

The ditzy blonde role your ex plays on Facebook...she's telling you she does it to make men feel comfortable. It's also possible that there are those elements to her that she didn't want you to see. It's possible for a person to be both intelligent and a bit ditzy. I think there are a lot of men out there who very much do like strong, capable and intelligent women. Where they might feel disappointed is when those women suddenly show their more vulnerable and emotional - or ditzy and silly - side.

 

Your ex might manage the new scenario with this guy. Maybe the pressures she faces to be a strong capable woman at work will be balanced by being able to go home and just be a bit dumb and silly. However, I can understand your concerns about her. The problems will set in when she and this guy have a conflict that needs to be addressed in a mature and intelligent way. That's where, if she doesn't play it very carefully, she could find herself running into problems with him.

[candie13]

If you have a better body than her, she can shoot lightning out of her ass and it won't matter...You'd win...

 

TFY

 

unless she has unrealistic expectations, such as marriage and stuff.. all of a sudden, the plainer less hot chick becomes suddenly good enough

[Woggle]

Oh really...The last ex flat out called me intimudating throughout our relationship, and im sure plenty of women have had plenty of experiences. Oh and we never argued. There was no outright antagonism. He even said I was the nicest and most understanding girl he had ever dated.

 

With another guy, it took him 6 years to appreciate me being smart. He had to date other women. He said after awhile they would become boring.

 

Maybe woggle doesnt mind, but other guys do mind. Most men want to be the man in tge relationship. Most men do not want to feel dumb or useless or like their presence doewnt make a big difference.

 

I will tell you what people told me when I used to generalize about women. Your past relationships do not reflect every relationship in the world. Like I said before it is statistical fact that women with higher education marry more often and divorce less. If men are so much against being with smart women why does being educated seem to increase a woman's chances of having a lasting relationship?