Guilt of the MM vs. Fear of Getting Caught

[Adoraxx]

I'm curious to hear if your MM also told you that he feels guilty?

 

My MM would always end up telling me after sex "I feel so guilty blah blah blah".

 

Before sex, he felt fine.

 

 

He was basically only nice and (fake) loving towards me when he tried to persuade me to have sex with him. I would often remind him that he feels guilty after sex, but he always denied it BEFORE sex, but afterwards, of course it was the same old, same old: "I can't see you anymore, I feel guilty blah blah blah. My poor, poor W. And yes, I know you're hurting now but I can't comfort you."

 

 

Once or twice he said that it's not so much that he's feeling guilty (this is what he said before sex, not afterwards) but that he is afraid of getting caught and he doesn't think that he can deal with losing everything (he had two A's before me and got caught) . I think that this might be true... and not the "I feel guilty" part ? But I'm not sure about it.

 

 

It's just something I keep thinking about.

 

 

Or perhaps "I feel guilty" is just an easy way out for MM, because once he got what he wanted, he got bored and wanted to get rid of me....?!

 

 

I met this man 7 years ago, and have been trying to say no to him and his treatment of me after just a few months into the A . But he could be very persuasive. One time I said no (no sex) to him for three years, but not so long ago I gave in again (I feel very stupid about that) and nothing had changed, he was feeling guilty (?) again.

 

 

I do understand that someone can feel guilty - of course I do too - I just think it's strange that there was no guilt whatsoever BEFORE the sex. He even had the nerve to get mad at me if I reminded him of his guilty feelings.

 

 

Did your MM dump you too because he felt 'guilty'?

 

Do you think it was real guilt? Or the fear of losing his nice life/ house/ possessions/ kids etc?

[m4p]

Funny enough, xMM never said that he felt guilty but I always knew he did. Perhaps he made it up by being extra nice to the W or what but I will never know that.

 

It was an unspoken thing between us, his guilt. Kinda like the elephant in the room. He tries to compartmentalize and never shows it in front of me, usually masking it with cheeriness and affections.

 

Strangely he is the opposite after sex. I tend to withdraw a bit unconsciously, but he becomes a little more clingy and needy in terms of affections and intimacy. I have no idea how to decipher that.

 

Only 2 occasions in the two years of A did we venture near the topic and he said that yes he feels very very guilty but is selfish and does not want to stop. Well, look where that led us.

[Daisy2013]

Oh yes, most definitely struggled with guilt before God. Never mentioned his wife, it was his image before God. With her, he just didn't want to get caught. He said "they" wouldn't understand why he was with me since he was a deacon in our church, etc. After times of heavy intimacy I could see how torn he was mixed in with the joy we shared. He would often share with me his struggles. Sometimes he would pull way back until it passed and just asked that I be patient with him when he went through his "moods" and would remind me he loved me. And another was commitment. He'd often wonder how he could make his grown kids see what marriage was supposed to be if he left. His kids weren't even hers, but after his divorce from their mother, he needed them to see he could commit. Oh yeah, he struggled.

[WasOtherWoman]

Just my opinion, but I think MM rarely dump their affair partner because of guilt. I think (and I could be wrong) that most affairs end because they become exposed, or at least a very near miss. This sort of jerks them back into reality, which may include love for their spouse, fear for their children's well-being or general fear of financial ruin.