Where things stand after 8 months of dating?

[gabaee]

this guy and I have been dating for over 8 months now and we deeply care for each and have great chemistry. Because of the distance between us geographically, he takes every chance he can get to see me and vise versa.

 

This summer he wants to also spend a signficant part of the summer with me in my home country and since I am staying with my parents, I said he can also stay and he is cool with it.

 

Now to get to the real issues of mine, here are the things that bother me and maybe they shouldnt:

 

1. He says he normally keeps a low profile when it comes to "parents".

2. He says that we are dating, care for each other and are together and he has mentioned the world LOVE a few times as slippint into his conversations, but he has never said it to my face.

3. He never has initiated any taik about short or long term future.

 

So while things are going very well, I cannot help but feel anxiety all the time. Yesterday I told him that while I am easy going, what I DO NOT want, is to be someone's companion on a temporary basis. He replied with the genral answer that we are two people at the dating stage who care deeply for one another.

 

I dont know what do at thıs point: I can either go with the flow the way I have been so far and keep my anxiety bottled up or bring up the issue again, but I am normally not the kind of girl who keeps talking about things.

 

Any suggestions or perspective???

[Redhead14]

this guy and I have been dating for over 8 months now and we deeply care for each and have great chemistry. Because of the distance between us geographically, he takes every chance he can get to see me and vise versa.

 

This summer he wants to also spend a signficant part of the summer with me in my home country and since I am staying with my parents, I said he can also stay and he is cool with it.

 

Now to get to the real issues of mine, here are the things that bother me and maybe they shouldnt:

 

1. He says he normally keeps a low profile when it comes to "parents".

2. He says that we are dating, care for each other and are together and he has mentioned the world LOVE a few times as slippint into his conversations, but he has never said it to my face.

3. He never has initiated any taik about short or long term future.

 

So while things are going very well, I cannot help but feel anxiety all the time. Yesterday I told him that while I am easy going, what I DO NOT want, is to be someone's companion on a temporary basis. He replied with the genral answer that we are two people at the dating stage who care deeply for one another.

 

I dont know what do at thıs point: I can either go with the flow the way I have been so far and keep my anxiety bottled up or bring up the issue again, but I am normally not the kind of girl who keeps talking about things.

 

Any suggestions or perspective???

 

Early on in dating him, did you two ever have a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys? Not specifically with each other, because you might not know then, but in general, what was the goal for yourselves? If you did, how did he respond then? Have you at least declared exclusivity or that you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend?

 

If you didn't, eight months in without that knowledge, leaves you in kind of a bad spot. Based on what you've said above, he is happy with the way things are and probably will continue on this way until he gets tired of it. Eight months really isn't a long time in the whole scheme of things. And, if after 8 months though, you're not feeling secure, it's likely he isn't showing you enough to feel loved. If he does, when you're feeling anxious, you should try to think about all the things he does that make you feel loved. Not that he says it, how you feel when you're with him. If there aren't many of those things, you certainly would feel anxious. Otherwise, reflect on those things, it should help quell the anxiety. Sometimes when we're anxious, we start dwelling on the negatives even if there are only a couple of them and blow them out of proportion. There are always at least one or two things that are negative, but if on the whole things are pretty good, reflect on that.

 

A man who says he keeps his parents/family low profile is sometimes hiding the fact that he has a "girlfriend". Have you met any of his friend or other relatives. A man who doesn't want commitment, won't introduce a woman around because he doesn't want that label out there -- so other women don't know or find out he's seeing anyone.

 

It's still a little unclear what he's saying. Since you just recently made the statement above, I'd leave it alone for a little while and observe his actions. Bringing it up too soon again will put pressure on him and likely cause him to pull away for a bit. Now that he's aware of the fact that you want more from him, if he wants that with you too, he will begin to step up to the plate more. If that doesn't happen in say a month or so (you set your limit), then I'd end the relationship. You've already put in 8 months, so you can give a little more time, but no too much. Sometimes the guy gets comfortable and isn't thinking about it so deeply but when the woman sheds light, he starts to realize or think he may lose her.

 

And, since you did mention it, you might see him pull back a bit anyway now. If he does, let him. Don't run at him. Don't reach out to him. Let him close up the space himself if he decides he wants to. He may not do this, but it is a common response when a woman indicates she wants more from him.

 

Be patient and live your own life. Be busy, be happy and don't dwell on this. You've made your statement, see how he handles it.

For now, I'd be busy with other things in my life and not as available to him. If you see him every day, go to every other day or something. This is not about playing games, this is about preparing yourself emotionally for possibly ending the relationship. You don't have to say that to him, just be busy, that's all. If he's not stepping it up and you decide to end it, you simply say that the relationship isn't going in the direction you want it to go and that you've enjoyed what you two had and wish him luck.

Edited June 2, 2015 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

Gabee, I edited the post in between your "liking it".

[gabaee]

Thanks RedHead14 for your insight!

 

Well he never hides me from his friends and always offers to get together with many of his friends. He says the reasons he is low profie with his own parens is because they are the type who always pressure him.

 

And yes there are many good and great things no the grand scheme of things actually.

 

but you are really right. I should have talked about some things from the get go!

[Redhead14]

Thanks RedHead14 for your insight!

 

Well he never hides me from his friends and always offers to get together with many of his friends. He says the reasons he is low profie with his own parens is because they are the type who always pressure him.

 

And yes there are many good and great things no the grand scheme of things actually.

 

but you are really right. I should have talked about some things from the get go!

 

He says the reasons he is low profie with his own parens is because they are the type who always pressure him. -- I'm glad you said this, because it is the only legitimate response. That is a good thing really. Pressure is a relationship killer in the early stages of development. And, my comment above about not putting anymore pressure now that you've made the companionship comment, stands strong.

 

I'd say ride this out a little while longer. Continue to observe and focus on the good things. When/if the scales tip and there are more negatives than positives, you'll know it's time to move on.

[gabaee]

thanks so much!!! Really appreciate your neutral perspective!

[Redhead14]

thanks so much!!! Really appreciate your neutral perspective!

 

A woman should always be in neutral until she is sure it's time to put it into gear

[gabaee]

The only thing that I am trying to sort out is this:

 

Because we are in a long distance dating relationship, and he wants badly to join me for the summer at my parents house, ı am now not sure if it is a good idea to go ahead with this much-awaited trip or not. If I tell him not to come, that is a way of pushing him away. And since we dont get to see each other everyday, we usually take advantage of any holidays to see each other. But at the same time, as you pointed out, I dont want him to get TOO comfortable in a way.

[Redhead14]

The only thing that I am trying to sort out is this:

 

Because we are in a long distance dating relationship, and he wants badly to join me for the summer at my parents house, ı am now not sure if it is a good idea to go ahead with this much-awaited trip or not. If I tell you not to come, that is a way of pushing him away. And since we dont get to see each other everyday, we usually take advantage of any holidays to see each other. But at the same time, as you pointed out, I dont want him to get TOO comfortable in a way.

 

Well, here's the thing. He's willing to meet your family. There could be two reasons for this: a) he wants to see how you and your family interact and/or b) he's maybe considering having you meet his family. You making this effort first, might be a good thing. After they've met, you kinda have some leverage for you meeting his family.

 

I understand your concern about making him too comfortable, but it may not go that way anyway He may not like them or vice versa. If there is conflict there, it's better to know now than later or if they get along well, it will actually bond you two.

 

Of course, it's your decision. But since you are long distance, your opportunities for real bonding are limited and possibly the reason things aren't moving the way you hoped.

[Gaeta]

How old are you 2?

 

Eight months is a lot of time to invest into someone to then being told 'I don't do parents'.

 

we're just 2 people dating would rub me the wrong way after 8 months. To him you might just be 2 people dating how about he ask YOU what you think you are and how much you are invested at this point? He doesn't ask because he doesn't care as long as he gets what he wants out of this, meaning nut much.

 

This man is not invested enough in you and a relationship with you so you invite him over to your parents for an entire summer and be put a roof over his head and fed for free for the summer. He just does not deserve it.

[Apaige]

this guy and I have been dating for over 8 months now and we deeply care for each and have great chemistry. Because of the distance between us geographically, he takes every chance he can get to see me and vise versa.

 

This summer he wants to also spend a signficant part of the summer with me in my home country and since I am staying with my parents, I said he can also stay and he is cool with it.

 

Now to get to the real issues of mine, here are the things that bother me and maybe they shouldnt:

 

1. He says he normally keeps a low profile when it comes to "parents".

2. He says that we are dating, care for each other and are together and he has mentioned the world LOVE a few times as slippint into his conversations, but he has never said it to my face.

3. He never has initiated any taik about short or long term future.

 

So while things are going very well, I cannot help but feel anxiety all the time. Yesterday I told him that while I am easy going, what I DO NOT want, is to be someone's companion on a temporary basis. He replied with the genral answer that we are two people at the dating stage who care deeply for one another.

 

I dont know what do at thıs point: I can either go with the flow the way I have been so far and keep my anxiety bottled up or bring up the issue again, but I am normally not the kind of girl who keeps talking about things.

 

Any suggestions or perspective???

 

I've been going with "the flow" for about 18 months now...do yourself a favor if you are looking for a label of some sort, have a talk with him. I am okay with whatever it is that I have going on b/c I really don't know what I want either. If you are okay with that, then go with "the flow", if you need to know, have the talk. Good luck.

[losangelena]

OP, I've had what Redhead described happen almost exactly with my BF. He and I are at nine months, but it was at around six that we had a big argument about priorities, chiefly that I felt like I was at the bottom of his list. He balked at first, and we both pulled back a bit, but in the weeks after, he began to acquiesce and make more space for me in his life. I think he realized that he could lose me if he didn't step up, and decided to step up.

 

All the being said, wait this out a little. Watch his actions in the upcoming weeks and months. I agree with Redhead that sometime men get comfortable and don't realize they have to change. My BF is just plain lazy (self-admittedly), and if he feels he doesn't need to put effort in, he won't. It's up to me to put a bit of pressure on him, which I've gotten more comfortable doing, but it's still hard.

 

I also agree that you should look to the other ways he loves you without saying it. My BF and I have not said "I love yous" yet, but I know he does care about me because he expresses it in ways that he can.

 

At the end of the day, if what he's doing is not ok with you, it's totally within your rights to walk away. Keep that in mind; I know it can be easy to forget sometimes.

[losangelena]

Also (I forgot about this the first time), my BF's family does not know about me, either.

 

His parents are very traditional Indian parents, and he's not sure how badly they'd react if he told them he was dating a white American woman. On this front I'm letting him take his time. His older brother, who ended up marrying an Indian woman, didn't tell their parents until he and his now-wife were dating for two years and practically engaged.

 

I've accepted that BF and I would need to get to that point before he'd tell them. Why open that can of worms if it's not necessary? I understand and I don't mind.

 

He has introduced me to everyone in his life here, even old college friends who've known him a long time. He's also met my mom.

 

Just my $.02 on the topic. Just because he's not rushing to introduce you doesn't mean anything's wrong.