Never speaking to them again?

[Ariess10]

I know that, too. I kissed a girl in my drunken stupor, and felt like ****. Miserable. Dirty. Had no trouble with ONS and the sorts, but that was before meeting my ex. In fact, I felt the same way when I made out with a different girl and we weren't even officially "together" (we had just met each other for the first time one week ago). So, believe me, when my female friends texted me if I was feeling well once I left their house with the other dudette with whom I made out, I felt that no, I wasn't. And I don't know when, but I'm positive that this feeling will go away. As will yours, but only if you MAN UP and demand you a minimum. Are you sure women want a needy, clingy, weeping man to hold them down? Once again, been there done that - I recognize I'm feeling better but that's all chemicals, in fact I miss her a lot and I have no empyrical proof that I'll do any better. Listen, my B plans are going wrong. One is engaged, the other is a lesbian, the other has probably friendzoned me with no reason. And here I am, struggling with my inner demons and trying to make each day count in order to eclipse the former.

 

I know you CAN. But someone who WANTS will do better than someone who is just ABLE to do it - c'mon dude, don't disappoint us. Take our mutual ramblings on how much we miss our exes as a contractual rule that lets us weep with the only requirement that we'll eventually feel better. You'll do.

 

And yep, Jen looks smokin' gorgeous in that pic.

i 2nd that she does

[Jonp219]

Jon, if she was the best you can do, and was "perfect" how do you explain this list you made in your other thread? These are all things that you listed that didn't work for you. She may actually be perfect, but isn't perfect for you if these things didn't work for you. I think you also mentioned that you never had real conversations. Is that what you expect a relationship to be?

 

Some people who have "moved on" don't come back here because they got all of the help that they needed. I remember a few users I talked to during my first breakup with my ex. Those people are nowhere to be found now. We all discussed our pain, and were all feeling the same things. Now they're probably out there again, enjoying life. So the idea that no one moves on from this website is kind of silly.

 

That was me bull****ting myself. Lying to myself like majority of people have been telling me to do. That doesn't work, if you're a horrible person then you're a horrible person.

[jen1447]

i 2nd that she does

 

Thx guys but this is kind of a 'serious business' thread for Jon ....let's keep it on him.

[Jonp219]

I think Jon's right in some regards - moving on (IMO) isn't sth you decide to do consciously. You can strive to have a positive mindset, but that doesn't 'move you on.' Only time does that, and it's an involuntary process, just like your body healing a broken bone. With unfamiliarity comes disinterest. It's just inevitable.

Jon, I believe that you may never have another relationship, if you wall yourself in, which by some people's estimations isn't a bad defense strategy. But what will happen whether you want it to or not is that eventually day-to-day life will become livable again, at least as concerns your ex. She'll become more of a faded picture than this living, breathing, pulsing thing inside your soul. It's just human nature.

 

If only I could believe you Jen.

 

Its been 4 months since my break up and I'm a bigger mess then I've ever been. I think she'll always be apart of me like a close relative that passed away. Everyday I will miss what she did for me and how I screwed it all up.

[Itspointless]

Thx guys but this is kind of a 'serious business' thread for Jon ....let's keep it on him.

I like the scene reference in your name though

 

Jon 4 months is not that long, give yourself time.

[Jonp219]

I like the scene reference in your name though

 

Jon 4 months is not that long, give yourself time.

 

To still feel like this after 4 months is pathetic to say the least.

[jen1447]

Jon 4 months is not that long, give yourself time.

 

Yep. It sucks to say it but 4 months is early for hardcore heartbreak and major social rejection. This could go on for years in some shape or form, but you will find it slowly getting easier in general. Bscly every new day is the best one yet, despite how it may feel day to day, bc the scar tissue's getting stronger.

[BC1980]

To still feel like this after 4 months is pathetic to say the least.

 

It took me a year to even feel that I could move on. 1.5 years to complete indifference. Calling yourself pathetic doesn't really help.

[Itspointless]

To still feel like this after 4 months is pathetic to say the least.

It took me more than a year to feel a bit sane again, still am working on that. With the passing of time it went more to the background, it starts to feel different, not as soul-crushing. Do not let others confuse you because they are faster than you or are in denial (suppressing).

[na49]

That was me bull****ting myself. Lying to myself like majority of people have been telling me to do. That doesn't work, if you're a horrible person then you're a horrible person.

 

I think that you are lying to yourself now. You didn't make that list up. Those things happened in the relationship, and bothered you. You are ignoring them now because they prove that your ex isn't perfect.

 

Also, unless you were beating your ex up, abusing her, cheating on her, etc. I don't think being needy/pushing her away makes you a horrible person.

[embeu]

I can relate to your situation Jon. I am 6 months post bu, and its been the hardest and most depressing 6 months of my life.

During the last 6 months i have had periods (2-3 days at the most) feeling good, but when i get down i tell myself that i was feeling good because i was lying to myself about her negatives.

 

I have been reading alot of posts here on LS, and a few weeks ago I started wondering if there was anything wrong with me. I dont have a history of depression or anything like that but I felt it was wrong to love someone that obviously did not love me or want anything to do with me anymore.

 

Ask yourself this: Is your REAL problem the love you feel for your ex, or is it possible that you have some deeper issues? Lately I have been reading about abbandonment issues and I think that maybe you should to.

At least this has helped me. It is good to know that maybe your issues isnt about your ex but about yourself. It gives you control over your own future and emotional well being.

 

Sorry if my english is bad. Its not my native tounge.

[Jonp219]

I can relate to your situation Jon. I am 6 months post bu, and its been the hardest and most depressing 6 months of my life.

During the last 6 months i have had periods (2-3 days at the most) feeling good, but when i get down i tell myself that i was feeling good because i was lying to myself about her negatives.

 

I have been reading alot of posts here on LS, and a few weeks ago I started wondering if there was anything wrong with me. I dont have a history of depression or anything like that but I felt it was wrong to love someone that obviously did not love me or want anything to do with me anymore.

 

Ask yourself this: Is your REAL problem the love you feel for your ex, or is it possible that you have some deeper issues? Lately I have been reading about abbandonment issues and I think that maybe you should to.

At least this has helped me. It is good to know that maybe your issues isnt about your ex but about yourself. It gives you control over your own future and emotional well being.

 

Sorry if my english is bad. Its not my native tounge.

 

I just can't not love someone because they don't love me anymore. It makes sense not to of course, but I just can't. Sometimes we have to understand that some people had good reasons to leave. I would of left me too if I was her, so I can't blame her. Sure I can say, "Pshh! I'm a catch, it's her lost for leaving me". Thing is that's not true, it's really her gain and my lost. The biggest lost I've taken in my life.

 

And yes, I've had abandonment issues since I was little. My father emotionally rejected me and accepted my brother, I was bullied in school and nobody liked me, and my only best friend at the time stole something near and dear to me and moved away without saying a word. Where ever I land in life it seems i'm as disposable as they come.

 

And please, no more about 'professional help'. I've been receiving 'professional help' since I was in high school. I don't need anymore 'professionals' telling me bull**** like happiness comes from within. If I wanted to hear that I could of bought a fortune cookie and saved a lot of money avoiding their services.

Edited June 3, 2015 by Jonp219

[JollyDays]

Crying in my pillow? LOL LMAO.

 

 

You know why I don't cry in my pillow like you?

 

 

BECAUSE THERE'S BILLIONS MORE WOMEN ON THIS PLANET. ?

 

 

Yes, if I was experiencing psychological issues, I would be bitching and moaning, but trust me, I sleep well at night. Idk...it's kind of sad to live like in a perpetually depressed mode. Yeah, some people struggle, but most realize they have to turn the page. Otherwise, the human race would go extinct. But if you wallow in your SELF-INDUCED misery, knock yourself out.

[embeu]

I just can't not love someone because they don't love me anymore. It makes sense not to of course, but I just can't. Sometimes we have to understand that some people had good reasons to leave. I would of left me too if I was her, so I can't blame her. Sure I can say, "Pshh! I'm a catch, it's her lost for leaving me". Thing is that's not true, it's really her gain and my lost. The biggest lost I've taken in my life.

 

And yes, I've had abandonment issues since I was little. My father emotionally rejected me and accepted my brother, I was bullied in school and nobody liked me, and my only best friend at the time stole something near and dear to me and moved away without saying a word. Where ever I land in life it seems i'm as disposable as they come.

 

And please, no more about 'professional help'. I've been receiving 'professional help' since I was in high school. I don't need anymore 'professionals' telling me bull**** like happiness comes from within. If I wanted to hear that I could of bought a fortune cookie and saved a lot of money avoiding their services.

 

Of course you cant stop love someone just because they dont love you back or want to be with you anymore. But you can work on yourself and try not to waste energy on loving someone that does not love you back.

 

I dont know the reasons for her leaving you, but I think its perfectly natural to think the way you do. You are taking all the blame for the break up and keeping your ex on a pedestal. I know its hard, and I know it rips your heart out to think that way (I do it also), but it will do you no good my friend. Life is hard and often unfair, all a man can do is make the best out of his situation. Right now you might feel that your situation is hopeless, and I dont blame you, but you have to work on yourself to look forward.

Maybe its ok to go day by day thinking about your ex, and maybe for you it is the right thing to do so (for a time). But you have to take small steps and work on looking to your future.

 

I never said anything about proffesional help. I have been where you are. But try to look at things from a different perspective, maybe your biggest problem isnt your ex but your abbandonment issues? Maybe a bit of both, I dont know.

 

I know this is hard. It took me a long time to even consider wanting to move on, and even now, from time to time, I dont want to move on. Its almost as if I like my pain and I like missing her. But move on we must!!

[JollyDays]

Hey everyone, trust me, a year from now, he'll have a great woman by his side and will look back on this and ask himself "What was I thinking?".

[Jonp219]

Hey everyone, trust me, a year from now, he'll have a great woman by his side and will look back on this and ask himself "What was I thinking?".

 

A billion? Wow.

 

We're not going to meet a million let alone a billion of these women. And that's not considering the ones we find unattractive, and the ones already screwed up for life by their previous boyfriends lol

[Jonp219]

Hey everyone, trust me, a year from now, he'll have a great woman by his side and will look back on this and ask himself "What was I thinking?".

 

LMFAO right

[Jonp219]

Of course you cant stop love someone just because they dont love you back or want to be with you anymore. But you can work on yourself and try not to waste energy on loving someone that does not love you back.

 

I dont know the reasons for her leaving you, but I think its perfectly natural to think the way you do. You are taking all the blame for the break up and keeping your ex on a pedestal. I know its hard, and I know it rips your heart out to think that way (I do it also), but it will do you no good my friend. Life is hard and often unfair, all a man can do is make the best out of his situation. Right now you might feel that your situation is hopeless, and I dont blame you, but you have to work on yourself to look forward.

Maybe its ok to go day by day thinking about your ex, and maybe for you it is the right thing to do so (for a time). But you have to take small steps and work on looking to your future.

 

I never said anything about proffesional help. I have been where you are. But try to look at things from a different perspective, maybe your biggest problem isnt your ex but your abbandonment issues? Maybe a bit of both, I dont know.

 

I know this is hard. It took me a long time to even consider wanting to move on, and even now, from time to time, I dont want to move on. Its almost as if I like my pain and I like missing her. But move on we must!!

 

The abandonment issues never go away, they've hindered me my entire life. No amount of 'professional help' or self-improvement does anything for those issues, trust me. In addition, the longer you have it the harder it is to treat it. It's like I said, I've had it since I was a kid so it's practically embedded in my personality for good. But of course, that would be consider a 'cop out' by most optimist for not trying hard enough. When instead we should really accept the fact that you CAN'T do everything you set your mind to (that includes moving on).

 

Btw i'm already working on myself--well professionally that is--Emotionally I already know what road i'm heading towards, but that's a different story.

[Cora]

I understand what you mean. It hurts knowing that you'll probably never hear from them again. In my case I wish that I would hear from him again....not because I miss him and want him back, but because not having closure truly sucks. I never in a million years thought he would be the type to just disappear from my life without warning. I almost wish he would just text me and say he hates me and never wants to see me again or that he's madly in love with someone else. At least hurtful words are better than nothing at all. All the questions I have constantly swimming around in my mind is too much to deal with at times. I guess it was just too much to ask for a proper goodbye. I didn't even mean enough to him for that..

[Itspointless]

The abandonment issues never go away, they've hindered me my entire life. No amount of 'professional help' or self-improvement does anything for those issues, trust me. In addition, the longer you have it the harder it is to treat it. It's like I said, I've had it since I was a kid so it's practically embedded in my personality for good. But of course, that would be consider a 'cop out' by most optimist for not trying hard enough. When instead we should really accept the fact that you CAN'T do everything you set your mind to (that includes moving on).

 

Btw i'm already working on myself--well professionally that is--Emotionally I already know what road i'm heading towards, but that's a different story.

Jon, what some of the posters said to you made me smile as I cannot process things like that myself either. Just like you I am very familiar with depression and abandonment. But I am sorry to say it, you are wrong. Yes you and I have some very stubborn patterns ingrained in our brains that come out with stress and always will in some way. But it definitely is possible to work on those patterns and get to a better place. You are young and it sounds like you only encountered therapies or therapists that were not the best for you. It took me more than 3 decades to finally feel a bit on the sunnier side of things. You my friend are too fatalistic, watch out to not lock yourself up in your own truths, your life has just begun. Try to walk the hard path.

[Jonp219]

Jon, what some of the posters said to you made me smile as I cannot process things like that myself either. Just like you I am very familiar with depression and abandonment. But I am sorry to say it, you are wrong. Yes you and I have some very stubborn patterns ingrained in our brains that come out with stress and always will in some way. But it definitely is possible to work on those patterns and get to a better place. You are young and it sounds like you only encountered therapies or therapists that were not the best for you. It took me more than 3 decades to finally feel a bit on the sunnier side of things. You my friend are too fatalistic, watch out to not lock yourself up in your own truths, your life has just begun. Try to walk the hard path.

 

I guess I'm screwes then bro.

 

The worst part of all this **** is the 2nd girlfriend is a lot harder to land than the first. The first you don't need much confidence because they sort of understand, and I was her first so it took ALOT of pressure off of me too. Now I have to be the most confident & charismatic individual of all time because when or IF I meet someone new, I'm basically competing with all her past exes. I'm never going to get to level like that again, I'm completely shot.

[SammySammy]

I guess I'm screwes then bro.

 

The worst part of all this **** is the 2nd girlfriend is a lot harder to land than the first. The first you don't need much confidence because they sort of understand, and I was her first so it took ALOT of pressure off of me too. Now I have to be the most confident & charismatic individual of all time because when or IF I meet someone new, I'm basically competing with all her past exes. I'm never going to get to level like that again, I'm completely shot.

 

You're right. Woe is you. Your life is going to be totally miserable.

 

Until you stop thinking and believing that nonsense.

[Itspointless]

I guess I'm screwes then bro.

 

The worst part of all this **** is the 2nd girlfriend is a lot harder to land than the first. The first you don't need much confidence because they sort of understand, and I was her first so it took ALOT of pressure off of me too. Now I have to be the most confident & charismatic individual of all time because when or IF I meet someone new, I'm basically competing with all her past exes. I'm never going to get to level like that again, I'm completely shot.

I really do not see why you would be screwed. Love isn't about competing, you just have to dare to be you. If a girl does make you feel that pressured she is not right for you. Life is worth it, but we have to want to invest in ourselves and yes that often sucks as rewards are not handed often (well at least in my life). Worst mistake is comparing yourself with other. Am I screwed? No, but I too often have to look in a brutally honest way to myself. Life is like that and apparently still some things are not meant yet in my life.

[Jonp219]

I really do not see why you would be screwed. Love isn't about competing, you just have to dare to be you. If a girl does make you feel that pressured she is not right for you. Life is worth it, but we have to want to invest in ourselves and yes that often sucks as rewards are not handed often (well at least in my life). Worst mistake is comparing yourself with other. Am I screwed? No, but I too often have to look in a brutally honest way to myself. Life is like that and apparently still some things are not meant yet in my life.

 

Honestly, life is just something we drag out till cancer or old age hits us. There's nothing to truly savor just illusion's of frequent bliss that leads to new beginnings every time. There's no point in it whatsoever.

 

And honestly being yourself is the worst thing to do while dating. It only leads to the friend zone and, "Well, it was nice meeting you".

[Itspointless]

Honestly, life is just something we drag out till cancer or old age hits us. There's nothing to truly savor just illusion's of frequent bliss that leads to new beginnings every time. There's no point in it whatsoever.

 

And honestly being yourself is the worst thing to do while dating. It only leads to the friend zone and, "Well, it was nice meeting you".

It is not that I do not understand what you write, unfortunately you are drawing the wrong conclusions, but I get it as you are an investigating and somewhat romantic mind. Jon, there is one constant that I have discovered to describe life and that is 'change'. Nothing is static. We have to work with what is given us at every moment. Just because some things end, it does not mean that things weren't beautiful.

 

As I get older (I am not that old) I get better at seeing the beauty in little things: a smile, a great taste (food or a good wine), sunshine, a beautiful sunset, an evening with friends, pets that want to cuddle. It are those things that make life worth. You can find the worth in the moment and in your memories: even if things have ended, you still have the memories.

 

As for the girls, girls mature to women and we can't be lovers to everyone.