What do I do in this situation…?

[salmagundi]

So I need some help to see clearly…

 

its been almost 3 three years since me and my ex broke up and for the last three years i've been a dating machine but it all goes nowhere because I've never met anyone I was all that interested in. Until one day I met a girl at work the day we hired her about 4 months ago and, pardon the cliché, it was love at first sight.

 

Heres the thing…it was for her too…as she later told me.

 

She had moved back to our town after a year of travelling wanting to settle down. The problem? She has a boyfriend she left behind in France. She has no desire to live in France and he doesn't want to live in Québec so their relationship has been stalemated and long distance since the fall.

 

But as to us. I found out from a mutual friend at work that she had a crush on me. Inevitably we started to hang out. Nothing ever happened, I know she has a boyfriend, but we talked about what we called 'the elephant in the room.' Us.

 

Over the last few months we talked about how we 'click', how we have the same goals, how she has fallen out of love with her boyfriend that she met travelling and doesn't know how much she actually has in common with, in terms of life goals and all. And the last time they travelled together they fought all the time. We, on the other hand, have everything in common. We have the same goals. Everything we do is fun. Everything we say is hilarious. We can talk for hours about anything. Or nothing. Things seemed to be advancing inevitably towards them breaking up and us getting together.

 

Nonetheless, they had a prior agreement that he would move to Quebec to be with her if she agreed to go on a ten month trip to Africa with him. She's to leave in mid July. She told me she…wants to go because…well…Africa. But that she knew that she was dreading travelling with him (the fighting and whatnot) and that she was tired of travelling and wanted to settle down here and build something. She's 29 and has been travelling for the last 8 years.

 

Just a week ago she said she was thinking of cancelling the trip and talking about us and how we made sense. Then she went to visit friends in Montréal and when she came back she told me that she has decided that she's not ready to break up with her boyfriend. But when I asked her she couldn't tell me that she still loved him and also couldn't tell me that she didn't want to see me anymore and that if it weren't for the obligation she feels to go with him to Africa…things would be very different. She says she feels they don't have the same emotional connection as we do, that they don't talk like we do. That all they share are their projects (like this trip).

 

So what am I asking? I don't know.

 

I know its wrong for me to be pursuing someone else's girlfriend but this just makes too much sense, otherwise I never would have gone there in the first place. I don't know what the best way for me to act is or even if any of this makes any kind of sense… Am I wrong to still want her? Am I wrong to believe that she wants me and is only afraid to let go of a relationship that I know isn't working and is just waiting to die? To I back off or do I keep trying to win her? And if so, how?

 

What would you do in this situation?

[AGoodFriend]

She's sending you a lot of mixed signals. She still likes the boyfriend, but she likes you. She is hedging her bets, so to speak. Which one of you two will work out the best.

 

She says that she and her ex fight a lot, but that is only one bad thing. They must have other good things going on (sexual chemistry, for example) that outweigh the fighting and would make her consider going on a 10-month trip to Africa with him.

 

The reality is that they have the physical connection but their personalities don't mesh that well. However, the physical connection is keeping her attached.

 

What would I do? Based on the information that you have provided, I would have to let her go and live her life. Wish her the best. But you don't want to put yourself into any situation where a girl/lady has a known boyfriend that she is still at least sexually attracted to.

 

Let her go. In the meantime, you get out there and date yourself. She may come back to you, totally ready to commit herself to you and to you only, she may not. But you don't really want to wait 10 months while she figures that out.

[salmagundi]

Thanks for that, thats a pretty cogent read on the situation. And I guess you're right about letting her go…the only thing left is whether we should try and at least be friends for the time she has left before leaving? On the one hand I would still like to spend time with her and get to know her a bit in the time left…on the other hand I don't at all want to be just her friend and pretending i guess probably wouldn't help anything…

 

timing is everything in life…why is ours so bad…

[newmoon]

this is one of those situations where it'd be a good idea to judge her actions over her words. you don't take a trip, let alone a 10-month one, with someone you dislike and fight with or have no future with. she was likely just stringing along your affections so she'd not be lonely away from her boyfriend. it's classic mixed signals and keeping herself from feeling unwanted in the absence of her bf. she can tell you whatever she wants about him/her as he can't deny it and you can't confirm or deny anything. judge her actions, they tell you everything. she's not interested in you.

[AGoodFriend]

the only thing left is whether we should try and at least be friends for the time she has left before leaving?

 

Nothing wrong with being friends and getting to know her, salmagundi! I value my platonic relationships with my female friends and I rarely think about romance (except for this most recent friend of mine!)

 

Just count yourself lucky that you had all this information BEFORE you got too emotionally invested in her. It would be crushing to find out that she went to Africa with another man AFTER the fact.

[salmagundi]

Hey goodfriend,

I knew all along she was supposed to be going to Africa…the whole point of the trip is that he convinced to go as a kind of last ditch effort to fix their relationship. She has always been above board about all of that. Where I fit is I was the guy she was not expecting to meet at a time when she's questioning her relationship. As to my emotional investment…its too late for me…I feel like complete sh&t…

 

But I'm trying to be zen about it. I talked to a good friend of mine that her last serious relationship was very similar. She and her boyfriend were no longer getting along but he talked her into going travelling as a way of reconnecting or whatever. What she said in fact happened was that 2 months later they were broken up and she ending up travelling alone and coming home single. In her opinion its exactly what this girl will do. She bet me a pinte she'll be back in quebec in 3 months tops. But whatever. I can't count on any of that.

 

But the hardest thing is that since I first met her I've had this feeling that us getting together was an inevitablity. I've had this feeling a couple of times before in my life…like with my last girlfriend. I'm still not convinced I'm wrong…we have a strange connection that neither of us really understands. I'm also not convinced that I'm not delusional. vive l'amour…

[AGoodFriend]

salmagundi, vive l'amour indeed!

 

I know how you feel about the inevitability aspect. I have been there before, too. I think we always want to make relationships that seem "perfect" in our eyes work out, no matter the costs, because they are so rare.

 

However, one thing I think that would make it easy for me to move on in your situation is knowing for sure that there is another man in the picture, and that she still has feelings for him and is going to be with him for a very long time in a very far away place. It's one thing if she's iffy between the two of you, but you have a fair chance to see her often and win her (or lose her). But with the trip to Africa on the horizon, you won't really have that opportunity. At that point, I would be to write my feelings for her off fairly easily.

 

Like I said before, just try to put it in the back of your mind, because in reality, not being able to see her for 10 months is going to deaden most your feelings for her.

 

In the meantime, I think you should just keep talking to people here on this forum, and get a lot of different perspectives. I had an issue that bothered me about my current girl. But instead of bringing up the issue with her, I starting posting my problem here and on Quora. The perspectives I got back from people have proven invaluable. At this point, I have gotten over what was bothering me.

 

You are not delusional my friend! Love is irrational (as is hate), but if she does go to Africa with him, you will quickly regain your rational feelings and you will be surprised just how quickly you get over her.

[privategal]

As a girl..familiar with girl code...Id say..don't trust this girl.

Shes not only flaky but is kindof being a cake eater.

Id be willing to bet she wants her bf and is unsure whether he might stay with HER not the other way around so shes got uou as a backup plan.

A girl who is not interested will not make that trip. Common were all adults..a trip doesn't fix a relationship. She wants him...she knows she looks like a jerk if she admits that and that she wants to go. She doesn't know how to let u down and also its hard to let u go because she loses an ego boost but make no mistake she wants that trip with him..shes interested in traveling with her love and having adventure and HIM.

I watched the bachelorette last night. This girl has 20 guys fawning all over her pining for her affection and kissing her.

What does she do? An old texting buddy shows up, she brings him in the show kissing him on the 1st night.

Just like your friend, shes an opportunist!

She doesn't want you but loves your attention.

If he broke up with her...do you want another guys seconds even if shes single would she do the same to you entertaining another guys affections?

Id say get your head back in the game..open your eyes...cut your losses. Its her loss.

She just wants you on standby for when shes back from her edventures she wont be bored.

Let her go now! You can be single and have a fun summer without someone who vascillates between 2 guys.

Its unhealthy anyways. Show her the door..yes u will miss her but it will be less confusing and will allow all that energy and confusion you have with her to go away and let you meet new people, date, make travel plans of your own, and just have a drama free life.

She didnt make a firm stand and pick you...tells you EVERYTHING!