Do affairs ever end without a D-Day?

[Goochio]

Hi all, I am currently involved in an affair with a co-worker. We have both decided after just one month of this affair to call it quits and focus on our own relationships. I want to put this behind me and allow her to continue her life as she is a lot younger than myself..23, and I am 37 years old.She has her whole life ahead of her and feels confused about her feelings regarding her fiancé since this all started. I am separated, I left my Wife 18 months ago when the sexual tension between myself and my co-worker first took hold. Yes, 17 months of sexual tension and trying to fan the flames of our attraction before we finally cracked!

Anyway, how hard is this going to be whilst we work together still? We have not been found out. I just want an end to it for the sake of her future but never experienced anything like the feeling of this addiction before. Is there hope for a clean break?? I should be asking myself this question I know but in all honesty things are out of control

[minimariah]

do you have any chances of changing your job...? or being transferred to another position...?

 

you won't magically forget her once you cut off any contact with her but i'm sure NOT seeing her daily helps to some extent in moving on.

 

& sure, As do end without a D-day. you're headed for a divorce anyway & the A was short so... i don't think you need to be worried about some kind of big scandal or anything like it.

[Goochio]

Well we are both Managerial and an excellent team in terms of working relationship. For one or both of us to leave would have a huge impact on our careers. Heading for divorce is not entirely accurate Im hoping to be heading for reconciliation as we are both willing. Damn this is messy thanks for reading and posting.

[minimariah]

Well we are both Managerial and an excellent team in terms of working relationship. For one or both of us to leave would have a huge impact on our careers. Heading for divorce is not entirely accurate Im hoping to be heading for reconciliation as we are both willing. Damn this is messy thanks for reading and posting.

 

i'm sorry, sweetheart - i was quick with my assumptions.

 

if you're willing to work on your M & if your AP had decided to work on hers... go NC. any contact BUT professional one - avoid.

 

not really sure what to tell you, it will be really hard... try to avoid her as much as you can, occupy yourself with other things and focus on your M. let the time do its thing. that's the best advice i can give you.

 

but it will be hard and painful and you probably will have "relapse" situations -- so be prepared.

[Goochio]

Well we are both Managerial and an excellent team in terms of working relationship. For one or both of us to leave would have a huge impact on our careers. Heading for divorce is not entirely accurate Im hoping to be heading for reconciliation as we are both willing. Damn this is messy thanks for reading and posting.

[elaine567]

Well we are both Managerial and an excellent team in terms of working relationship. For one or both of us to leave would have a huge impact on our careers. Heading for divorce is not entirely accurate Im hoping to be heading for reconciliation as we are both willing. Damn this is messy thanks for reading and posting.

 

This is exactly why workplace romances are not advisable and workplace affairs are often madness.

Lets hope you both can control this, without the need for anger, upset, bitterness or revenge, for the sake of both your careers.

 

As for your original question. An affair is just a relationship, some go on forever, some are true love, some are just a short fling and some rumble on for ages. on little more than they are a vehicle for convenient or easy sex.

 

Good luck.

[Darren Steez]

Same copy and paste answer...are you a robot...in managerial..having an affair?

[Goochio]

Yep, it sure is crazy. We both knew from the start it could only end badly but still we pushed on. Madness. Time will tell

[anika99]

Well we are both Managerial and an excellent team in terms of working relationship. For one or both of us to leave would have a huge impact on our careers. Heading for divorce is not entirely accurate Im hoping to be heading for reconciliation as we are both willing. Damn this is messy thanks for reading and posting.

 

 

Oh so this isn't about ending for the sake of your OW's future, this about getting her to go away so you can reconcile with your wife without any problems from the OW.

 

 

Hard to say what will happen. If your OW doesn't want to end the affair then the sh*t might hit the fan. She might suddenly break up with her fiancé as a way to hold on to you or she may tell your wife about the affair.

 

 

Does the OW know that you are getting back together with wife? If so is she okay with it? Does your wife know about this affair?

[Mrs. New Wife]

Maybe it's just me, but if you're separated and merely maybe hoping to reconcile when everybody can get their ducks in a row, this isn't exactly an "affair." So if it were me, I'd say "Hey, getting back with the wife, this was fun but we need to end it, let's just be work/professional friends" and treat it like any other breakup.

 

The cloak and dagger of how you're going to handle it doesn't make me think "affair" so much as it makes me think "he's not at all interested in telling his wife, or having her find out, what he did while they were separated." Or perhaps you're going back to the wife, but could see yourself going back to this well as a full blown affair after you reconcile.

 

I think that those are the clinchers you should really worry about right now. If you're lying to her or lying by omission in not telling her, you've got bigger issues upcoming than how to dump the girl to go back to your wife. There's of course the lie to your wife, which she wouldn't appreciate, or the possibility of returning to her all the while having a mistress/replacement wife up on deck.

 

Also, don't try the "it's not you, it's me, I'm being the big guy by letting you go so you don't ruin your life" argument. Most of us have been there, done that, and figured that was our prompt to try and prove to you that you are what we want. Or, alternatively, we recognize it for what it is... A guy dealing a girl a breakup but not having the kajones to try and come out as the good guy.

 

FYI - No woman in the world has heard that line and said "oh thanks so much for saving me from ruining my life, you're a great guy." If you're going to break, break and tell her why, accept if she's in to you that you'll hurt her feelings and be the villain in this semi-love triangle.

[MissBee]

Hi all, I am currently involved in an affair with a co-worker. We have both decided after just one month of this affair to call it quits and focus on our own relationships. I want to put this behind me and allow her to continue her life as she is a lot younger than myself..23, and I am 37 years old.She has her whole life ahead of her and feels confused about her feelings regarding her fiancé since this all started. I am separated, I left my Wife 18 months ago when the sexual tension between myself and my co-worker first took hold. Yes, 17 months of sexual tension and trying to fan the flames of our attraction before we finally cracked!

Anyway, how hard is this going to be whilst we work together still? We have not been found out. I just want an end to it for the sake of her future but never experienced anything like the feeling of this addiction before. Is there hope for a clean break?? I should be asking myself this question I know but in all honesty things are out of control

 

Yea they can end without a dday. Mine did. But what helped too was that it was long distance and our NC was complete and total. We lived in two different countries and when it ended I didn't have to see him or interact with him so that helped.

 

In your case, it's obviously harder because you work together. One option, which you won't like, is that if it's really hard to be in control you could tell your SO the truth and let the chips fall where they may. That might help you to go into an actual recovery mode of working on your relationship where you now have no time to be worried about your exOW....versus the secrecy that will still exist might make it easier to just go right back into an affair.

[Matahari007]

Some affairs end with no D-day and now that you called it quits you have definitely lessen the possibility but you know that slight percentage is always there. Cut off all ties, keep it strictly work related and look at it as a lessen learned for both of you. I wish you the best going forward. I know its difficult but it can be done if this is what you want.

[Popsicle]

Why are you going back to your wife ? You left her before. Why did you even leave her? That's what's even more puzzling.

[Popsicle]

Are you scared that OW is going to tell and you want her to just go away like Bill CLinton wanted Monica to go away?

 

Or are you scared that you will fall back into the A?

[GoldieLox]

You left your wife simply because the sexual tension between you and this OW was building up? I don't buy it, what else aren't you telling us? We are happy to give advice but we really need the whole story here.

[GoBlue]

I think that you want us to tell you that you can break off this affair without any exposure to it. Kind of a, "we had our fun for a short period of time. We regained our senses and have decided to return to where we were. We had an itch and scratched it. Now we will get back to being effective and valuable assets to our place of employment without any real negative results. She will move on and get married and I will hopefully reconcile with my wife." It's probably not going to be as clean a break as you hope it is going to be. If you really want to reconcile with your wife, how do you think you can keep this from her? These "confused" feelings she is having toward her fiance, do you think that's a marriage headed for success? Marriage is the most intimate of relationships in this world. The basis of which is honest and open communication, which becomes the foundation for trust and commitment. Sex is more like a glue that bonds a couple together. It can never in-and-of-itself make a relationship truly intimate.

 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that many marriages have recovered from affairs and become stronger than they were before. There is no need to assume that if you are honest with her that it will automatically end in divorce. There is help available and I can give some ideas if you are interested. In the mean-time, have you considered finding a counselor, mentor, or Pastor to confide in? If this stays inside the two of you there is a much greater chance that you will slip back into the affair. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[OldRover]

Why are you going back to your wife ? You left her before. Why did you even leave her? That's what's even more puzzling.

 

Popsicle,

 

There are many reasons that people separate from their mate. There's nothing puzzling about going back to a wife or GF..... happens all the time. People DO change. But that's not the point.

 

It's also not the point that he may or may not tell his wife, he hasn't disclosed the details of their separation and what they agreed to, that's his business, and not pertinent to the goal of this post.

 

The point is can Goochio end the relationship with the young lady successfully and continue without problems in the work place. And the answer is CERTAINLY!.

But is will come with some very strong commitments and a strong will to put this behind. Heck, it was only a month's worth, hardly deep love. It's over and it can remain over.

 

The have both recognized that they both wish to end it and that's a plus.

 

It will be up to Goochio and the young lady to make this a success.

 

Also, I believe Goochio when he says that he would like to let the young lady pursue her love with her fiancee, without any influence of their relationship. Yes there are guys that care about women and believe it or not sometimes do things that a painful for them the benefit the woman. I've been there without regrets.

 

I'll give Goochio all the credit for getting through this with success. I've never been in a similar situation so I can't offer direct advise that worked, but perhaps some good counseling and some very good friends could help. They both need the strength to put the relationship behind them.

 

Don't get me wrong, Popsicle, your thoughts and advise are often spot on and very thought provoking.

 

How would you tell him how to keep the work place free from this short affair fot them and keep it permanent?

[OldRover]

Hi all, I am currently involved in an affair with a co-worker. We have both decided after just one month of this affair to call it quits and focus on our own relationships. I want to put this behind me and allow her to continue her life as she is a lot younger than myself..23, and I am 37 years old.She has her whole life ahead of her and feels confused about her feelings regarding her fiancé since this all started. I am separated, I left my Wife 18 months ago when the sexual tension between myself and my co-worker first took hold. Yes, 17 months of sexual tension and trying to fan the flames of our attraction before we finally cracked!

Anyway, how hard is this going to be whilst we work together still? We have not been found out. I just want an end to it for the sake of her future but never experienced anything like the feeling of this addiction before. Is there hope for a clean break?? I should be asking myself this question I know but in all honesty things are out of control

 

Goochio,

 

ABSOLUTELY, you can solve this... see above post. There are ways, and WILL take some effort, but it's a pretty short affair and you can succeed.

 

Keep us posted.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't know, I still think something about all of this just doesn't add up. Still think it's best to fess up to the wife, honestly split with the girl, and let it go from there. I don't buy the "falling on my sword for you" thing, nor do I buy the story with the wife.

[OldRover]

I don't know, I still think something about all of this just doesn't add up. Still think it's best to fess up to the wife, honestly split with the girl, and let it go from there. I don't buy the "falling on my sword for you" thing, nor do I buy the story with the wife.

 

 

Redheaded,

 

What doesn't add up? The fess up really depends on things we don't know, and it's up to the OP to decide if he wishes to discuss them, but currently not the jest of this thread.

 

And the guy isn't jumping off a cliff for her so she can have a better life... heck, this was only a month, and is clearly just an infatuation. And, yes, people do have a conscious... even men.

 

There may be more to the story, if the OP wishes to add to it that's his choice. For now, I feel that his original question can be answered with YES.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle,

 

There are many reasons that people separate from their mate. There's nothing puzzling about going back to a wife or GF..... happens all the time. People DO change. But that's not the point.

 

It's also not the point that he may or may not tell his wife, he hasn't disclosed the details of their separation and what they agreed to, that's his business, and not pertinent to the goal of this post.

 

The point is can Goochio end the relationship with the young lady successfully and continue without problems in the work place. And the answer is CERTAINLY!.

But is will come with some very strong commitments and a strong will to put this behind. Heck, it was only a month's worth, hardly deep love. It's over and it can remain over.

 

The have both recognized that they both wish to end it and that's a plus.

 

It will be up to Goochio and the young lady to make this a success.

 

Also, I believe Goochio when he says that he would like to let the young lady pursue her love with her fiancee, without any influence of their relationship. Yes there are guys that care about women and believe it or not sometimes do things that a painful for them the benefit the woman. I've been there without regrets.

 

I'll give Goochio all the credit for getting through this with success. I've never been in a similar situation so I can't offer direct advise that worked, but perhaps some good counseling and some very good friends could help. They both need the strength to put the relationship behind them.

 

Don't get me wrong, Popsicle, your thoughts and advise are often spot on and very thought provoking.

 

How would you tell him how to keep the work place free from this short affair fot them and keep it permanent?

 

He never came back to answer my question above about whether he just wanted to end this without the OW making his life hard, or if he was suggesting that he was afraid that he will fall back into the A. Assuming it's the former, then that really depends on what kind of person the OW is, and that, we don't know. I would hope she wouldn't create any problems for him, but he would know her better than we do. I suspect though, that he made this post because he fears that he will not be able to resist falling back into the A with the OW, even though he wants to go back to his wife, and he is seeking some hopeful stories from former OM/OW about this. Hopefully he comes back and confirms or denies this.

 

By the way, OldRover, you sure sound like a MM rather than a divorced one.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Popsicle

[anika99]

Popsicle,

 

There are many reasons that people separate from their mate. There's nothing puzzling about going back to a wife or GF..... happens all the time. People DO change. But that's not the point.

 

It's also not the point that he may or may not tell his wife, he hasn't disclosed the details of their separation and what they agreed to, that's his business, and not pertinent to the goal of this post.

 

The point is can Goochio end the relationship with the young lady successfully and continue without problems in the work place. And the answer is CERTAINLY!.

But is will come with some very strong commitments and a strong will to put this behind. Heck, it was only a month's worth, hardly deep love. It's over and it can remain over.

 

The have both recognized that they both wish to end it and that's a plus.

 

 

 

 

 

Actually the OP never said that the AP wishes to end the affair. He said that she is confused about her feelings for her fiancé since she's been with him, which I took to mean as the AP was considering leaving her fiancé to be with the OP. This is why I think the OP's main concern is that the AP is going to make trouble for him at work if he breaks things off with her.

 

 

Actually never mind. Just went back and read the first post and see that the OP said they both decided to end the affair. In that case I don't see a problem either.

Edited June 5, 2015 by anika99
edited to add text

[OldRover]

He never came back to answer my question above about whether he just wanted to end this without the OW making his life hard, or if he was suggesting that he was afraid that he will fall back into the A. Assuming it's the former, then that really depends on what kind of person the OW is, and that, we don't know. I would hope she wouldn't create any problems for him, but he would know her better than we do. I suspect though, that he made this post because he fears that he will not be able to resist falling back into the A with the OW, even though he wants to go back to his wife, and he is seeking some hopeful stories from former OM/OW about this. Hopefully he comes back and confirms or denies this.

 

By the way, OldRover, you sure sound like a MM rather than a divorced one.

 

Popsicle,

 

I didn't see where he mentioned going back to the wife at all... must of missed that when you asked him about this.

 

And I could certainly see the temptation of getting back into the affair, especially with them seeing each other. There will be some challenges and some effort... but can be done.

 

BTW, what tells you that I sound like a MM? Curious.