In desperate need of guidance part 2 (SHORTENED!)

[LostinLifeGal]

OK, I posted a very long message on needing guidance. I think I was just venting too many feelings so I will try to condense to the main facts. I am 36, with a 3 year old son, and married for 12 years. I was born in the US but my family is of Indian origin, so understand that some things are cultural as well. So key facts.

 

My mother, who lives about 45 minutes from me, has made my life hell for years. Even growing up, she would fake illnesses if we ever stood up for ourselves. Her and my dad had a volatile relationship where my dad hit her sometimes. She would just cling onto me as her life support and my older brother would aslo just push me into the mess because he was too scared. She’s AWLWAYS needed to be the center of attention and couldn’t tolerate that she was not the center of my universe when I got married. She claimed that she just “loves me too much,” and has unrealistic expectations of a daughter. If I ever stood up for myself, it caused more drama and rage. My dad just parroted what she said because it was the only place he earned brownie points. They hated my husband because he responded back and stood up for us.

The first few years of our marriage were awful because I was always distracted by my mother. We had no intimacy etc but I was scared to break away from her. I greatly limited contact but could not cut her out fully. I kept begging my husband to move but he is stronger and said that was running away. I knew that my worst nightmare was raising my future kids around her…But my husband said I needed to be striong and our jobs and all were here. I was a very high paid attorney and my husband high on the corporate ladder. We were career wise very successful for our ages (I was 26 and husband 31.)

Instead of hearing my desperation to move, my husband wanted to make “practical investments” and convinced me that buying a townhome was best. I kept struggling through the years. The massive rages from her caused major stress in our life, and I ended up getting diagnosed with MS when I was 27. We never had sex, but struggled through couples’ counseling where my husband expressed his anger about the way I handled my mother. He thought I should have cut her off. I had no support from my brother who knows they are messed up but s too scared on his own. I tried to confront numerous times and it just resulted in more drama. So the way my husband wanted to confront wouldn’t work.

We got a little better through couples’ counseling and I went through fertility treatments and got pregnant with our son 10 years after our marriage. I had fertility treatments only because we couldn’t have sex. I felt massively rejected, but I figured it would get better…I suffered massive PPD. Also my husband convinced me to be practical and buy another single family home and at the same time (baby was 2 months old) he invited 5 of his family members from India to come and stay to see the baby. I continued the tug of war with the baby with my mom, so needless to say I was in a very bad state. It was my worst nightmare… Raising my baby in close vicinity of my mother.

I thought things were improving and my husband, at age 40 has a massive heart attack, which he survived. I decided we wouldn’t talk about anything stressful at all, and just focused on him eating right and exercising etc…Though the heart attack was a massive shock for me too, I put on a brave front for him. I thought I was doing the right thing by NOT discussing stressful stuff, but my husband got even more angry saying I hadn’t acknowledged that all the stress over the years that caused of his heart attack. He was upset I kept saying it was his food, which was also TRUE since he had high cholesterol for years and ate fast food 5-10 times a week!

Anyways, here we are…married for 12 years with a 3 year old son whom we adore. There is no sex ever. Past resentments etc. We look very successful…I’m an attorney. My husband is very high on the corporate ladder and we have this gorgeous large home etc. But I am struggling. I feel like I have been blamed for years when for the last 10 years I have BEGGED my husband to move away from this state so I have can have peace of mind. I try my best keeping distance from my mom and limiting my son’s contact but there is only so much I can do beyond breaking relationships all together. I am so resentlful that he never listened to me. Now he has and realizes his ego stopped him from listening back then, so he is job hunting outside the state. But I am just so sad and resentful. And still dealing with my mom’s roller coaster while trying to protect my son and trying to live a better life. So I need advice…How do I get over my own resentment? How do I get over being so run over by so much trauma in our lives? Do you think moving will help with a fresh start? I am in therapy and have been for years. Any advice or guidance is appreciated.

[berniev]

I'll tell you my opinion but obviously I have my own issue to deal with.

 

Just count how many times you mentioned your "mom" in your post, you know your main source of frustration is that you can't control your mom. If she's that bad a influence on you and your family, you should tell her in no certain terms that she will not step into your home again or call you at home unless it's an emergency, and you will bring the kid to see her when needed.

 

You need to tell your husband that he's not allowed to speak to your family unless he says only nice things in a non-sarcastic way. Your family is your problem to deal with, and his family his.

 

Since your mom as old as she is doesn't know the boundaries, it's up to you to teach her. She fakes illness, you call the ambulance or send a doctor for her; she gets violent and abusive, you call the cops and file a restraint order.

 

And not having sex with your husband? You can count yourself lucky still having a marriage.

[LostinLifeGal]

No, it's not that I'm not having sex with him... Other way around. Earlier on, he said he was turned off by me and the way I handled my mom. Now he says it was his heart condition and his heart meds now.... So sex between us is kind of out the window.

[LostinLifeGal]

In the middle of all this, my brother aged 41, is finally getting married in August. If I take any drastic measures against my mom it will screw up his wedding, and I don't want to do that to him either...

[loveboid]

I suspect my mom has undiagnosed PTSD. Even so it's no excuse for her raging at me. What I did with her is sent her a nice email complimenting her accomplishments, showing gratitude for her raising me, and then said I would not accept her yelling at me--that it hurts me and our relationship too much.

 

Eventually I stopped answering her calls and refused to open the door to her when she came to my house.

 

A few months later she asked for my help which I gave her. She is very sweet to me now. If she rages at me though I'm blocking her from my life again. She knows that.

 

I would do the same and go no contact with your mom. It's very relaxing and you need peace it sounds. It's your life.

[berniev]

I suspect my mom has undiagnosed PTSD. Even so it's no excuse for her raging at me. What I did with her is sent her a nice email complimenting her accomplishments, showing gratitude for her raising me, and then said I would not accept her yelling at me--that it hurts me and our relationship too much.

 

Eventually I stopped answering her calls and refused to open the door to her when she came to my house.

 

A few months later she asked for my help which I gave her. She is very sweet to me now. If she rages at me though I'm blocking her from my life again. She knows that.

 

I would do the same and go no contact with your mom. It's very relaxing and you need peace it sounds. It's your life.

 

Yes, silence treatment works sometimes actually.

[LostinLifeGal]

I forgot to mention that multiple therapists have told me she has classic borderline and narcissistic personality disorder.

[berniev]

I forgot to mention that multiple therapists have told me she has classic borderline and narcissistic personality disorder.

 

If you can't stand up to your mom, you don't have any hope for your family and your life.

[Vercetti]

Resentment, horrid thing. Cut your mom off 100% she is toxic to the extreme. Perhaps after you are stable and removed from the situation for a few years, she will learn boundaries.

[sandylee1]

I understand the cultural issues here, but your mother needs to have respect for you and your marriage. You can see the damage she's caused and it's up to you to put a stop to it.

 

The control and hold she has over you stops when you end it. There have been times when my mother has tried to almost insist she's right about something, but I don't let her get away with it. It's one thing when you're a kid at home, but at a certain stage of your life, my view is she would very much miss me in her life and if she annoyed me, I'd just stop calling and visiting.

 

When your mother realises she wants you in her life, more than the other way round, she'll step in line or you have to go very low contact with her.

[LostinLifeGal]

I did want to respond that I already keep distance from my mom. She hates it and constantly pulls and gives me guilt and misery but sees my son every 2-3 weeks for maybe 2 hours. She's just always pulling harder and harder and I am just tired of dealing with fending her off. I have really worked on distancing her from my life but she manages to still suck my life out every few weeks. I feel like the only way for myself prior to fully cutting her out is to go away geographically... I feel much more free and like I can breathe when I'm far away. I want to try that route prior to taking the most drastic step.

[Quiet Storm]

I so understand that "sucking you in" feeling- my sister is a Borderline. I had to completely cut her out of my life for years. It was very difficult because my parents pressured me to have contact with her. Now she is in my life in a limited capacity, but I keep strict boundaries. I stop conversations before they get emotionally charged. I mostly see her in family gatherings, where she is less likely to start drama.

 

I was able to distance myself living 10 miles away from her. Moving would make it easier, but you can still do it living close. You just have to accept it's going to be hard. She won't make it easy on you. Remember, negative attention and hate are like fuel- you have to be absent, indifferent, unemotional, detached. When she fakes illnesses or makes suicide threats- call 911. Violence or threats- call 911. Phone calls- ignore. Visits- say you are busy and ask her to leave.

 

Tell her that it is not healthy for your emotional well being to have a relationship with her at this time. You are responsible for your emotional health and you have a child to care for. Adamantly say that you can no longer have contact with her and ask her to please respect that. This is not up for debate.

 

It's going to be hard, but it worked in my case. It released me from her drama, and helped her to see that her behavior has consequences. Now it's been years after I said "I'm done", she doesn't rage at me anymore, and when I feel her trying to suck me in, I just leave or end the conversation.

 

It also helped that I've learned not to take my sister's behavior personally. She has a disorder and isn't capable of regulating her emotions normally. I don't have to let her issues be a dark cloud over my life. I know how you feel and I agonized over completely cutting her off, but it really ended up being the best thing for the both of us. My sister and I both have kids so that made it even harder.

 

Wishing you peace.

[LostinLifeGal]

Thank you. Eventually that may be where I'm heading. But yes, she will make it miserable for me and try to take her down with me. The worst is, she really doesn't feel the least bit bad for her behavior. And my brother has no balls to ever support or stick up for me and my dad parrots her like a puppet. So she never even knows she's wrong. Sigh..