what does it all mean??

[Sharpie77]

My wife and I have been together 12 years - married nearly 9. Have two kids - 5 and 3. We lost our first child - our daughter - at birth in 2008. Our drift apart probably began at that point.

 

She announced she was done on March 1st. Her rationale was that I had become disconnected from the relationship and she had done everything she could to pull me back and she finally got to the point where she was done.

 

I was served with divorce papers on March 24th.

 

We are still living together - existing more or less as we did before - just without the "normal" husband and wife dynamic. We even sleep in the same bed - though with a body pillow dividing her half and my half.

 

We have had ups and downs since she dropped the bomb. I was very angry at first - I felt like she was giving up. I eventually came around to the idea that I needed to look at myself and my role if there was any hope. I have gone through a lot of introspection since then - asked a lot of hard questions and I realize I changed when we lost our daughter and I have been fighting to get the "old" me back - and I have been largely successful.

 

I am closer right now mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically to the man she fell in love with and married than I have been in many years.

 

She has acknowledged it.

 

We have been getting along well over the past couple of weeks - I feel like we're learning how to share the same space again and find enjoyment in one another's company.

 

It's just that she seems to let me in - and then she pulls back. We had a heart-to-heart on the 19th and suddenly we were like kids again - spent a couple days laughing and hugging - innocent stuff - but for the first time she actually allowed me into her space.

 

Then - on the 25th - she suddenly lets me have it: you haven't changed, I don't trust you and stuff like that - all boils down to her "intuition" that because I was disconnected from her I must have been connected (even if it was one sided) to someone else. I've swore up and down to her that she was always the only one - and yes - I know that words only mean so much - it's actions. When that conversation ended it was with "we need to tell the kids soon" and that I "needed to find somewhere to stay" on the nights when she was supposed to be with the kids (we have shared primary placement scheduled).

 

She did say the next day that she no longer felt like "anything happened" but that she could not "shake the feeling" that something did.

 

Anyway, our emotions cooled off throughout the week. We had a nice weekend. On Sunday she hit me with "I think it would be best for the kids" if we just stayed together in the house until everything was finalized. I have no problem with that. We then went on to spend a nice day together: trip to farmer's market, lunch and so on (the four of us).

 

There is just this constant push and pull. We had a great relationship at one point. She's decided that she needs to move on because she was unhappy - yet she's acknowledged the positive changes in my life. We still share a lot of shared moments - laughs at the kids - jokes directed towards one another. She cries easily - for instance - on Sunday we were driving and I was talking about some of the things I'd changed about myself and she started crying.

 

She still gets in her jabs: "Someone told me about a great condo" or "what are you going to do for a coffee maker?"

 

I just don't know for sure what she's thinking (obviously). I believe what we have is fixable. It's the general consensus between our families that what we have is fixable and there is even tension between her and some of her friends because they "don't understand" why she continues to go through with this.

 

My devotion has been steadfast. I have worked HARD to get back to being the guy I was. I still love her deeply.

 

What do you all think? Ideas???

[William]

This is more of a Marriage related question than an second chances question. If you were living apart or divorced this board would give you more appropriate advice.

[Sharpie77]

As a moderator can you move it to the appropriate board? Otherwise - I would have no problem cutting and pasting it elsewhere. Thanks for the advice!

[Mrlonelyone]

OP most of us here at second chances have never been married. The kinds of advice we give is more geared towards getting back and ex BF/GF or possibly and ex wife/husband if you haven't been living together.

 

That said all we could recommend is that you go for the least possible contact. Don't try to be in her space. Don't invite her into your space. Keep that pillow between you. Heck propose buying separate beds like Lucy and Ricky in the early years of "I Love Lucy". Make it clear to her she does not get to feel like she has a husband if you are broken up.

 

You can also ask her if she wants to try marriage counseling and only talk about the relationship, feelings, etc. with the aid of a counselor. If she agrees to that it would be a concrete demonstration that she wants to reconcile.

 

What you have had is 12 years of a kind of relationship lots of people on LS would love to get a chance to experience. Please stick around and give us some advice on just what really works.

 

 

@William I think we could have given some decent advice but I see why you moved it.

[GorillaTheater]

This is a tough one: it's still a fairly recent situation, and to suggest that you disengage emotionally would simply confirm her "fears" about you and her initial complaint about how you were distancing yourself. I struggle with that, because you're now divorcing, and you really do need to disengage somewhat to preserve your own emotional well-being.

 

Have you seen the 180 list?

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

[MuddyRock]

Be honest here or we can't help. Why does she feel there is someone else? What are her specific reasons? Do you text or talk to female friends or co workers?

If there is absolutely not even a female friend in your life then perhaps she is the one with a side friend. It would explain alot of her push pull.

[Sharpie77]

Be honest here or we can't help. Why does she feel there is someone else? What are her specific reasons? Do you text or talk to female friends or co workers?

If there is absolutely not even a female friend in your life then perhaps she is the one with a side friend. It would explain alot of her push pull.

 

There has never been anyone on my side and I'm as confident as I can be that there is nobody on her side.

 

My explanation?

 

My older cousin and his wife were divorced last year. On the outside - our stories sound similar. My cousin's wife felt that he had become disconnected from the marriage. She tried to bring him back - to no avail. She felt he no longer loved her and so on.

 

She was right.

 

He had become disconnected from her. He freely admitted it before they split up. He told me he no longer loved her. He no longer found her attractive and that he was in love with her best-friend. Her best-friend is happily married - so it was a one-way emotional "affair" but it was an emotional affair. He was invested in someone else and he knew it was having a negative impact on his marriage.

 

I think my wife worried/worries that I was the same way. I believe she felt that since she felt I was disconnected from her it must mean that I was connected elsewhere.

 

This was never the case.

 

I used to be a very emotional person - very giving in my emotional giving. When we lost our daughter - I put up barriers to protect myself from ever experiencing that pain again - I didn't realize I was doing it and I only really see it now - and one of the side effects of that emotional "protection" was that I did close myself off to a lot of things - and I know she felt it the most acutely.

 

So much of what went on between us is related to the loss of our daughter.

 

Anyway - no - there never was anyone else. She has always been the only woman in my heart - and no - I truly do not believe she has anyone else.

[Sharpie77]

Yes - I am familiar with the 180 list and I have been using a lot of those - have been for months. I can't say I've been successful in all of them all of the time - but I've done well - and yeah - I think it has helped.

[berniev]

This is a tough one: it's still a fairly recent situation, and to suggest that you disengage emotionally would simply confirm her "fears" about you and her initial complaint about how you were distancing yourself. I struggle with that, because you're now divorcing, and you really do need to disengage somewhat to preserve your own emotional well-being.

 

Have you seen the 180 list?

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

 

If a relationship has to be this manipulative, I'd rather not have it!

[GorillaTheater]

Yes - I am familiar with the 180 list and I have been using a lot of those - have been for months. I can't say I've been successful in all of them all of the time - but I've done well - and yeah - I think it has helped.

 

Then stay the course and keep trying to hew to the 180 where you can. It's really all you can do because everything else is out of your hands and beyond your control. Your wife may have a change of heart, and she may not.

 

Respectfully, some of what your wife is doing isn't entirely rational. This deal with suspecting you of being with someone else, based on what she's basing it on, doesn't seem normal to me. Anything else going on which may relate to her mental health?

[GorillaTheater]

If a relationship has to be this manipulative, I'd rather not have it!

 

By more-or-less following this list, you're not trying to manipulate anyone. You're trying to control yourself and preserve your own emotional and mental well being.

 

How do you see it as manipulative?

[Sharpie77]

Then stay the course and keep trying to hew to the 180 where you can. It's really all you can do because everything else is out of your hands and beyond your control. Your wife may have a change of heart, and she may not.

 

Respectfully, some of what your wife is doing isn't entirely rational. This deal with suspecting you of being with someone else, based on what she's basing it on, doesn't seem normal to me. Anything else going on which may relate to her mental health?

 

I have long suspected some depression and I know she has self worth issues. She just wasn't raised in a family where it was "okay" to admit mental health concerns.

 

Also - so much is related to losing our child. We both changed.

 

I agree - her behavior isn't entirely rational - which is why she doesn't have much support from her family and friends. They don't get it: they see a "normal" relationship that ran into some fixable problems. Her response is to become upset - leaning emotionally on me in the process - and say they don't understand what she dealt with and how hard she tried.

 

I'm kind of like great - when you put it that way it makes me sound like I treated you horribly and you suffered greatly (I, of course, have not said this) - but it's kind of how she makes it sound.

 

She has admitted to at least some self doubt recently - "am I doing the right thing?" or "have I tried hard enough?"

[MuddyRock]

Is she not open to marriage counseling? Sound like the next step.

[Babs22]

I am sorry for the loss of your first child. Did you and your wife go to grief counseling when this happened? If it is still effecting both of you this way, it sounds like nether of you ever dealt with that loss. I would encourage MC. Since you have children, I think you both owe it to them. You obviously love your wife and I think it would be very sad for a family to break up, when it seems so fixable. I agree your wife may have jumped to conclusions because of what happened to your brother and his wife. You still love her, let her know. My H has always been emotionally detached. My 17 year old son actually labeled it. I just always felt like I was married to Spock. Now after 20 years of not hearing "I love you" or receiving any compliments, I'm ready to give up. It sounds like you have changed. Let her know how you feel, tell her, write her notes and get some counseling. If she is depressed, you both need that.

[Sharpie77]

We did "attempt" marriage counseling right after she hit me with the news. We went twice - but she never went into it with an open mind. I think she did it for me - but she never felt it would work.

 

I think it was the wrong time to do it - I should have made the move earlier.

 

We did get grief counseling after we lost our daughter. We saw a therapist together for several months and then she stopped going. I continue to see the same therapist to this day. I've long had anxiety issues that got way worse after we lost our daughter.

 

I wish my wife would have stuck with the therapy longer - and I wish she would now seek out a qualified therapist. She does see a "Reiki" practitioner - but I don't know if that is the what she needs.

[Sharpie77]

I just keep looking for little things I can do to show that I care - because I feel like my hands are tied in regards to any "big" shows of caring.

 

For instance, she works late on Tuesday and Thursday nights. She is a hair stylist. I have to pass her salon on my way from work to daycare. I noticed yesterday that there was a large truck parked where she normally parks. We passed her salon again on the way home after I'd picked up her kids and I noticed that she'd parked on the far opposite side of the building so I ducked into the parking lot - hopped into her car - moved it to where she normally parks and then ran back to my car and drove home (the truck was gone). I sent her a text saying don't worry - your car wasn't stolen - just saw it on the way past and decided to move it for you. Her response via text was "Aww...thank you!"

 

When she got home last night - our son was still awake - in his bed - but awake. She went in to kiss him goodnight and on the way back to the living room she banged into something and he called out "are you okay?" and she said yeah and when I commented on it she said that "he's a considerate person just like his daddy".

 

It's just so tough because I want her to know that I care - that I'm here for her - but I don't know how to do it without seeming obvious.

 

We sat on the couch last night and watched the final two episodes of Grey's Anatomy - which she had taped. I never used to watch it with her but over the past several weeks I've been watching it with her. I know that one thing that used to make her sad was when we'd put the kids to bed and she'd stay up and I'd just go to bed - reading by myself or watching television by myself in the room - when all she wanted was to just spend that time together.

 

Anyway, we just sat on the couch last night and watched it together. It was nice - she seemed open and happy.

 

One of the themes of the episodes we watched was infidelity - and it was after watching an episode that dealt with the infidelity that she went off on me on Memorial Day. However, the final episode of the season had a theme of reconciliation - and about how you only get so much time on this earth - so put aside your differences and make it work. I might sound crazy but I felt like it was almost "speaking" to us. I wish I could have said the right thing - or anything.

 

I just feel like I sit around waiting for a sign to act and I worry that I'm either missing it or that I'm not being bold enough. Does she want me to do something?

 

I just know I love this woman more than I've loved anything in my life - more than I love myself. I still feel like we're not that far apart - yet we are - and I'd give up just about anything to find my way back into her heart.

 

Any subtle ways to let her know I "care" care?

[Sharpie77]

I should add that I am the goofy romantic type - at least I was until we lost our daughter - and then I lost my connection with that guy. I have worked hard to get back to that guy - so I am open to subtle goofy romantic ideas.

 

I'm the kind of guy who will pull over - cut some wildflowers - take them home and put them into a vase on the counter.

 

That's the guy she met and fell in love with and married - the guy who would do a lot of little things all of the time to let her know how much he cared for her and cherished her and I got away from that guy.

 

The ideas would still pop into my head - though with less frequency - but I would not follow through. I was always "too tired" or "too busy" or whatever.

 

I just stopped taking those little "extra steps" that really matter.

[GorillaTheater]

I should add that I am the goofy romantic type - at least I was until we lost our daughter - and then I lost my connection with that guy. I have worked hard to get back to that guy - so I am open to subtle goofy romantic ideas.

 

I'm the kind of guy who will pull over - cut some wildflowers - take them home and put them into a vase on the counter.

 

That's the guy she met and fell in love with and married - the guy who would do a lot of little things all of the time to let her know how much he cared for her and cherished her and I got away from that guy.

 

The ideas would still pop into my head - though with less frequency - but I would not follow through. I was always "too tired" or "too busy" or whatever.

 

I just stopped taking those little "extra steps" that really matter.

 

This is a great thing to recognize and repair, but you can't beat yourself up too much over it. Most of us long-time married types, men and women, go through this sort of thing. In the often mad rush of work, houses, bills, and activities, it's all too easy to let the little gestures slide. Then hopefully we do as you're doing, recognizing where we're falling short and getting back on track.

 

Unless you were an abusive jerk, which sure doesn't sound like the case, I don't think you can blame the demise of your marriage on this. I'm going to hazard a guess that your wife let those little gestures slide as well.

[Sharpie77]

This is a great thing to recognize and repair, but you can't beat yourself up too much over it. Most of us long-time married types, men and women, go through this sort of thing. In the often mad rush of work, houses, bills, and activities, it's all too easy to let the little gestures slide. Then hopefully we do as you're doing, recognizing where we're falling short and getting back on track.

 

Unless you were an abusive jerk, which sure doesn't sound like the case, I don't think you can blame the demise of your marriage on this. I'm going to hazard a guess that your wife let those little gestures slide as well.

 

She was the one for the longest time who tried to get me back on track. I don't know if she did it in the right way, however - it was always "I feel disconnected and you need to do something" conversations.

 

One of the last ones was that I needed to set up a date night - she went as far as finding a babysitter - I just needed to make the effort to plan something and I didn't do it - so that's on me - but she maybe didn't do enough to actively help us.

 

I know what she wanted was to see me making an effort. I think she felt she was committed and engaged and she worried I was not. I think she felt that it wasn't on her to make something happen - it was on me.

[BrokenJourney]

I feel for you. It sounds like you have some (fairly typical) problems endemic to a long-term relationship with the usual family stresses. Not to downplay it, because if you do stay together they'll need to be dealt with. But IMO first you have to get to a place where your wife agrees that she at least wants to try to stay together.

 

It sounds like her most acute hurt right now is coming from this idea that you can't bat down, a suspicion about you cheating.

 

Have you ever considered offering to take a lie detector test? Something to think about.

 

Good luck.

[Babs22]

I just keep looking for little things I can do to show that I care - because I feel like my hands are tied in regards to any "big" shows of caring.

 

For instance, she works late on Tuesday and Thursday nights. She is a hair stylist. I have to pass her salon on my way from work to daycare. I noticed yesterday that there was a large truck parked where she normally parks. We passed her salon again on the way home after I'd picked up her kids and I noticed that she'd parked on the far opposite side of the building so I ducked into the parking lot - hopped into her car - moved it to where she normally parks and then ran back to my car and drove home (the truck was gone). I sent her a text saying don't worry - your car wasn't stolen - just saw it on the way past and decided to move it for you. Her response via text was "Aww...thank you!"

 

When she got home last night - our son was still awake - in his bed - but awake. She went in to kiss him goodnight and on the way back to the living room she banged into something and he called out "are you okay?" and she said yeah and when I commented on it she said that "he's a considerate person just like his daddy".

 

It's just so tough because I want her to know that I care - that I'm here for her - but I don't know how to do it without seeming obvious.

 

We sat on the couch last night and watched the final two episodes of Grey's Anatomy - which she had taped. I never used to watch it with her but over the past several weeks I've been watching it with her. I know that one thing that used to make her sad was when we'd put the kids to bed and she'd stay up and I'd just go to bed - reading by myself or watching television by myself in the room - when all she wanted was to just spend that time together.

 

Anyway, we just sat on the couch last night and watched it together. It was nice - she seemed open and happy.

 

One of the themes of the episodes we watched was infidelity - and it was after watching an episode that dealt with the infidelity that she went off on me on Memorial Day. However, the final episode of the season had a theme of reconciliation - and about how you only get so much time on this earth - so put aside your differences and make it work. I might sound crazy but I felt like it was almost "speaking" to us. I wish I could have said the right thing - or anything.

 

I just feel like I sit around waiting for a sign to act and I worry that I'm either missing it or that I'm not being bold enough. Does she want me to do something?

 

I just know I love this woman more than I've loved anything in my life - more than I love myself. I still feel like we're not that far apart - yet we are - and I'd give up just about anything to find my way back into her heart.

 

Any subtle ways to let her know I "care" care?

 

Sharpie,

You sound like a great guy who is waking up to the fact that you had lost the goofy-romantic part of yourself somewhere along the way. That is half the battle. Your wife has definitely been missing that. She married a guy who took the time and energy in many little ways to let her know that she was loved and cherished. She has missed this and has let you know it. Frankly, I think if she just read what I put in bold from your post, it would go a long way to helping her feel that way again. Any guy who can say this about his wife, is a keeper. Perhaps you should let her read that post.

 

I can relate to her saying she feels disconnected. My friend and I both feel the same way about our marriages, only we both feel that we never had that. Our husbands were the analytical guys who never were "goofy romantic" types. I always wished my H was, but didn't think it was necessary. I have also felt very much disconnected from my husband. Unfortunately, I never said anything about it because I didn't feel like my H was even capable of being goofy or romantic. Then I met a guy who was a goofy romantic and I fell pretty hard. I can only attest that that quality in you is a big reason she fell in love with you and that it really is important to her when it was gone.

 

I can also say that if she asked you to plan a date night and she set up for the babysitter and you didn't follow through, to a woman this would hurt pretty badly. I can understand her giving up. I gave up on my marriage because I really didn't feel loved. If he loved me, he never told me and never showed me. Yes he went to work and provided for the family and maybe this is how a guy shows you he loves you, but that is not what a woman needs. A woman needs to be told and shown in a million little, tiny ways (wild flowers in a vase, moving her car for her) that we are important, that we are loved. We don't need expensive gifts (well most don't). You are on the right track, but you seem like you have lost your confidence. Maybe make some homemade cards and write down what is in your heart. You just said it in your last post. I would surprise her with a date night. You can arrange for everything, including the babysitter. It doesn't have to be expensive. Maybe something that you both enjoyed before you lost yourself. She married the goofy romantic, she knew she wanted that. You lost it along the way, maybe didn't think it mattered, maybe your heart was just broken from your loss and you couldn't find him for awhile. Take it from someone who finds herself in love with a goofy romantic and wishing I had picked that guy a long time ago. If I had married that guy and he stopped being that guy, I would be heartbroken as well. He's in there, you just need to follow your instincts and let that guy out again. I am rooting for you.