Guilt over kiss

[juli055]

Hi all,

 

So to put you in the picture: Me and my girlfriend have been dating off and on for basically 2 years and we took a year long break and got back together 2014. We don't see each other for 5 months at a time, sometimes after then we only see each other for a few days before other commitments come up. Work etc...

 

We had one relationship when she was studying on exchange, which we stopped. Then we restarted the relationship after a year without talking: things have been amazing. we're so close, so in love and we're planning on becoming close-distance next year and we're so much better now, more ready to be together than we were before. We were also both realistic about the challenges of long distance before starting, but we committed fully: and it's always been a struggle: depression, loneliness, jealousy over small things. But things have literally been getting better and better with this new relationship.

 

But, I did make one stupid mistake that I find it difficult to get to grips with.

 

Half way during the first 5 months apart (since starting again), I got really drunk, 12 hours of drinking with buddies, and close to the end of the night club a girl approached me and we kissed. It was 3 pecks on the lips in total. Then later another girl approached, and we kissed with 1 peck on the lips. Nothing else, the rest of the time it was just dancing casually, no touching, tongues, sexual advances, anything. It felt more friendly than sexual, and there's a lot I don't remember from that night, but I do remember those 2 events.

 

As soon as I woke up sober I freaked out and felt the worst guilt I've ever felt, I spent 2 months agonising over it; I told her pretty quickly and she was super understanding and gracious; she's really the logical one and I'm the emotive one. She wasn't so concerned because it was early in the new relationship, we're not married, and it was a drunken mistake, and I also promised to never go out and drink and dance with girls again. I've kept that promise.

 

But, I still have some issues in dealing with it:

 

a) When I was telling her, half way through she said she didn't want to know the details and that she forgives me anyway because she knows nothing sexual happened. But I often think to myself, if she knew all the details: heard it was 2 girls not one, 4 kisses total, not 1 -- would she still love and forgive me?

 

b) She was never really hurt by it, but I was. I was and still do feel bad about it. And I feel like I never got closure then. It's almost like it never happened for her, she doesn't care. And, she's affectionate and I trust her completely; for me, it's like I don't deserve this, I deserve to be punished.

 

c) I feel like I lost something now that night, purity, faithfulness. I wanted so badly to be completely faithful to her, I never knew I would do this, I never knew getting drunk would of led to this, I should have been smarter.

 

I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm tainted, less worthy, dirty. That the past has been somehow ruined even though it's 99.9% a story of our love and faithfulness to one another and caring actions for one another over a very long distance.

 

 

So it's been months, and everything is fine, we've seen each other since in person, had an amazing time. but inside, the guilt still bothered me.

 

Maybe you can offer your opinion and perspective on this? different ways of thinking about this?

[umirano]

Chill, man! You weren't even together. It doesn't matter whether it was one or one hundred innocent drunk kisses while freaking single.

 

There are people with real relationship problems :-) be happy you're not one of those and focus on making your rs go local successfully!

[LadyDeadpool]

You're being too hard on yourself. It was just a drunken kiss and she has already forgiven you for it. You have no intention of persuing these other girls so it's ok.

 

You attempted to be honest with your girlfriend and that is most important.

 

As drunken mistakes go, that wasn't the worse thing that could have happened, so my advice would be to try and forgive yourself like your girlfriend has. Don't think of it as a taint in your record, think of it as a learning experience. Your girlfriend seems secure enough in your relationship that she forgave you, so you have to just move on or it will eat you up.

 

Like I said, you made a mistake but then you owned up to it. Many guys wouldn't own up to it unless it involved sex, and even then others would have just kept it a secret. You have a good heart and morals, so accept her forgiveness and move on from this experience. You have nothing to feel dirty about.

[juli055]

Thanks for the replies; it makes me feel a bit better.

 

Though, sorry for the confusion: We were apart physically, but we were together in a relationship (2-3 months in) when this mistake happened.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Juli,

 

Are you a girl?

 

I often think to myself, if she knew all the details: heard it was 2 girls not one, 4 kisses total, not 1 -- would she still love and forgive me?

You are needlessly torturing yourself. She didn't want to know the details. She forgave you. Period.

 

She was never really hurt by it, but I was... I deserve to be punished.

Your girlfriend didn't want to get into details, because that probably would get on her nerves. She found a way to deal with it, the way that was best for her. If you love her, you welcome her way to deal with that incident. If you can't move on, you are being selfish, because you put your needs first (need to be punished). She probably thinks you already had your lesson. This guilt you feel already is your punishment. Now start moving on. The past is indeed the past.

 

I feel like I lost something now that night, purity, faithfulness. I wanted so badly to be completely faithful to her, I never knew I would do this, I never knew getting drunk would of led to this, I should have been smarter.

That's a way to justify yourself. Everyone knows that by getting drunk you are not in full control. So you did know. You decided to fit in with the group of people you were with. Now you know your weak point. Learn how to say no, even if your buddies are apparently coming up with a fun idea. That said, you can start your 100% faithfulness when you are physically together, when she moves near you, when visits will become regular, or when you give her a ring. You decide. Any time is good. You just start from that point, and the past is in the past.

[juli055]

No, I'm a guy.

 

Thanks for the kind words; I'd really love to hear from someone who failed how they moved on and left it behind, and how you should think and feel about it now. I wish I could just command myself to move on and it happen...

[aloneinaz]

You're WWAAYY over thinking this my friend. If anything, you're beating yourself up shows you have great character. You apologized to your girl, she accepted it and life is good.

 

 

What's left to worry about?