I am just not moving on (from anger) (divorce)

[jakrbbt]

I cannot get my ex out of my head and, therefore, my life.

 

He and I separated in Oct and divorced in Feb. We have a 2-yr-old. I've posted elsewhere that the worst thing in my divorce-- and in my life-- was my ex filing for sole custody.

 

I haven't gotten over that.

 

He was emotionally VERY difficult and oppressive during the marriage too, as well as exploitive. Everything I worked hard for, for years before I met him and right through the divorce, he threatened. My career, my health, my ability and right to parent my child-- I am a round-the-clock hard worker and have lived conscientiously. And I'm not even angry at him mostly-- but at myself.

 

To avoid the stress and pain of trial, I settled and am regretting the terms. Ex is not holding up his end of the bargain, and I knew he would/could not. But nor is it worth dragging us all into court again.

 

I am angry with what he did. Worse, I am angry with who he is. He is like a teenager (he's 41). He won't get a job that allows him to help support or spend his parenting-time with son. Does not see son as his financial responsibility. Whines about having to change poopy diapers, in manner of teenage boy. Won't pay for medical care, clothes, diapers, child care, although he theoretically is 50% joint-custody dad. Won't exercise his parenting time. Thinks everything is basically my responsibility

because I am a (struggling, public-interest) lawyer.

 

It's unfair because, per our divorce agreement, I can't claim our son as dependent on taxes this year, even though I'm the one taking full financial care of him and almost full physical care of him and he sleeps here all but a couple nights per month.

 

I also pay child and spousal support. In no way did ex qualify for spousal support, but I settled for it. I pay $132 in child support. On the one hand ex is hurting financially and I want to help him even more. On the other hand, it's really his own doing, and he could just apply for jobs he would not love and quit smoking multiple daily cigars and sleeping all the time.

 

And he keeps coming onto me and practically begging for sex, all the time, in a really immature way that isn't even attractive to me. That's the straw on the camel's back.

 

But the arrangement actually isn't horrible for me. I have my son 80 percent of the time. I have a flexible-hours job and pretty good career. I only pay $132 in supposed child support, $200/mo in spousal for one year. Trial would have cost more than the entire year's spousal support. I can afford it, barely I guess, and it helps out my son's dad. And we have a 50/50 parenting-time order that, if I needed to, I could "enforce" by telling my ex I'm just not available on his parenting days. I don't mind paying for my son's school. It's not fair, but I can do it, and he's my son so I'm happy to.

 

Yeah, it could be better and it would have been better if I'd gone to trial, but maybe I can do certain things to increase the quality and happiness of my and son's lives.

 

But then I get to feeling so angry. Ex sees son as a cash cow and possession more than a responsibility. He insists on son having ex's exact interests. He's a manipulator and short-term thinker. I hate that I had a kid with him. I hate that I made this mistake. But it's confusing because I love my son so much, and he (toddler) really is doing very well.

 

sorry for the long rant. All of which to say: Will this get any better? Can I move forward with my perhaps unfair, but still work-able, arrangement? Will the anger go away? How can I wash the feeling of ex out of my clothes????

 

I"m going to see a counselor on Thursday. But any perspectives, ppl who have been through the anger, will help.

Edited June 2, 2015 by jakrbbt

[StalwartMind]

It's difficult to not feel some kind of anger when you experience disappointment on a level such as this. There is every right to feel frustration when someone fails to deliver even a subpar set of standards and morality. Ultimately we can't control how others choose to act, or rather wonder why they are so set on honing inactivity that is to their own detriment.

 

Some of the things you write I've heard and seen before, to some degree I still do. Truthfully as a man, I'll admit that a lot of my fellow men tend to act like royal man-babies instead of taking action and do the "right" thing. In this case since he now has a son, he should be devoted to giving him the best possible life. You do not do that by forcing your own interest onto your child, that is robbing them of the opportunity to explore and feel confident in trying something alternative. I was blessed in that regard myself, but I know how devastating even in adulthood it can be when someone manipulate or indoctrinate your childhood.

 

I much understand you do not wish ill per say onto your ex, this I believe is a quality that you should keep intact, but at the same time if things ever come to it, you must always do things to ensure you and your child to not suffer worse. Some people will put up with a wrecked relationship, even to an ex for decades and it quite clearly takes it toll on them. I wouldn't like to see that not happen to more people, including you, even if it undoubtedly will on others that are currently unaware of it.

 

That he keeps coming on to you, yeah that one I've most certainly heard before, sort of like a further testament to how he isn't taking things that seriously, and possibly also one of the biggest turn off for a woman period.

 

Despite all you wrote and it making you wonder if it'll get better. The answer is both yes and no, it depends on you. Do you want things to get better? I assume your answer is yes. Now you actually need to start the process to get to that point and that is likely going to be a roller coaster experience too. You have to stand firm in your beliefs and goals, you can't let your ex indirectly or passively control/ruin your life. There may be times when you won't be left with much choice, for the sake of your son plus just not wanting your ex to be off worse. However no matter what difficult choices you may have to make, you should always believe in yourself and get things done to reach the goal you desire to achieve.

 

While easier said than done, don't be angry with yourself for much longer. Anger never leads to anything productive except temporary relief, but that is not something worth building your life on. Instead forgive yourself, we all make mistakes, there are people who have made much larger mistakes than you, but again this is not a contest and comparing the severity of things is pointless. Whatever your goals may be and what dreams fill your life with hope. Always look in that direction, forward, instead of dwelling on the past and what you could of done different. We don't get any do-overs in this life, at least as far as we are aware of. Whatever lies beyond this life is unknown to most of us. So focus on the present and build your future. Life is all too short to beat yourself up on mistakes you have done, hopefully with time you'll learn to embrace them, as they'll be come a part of the future new you that is going to rock.

 

Cheer up and use anything possible to help you move on, I hope that your counselor will aid you greatly too.

[jakrbbt]

Thank v you, Stalwart, you have already helped me and I've read your reply a few times. I keep thinking off what you say, "use anything possible to help you move on." So there is such a thing as moving on and having a future that isn't dominated by ex.

 

I'll start doing deliberate things to sort of forge a future for my independent, ex-free self, and for my son and me together. Usually I take myself out of little outings/hobbies. I'll say "that's a waste of time, it won't go how I expect." Well, I'll start doing some of that stuff anyway. Better to have failed projects and rainy beach excursions, than spend all my time and energy on my ex.

[amaysngrace]

He won't come see your son when he is suppose to? What a louse.

 

My ex use to do that too so I'd just make plans for my kids anyway. If there was a birthday I replied "yes" because I got tired of saying "no" because it was Dad's time and then he wouldn't show and my kids missed out.

 

Or if there was something good happening that day I'd buy tickets or make reservations or whatever I had to do to seal our spot even if it was Dad's time and it got to a point where it no longer mattered if he didn't show up for them.

 

I made memories and he missed out and my kids never knew he sucked at being a Dad because I was too busy enjoying being a Mom.