New here, LDR problems ~ high-maintenance bf!

[SeaShells]

Hello, I'm new here and happy to have found this support forum!

 

I am currently in a 4-year LDR with a man who was my childhood sweetheart. We broke up early 20's, went in different directions in life (marriage, kids, etc.) and have come back together. Both of us are getting our last teens out the door, have busy careers and are in our late-40's. We see each other once every 6 weeks, or so, going on vacations, sharing a weekend together in the city, etc. Talk almost everyday on the phone and e-mail. But, trouble is brewing. . ..

 

I am educated in healthcare/psychology/adolescence, etc. He is of the engineering type. I'm 'deep' and need quiet, space, and not alot of chaos in my life. He's a type-A, an oaf (at times, poor guy!), always doingdoingdoing, and is rather high-maintenance. I LIKE the 800 miles between us! Our relationship was HOT and exciting in the beginning years, when we saw each other every few months. Knowing relationship development stages, I knew this would wain, as the limerance period always declines. Life has taken over, reality has set in .. . for me. .. and I'm dealing with family and work issues, a 'mid-life re-evaluation' and perimenopause. I feel I want to slow down the intensity of this relationship, and always explain to him my feelings along the way.

 

He, on the other hand, can't understand why I'm not still HOT and crazy for him, like we were in the beginning. I feel he is very needy ~ he HAS to talk on the phone at least 2 times per day, and if he can't 'find' me, he thinks something happened and freaks out. I've explained my level of stress and my priorities around my kids, but he thinks he should be on top. He feels I don't tell him I love him enough and don't give him the attention as I did in the beginning. This is true, as I feel I've grown into a stage of deeper love for him, a place of safety and . . . what I thought was an understanding of our life phases and patience. But, it seems the more I DON'T give him attention, phone calls, e-cards, hallmark cards, iloveyou's. . . the more he pushes me and demands that I pay attention to him.

 

I am beginning . . . wait, I DO feel smothered. I'm backing away the more he pushes me. I've told him this, and he blames me for the relationship not being what it used to be. I committed myself to this relationship last year, agreeing that someday I would move closer to him and we would be nearer to one another (at which time he wants to get married, an idea that I am not agreeing to). Now, he's holding it over my head that I 'committed' and what the hell am I doing backing away, and I never tell him I love him anymore (which, of course, I do, but not in the way I think he is needing). I swear, he will even call me after a night with the boys, after a few beers, and cries about how much he loves me and if he ever lost me he'd just die. I hate to say it, but I roll my eyes at this! I'm not poking fun, nor discounting his feelings, but c'mon! It feels as though he is so much less mature than I, a feeling I've picked up during the last few years. . .. and it makes it difficult for us to communicate at times.

 

I is VERY high maintenance and I'm just about ready to scream. Here I am, 800 miles away in a demanding job, stressful events going on, re-evaluating my life at nearly 50years old, and he's crying in his beer. We go to Europe in a couple of weeks, and I'm afraid we're going to spend time in conflict. . . ruining our trip. It's not the first time it's happened. He throws little tantrums if things don't go his way.

 

HELP. Your thoughts, your insight, experiences. .. would be helpful. I sometimes think I know it all, of course, but I don't, and am trying to make some sense of my life and figure out what to do about this important facet of my life. Yes, I love him and he's very important to me and I'd like to be able to maintain some sort of relationship. . . but, it's so exhausting!!!

 

Thanks, in advance. . .

[SeaShells]

Didn't realize this was so long. . . sorry!

[scammy]

Originally posted by SeaShells

Hello, I'm new here and happy to have found this support forum!

 

I am currently in a 4-year LDR with a man who was my childhood sweetheart. We broke up early 20's, went in different directions in life (marriage, kids, etc.) and have come back together. Both of us are getting our last teens out the door, have busy careers and are in our late-40's. We see each other once every 6 weeks, or so, going on vacations, sharing a weekend together in the city, etc. Talk almost everyday on the phone and e-mail. But, trouble is brewing. . ..

 

I am educated in healthcare/psychology/adolescence, etc. He is of the engineering type. I'm 'deep' and need quiet, space, and not alot of chaos in my life. He's a type-A, an oaf (at times, poor guy!), always doingdoingdoing, and is rather high-maintenance. I LIKE the 800 miles between us! Our relationship was HOT and exciting in the beginning years, when we saw each other every few months. Knowing relationship development stages, I knew this would wain, as the limerance period always declines. Life has taken over, reality has set in .. . for me. .. and I'm dealing with family and work issues, a 'mid-life re-evaluation' and perimenopause. I feel I want to slow down the intensity of this relationship, and always explain to him my feelings along the way.

 

He, on the other hand, can't understand why I'm not still HOT and crazy for him, like we were in the beginning. I feel he is very needy ~ he HAS to talk on the phone at least 2 times per day, and if he can't 'find' me, he thinks something happened and freaks out. I've explained my level of stress and my priorities around my kids, but he thinks he should be on top. He feels I don't tell him I love him enough and don't give him the attention as I did in the beginning. This is true, as I feel I've grown into a stage of deeper love for him, a place of safety and . . . what I thought was an understanding of our life phases and patience. But, it seems the more I DON'T give him attention, phone calls, e-cards, hallmark cards, iloveyou's. . . the more he pushes me and demands that I pay attention to him.

 

I am beginning . . . wait, I DO feel smothered. I'm backing away the more he pushes me. I've told him this, and he blames me for the relationship not being what it used to be. I committed myself to this relationship last year, agreeing that someday I would move closer to him and we would be nearer to one another (at which time he wants to get married, an idea that I am not agreeing to). Now, he's holding it over my head that I 'committed' and what the hell am I doing backing away, and I never tell him I love him anymore (which, of course, I do, but not in the way I think he is needing). I swear, he will even call me after a night with the boys, after a few beers, and cries about how much he loves me and if he ever lost me he'd just die. I hate to say it, but I roll my eyes at this! I'm not poking fun, nor discounting his feelings, but c'mon! It feels as though he is so much less mature than I, a feeling I've picked up during the last few years. . .. and it makes it difficult for us to communicate at times.

 

I is VERY high maintenance and I'm just about ready to scream. Here I am, 800 miles away in a demanding job, stressful events going on, re-evaluating my life at nearly 50years old, and he's crying in his beer. We go to Europe in a couple of weeks, and I'm afraid we're going to spend time in conflict. . . ruining our trip. It's not the first time it's happened. He throws little tantrums if things don't go his way.

 

HELP. Your thoughts, your insight, experiences. .. would be helpful. I sometimes think I know it all, of course, but I don't, and am trying to make some sense of my life and figure out what to do about this important facet of my life. Yes, I love him and he's very important to me and I'd like to be able to maintain some sort of relationship. . . but, it's so exhausting!!!

 

Thanks, in advance. . .

[Merin]

Sounds to me that you've outgrown the relationship..

 

While you would like to maintain a *Friendship* with this Guy I think you already know the drama thats going to unfold in telling him this news... and it seems you don't want to deal with it (not that I blame you)

 

However... probably really is time to have a chat here with this guy... 4 years of a LDR is IMO to long... you're not wanting marriage, you've already said you prefer the 800 mile distance... so seriously let him know whats up and don't let him guilt you into staying in the type of relationship that you know isn't meeting your needs any longer.

 

Good Luck

[scammy]

[i never tell him I love him anymore (which, of course, I do, but not in the way I think he is needing). I swear, he will even call me after a night with the boys, after a few beers, and cries about how much he loves me and if he ever lost me he'd just die. I hate to say it, but I roll my eyes at this! I'm not poking fun, nor discounting his feelings, but c'mon! It feels as though he is so much less mature than I, ]

 

 

 

It has nothing to do with his maturity he is wanting more from you and you can not give it. I know it is so hard to walk away from something that you are so commited to. I am looking at this from both sides yours and his. You can not change him and what he really wants and that is to marry you. I think you should break up with him and let him look around for someone else.Nothing is worse than waking up everyday alone if you don't WANT to wake up alone. He may say he would die if he lost you but I highly doubt that. The guilt trip is wrong on his part if he was common sense smart which he isn't (I am an engineering student I know lol) he would break it off with you and resume dating, But he is not going to make it that easy on you. He is going to be the martyr... ...been there done that and still doing it now. My situation is the complete opposite of yours I am him. The question is if you met the absolutly most awesome guy tommorow, with handsome,brains,money and in the same zip code would you feel the same way about him? Is this connection really a spiritul connection or just the path of least resistance? For some people the choice to be alone just plain sucks... me included. Put the guy out of his misery one way or another

[SeaShells]

. .. I think you've hit the nail on the head, ladies, however difficult it may be for me to see it . .. uh,er, ADMIT it. It's REALLY taxing on me, and at the same time, I don't want to loose the friendship and connection we do have. It's become a constant battle between us. . .

 

We are so entangled (in positive ways): we own a condo together, share friends and family from way far back in time. BUT, you've made a good point: he's 'guild-trip'ing me and playing the maytyr. AHHHHHHHHHHGGHHH, I hate that ~ it's my MOTHER all over again!!!

 

Geeez . .. I'm glad I found this site. Thanks, ladies!

[Sweets1919]

Hi Seashells,

 

Please check out my post in this forum (Sweets1919) regarding expecting a phone call.

 

I read your post and it is similar to mine except in my case I want more than my bf gives sometimes. He does have some very caring qualities.....he is tender and thoughtful, cares about me and is generous. He invites me out with his friends and comes out to meet mine. he has had roses delivered to me on special occasions and just to cheer me up. This past two weeks he has been gone I heard from him the first 10 days and now since last Thursday it has been more sporadic. he works 7am-7pm, has to get up at 6am and does hard physical labour all day. He is in the middle of nowhere and sometimes has to take his truck 15 min away from camp to get cell reception.

 

It's not like I havent' heard from him in two weeks...it's since Saturday night. Am I being High Maintenance in your opinion to expect a daily call? I want him to call me b/c he wants to not b/c he feels obligated or b/c he thinks I'll get mad if he doesn't. Every person who has replied to me has told me he is not that into me and to look for someone else. How in some cases (like yours where you are in fact busy and used to the fact that you are LD) is it normal to not want to give the partner the 2 phone calls a day that he wants....but in my case people tell me I'm not getting what I deserve and that what I want is normal??

 

thanks for any input

 

Sweets1919

[scammy]

My boyfriend is doing his internship and has same kind of schedule as yours.Before my BF left he explained to me that he may not call for two days at a time..

 

I am "ok" with that especially if he is in a bad mood which if you look at my first post ...its what brought me here. You know sometimes I wish he would call but...

 

I really have been filling my life with things that I like to do like.

 

Writing a TO DO list is what I will do tonight.

I of course am quitting my job moving to my states capital and attending the university full time maybe??? depends on $$$.

 

 

ANYWAYS what I am trying to say is fill yourself up with friends and activities that you enjoy. If you really expect a call every night well its just like the high maintenance boyfriend you are going to be miserable. I did read your post somewhat. I can only tell you this sometimes my BF does not call for a few days.

 

When you get a call does he [talk to you?] or does he simply go through the motions to keep you appeased?

 

My BF has been gone only 2 1/2 weeks I was getting mixed messages.

I am lazy I would not drive to get cell reception if I work 12 hours I would want a beer, some food and TV if I was a guy.

 

I am probably going to get hammered by any males that read this but men are really simple or most of them....

They are motivated by there Id

[Check out Sigmund Freud and his three structures of personality] I am not saying all men are like that but....

I may have a heuristic approach to how I deal with men but It's all I have come up with in 37 yrs????

I am not saying that your BF does not care about you.. I have just noticed a pattern in my own life and from reading about others online.

 

 

I mean I have been doing some reading on research on male - female relationships. Everything has changed and personally girls it is becoming more difficult for us. Marriage is hard especially if both parties are looking for each other to fulfill there needs, allot of the time these issues stem from what went on in there childhood.

 

Social acceptance of unmarried couple living together, pre martial sex, woman becoming more sexually open...

all have thrown the last few generations into a sea of

unanswered question, moral dilemmas and finally power struggles between genders. agggh!

 

I read a post on here that really got me thinking [oh no] A woman in Texas who's BF let her move in with him but wanted her to move out...

back to the ghetto in 3 months.

What the hell! He was mad she was going back to her home town across the country.

Bf and I have had constant debates on this gender roles stuff he seems to think men have it bad because they have to do the pursuing. I give him kudos on that. So blah blah I just went on some tangent.

 

Get a hobby this summer, join a class at the community school,

painting dancing something ...don't wait for this guy.

I am having a hard time also..

my BF's B-day is tomorrow and I miss him so much but...

I have two books I am reading.. I just finished a landscape sketch last night.. and I am working on learning another software program. Not to mention I am torturing everyone here lol....

Fill up your life where he is missing.