Picking myself up off the floor...

June 3, 2015

And this is the first step. Putting “pen to paper” so to speak is incredibly difficult as once that is done, it’s out there, it’s real.

I married my husband on 30 April 2005, I was 35 soon to be 36 and he was three years my senior. I am turning 46 on Sunday and my marriage is over, we are getting divorced.

He came into the marriage with a daughter who had just a few days prior to our wedding tuned 4. She was the product of an ex-girlfriend who did the “accidentally on purpose” thing. His ex-GF was and remains a terribly destructive and poisoness person. She did everything in her power to alienate the child from my husband and from me. My husband has throughout our marriage managed to maintain a relationship and visitation with his daughter despite her mother’s attempts at keeping them apart. I on the other hand was side-lined and felt alienated from his daughter, from “his family”. I never interfered in their time together and encouraged their relationship 100%. But at the same time, I felt set aside.

You see, he objectified his daughter into a symbol of fear. She is my monster, the one I am scared of, the one who hides under my bed at night."

I have come to realise that the sorry state of affairs between his daughter and I, which have had such a negative effect on the marriage, are not entirely a creation of my own.

Alienation does not just happen to children, it can happen to anyone. And yes, I feel like a “victim” of alienation. I don’t think I even knew what was happening to me at the time, all I knew is that I had such negative feelings towards his daughter and blamed myself, beat myself up, felt an immense sense of guilt and for the life of me I could not put my finger on where these feelings were coming from. I eventually decided, with my husband’s blessing, that I am just a horrible person – the epitome of “the evil step-mom”, and most certainly not worthy of having a biological child of my own.

I had such self-loathing that it filtered into everything in my life. I began to act-out, drink too much, smoke too much, put on weight, and generally not take care of myself. I felt a constant physical pain in my chest, a sense of pressure, heaviness, as I tried to wrestle this demon that had taken a hold of me.

I sought therapy (for the second time), on my own, believing that it has to be me who is wrong, I mean, I thought my husband was perfect, I really did. I begged him to join, I needed support, I wanted help and he point blank refused reinforcing the fact that he is indeed perfection personified. He even put a limit on the number of sessions I was permitted to attend. So, little help that did.

At times I would look at myself in the mirror or at my reflection in a window and did not recognize the person who was staring back at me. Someone in my family passed a comment to me one day which cut me so deeply but at the same time was a huge wake-up call. It was my brother-in-law to be exact; he passed a comment on how much weight I had put on. Yep, I had put on 33 pounds.

That was a defining moment for me – “I’ll show you!” I thought and in that instant, I made some decisions. I started going to gym, had a full check-up with the doc, changed my eating (and drinking) habits, got into tip-top shape. I was in such good shape that I started participating in Triathlons. I looked and felt awesome.

And then BAM! Another argument, another threat, another ransom demand that if I do not love his daughter, the marriage is not worth continuing. Aaaand the slippery slope down-hill started again.

Why could I not love this child? What is wrong with me? I must be an evil, horrid, human being.

Now during this entire time, in fact from the moment his ex-GF discovered that I was in my husband’s life, the ex-GF mother was there, cheering the child on into hating me, disrespecting me, alienating her from me. And what did my husband? Nothing! I was heart-broken. In fact, I think that I am still heart-broken.

It has finally occurred to me what has happened. His ex-GF has done a fantastic job of alienating her daughter from me, whilst my husband has done a fantastic job of alienating me from his daughter. How could I let this happen? I am an adult aren’t I?

Well, the truth of the matter is that I did not understand what was happening. It’s only now, when I look back that I realise that the constant threats against me using his daughter as his pawn, and the constant abuse from his ex-GF that I have endured over the past ten years, has slowly, but most assuredly, chipped away at any potential of this child and I having a loving bond. She is an object of fear.

It didn’t occur to me when I entered this marriage that there was even a remote possibility that this beautiful little girl and I would not have a bond. I was full of hope, full of love, and willing to do anything to make it work. I ignored the ex-GF’s constant harassment for the longest time, I ignored the little girl’s nastiness towards me for the longest time and I ignored my husband’s ignorance of what was actually happening for the longest time – until..... one fine day...... I finally exploded.

When I asked for his help, begged for support, pleading in my hysteria, I was met with threats. My reaction to his non-support was so intense that I slapped him (this was about 9 years ago). I was banished from my home and sent for to stay with my sister for a "time-out".

I went for anger management counselling (that was the first time I went for therapy – on my own) have been taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds since. It has never happened again. Thank God! I scared myself.

But nothing changed. I mean, yes I was undergoing changes, thanks to the meds and some hard-hitting home truths, but my husband did not adjust his behaviour. If anything it escalated.

And here I am, 10 years down the line, finally understanding what happened. Alienation. I feel like I was the only one who was actually making an effort into trying to make this work.

Finally, in October last year, my husband agreed to couples therapy.

I broke down.... I had so much inside me it just started to come out. I think my husband was taken by complete surprise. For once.... FOR ONCE.... he actually had to sit and listen to what I had to say.

He was cold, factual, entered the session like it was a court room.... the attitude... I'm going to state my case and it is up to you dear therapist to give us a verdict..... She actually said "this is not a court room." She asked him, "Can you see how much pain your wife is in? Does it not bother you? And he went off about we are all trying to "help" DinnerForOne, she’s unstable and on medication. How he doesn't know what more he can do to "help" me. I feel things too deeply and it's not normal. Blah Blah bloody blah.

(You with me here..... does the term gaslighting come to anyone’s mind.)

She said, "You make it sound like your wife has some emotional deficit, she has some valid points and her feelings ARE valid as are yours.”

We left the session, I was in tears and he decided to spend the evening with his friends at the pub.

We didn’t go back to therapy until......

In January he came to me and told me that he has something important to tell me and he really needs my support with it. And then he breaks the news....... Around August/September (I don’t know exactly because he won’t tell me) last year, a girlfriend that he had before his daughter’s mother made contact with him and told him that he is the father of her child.

Well I had a meltdown.....completely. All I could see were flashbacks of what I had been going through with his current daughter and her mother.... this was now amplified, doubled. And what upset me the most was not “the news”, but how he had handled the situation.He sat there in our counselling session, KNOWING about this gigantic “secret” and did not bother to tell me about it in a “safe” forum. Instead, he sat there making out as if I have some mental illness. The “mental illness” I have is called a 6th sense.

Another reason for my meltdown is that I gave up on the idea of having a child to call “ours”, a child of mine by birth, becoming a mother. He did not want one with me. I supported him in that too. I never had an oopsie, I was responsible, did not trick him, was not underhanded. I respected him and his decision.

To cut a long story short, the paternity test was done and I received this text from him:

“Got paternity test back. Positive match 99.9993%. Bit of a thing to digest as you can imagine. Am meeting guys at the pub for a swift half.”

When he got the confirmation of the paternity test his first thought was hanging out with his friends and not his wife. I read his text message and I could literally feel the blood drain out of my face. He left me alone to digest the news whilst he was out at the pub.

His behaviour was disturbing. He should have been royally kissing my butt and doing everything in his power to make me feel loved, appreciated and wanting to stick around. This was a HUGE wrench he just threw into my life and he acted like it had no affect on me.

The fact that he has denied me the chance to be a mom and he wants me to be all supportive of his lust nuggets with other women has reached a tipping point. I have been supportive, in spite of everything, but I do not get any reciprocity. Instead I was punished and alienated. Is it any wonder I feel bitter?

I felt that every day I stayed, was another day that I was being punished for HIS mistakes.

We agreed to go to couple’s therapy again... but with a different counsellor.

I attended our first therapy session on my own as my husband was “too busy” to join me. The therapist we had now engaged with was someone that my husband had previously seen on his own when he found out about his “new” 14-year-old daughter.

That evening I told my husband that I am willing to open my heart and home to his daughter. She is the ultimate victim of this circumstance and my heart breaks for her. I cannot imagine thinking someone was my father and then suddenly finding out he is not. I suggested that he see her alone a couple of times before introducing her to me and when the time is right, out of respect for me, I would like to get the chance to meet her and to get to know her a little before she is introduced to the extended family, more specifically his other daughter and mother.

I then told him that I have not given up on the marriage just yet and that I want to engage in couples counselling on a more formal basis, not just when a crisis arises. I asked him if he would be willing to set up an appointment for the two of us again. It was scheduled for the following Thursday...........and then it all started to crumble.

I discovered that my husband’s mother was now besties with his new daughter’s mother. They had already met for coffee and resumed their friendship. She had already met the “new” daughter.

And how did I find out about this? Yes, he saw his ex-GF2 when she collected the “new” daughter from horse riding. He had started leaving work early every Friday to go and watch her do horse riding. Which means ex-GF2 (who I KNOW is dying to get back with my husband) and my husband get together and chat.

Don’t get me wrong, I encouraged my husband to build a relationship/friendship with his daughter for a while before introducing her to everyone else. I am happy that he really took and interest in her. I was not happy that he was engaging with his ex.

And then it happened.......

He called me around 17h00 to say that his mates had invited him to the pub, can he go? So I said it's fine.... I mean what was I supposed to say - No? He's an adult and can make decisions for himself, he does not need my permission. It is up to him to evaluate whether the decisions he makes are in the best interest of this incredibly fragile marriage or not. He said he wouldn't be long.

He arrived home at 20h45 and no, I was not waiting here with open arms..... like I've always done. I was angry and felt let down again. He kind of mentioned something about me placing a curfew on him.... not even the issue.

The issue is for the 100th time he told me he wouldn't be long and he was. I cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth. THIS last action on his behalf was the proverbial "final straw".

We argued for a bit and then I said it, "I want a divorce, I no longer wish to be married to you. I'm dead serious, I've had enough. I don't care what happens to me financially but I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees like I have been doing for the past decade."

So there we have it - said, done - One cannot un-ring a bell.

I was just so sick of my husband going out on his own, arriving home drunk several times a month. The last time I was out with him (and his mate) was New Year's Eve. The last time we were out as a couple was in November 2014. Yet - after I have told him how neglected I feel....after all that has happened over the past 6 weeks.......... he chose to go out again.... without me.

He was going out at least twice a week with his mates and then every weekend was either of his daughter’s, he simply did not have space for me.

So he said, "oh, does that mean he must cancel the counselling session for Thursday?”

We kept our counselling appointment for Thursday and I told the therapist that I had asked for a divorce. I explained to the counsellor that I have just enough left in me to go through this one last pain (the hurt of divorce) than to endure constant pain and anguish over my husband's complete lack of empathy or emotion towards me.

The counsellor asked me to please please just try... a little bit longer. He stated that I am clinically depressed and he is really worried about me. He told my husband that if he wants to hold onto me, he's really got to step up and that I need him now more than ever. I cried from start to finish.... and all the way home.

I really tried, things got worse, my husband was colder and more distant than ever.

Then we went on a 13 day sailing trip with 5 other people and things really started looking up. He started “dating” me again. There was so much hope.

In the meantime I discovered that his mother went behind my husband’s back and in co hoots with ex-GF2 and introduced the two daughters to each other.

When the news about the “new” daughter came about, my husband and I discussed giving me an opportunity to meet her and get to know her a little BEFORE introducing her to his mother and other daughter, a fact his mother was fully aware of. She then took it upon herself to meet the “new” daughter behind his back. Okay, fine, she was moving to England and was short of time so I let it go. Then..............she takes it upon herself to introduce the two girls to each other. When I found out she had done this, I was livid.

Curiously, you know what made me angrier? The fact that it didn't bother my husband in the least. Why did that bother me so? I even discussed it in our next therapy session wanting to know what was wrong with me, if my husband could just let it go, why couldn’t I? My husband made some stupid excuse for his mother but all in all it was a really good therapy session and my husband re-affirmed his commitment to the marriage.

Our 10th wedding anniversary was on 30th April, I was so excited! We made it!

All through our Anniversary dinner, his ex-GF1 was texting and his daughter was calling. Yes, he plonked his phone on the middle of the dinner table during what was supposed to be a very special evening only to be distracted by his ex-GF and his daughter.

A couple of days later I found out that he KNEW all about his mother introducing the two girls to each other. I am not sure if he was in on it, but he KNEW and LIED about it to me. He sat there in our last therapy session, knowingly deceiving not only me, but the therapist too!

I also discovered he has not been transparent regarding finances.... found a big lump sum had been paid to him..... did he let me know? Noooooooo...........

How many times has he lied and/or deceived me? I always thought him to be respectable, honest and honourable; that's what has kept me here for so long.... I was so disappointed.

He then told me that it’s over, he is going to see an atty to file for divorce. We slept separately from that day on. A couple of days later I received a text saying he is “temporarily” moving out. He only “moved out” for a Friday and Saturday night.

A week or two later, I was doing laundry and went to fetch the laundry out of his basket, emptied the pockets as usual and came across a receipt from a hotel. I noticed the date on the receipt was for the Friday and Saturday night he “temporarily moved out”. Something just told me to check on the charges as a) the hotel is on ex-GF2’s doorstep and b) I just had a “feeling”.

The receipt was for R1498.00 being R749 per night. I went onto the website and discovered the charges for a single room is R649 per night. The charges for a double room are R769 per night. So I called up the hotel and asked what a charge of R749 per night would be for.

A Single room 2 people sharing............

As if that wasn’t enough. I notice a lot of sperm stains on the underwear he put in the laundry basket from THAT weekend.

What am I SUPPOSED to think?

He denies that there has been or is someone else. We have been in NC since I confronted him about it a week ago. He has also partially moved out.

Edited June 3, 2015 by DinnerForOne
Consolidating

June 3, 2015

My story is so long, that I have broken it down into instalments. This is instalment 2.

In January he came to me and told me that he has something important to tell me and he really needs my support with it. And then he breaks the news....... Around August/September (I don’t know exactly because he won’t tell me) last year, a girlfriend that he had before his daughter’s mother made contact with him and told him that he is the father of her child.

Well I had a meltdown.....completely. All I could see were flashbacks of what I had been going through with his current daughter and her mother.... this was now amplified, doubled. And what upset me the most was not “the news”, but how he had handled the situation.

He sat there in our counselling session, KNOWING about this gigantic “secret” and did not bother to tell me about it in a “safe” forum. Instead, he sat there making out as if I have some mental illness. The “mental illness” I have is called a 6th sense. I had had a gut feeling for several months that something was up.

Another reason for my meltdown is that I gave up on the idea of having a child to call “ours”, a child of mine by birth, becoming a mother. He did not want one with me. I supported him in that too. I never had an oopsie, I was responsible, did not trick him, was not underhanded. I respected him and his decision.

To cut a long story short, the paternity test was done and I received this text from him:

“Got paternity test back. Positive match 99.9993%. Bit of a thing to digest as you can imagine. Am meeting guys at the pub for a swift half.”

When he got the confirmation of the paternity test his first thought was hanging out with his friends and not his wife. I read his text message and I could literally feel the blood drain out of my face. He left me alone to digest the news whilst he was out at the pub.

His behaviour was disturbing. He should have been royally kissing my butt and doing everything in his power to make me feel loved, appreciated and wanting to stick around. This was a HUGE wrench he just threw into my life and he acted like it had no affect on me.

The fact that he has denied me the chance to be a mom and he wants me to be all supportive of his lust nuggets with other women reached a tipping point. I had been supportive, in spite of everything, but I did not get any reciprocity. Instead I was punished and alienated. Is it any wonder I felt bitter?

I felt that every day I stayed, was another day that I was being punished for HIS mistakes.

We agreed to go to couple’s therapy again... but with a different counsellor.

June 3, 2015

....my marriage is over, we are getting divorced.

This is the most important thing you need to focus on.

I realise writing all of this out is a cathartic exercise, but your main focus now must be you, and only you.

You have been shown in more ways than anyone should tolerate, what a narcissistic man your husband is. He is entirely self-centred.

So you cannot expect any support, understanding or affection from him.

You have to look to yourself, get all the support you can both professionally and among your peers, friends, family and loved ones.

And abandon any hope of a better past.

June 3, 2015

I attended our first therapy session on my own as my husband was “too busy” to join me. The therapist we had now engaged with was someone that my husband had previously seen on his own when he found out about his “new” 14-year-old daughter.

That evening I told my husband that I am willing to open my heart and home to his daughter. She is the ultimate victim of this circumstance and my heart breaks for her. I cannot imagine thinking someone was my father and then suddenly finding out he is not. I suggested that he see her alone a couple of times before introducing her to me and when the time is right, out of respect for me, I would like to get the chance to meet her and to get to know her a little before she is introduced to the extended family, more specifically his other daughter and mother.

I then told him that I have not given up on the marriage just yet and that I want to engage in couples counselling on a more formal basis, not just when a crisis arises. I asked him if he would be willing to set up an appointment for the two of us again. It was scheduled for the following Thursday...........and then it all started to crumble.

I discovered that my husband’s mother was now besties with his new daughter’s mother. They had already met for coffee and resumed their friendship. She had already met the “new” daughter.

And how did I find out about this? Yes, he saw his ex-GF2 when she collected the “new” daughter from horse riding. He had started leaving work early every Friday to go and watch her do horse riding. Which means ex-GF2 (who I KNOW is dying to get back with my husband) and my husband get together and chat.

Don’t get me wrong, I encouraged my husband to build a relationship/friendship with his daughter for a while before introducing her to everyone else. I am happy that he really took and interest in her. I was not happy that he was engaging with his ex.

And then it happened.......

He called me around 17h00 to say that his mates had invited him to the pub, can he go? So I said it's fine.... I mean what was I supposed to say - No? He's an adult and can make decisions for himself, he does not need my permission. It is up to him to evaluate whether the decisions he makes are in the best interest of this incredibly fragile marriage or not. He said he wouldn't be long.

He arrived home at 20h45 and no, I was not waiting here with open arms..... like I've always done. I was angry and felt let down again. He kind of mentioned something about me placing a curfew on him.... not even the issue. The issue is for the 100th time he told me he wouldn't be long and he was. I cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth. THIS last action on his behalf was the proverbial "final straw".

We argued for a bit and then I said it, "I want a divorce, I no longer wish to be married to you. I'm dead serious, I've had enough. I don't care what happens to me financially but I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees like I have been doing for the past decade."

So there we have it - said, done - One cannot un-ring a bell.

I was just so sick of my husband going out on his own, arriving home drunk several times a month. The last time I was out with him (and his mate) was New Year's Eve. The last time we were out as a couple was in November 2014. Yet - after I have told him how neglected I feel....after all that has happened over the past 6 weeks.......... he chose to go out again.... without me.

He was going out at least twice a week with his mates and then every weekend was either of his daughter’s, he simply did not have space for me.

So he said, "oh, does that mean he must cancel the counselling session for Thursday?”

June 3, 2015