Friends behind my back

[maya70]

Some time has passed and we’ve had MC 3 times now and I have no idea where this is leading. I feel like we are in the middle of an experiment and it is surrealistic what we are going through (there are tons of other issues in our lives as well but I spare them for later). I’ve also had IC for the past months which has been very valuable to me and giving a chance to talk things through without being interrupted. And I’ve read Glass: Just friends, thanks for the tip and a lot of other stuff, trying to reach beyond discussion groups, no offense

 

Actually I’ve done a lot of work by myself during the past 5 months and I have really been trying to see things from different sides and talk about the situation in an ”adult” way. My H is way behind and I must admit I feel sorry for him, he seems so lost. At MC we talk about our different personalities and how we can deal with that. At the moment I’ve got a hang-up on how to allow each other ”private spheres”, trying to captures alternatives.

 

My thought is that: if I accept him to continue his friendship with this woman, how will our life as married continue. Will he be happier bringing good stuff to our marriage making me happier? Or is it going towards parallell life where neither share what we are doing?

 

I think that the first option could work if he shares their friendship with me and makes me comfortable with it, that is being honest, not claiming what they have is all ”private”, meaning not for my eyes. At the moment we are not there at all. He told me his ipad pwd the other day (which I already knew of course, he’s been changing everytime he knows that I know) but he is deleting their messages as soon as he can which to me means that he is not ready to share. I think he is protecting her from being exposed, not me for being hurt. To me this behavior creates more suspicion and I don't feel like sharing what I do and to whom I talk to either. This means that we are heading for option 2: drifting apart. But how long can it take for us to be comfortable with the situation? Can I ever trust him? Will I continue to be this jealous, controlling bitch that I have turned into?

[Lois_Griffin]

I think he is protecting her from being exposed, not me for being hurt.

It's neither.

 

He's protecting his OWN ass from being dragged into divorce court.

 

Seriously. You're so far in denial that you're actually making excuses for him.

 

You need to take off the rose colored glasses. You're a cheating spouse's dream - he's having an affair right under your nose and you're so passive and in denial about it that the two of them are probably shaking their heads that it's JUST this easy for them.

[shermanator]

Some time has passed and we’ve had MC 3 times now and I have no idea where this is leading. I feel like we are in the middle of an experiment and it is surrealistic what we are going through (there are tons of other issues in our lives as well but I spare them for later). I’ve also had IC for the past months which has been very valuable to me and giving a chance to talk things through without being interrupted. And I’ve read Glass: Just friends, thanks for the tip and a lot of other stuff, trying to reach beyond discussion groups, no offense

 

Actually I’ve done a lot of work by myself during the past 5 months and I have really been trying to see things from different sides and talk about the situation in an ”adult” way. My H is way behind and I must admit I feel sorry for him, he seems so lost. At MC we talk about our different personalities and how we can deal with that. At the moment I’ve got a hang-up on how to allow each other ”private spheres”, trying to captures alternatives.

 

My thought is that: if I accept him to continue his friendship with this woman, how will our life as married continue. Will he be happier bringing good stuff to our marriage making me happier? Or is it going towards parallell life where neither share what we are doing?

 

I think that the first option could work if he shares their friendship with me and makes me comfortable with it, that is being honest, not claiming what they have is all ”private”, meaning not for my eyes. At the moment we are not there at all. He told me his ipad pwd the other day (which I already knew of course, he’s been changing everytime he knows that I know) but he is deleting their messages as soon as he can which to me means that he is not ready to share. I think he is protecting her from being exposed, not me for being hurt. To me this behavior creates more suspicion and I don't feel like sharing what I do and to whom I talk to either. This means that we are heading for option 2: drifting apart. But how long can it take for us to be comfortable with the situation? Can I ever trust him? Will I continue to be this jealous, controlling bitch that I have turned into?

 

As an xWS, maybe it's not my place to comment, but his behavior still isn't open and caring and transparent. If he's deleting her messages, keeping things from you, he's still not showing you the proper amount of respect.

 

Maybe he doesn't trust how you'll react? Maybe he has stronger feelings about this woman than he's letting on? Either way, it's not the open, caring partnership it should be right now. Good luck.

[minimariah]

he's doing it for HIMSELF - he is in love with this woman and doesn't want her out of his life. you're not controlling or jealous - he is IN LOVE with another woman. the amount of gaslighting going on in your marriage is incredible - he isn't naive, he knows exactly what he's doing.

 

let me repeat again - he admits to FALLING IN LOVE with another woman. what keeps you in a marriage where your H is in love with another woman and keeps trying to convince you that it's all just a close friendship you should accept...?

 

kids, money...? i truly believe you'll be better off without him.

at least try a trial separation and see what happens... you might just find out that you're actually feeling a lot happier without him in your life.

 

if you accept his friendship with this W = he will most definitely start an A & drift apart from you. on the other hand, he clearly isn't ready to let go and you forcing him to will probably lead to resentment and again drifting apart.

 

i'm sorry but it seems to me like drifting apart is inevitable because he just doesn't want to own up to his actions or to be honest with you.

[No Limit]

Your husband is so far behind because he's in an affair. He's stuck, he can't get anywhere. You should really really really consider divorcing, or at least hire a PI and wait a few days for them to bring you photos and videos of their friendly activities.

He isn't deleting the messages so the OW won't get exposed, he's deleting them so the affair won't get exposed.

 

 

Wake up, before they run you over...!

[Winterina]

Maya, I am sorry you are being so hard on yourself. What he is doing would trigger the same feelings and suspicions in anyone. You are right here, know that. The guy has crossed the line with someone, he lied to you about it, and now he is hiding their communication. He told you he was in love with her too?

Why are you still with him?

[i am gutted]

This is where you are totally wrong.

 

He doesn't feel that he's doing anything wrong because

1) The only thing they haven't done is have sex or

2) He lying to you about it all

 

Either way, he is doing something wrong. He's having a strong emotional connection and emotional affair with another woman. It's crossed the border into an inappropriate relationship with another woman. It pushes you away and builds a stronger bond between the two of them. You are his wife and he should be spending that energy trying to build a stronger bond with you.

 

This is either full blown physical affair, or it is very close to becoming one. Don't let him convince you that just because they are "only friends" that there is nothing wrong with it. He has a very close relationship with another woman and not one with you. This path only has one ending and leads to you and him growing further apart and him growing closer to his other woman.

 

sorry but I have to agree ^^^ the time and effort he putting into her should be put into you.......

am very sorry that you are in this situation, it really sucks and I know how devastating it is.

[turnera]

The only significant factor to this absurd situation is this: YOU are willing to SHARE your husband.

 

Until you are no longer willing, until you will walk away from a man who doesn't love you, you will continue to be his last choice. You are his doormat.

 

I can't believe your MC is allowing this to go on without saying something.

[Try]

I think that the first option could work if he shares their friendship with me and makes me comfortable with it, that is being honest, not claiming what they have is all ”private”, meaning not for my eyes.

The first option will not work. He is in a full on emotional affair (EA) with this other woman (OW), which is why he wants it to be private, and why your marriage cannot work as long as he has any contact with this OW.

 

In your first post on this thread you stated that he referred to their relationship as "kindred souls", something that he does not say about your relationship with him, meaning that she is filling an important hole in his life that you are not; thus they are much more than just freinds. You also said in that first post that he said that they "supported each other in tough times", and that these tough times included tough times that you and your husband were having. This means that while he wants you to respect the very questionably privacy rights of his relationship with his EA partner, they are not respecting the unquestionable privacy rights of your relationship with your husband; this is nuts, he has it backwards, as his wife your marriage vows say that it is suppose to be the other way around.

 

In the first post you stated that your husband said that "If he had to choose between me and her he would easily choose me but why should he even considering choosing?" Call his bluff and ask him to "easily choose" you. As for why should even consider choosing, tell him that if he does not end all contact with his EA partner for life, that you will end all contact with him and ask for a divorce. That being in an EA is cheating, and that you will not tolerate a marriage where he is "kindred souls" with another woman instead of you. You should also demand complete transparency in your marriage going forward where both of you share all passwords; tell him that the only privacy rights between spouses in healthy marriages is when you are in the bathroom.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Try

[No Limit]

What the... come on, all the signs are there. I don't know how anyone can doubt it. Of course it's a PA, that's why he's so adamant to keep in touch with OW - and that's also why he keeps calling it a friendship, to make it sound harmless and to make OP believe she's crazy and controlling for not allowing him to have something as normal as a friendship with another human being. Wake up.

[eric1]

And a 'friendship' so important to him to prioritize over his wife being so distraught over and going to a psychologist over, multiple mc sessions, probably 10s of hours of discussion, clear mental anguish...

 

 

If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck then it is a duck. And if it wasn't then your husband would just be a dick.

[beach]

He might think you're serious if you serve him with D papers and have him move out immediately.

 

He's not honest

He's not building trust with you

He's not trying to connect with you

He's not being faithful

He's secretive

He's seeing her behind your back

He's talking about you to her

He's a blatant liar with words and actions

Most likely he's had a lot of sex with her

 

 

 

Haven't you figured out that you've had issues in the M is because he's is invested more with her?

 

He's the enemy of your marriage!

 

Everything you've described is a man who's invested way more outside the M than in it.

 

He's being destructive to your M. Give him consequences for his bad behavior. He thinks it's ok that he's cheating - mainly because you haven't shown him how bad it can be since he's not making you his top priority.

 

Show him what his actions lead to - a marriage that ends.

[RightThere]

Two things

 

Actually I’ve done a lot of work by myself during the past 5 months and I have really been trying to see things from different sides and talk about the situation in an ”adult” way. My H is way behind and I must admit I feel sorry for him, he seems so lost.

 

He's not "lost". He's still in his affair. Emotional or physical, he's not there for you.

 

And the reason he is behind (and will stay behind) is because you are in false reconciliation. He's not really interested in reconciling with you, so he's just going through the motions to appease you.

 

Glad you are moving ahead and getting smarter, but he's not going to get any better.

 

My thought is that: if I accept him to continue his friendship with this woman, how will our life as married continue. Will he be happier bringing good stuff to our marriage making me happier? Or is it going towards parallell life where neither share what we are doing?

 

I think that the first option could work if he shares their friendship with me and makes me comfortable with it, that is being honest, not claiming what they have is all ”private”, meaning not for my eyes.

 

Speaking from experience, I tried to be friendly with my STBXW's OM. At the time, I was totally clueless about their affair, just that I knew they were close friends and spending too much time together. The only thing it allowed for was their affair to grow because now they felt confident to lie about it right to my face.

 

You don't need to make them feel more comfortable about the relationship that makes YOU feel uncomfortable. In their heads, they will actually reason that you are OK with them screwing about behind your back.

 

Don't let them dictate to you what is OK for you to feel right or wrong about. I know your gut it screaming at you that something is wrong.

 

Listen to your gut. It seldom will fail you.

[turnera]

My thought is that: if I accept him to continue his friendship with this woman, how will our life as married continue. Will he be happier bringing good stuff to our marriage making me happier?

I'll tell you how it will continue. He will become bolder and bolder about who else he's screwing. And the more you accept it, and the more you try to kiss his ass or become his OTHER sex kitten, the more he'll enjoy it, and the more he'll DO it, to get you to keep kissing his ass. He may SEEM normal now. But if you accept this, you are telling him you have NO self esteem, and you will NEVER leave him.

 

Why should he even CARE about you at that point, let alone try to make you happy?

 

It's basic psychology.

[sidney2718]

I confess that I don't understand this situation or the fair number of similar ones on LS.

 

Why is the husband not pushing for divorce? He has found his soul mate in the OW, why is he sticking with his wife? It can't be fun to have to cut into his time with his soul mate by having so spend time with his wife?

 

It also seems clear that the OP doesn't like this situation but somehow still thinks that she is in a marriage or that her marriage can be saved.

 

Or perhaps I'm just stupid?

[turnera]

In my 10+ years of experience, here's what I have seen: Women cheat for emotional closeness; if they find a 'new' man who offers them the moon, they jump. They're ready to ditch their husband in a second. Saw my own SIL do it to my brother.

 

Men usually cheat - at least at first - for the sex or the compliments or by 'helping' some woman through a crisis (thus being admired). It's not for a new home. Not for a new family. These men usually like their existing home situation; they are NOT looking to replace it.

 

And once they start getting some on the side, and the wife picks up on the changes, and gets desperate, and starts turning on the charm to rope him back in, he's now eating cake. And LOVING it. Why would he leave? He's getting twice as much sex, twice as much admiration, twice as much attention.

[beach]

What's the update?

 

Have you allowed your H to understand how much he's hurting you and the M by co tuning his A with his OW?