Friends behind my back

[Popsicle]

Yes, why not

 

I asked him what he would say if it was the other way around. He mumbled something about it would maybe be OK, so I'll think I go for it.

I don't actually believe in revenge but maybe we could try to be completely open. Or completely secret.

 

It's not revenge. It's so you can partake in some fun too.

[68_f100]

Yes, why not

 

I asked him what he would say if it was the other way around. He mumbled something about it would maybe be OK, so I'll think I go for it.

I don't actually believe in revenge but maybe we could try to be completely open. Or completely secret.

 

 

Now you are talking my language.

[Confused48]

I do not have access to his email. I get access and when he finds out he changes pwd immidiately and deletes the messages.

 

OMG! In what world is this guy not having an affair?

 

I actually do believe they are not having sex.

 

I know how you feel. I saw my WS having a special friend too and though my WS WOULD NEVER have sex with some one else and still have sex with me. I was 1000% sure about this. No doubts at ALL. Then I found out the hard way that I was wrong.

 

I also know that he has started similar "friend affairs" that he didn't want to share with me and I think they've ended because there has been some other husband involved and that it would be inappropriate, or at least more complicated. It has started with attraction and then he wants to turn it into friendship.

 

OMG! OMG! Oh My GOD! He is a serial cheater. Look it up. This is really bad. I'm so sorry for you.

Maybe nothing wrong with that but why keeping me out of it?

 

No! Don't put your head in the sand about this? Do you have children? Even if you do you should be running from this guy as fast as you can. You don't want an open relationship with a serial cheater. you don't want a serial cheater to even know where you live.

[Davey L]

It's wrong in my mind if he's either talking to her about things he should be talking to you about instead, or if he is getting support from her when he should be seeking it from you or divulging private marital matters to her.

 

Like your husband I have a couple of times formed relationships with women that are inappropriately close or intimate. However I do stop a bit short of where your husband is; I get to a point that I realise my wife would be deeply unhappy if she knew about it, then I start limiting and withdrawing.

[RightThere]

I get access and when he finds out he changes pwd immidiately and deletes the messages.

 

Red Flag

 

They also have strong interests through work and he helps her a lot on his free time.

 

Red Flag

 

He admits that he did fall in love at the beginning

 

Red Flag

 

still keep her as a friend since they could so easily talk to each other and she was available all the time.

 

Red Flag

 

I also know that he has started similar "friend affairs" that he didn't want to share with me and I think they've ended because there has been some other husband involved and that it would be inappropriate,

 

Red Flag

 

I actually do believe they are not having sex.

 

I don't want you to feel beat up, but I can tell you I had the exact same mindset when I thought my soon to be ex wife was having a friendship that was going too far. She would tell me how this other man was a great friend, not attracted to him in that way, they helped each other with their problems. But it was a full blown affair for about as long as the "friendship" existed.

 

There are warning signs all over the place on this. I don't like to jump to conclusions, but it is very unlikely that this has not become sexual. Not only are the warning signs all over this current relationship, he has a history of similar relationships. The other husbands were smart enough to sniff it out and end them (or at least that is the story you are getting).

 

It's tough to believe that the person you married could be telling you so many lies, but listen to your gut and don't bury your head in the sand with all these things that seem wrong.

[Popsicle]

My best friend who is married tells her husband that she is not attracted to her male friend when her husband asks. She tells H that he is not her type and that they are just good friends due to having a shared career interest. Little does H know that it is much deeper than that, they are in love and they have had sex right in his house.

[66Charger]

no, not as a revenge - but as the way to move on.

you fall in love with someone, too. why not? falling in love is a beautiful feeling. why shouldn't you have a special, close friendship with another man? that's a beautiful thing.

 

tell him all about it, too -- and it won't be cheating.

 

if your husband isn't emotionally faithful to you, if he isn't honest with you -- you got no obligation to be emotionally faithful and honest with him either.

 

see what else is out there... reconnect with folks, meet new people. if there is someone better for you, why not dumping your H & move on to a happier relationship? it is what it is. put yourself first and look out for yourself first, no one else will and you don't owe your H anything.

 

Falling in love with someone else while you are married is ok? Obviously it is not for you which is why you are hurt.

Try something different.

Place a high value on yourself.

Maintain your dignity and honor and divorce the disrespectful guy. When he said the love word to another, that is enough for you to move on. If you want a open relationship, fine.

 

But dont become a cheater. you are married Dont become him.

Edited June 3, 2015 by 66Charger

[spanz1]

Sorry, but he's having an Emotional Affair.

 

 

 

yep that is what it is called. and women usually are MORE concerned about their husband having and EA vs. a physical affair!

So, just sit him down and set him straight.

IF he wants to keep this woman as a fried, it has to be fully in the open....like her coming over to your house for dinner with her boyfriend.....

Otherwise it probably WILL go physical.

 

 

btw, how do you know it has not gone physical yet?

[minimariah]

Falling in love with someone else while you are married is ok?

 

if the spouse knows about it - sure. i really don't see why not.

if the spouse CLEARLY doesn't think falling in love while married is a big deal, why would it be a big deal for the OP?

 

Obviously it is not for you which is why you are hurt.

 

what does the hurt have to do with anything...?

 

Try something different.

 

YES! like falling in love & finding a close friendship.

 

Place a high value on yourself.

 

exactly my point! which is why she should find someone who is loveable and resepctful & fall in love.

 

If you want a open relationship, fine.

 

they're already in an open relationship - but he is the only one having fun.

[pondhawk]

He actually used the words kindred souls to explain their relationship?!?!?!?!?!?!

No. I'm sorry. YOU'RE HIS WIFE. You're supposed to be his kindred soul.

 

Maybe if he wasn't giving away his time to another women, both of your souls would have a stronger bond?

 

I'm sorry, there's something going on. I would go undercover and get as much info as possible. Protect yourself. Also, please read: Not Just Friends.

[No Limit]

Polygraph. As soon as the test comes off positive that he's slept with her - and I promise you that it will - ultimatum time: another job, no contact. Don't want to let go of the affair partner? Then pack his bags and get an attorney.

[66Charger]

You missed the quote

 

"Don't become a cheater"

 

Wonder why.

 

Edit. OP you will receive different advice from people with different morals and values. At the end of the day, it is your mirror that you must face. Open relationships don't work when there are serious problems in a marriage. Your husband was extremely disrespectful of you. Which ever road you travel, don't disrespect yourself.

Edited June 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[ttfn555]

We all have our own experiences to share and they are unique unto themselves but if it doesn't "feel right" to you, it's probably not. My xwh had many "friends" online, but they lived far away so i didn't worry and i believed him. One woman lived in our area, she was having marital problems and they were "friends" he even invited her to our Xmas party to show I had nothing to worry about. I met her, she was non-threatening, not that attractive etc. 3 months later, full blown affair, 6 months later, I kicked him out and he moved in with her. 5 years later they have broken up and are both huge messes. go with your gut, truly. I always want to think the best of people, which usually has been my downfall.

[whichwayisup]

This 'special' friendship may not be sexual but it is emotional and he's investing her in, confiding in her, bonding with her and all that is soo damaging. He is more emotionally attached to her because of this, paying more attention to her than you on some level.

 

Fact that you've never met her, he kept her a secret from you just shows how wrong this is. If you had a male friend and spoke to him like he speaks to her I'm betting he'd be pissed off and hurt and jealous!!!

 

It's inappropriate, so put your food down. He can't you both, either he ends it with her completely and reinvests in you and the marriage or it's divorce time. You need to show him that you will NOT put up with his selfish behaviour.

[whichwayisup]

I do not have access to his email. I get access and when he finds out he changes pwd immidiately and deletes the messages. I've hacked his ipad several times and it is nothing I am proud about but it drives me crazy to know he still invests in that relationship. They also have strong interests through work and he helps her a lot on his free time.

 

I actually do believe they are not having sex. He admits that he did fall in love at the beginning but decided (!) to stay with me (or maybe she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship) but still keep her as a friend since they could so easily talk to each other and she was available all the time. He don't think he's been doing anything wrong since they've only been friends and no sex.

I also know that he has started similar "friend affairs" that he didn't want to share with me and I think they've ended because there has been some other husband involved and that it would be inappropriate, or at least more complicated. It has started with attraction and then he wants to turn it into friendship. Maybe nothing wrong with that but why keeping me out of it?

 

I just can deal with his ideas of how to relate to friends. The man I'm married to is supposed to have me as his best friend and he should not have secret friends. And certainly, when I found out he needs to understand that my feelings are deeply hurt. He should definitely not defend her and explain to me how great it is for him to have a best friend and a soul mate that is always there for him and his great ego.

 

Your H is extremely selfish and has a huge ego! My god, he's done this before? Got close with other women? Kept the friendships quiet and away from you?

 

Divorce him!! Tell him to pack some bags and get the F out and GO to his 'soul mate, kindred spirit' that he fell in love with. He seriously is f'ed in the head.

[autumnnight]

This man is cheating. And if you view cheating as wrong and immoral the LAST thing you wanna to is become just like him.

[Lois_Griffin]

My question is: How close can two people be if one of them is in a relationship (we have been toghether for almost 30 years and she is single)? How could I handle it?

You'd be surprised at how many foolish women are only too happy to waste years of their lives on their married cheaters.

 

He keeps assuring me that she is just a friend, he wants to be with me and he wants to keep his special friend.

LOL. I'll bet he does.

 

He cannot understand why I can’t just get over it and we could all be friends.

This guy is such a lying sack. How can you be 'friends' with someone he's HIDDEN from you for 2 years?

 

He has offered me complete honesty and transparency but he has continued having contact with her. He is now very careful with deleting her emails completely so I don’t find anything that would upset me.

That's his idea of 'honesty' and 'transparency'? Deleting his emails? Oh, now I get it. He's deleting those emails to protect you from being hurt. Got it.

 

I don’t think they meet...

The ONLY way that they haven't met up is if she lives in some 3rd world country 11,000 miles away from you. Otherwise, you can count on the fact that this isn't some silly pen-pal 'friendship.' Of one thing you can be sure - whether they've met up or not had NOTHING to do with respect for you at all. The two of them are liars and sneaks. The 'respect' ship sailed a long, long time ago.

 

He is very sorry that I am feeling this way but he cannot see that he is doing something wrong. And he probably isn’t. There is no right and wrong in this. Only emotions.

Lying to you for 2 years and having an inappropriate 'friendship' with some woman that he kept hidden is perfectly ok? Well let me ask you this, then. If it was as innocent as he claims and truly feels he's doing nothing wrong, then why did he purposely HIDE this so-called friendship for 2 years?

 

He's a liar and a hypocrite.

 

Because of his attitude to all this my feelings for him are very damaged and I am thinking of leaving him. I am so sad that we cannot meet in this and sort things out but I can’t live with with somebody that don’t respect my feelings and put honesty above anything else.

Do know that most cheaters aren't looking to change their current status. They're just looking to enhance it. That's what he was doing - enhancing his current situation. He wasn't looking for a way out of the marriage, he just wanted MORE. Because he's a selfish, self-entitled ass. And he wanted that 'more' at the expense of your emotional and mental well-being.

 

It seems kind of odd that he'd be willing to compromise your entire marriage just for a 'pen pal' he's supposedly never met, doesn't it?

 

I think in the coming weeks and months, you're going to find out a lot more about this so-called email relationship. And unfortunately, none of it will be good.

[violet1]

Falling in love with someone else while you are married is ok? Obviously it is not for you which is why you are hurt.

Try something different.

Place a high value on yourself.

Maintain your dignity and honor and divorce the disrespectful guy. When he said the love word to another, that is enough for you to move on. If you want a open relationship, fine.

 

But dont become a cheater. you are married Dont become him.

 

 

I agree! Him having secret friends that he hides from you is not okay. Stand up for yourself! This sounds harsh, but he will always have a secret friend on the side because he knows you won't leave him. I don't think it's gone physical, but I could be wrong. When I was searching for an A online (that's how I met my XMM btw) there were a lot of men who wanted emotional connections only. Someone they could relate and talk to, but no meeting or sex. A lot of people don't think that's cheating, but they're wrong, it's an EA. Prove him wrong! Let him know you will not tolerate a marriage with secrets by filing for divorce. He has no remorse, I don't think he will change. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Lois_Griffin]

I found out about him visiting her late in the evening and when I asked him about it he lied.

Jeez.

 

How did I miss THIS statement?

 

Yeah. It's physical.

[violet1]

One more thing. Don't find yourself a special friend. You will regret it. My A was more of a EA than a PA. It was very addicting and painful. Don't go down that road. Leave him and find a man who will respect you by not hiding female friends from you. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[maya70]

Actually I'm not in for cheating. I believe in honesty and that's why this is so tough for me. And I can't understand why he can't see that.

I am positive they haven't gone PA. He is just so naive. He truly believes he's doing nothing wrong, he can't understand why I get upset about him having close friends. The thing is I do approve of him having close friends but not hiding them from me and lying to me about it. Several times. And now when it's not a secret anymore there shouldn't be a problem according to him. But it is a problem and he don't know how to deal with that. We exist in different universes right now and I do think we have serious existential issues to deal with if we are going to continue together. I guess I want him to go NC with her but I can't say that to him. I want him to find that out himself. Otherwise it wouldn't be his choice and he would do it again since he don't agree that his behaviour is not OK. It is not my mission to change him, he has to find that out himself. We're having MC next week and maybe we both could catch some new thoughts about this.

[RightThere]

I am positive they haven't gone PA.

 

Famous last words.

 

He is just so naive.

 

Mmmmm......I'm not sure it's him that's naive.

 

I do wish you good luck. There is nothing worse that uncovering the layers of betrayal one story at at time. I believe there is a lot more to this story and you will find it out in your own time. Nothing anyone here says will change what you think and what you're going to do. Just be vigilant and listen to your gut.

 

I always hated being "textbook" when it came to my own situation. However yours is also "textbook" and the more uncover, the more everything will make more sense.

 

Keep posting as much as you need. And don't feel too beat up from people here. Their intentions are in the right place.

[devilish innocent]

I would be livid too. You're supposed to be his "kindred soul". He's sharing his heart with another woman. Meanwhile you're being shut out of everything. No wonder you're upset. It's the natural human reaction to this type of a situation. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I hope he gets some sense.

[66Charger]

Actually I'm not in for cheating. I believe in honesty.

 

Here here

[maya70]

Some time has passed and we’ve had MC 3 times now and I have no idea where this is leading. I feel like we are in the middle of an experiment and it is surrealistic what we are going through (there are tons of other issues in our lives as well but I spare them for later). I’ve also had IC for the past months which has been very valuable to me and giving a chance to talk things through without being interrupted. And I’ve read Glass: Just friends, thanks for the tip and a lot of other stuff, trying to reach beyond discussion groups, no offense

 

Actually I’ve done a lot of work by myself during the past 5 months and I have really been trying to see things from different sides and talk about the situation in an ”adult” way. My H is way behind and I must admit I feel sorry for him, he seems so lost. At MC we talk about our different personalities and how we can deal with that. At the moment I’ve got a hang-up on how to allow each other ”private spheres”, trying to captures alternatives.

 

My thought is that: if I accept him to continue his friendship with this woman, how will our life as married continue. Will he be happier bringing good stuff to our marriage making me happier? Or is it going towards parallell life where neither share what we are doing?

 

I think that the first option could work if he shares their friendship with me and makes me comfortable with it, that is being honest, not claiming what they have is all ”private”, meaning not for my eyes. At the moment we are not there at all. He told me his ipad pwd the other day (which I already knew of course, he’s been changing everytime he knows that I know) but he is deleting their messages as soon as he can which to me means that he is not ready to share. I think he is protecting her from being exposed, not me for being hurt. To me this behavior creates more suspicion and I don't feel like sharing what I do and to whom I talk to either. This means that we are heading for option 2: drifting apart. But how long can it take for us to be comfortable with the situation? Can I ever trust him? Will I continue to be this jealous, controlling bitch that I have turned into?