strip clubs, bacheor parties, prositutes

[kittenhead]

Hmmm. BF and I—in love—taking about marriage. In the past BF hired a prostitute once—told me about how he and his buddies tried to get a stripper to sleep with a friend of his b/c it was the last night before he got married—oh and we were watching a movie once (Sideways) where this guy was cheating on his fiancé right before the wedding. I said that guy is not ready to get married and my BF said—what’s the problem. He’s just trying to get a little action before he gets married.

 

Anyway—little seeds dropped in my head and germinated. The questions that blossomed where this—in fact I sent this in an email:

 

Dear BF,

With you, would I ever be in a position to deal with habitual attendance to strip clubs beyond bachelor parties? or paying some girls to do things? I realize that bachelor parties are inevitable—but seriously, will I have to wonder what may actually be occurring? Or can I feel safe that I won’t somehow be compromised? You’ve never cheated—but what are your boundaries are for the long haul? Maybe I’ve watched too many movies or listened to other people’s tales too much. But, well, you’ve told stories….which I assume are true…..

 

 

Now I’m wishing I hadn’t sent this and I’m afraid he’s gonna blow up. was it wrong to ask? Maybe if I have to ask—the relationship is still to young to talk about these things—or maybe I should be able to ask without fear. I don’t know.

[kittenhead]

Ps. I feel so bad and think I SUCK

[tiki]

Originally posted by kittenhead

Now I’m wishing I hadn’t sent this and I’m afraid he’s gonna blow up. was it wrong to ask? Maybe if I have to ask—the relationship is still to young to talk about these things—or maybe I should be able to ask without fear. I don’t know.

 

There's nothing you should regret. You asked questions that you geniunely are concerned about, and you directed those questions to a POSSIBLE lifelong partner. I'd highly recommend confronting the issues, like you have.

 

But the problem lies in the 're'action. How will you respond if he says "Hell yeah, get over it hon"? Be prepared to receive the worst. Plan your steps. Are you going to be okay with him saying that, and that being it, period?

 

Or would you dump him?

 

And you DON'T suck. You only suck if you think you do.

[kittenhead]

He's responded to my email:

 

Probably not - they don't turn me on. I'd never cheat, let alone put you at

risk. With you, do I have to be worried about your cheating? You've told

some stories...

 

Wanna read the response I haven't sent yet? Tell me what you think...

 

Baby, there is only one thing in my past that I wish I could undo. And you know that. I'd rather throw myself off a bridge then subject myself or someone else to that torment. So, no worries. [i cheated once long ago--very bad experience]

 

I guess, (and I'm laughing now) I'm just saying, I don't want to come up against a situation where you'd film yourself squirting your **** on a few folks -- or anything like that--film or not. And I'm trying to verify that a situation like that isn't in my future, because technically it's not putting me at risk and I'd never even have to know that it occurred (that's the trust part).

 

Plus, I've heard you ask what was wrong with a guy trying to get a little action before he got married, heard about you trying to buy a lay for your buddy before he got hitched, suggested a vaginal taste test to confirm that I was your favorite oral sex recipient (which was oddly flattering), but mentioned with an air of boredom something about my **** for the rest of your life. All this is fine if it's all been said in good fun. But you take the comments--throw in a few prostitute stories, mix it up with online sex talk and top it off with lots of porn -- you've got a confused, (still devastatingly pretty) ***** wondering if she's on a crash course for emotional wreckage.

 

OK--I'm being overly dramatic--it's just for effect. But here's where the trust comes in. And that's where all these questions end. You asked me to trust you so, I'm just asking you if I can.

 

I guess it sounds like I'm keeping a log. (giggles tickling me!) But that's just not gonna work. I'm not game for a typical female role where guy-feels-trapped-bored-with-wife's-**** thing. That's just so pine box. I'm more of the Nick Cage/Laura Dern "Wild at Heart" variety.

 

But how about a nice segway....

 

With that said--and I've mentioned this now three time--I'd be really into watching a video where you---

 

(opps--that's really private)

 

So--what do you think of the letter? Should I just file it away and get a kick out of it privately?

[tiki]

Wow...um....you have a way with words. Or something.

[Artifact]

Well, I'm not getting into each word you or he used- but I see that you are communicating. Be honest and talk it out.

 

You will either improve your relationship or find out it's not all it was cracked up to be!

 

No need to keep things to yourself...

[TUDOR]

Send the letter, he will enjoy it. You seem to be comunicating and that is all that matters. Keeping things out in front of you by talking about them now is so much easier than dealing with them after the fact. Your are entitled to your opinion and most certainly your concerns or fears. They are your's and are real so don't ever be sorry for having them. But you are voicing them and making them known and that is one of the many keys to a successful relationship.

[tiki]

And I think his reply is definitely a good sign.

[RecordProducer]

If I knew that my BF was watching a stripper getting naked the night before our wedding, I would cancel the wedding.

My BF is a serious and loyal person and he would never do that kind of party anyway. I wouldn't want to be married to a guy who associates with the kind of people who are so superficial. The "tradition" of doing it is a lame excuse! Those who invented that tradition are exactly the kind of people I don't want to be around so anyone who respect the tradition of hiring a prostitute or a stripper right before the wedding is a cheater in perspective.

[FolderWife]

I think his reply was good.

[RecordProducer]

Why do you email each other instead of discuss these things in person? I wonder why he mentions the word "*****" so often in his letter and why he attacks you. It seems that he is not 100% sure he can trust you and yet wants to marry you.

[kittenhead]

we actually don't email one another too often about important stuff. and --sorry everyone--there are a lot of crass words. I will remove them.

[SexKitten]

his reaction to the movie and his reply to your email both suck.

 

he doesn't see what's wrong with the guy "getting a little action" before he gets married???

 

he takes your email and turns it around on you, that he should be worried about your past cheating???

 

your past cheating wasn't the issue...it may weigh on his mind from time to time, but it has little to do with your present relationship unless you gave him reason to believe you would do it to him.

 

he did give you reason to believe HE would do it. then he came back with a sugary answer that of course he wouldn't, and turned the issue into YOU being the one worry to about.

 

i think that's shady.

[tanbark813]

Wow, I'm surprised nobody gave the guy hell for writing "Probably" as the first word of his email.

 

"Baby would you cheat on me?"

"Probably not."

 

[kittenhead]

I've revamped this letter. I think I may be over analyzing. But this all started b/c -- the sweetie bought me a computer. he wanted to hook up my hotmail account to outlook and so he asked me for my password. i gave it to him--but i wanted to delete some letter i never sent to him. i can be hot headed/irrational and so i sit on things to make sure I really mean what i'm saying. and it works for me. but he was concerned that he wasn't in the "circle of trust" (we just watch "meet the ****ers"--awesome movie). in fact he woke me up at 5 in the am to talk and we did. he wanted me to tell him 5 things i didn't like about the relationship and then 5 ways we could improve (actually one of his issues is that I need to talk through everything--probably at nauseum--so I'm worried this may be over the edge). but i guess this was what was really at the heart of the matter and it just took me until today to really articulate it. so here it is....

 

 

[start of letter]

 

Baby, there is only one thing in my past that I wish I could undo. And you know that. I'd rather throw myself off a bridge then subject myself or someone else to that torment. So, no worries about cheating. I haven’t done anything to confuse you. That is in the past—long ago—a mistake I made and learned from. So rest assured.

 

I know you'd never put me at biological risk. I guess, I'm just saying, I don't want to come up against a situation where you'd put me at emotional risk. And I guess this realtes to the big porn question. Is it just pictures or could it bleed over into real life? And its only a question because you were online early in our relationship having annonymous sex talk with strangers on the internet. You felt like that was not an indiscretion. But I did. That's a troubling

 

You created a crazy scenario as improbable—filming yourself orgasm-ing on a few folks. So yeah, technically that’s not cheating and it’s also not putting me at risk. And you said it would never happen. And I'm trying to verify that a situation *like* that isn't in my future. It could happen and I'd never even have to know that it occurred. But that's the trust part. You said that you don’t have to “do” the things that you like in pornography—because by looking you are getting the fulfillment. Could you pay people (or arrange for people) to do those things and you watch? You could pay to sleep with a prostitute so I feel like this make it an even more valid question. This is the distinction I’m looking for. I mean, you want to spend the rest of your life with me. And I want to with you as well. But the thought ... it just makes me think the relationship would be a lie then. You know, I’ve never had questions like this before.

 

And it's also the things you say sometimes. I've heard you jokingly (?) ask what was wrong with a guy trying to get a little action before he got married while we watched some guy cheat on his fiancé in a movie, heard about you trying to buy a lay for your buddy before he got hitched and jokingly suggest a vaginal taste test to confirm that I was your favorite oral sex recipient (which was oddly flattering). Am I knit picking? overanalyzing? Maybe I am and all this is fine if it's all said in good fun I guess. But you take the comments--throw in a few prostitute stories, mix it up with online sex talk w/strangers and top it off with lots of porn -- I've got a confusing situation.

 

I guess it sounds like I'm keeping a log—piece mealing things. But since we’ve opened the forum to discuss the unspoken issues-well then—I want to ask. What I’m looking for is some clarification b/c “probably” …hmmm… just won’t work—not when you’re talking about the best years of my life and my family. I’m glad you’d never cheat. I’m wondering if my guy is going to get himself into a situation ten years down the line where he may not technically cheat—but compromise us though.

 

I'm not game for a typical female role where guy-feels-trapped-bored-with-wife-thing. That's just so pine box. What we have now is my fantasy. You want to be in the circle of trust then I have to know that you are the man to be there—that I will always happily come first. I never want us or our kids to feel like we’re a sham.

 

So—that is really it. That’s at the heart of my protection.

 

[end of letter]

 

 

thoughts, people? i'm starting to think this is stupid and that I'm spending to much energy on this.

[RecordProducer]

Oops, I thought it was HIS letter where there were lots of p*ssy words, but it was your answer to him. Sorry. And it's YOU who can't trust him 100%.

Has he cheated on you before or you on him?

[Bunnylove]

I'de say this all smells like trouble to me. I was very close to being married to someone not so long ago. We had very different opinions to matters like these. I started to add up things just as you are and it eventually led to agruments. For me monogamy is a MUST but with him is was an 'agreement'. I guess in his agreement he would still consider some things to be ok. To be honest he just wanted to have his cake and eat it. He was/is a wonderfull man and I still love him dearly, but when it came to sex/other women issues...he had his own theory of what was cheating and what wasnt. I think though that you CAN come to an agreement and really work it thorugh. Best to do it asap and don't be getting married any time soon. In my expreience y boyf had slept with another women in the beggining. In his book it wasnt cheating cause we hadnt made a verbal commitment yet. In my book he was as he told me he loved me...that was enough for me to believe we were exclusive. I decided to try and put it behind me but we had other issues regarding his behavior with other women. Flirting/exchanging phone numbers/going out to dinner/movies with other women and most of them being ex girlfirneds or ex lovers. It all got too much for me and we had a long run of arguments. I started to lose trust in him fast. It wasnt that long ago that I found something from another women which was at the least questionable. I pulled him up about it but he made up some lie like she just had a crush on him but that was as all. The same night I managed to get it out of him that they made out in some club....6 months had passed and he was never going to tell me. He KNEW I would hit the roof...which of course i did. I tried once more to get over it as we still had allot going for us. Unfortunetly I was losing respect for myself and became depressed. On my last trip to see him he didnt like this side of me and was 'falling out of love'. Anyway we ended up braking up after this trip. there was nothing left for us. The main problem was we could could NOT agree on certain issues. I think it is VERY important to know what is cool and whats not cool with you. What is cheating and what isnt. If you can both come to and greement early on it could work out. But to be honest it seems to me like he isnt ready. He obviously loves you but that doesnt mean he wont hurt you. People are selfish and if he is looking to get his kicks elswhere he will....and he WONT be telling you this. Trust your gut a little too. Mine has never failed me yet. Personally i'll be looking for someone that can agree with me more about monogamy...I want someone who naturally wants what I want....only to be with each other. Good luck with everything xxx

[scarlyjones]

Its been my experience that if anyone is that quick to defend a certain behavior,....they have done that,..or WOULD do that in a heartbeat. They obviously think its just fine. IM NOT JUDGING HERE,...but...Im wondering how old you are...... Because I really dont hear alot of adults using the word P***y so often. It shows a major lack of maturity. And if that IS the case,..then a serious relationship is going to fail everytime.

[Cecelius]

I don't know the guy, but is it possible that he was being an a@@ but trying to be funny? You two look like you have some good banter, and its possible he's trying to be sarcastic.

 

Second, and it may not be that big a deal, but he may actually be trying to portray a casual attitude toward cheating (at least on the last night of singleness) as a defense to your past cheating. Does he know a lot about it (details, etc.)?

 

I seriously doubt that you can take what he says to you in these conversations seriously