Is no contact right for me?

[gliders]

im not exactly sure how to do this post. i dont want to give a huge massive wall of text and details unless its necessary.

Im 25, she JUST turned 21. We started dating when she was 17, and i was 21-22.

 

I was dating a girl younger than me. About a year into the relationship, i started to think some petty things, partly from talking to a friend about the relationship and them being a terrible person with bad advice, and me being immature. i started focusing on what was wrong,and felt like i should break up, but part of me knew she was a good girl so i didnt.

 

one day i get frustrated/mad over something(probably made a small mistake for the 50th time and i think she's stupid, or something riduclous like that) and think im some sort of guy that deserves to be having sex with different girls all the time. that its my right, and im gonna start trying to do stuff behind this amazing girls back, and to start it off, im going to call a hooker.

 

well the experience was not what i wanted, and it made me incredibly guilty and really hurt me. so after a 6 -8 months, she actually left me. she felt i wasn't fully in the relationship anymoe and that she needed to do this. in all honesty what i did really messed me up inside. guilt, remorse, shame; how could i, of all people, do something like THAT, to her, of all people. we are both spiritually minded and enjoy bhuddist and zen philosophies. the relationship was different.

 

well after me trying and begging she takes me back. but i never told her.

 

over the next couple of years we kinda go back and forth, a break here or there, sometimes her decision sometimes my decision. on two of those breaks she sleep with someone else. i usually get all stupid and mean and guilt trip her for these things as apparently my ego is fragile.

 

at some point she finds in my emails, and history that im on craigslist, looking for and posting for casual encounters. i dont even know why at this point i could have had sex with her. something about the allure of beautiful strangers, i can only relate it to a porn addiction, which in a sense is like a dopamine addiction, its exciting and nervous all at the same time. well i never got anything out of it, it was always fake or to gross for me to have the balls to do it. so all time time wasted posting and looking, was nothing but damage to the relationship. and she considers all of these looking's and postings as me actually cheating with more hookers/strangers.

 

at some other point she finds me talking and flirting and trying to set something up with a girl, that i had already told her i would never. so again, im just stupid and messing up for a night of meaningless interaction, that on top if it all, never happened.

 

at one time were were looking at places to move in together, but i totally bail, because she made a pretty sever mistake and i wasn't sure i could trust here in that situation. and than another time she really needed my help with a ride home from a concert, but i was bitter and ust walked away from her. so im sure she thinks im unreliable, and i really hurt her feelings.

 

but at the end of the last break she told the guy flat out we were going to try and make it work and was pretty much done with him. awesome right?! well wrong, i just keep messing up. im all hurt and disgusted and angry by what she was doing, so im making it difficult.

 

one night, reading a book of quotes of one of my spiritual books with her, i open to my "lesson" for the night. i got another strong feeling to tell her what i really did, that i slept with a hooker and was trying to protect her from the disgusting act i did. bad idea for our relationship. good idea for my heart. i feel better that i told her. but now she is totally hurt on another level.. isn't sure if she wants this at all anymore.

 

i beg and plead for a while, not working. i start being her friend really hard, not mentioning anything about it or trying to make a move for like 3-4 months,

i bring up the relationship again, and she thinks we are better as friends, that the reason things are good right now is only cuz we are friends.

 

well this crushes me and sends me back into the needy, clingy, pushy, begin stage which has lasted about a year.

in that year, something happened, and i have testicular pain, ive had multiple tests(including std test) but not sure what it is. it keeps coming back and she's concerned i contracted something by messing around with someone. last night she let slip that she thinks my cock is busted or something along those lines, so she sounds repulsed by everything about me. =[

 

she's finally talking to another guy, "taking it slow" but it has progressed to the point where they have had sex. only once she says.

she won't kiss me, won't hold my hand, sure as hell won't have sex with me, she's not even comfortable sleeping over at my house, she said "i dont trust myself".

but she says she loves me and that she really wants me in her life. but says that if i need to take time away and not talk to her that i should take all the time i need. sounds over for good to me. =/

 

ive been all crazy and made a big deal about it all, telling her im never going to talk to her again, and then dont for all of two weeks than for some reason we start talking again and it goes on for some months and then i freak out and tell her im never talking to her again, which went on for 2 weeks, than by the grace of god she walks into a room where i am and its literally the last place i ever expected her. So i think its some sort of sign and we start talking, but i can't totally keep it together and i play the unattractive ex boyfriend part again. but, i found out that in those two weeks she wasn't happy, that she felt like something was missing, or that she had a hole in her heart. but doesn't want to take me back =[

 

One day, i have this experience with plant medicines. i feel like i get a very unique shift in my perspective, and i see how ive been behaving all wrongly. the next day i tell her that i have her back, forever, im always her friend, and that i really do see how i need to change.

 

she really liked it, it made her happy, its what she really wanted to hear.

and i do better now, but sometimes its still really hard.

 

at this point she tells me that what we had, isn't what she wants right now. That now isn't the time for us to work on our relationship. says that with all the levels of disrespect we have done to each other it isn't right. She says what i did messed up her head too, and that she doesn't understand at all how people can commit to each other, and do that kinda stuff. she isn't willing to or ready to commit to anybody right now. says she has tried but just can't get over or let those things go. That the last few times we did have sex, she feels remorseful and gross, like she shouldn't have done it.

TO be honest ive had sex with a couple of different girls since then and each time i feel the way she does afterwards. but in the sense that i wish it we my ex, i actually have no interest in meaningless sex with girls im not in love with anymore.

 

ive put a lot of pressure on her. ive damaged the relationship in a lot ways. she's at a point where it seems totally over and gone. but i really love this girl, she's a total catch and im a moron for doing what i did so many times. and i want to get her back.

 

ive been all over the internet, trying to figure out what to do.

 

theres a program that people can google called "relationship rewind", where the author explains that no contact is a terrible idea. and gives steps to right the situation, they aren't easy at all though. but it make sense that no contact WOULDNT be right for every situation. sometimes you have to fix things in the friend zone to go back to the lovers zone.

 

And theres a lot of other resources out there that say no contact is the only way.

 

how do i know what is right for my situation? it sounds like no contact was working, but at the same time it made her so happy that i was here for life, and that it could help me rebuild things.

 

or do i just suddenly start ignoring her totally? and than contact her after some time? we talk almost every day, but at times get busy and won't talk for a day or two.

 

how can i rebuild her trust? where the heck do i go from here? this is consuming me almost entirely. its hard to be the happy attractive guy i used to be around her, and its hard just not to think of this in general.

 

Literally, the second i wake up, before i even open my eyes, my mind goes to this and im sad.

 

I reallllllyyy realllllyyy dont want to let this girl go...

 

well so much for not posting a huge wall of text, i hope this is was to read, and i feel like theres sill more i need to post.

 

im open to any and all brutally honest answers any one has for me. i know i F***ed up, and i know she's incredibly hurt, but i want to fix this

Edited June 3, 2015 by gliders