how to deal with hubby looking at other women

[pondhawk]

And when I mean looking, I mean staring...sometimes stopping in the middle of his sentence to gawk.

 

He admits he has a problem and has tried to look at his shoes when he realizes he's doing it. But this is a constant problem everywhere... whether we're in the store, church, gym, restaurant, etc.

 

Now, I'm not unattractive and I regularly work out, so I don't feel bad about myself or my looks. I've heard men say, "When we look, we don't want them we want you...."

Bull****.

The reality of it is, that you are with us and the women you're looking at are not a possibility when WE'RE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!

 

I've also heard the excuse that when men look, they quickly forget the image and it's out of their minds.

I call bull**** again.

One time we took the train downtown and on our way home we were sitting in the upper seats. Wouldn't you know, below us in clear view was a group of 20 year old girls with revealing clothes. We got home 30 minutes later, with our kids, and he suddenly had to see me in the bedroom. He threw me on the bed and was like a ravenous animal. I loved it and didn't think much about it. It was later that I connected the two events together and confronted him about his sudden lust.... was it me he was making love to or the images in his head from the train? Sure enough he admitted he was turned on my the girls in the train.

 

This has ruined so many happy outings. I refuse to go to the pool or beach with him anymore and I have been increasingly even refusing to go to the gym with him.

 

Help! I'm starting to resent him. I don't want to but I can feel it! And I just can't stop caring or ignore it, even though he claims to be "working on it".

[spanz1]

we all do that. tell him to not be so obvious! Drooling is right out!

[d0nnivain]

If it was a sideways glance, I'd say get over it. The gawking as a lack of manners would gall me on multiple levels, disrespect for me plus being rude. I'd wonder if people thought his bad behavior was a reflection on me.

 

I'd point that out to him but somewhat nicely. You have to get him to stop.

[berniev]

It's called being a man. All men do it. Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire.

 

It actually has more to do with your own insecurity.

[pondhawk]

Yes, I wish I could get him to stop.

 

When I point it out to him he reacts in one of three ways:

1. "Oh, I didn't even realize I was doing it!"

2. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to stop."

3. "This again? Really, your insecurity is getting old."

 

That last one makes me so angry!!!! I'm not at all insecure. I know I could get a man at a drop of a hat, but that's not the point! I do feel as if he is "choosing" these women over me because he has does this over and over again.

I don't want to feel like I'm starting to hate him.

[berniev]

Yes, I wish I could get him to stop.

 

When I point it out to him he reacts in one of three ways:

1. "Oh, I didn't even realize I was doing it!"

2. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to stop."

3. "This again? Really, your insecurity is getting old."

 

That last one makes me so angry!!!! I'm not at all insecure. I know I could get a man at a drop of a hat, but that's not the point! I do feel as if he is "choosing" these women over me because he has does this over and over again.

I don't want to feel like I'm starting to hate him.

 

When we look, it doesn't mean we don't want you. It only means at that moment, we are intrigued by their beauty. A few minutes later, here comes another one and we would have forgotten the one we were drooling over 10 seconds ago.

 

You can make this fun and he would love you. I had a girlfriend who would talk about what we both saw. It's a lot of fun, and it doesn't make me like her any less.

[pondhawk]

Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire.

 

Nope. Not interested.

[berniev]

Nope. Not interested.

 

That's fine but you can't blame him for being a man. Some men can control themselves better but doesn't mean they are any better in this department.

 

You can try to point out handsome guys to him and see how he would react. :-)

[stillafool]

Nope. Not interested.

 

 

Of course you are not interested in gawking at other women. But......surely there is some young man candy around to admire. Put the shoe on the other foot and enjoy yourself too. Your husband isn't going to stop btw.

[xxoo]

Give him a taste of his own medicine. There are plenty of fine looking men around to gawk at.

 

It is true that most people notice other attractive men/women. But it is both unkind and downright RUDE to be caught gawking--either by your partner, or by the person you're noticing. I've been on the other side of the equation, being gawked at by a man who is clearly with a woman, and it is obnoxious, awkward, and GROSS.

[berniev]

Give him a taste of his own medicine. There are plenty of fine looking men around to gawk at.

 

It is true that most people notice other attractive men/women. But it is both unkind and downright RUDE to be caught gawking--either by your partner, or by the person you're noticing. I've been on the other side of the equation, being gawked at by a man who is clearly with a woman, and it is obnoxious, awkward, and GROSS.

 

Please don't do this out of spite. Do this in a loving and playful fashion. If you do this to attack him, it would eventually ruin your relationship. Being playful and do this once in awhile can be fun and motivating. :-)

[davidromero43]

Wouldn't you know, below us in clear view was a group of 20 year old girls with revealing clothes. We got home 30 minutes later, with our kids, and he suddenly had to see me in the bedroom. He threw me on the bed and was like a ravenous animal. I loved it and didn't think much about it.

 

The last part is what is most important. You need to let yourself be happy.

Get a shirt that is very revealing. If you have to rip an old tshirt to show massive cleavage, that is perfect for running errands. If he is a booty man, get some booty shorts. Here is where he is correct. Men are visual and we like to look. I don't know of a single man that would ever leave the woman he is with to chase down some eye candy. It is more like looking at art. And we are not going to try and walk out with a painting. You have expressed that you do not like it. She he should really make an effort to not do it. And if you are looking hot, you know he is going to be looking at you. He still might glance away, but he knows he has eye candy closer.

[darkmoon]

when men gawk it is a bit creepy, you are in love with him, and i am happy for you, but look, nobody is gawking back at him

 

just dress up cute and see what happens, i would not plan too much, it might seem too staged and backfire, just be cute when you go out

Edited June 3, 2015 by darkmoon

[autumnnight]

It's called being a man. All men do it. Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire.

 

It actually has more to do with your own insecurity.

 

I'm sorry, but this is a BS copout. Yes, when someone attractive crosses your vision, I can see that second glance happening. But stopping mid-sentence to gawk? No. That is not being a man. That is being a little boy with no self-control.

[adna89]

I have the same issue with my husband,anyway when we go in street i always make sure to look my best and the looks i get from guys make him react,,suddenly he wants to hold hands ,or hug or a kiss haha ,,its cute

[LuckyLady13]

Pondhawk, I can't believe some of the advice you've got so far on this.

 

Definitely don't do anything out of spite because your "hubby" is already acting obnoxious and immature. If you do anything out of spite, he's only going to amp up the already obnoxious and immature behavior.

 

I've used the word obnoxious because that's exactly what this is. Not only do you not want him to do this, how do you think other women feel who see him doing this? They are wondering when you're going to dump him and find someone you deserve. I say deserve because I can tell by your post and how you're trying to handle this, you're a nice person. And you're accepting obnoxious behavior from someone? Which, in turn, is total disrespect.

 

Sure, there's tons of eye candy out there, but nobody has to be an obnoxious, disrespectful, immature jerk about it.

 

...and I don't remember you ever saying you're bi-sexual so the advice about looking with him?

 

I'm sure you've noticed some men out there that blow yours out of the water in the looks department but it sounds like you have class about it.

 

...please don't accept behavior well below what you give.

[elaine567]

I agree with LuckyLady13 it is obnoxious and immature behaviour and I guess he is doing this deliberately to upset you.

We all see attractive members of the opposite sex, we are all human but most of us have the good grace and manners, to not make it obvious when we are with our SOs.

Stopping mid sentence to gawk, is over dramatic and is a deliberate act

Why he is doing this? I have no idea, but he wants to undermine your self esteem for some reason. I guess power may come into it somewhere.

He does it because he can, and he knows it upsets you and he continues to do it, I guess upsetting you makes him feel good on some level.

[mandymor]

It was never really an issue for my husband and me. He would glance at cute girls and I would glance at cute guys. We both used to get checked out when we were in public, my husbands very easy on the eyes. We eventually made a game out of it and started pointing out people to each other before the other had a chance to see. It's really about trusting the other person, knowing that they're with you, but they're still attracted to pretty things.

[jen1447]

Checking out attractive people doesn't bother me at all unless and until it gets to the point of social awkwardness, like you're embarrassing me by being obvious and looking publicly foolish. Otherwise, if my peeps ever got too carried away with it I'd just go flirt w/whoever they were drooling over and push them out of the equation.

[Lois_Griffin]

It's called being a man. All men do it. Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire.

 

It actually has more to do with your own insecurity.

And in that vein, perhaps you can approach these women and ask them if they'd be kind enough to lower their shirts or pull their skirts up higher so your husband can get a better look.

 

Some men just NEVER evolve.

 

There's a BIG difference between admiring a beautiful woman and acting like a sex-crazed 15 year old hormonal teenage boy. Those who haven't evolved won't GET that, of course.

 

There's also something to be said about COMMON RESPECT for your partner.

 

This ignorant 'boys will be boys' nonsense is exactly why lions eat their young.

 

Your husband is an ass. Pure and simple. I can't even process what kind of animal looks at young girls then acts like a dog in heat and simply HAS to have sex or he'll go mad. There's something wrong with him. Seriously.

 

Of course I know my husband looks at women. Hell, a lot of the time I'll point them out for him. But that's because he doesn't act like a classless pig and doesn't disrespect me if he does see a pretty girl. In fact, he'll joke with me and tell me she's ugly or he's offended that she's showing too much skin and we'll laugh our butts off.

 

THAT'S the difference between common respect for your spouse and acting like some kind of deviant.

 

I wouldn't put up with his completely disrespectful crap. His ass would be right out the door.

[mammasita]

It's called being a man. All men do it. Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire.

 

It actually has more to do with your own insecurity.

 

 

OMG, Everything you've said is complete BULL ****.

 

Yes, it is human nature to admire beauty. Everyone looks, everyone admires. THAT will never change nor stop.

 

I look, my man looks....**** my son looks.

 

The problem is that the OPs husband makes it known to her and in the process is, IMO, belittling her by stopping mid sentence, ogling, staring etc.....

 

THAT is completely unacceptable and any man or woman who accepts that from their partner is accepting disrespect.

Edited June 4, 2015 by mammasita

[berniev]

OMG, THIS is complete BULL ****.

 

Yes, it is human nature to admire beauty. Everyone looks, everyone admires. THAT will never change nor stop.

 

I look, my man looks....**** my son looks.

 

The problem is that the OPs husband makes it known to her and in the process is, IMO, belittling her by stopping mid sentence, ogling, staring etc.....

 

THAT is completely unacceptable and any man or woman who accepts that from their partner is accepting disrespect.

 

No need to escalate this. I don't think he's doing it deliberately, certainly not to belittling her, and certainly not just based on her side of story.

 

Unless I see a non-staged video, I am going to say he does this just like every other human instead of jumping into any other conclusion.

[redtail]

I'm of the opinion that simply being male does not excuse bad behavior.

[GorillaTheater]

No need to escalate this. I don't think he's doing it deliberately, certainly not to belittling her, and certainly not just based on her side of story.

 

Unless I see a non-staged video, I am going to say he does this just like every other human instead of jumping into any other conclusion.

 

Well, all we have to go on is her description, which makes it pretty plain that what we're talking about is more than just an appreciative glance, which I agree is pretty normal for both men and women, and is more like outright ogling, which IS disrespectful of your SO.

 

This doesn't have to be another gender war. The principles are pretty basic.

[1_trick_pony]

I had a similar issue with my boyfriend. I'm confident in my looks and confident in his attraction to me. The issue was looooooong stare, and nearly gaped mouth. I was less angry than embarrassed for him, I felt he was cartoonish.

 

We discussed it and I said something like this (advice taken from various sources, friends articles etc):

 

I understand the desire to look at attractive people, I look at attractive people. I feel that you have the right to look at attractive people. You are human, it's a free world, I don't believe in thought control.

 

However I deserve respect, the women you look at deserve respect and the partners of the women you look at (if applicable) deserve respect. Which means, look for a few moments, enjoy, smile if eye contact is made, then move on with your day and your life.

 

He accepted this and things have improved vastly over the years, but long standing behavior doesn't change overnight. I was/am pleased with the efforts and don't harp on the slip-ups.

 

Good luck