jen1447 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Well, all we have to go on is her description, which makes it pretty plain that what we're talking about is more than just an appreciative glance, which I agree is pretty normal for both men and women, and is more like outright ogling, which IS disrespectful of your SO. This doesn't have to be another gender war. The principles are pretty basic. At the risk of sounding mean or judgmental, this could be a matter of idiocy - either social idiocy or just plain idiocy. And I mean literally. We all know those people who seem to always say the wrong things in social situations, blurt out inappropriate statements, have no filter, etc., right? I don't think those people are always willfully harmful, they just simply don't know any better and can't seem to learn ....due to some deficiency I'm guessing. That could be OP's man too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I don't think those people are always willfully harmful, they just simply don't know any better and can't seem to learn ....due to some deficiency I'm guessing. That could be OP's man too. I refuse to believe that otherwise reasonable people can't learn, won't... maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 It's called being a man. All men do it. Suggest you try to look together with him and enjoy it with him. Some women are surely beautiful to admire. It actually has more to do with your own insecurity. No, all men don't gawk at women, they look, perhaps smile that that's it. If they are with a bunch of guys, occasionally a comment is made. Mostly innocent. If I were with my lady and I gawked, I'd expect to get slapped, and would deserve it. Also, girls look at guys too, and they talk, also mostly innocent. But even for them, inappropriate to gawk and some guy when with their guy. This guy needs to change his ways... pronto. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Unless I see a non-staged video, I am going to say he does this just like every other human instead of jumping into any other conclusion. Don't have to see the video because I see some version of this guy out and about nearly every day. There's a difference between the confidence of noticing those around you and the obvious insensitivity of gawking, leering and staring. Not to mention how creepy and awkward it must be for the object of his attention. For some reason, guys with headphones seem more prone to this and other strange behaviors. It's as though they think their lack of ambient hearing make them invisible to other people... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 At the risk of sounding mean or judgmental, this could be a matter of idiocy - either social idiocy or just plain idiocy. And I mean literally. We all know those people who seem to always say the wrong things in social situations, blurt out inappropriate statements, have no filter, etc., right? I don't think those people are always willfully harmful, they just simply don't know any better and can't seem to learn ....due to some deficiency I'm guessing. That could be OP's man too. I've been the object of men gawking at me when with their wives/girlfriends. So gross. What I've noticed is that men never openly gawk at me when I'm with my husband. They can learn social rules. They aren't idiots, and don't want to piss off a man by ogling his wife. They just don't respect women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 For some reason, guys with headphones seem more prone to this and other strange behaviors. It's as though they think their lack of ambient hearing make them invisible to other people... Mr. Lucky Ok, maybe those guys are idiots Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 It's natural for him to a sneak a peek but it's disrespectful to be too blatant about it when with a woman. That applies whether with wife, sister, mother, daughter, female friend or whoever. Make sure you look your best and attract a few glances yourself, maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I've been the object of men gawking at me when with their wives/girlfriends. So gross. What I've noticed is that men never openly gawk at me when I'm with my husband. They can learn social rules. They aren't idiots, and don't want to piss off a man by ogling his wife. They just don't respect women. Are you really prepared to say that categorically tho based solely on your own experience? I refuse to believe that otherwise reasonable people can't learn, won't... maybe. I think you'd be surprised. My dad's one of those people who can't be made to not make insensitive comments. (Not sexual, just like the "Oh you're that recently divorced friend of Jen's, aren't you?" type thing.) He just Does. Not. Get it, and no amount of shaming or berating him will fix it. He's not trying to deliberately be mean in the slightest. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I think you'd be surprised. My dad's one of those people who can't be made to not make insensitive comments. (Not sexual, just like the "Oh you're that recently divorced friend of Jen's, aren't you?" type thing.) He just Does. Not. Get it, and no amount of shaming or berating him will fix it. He's not trying to deliberately be mean in the slightest. But does that excuse the behavior? I've heard racist comments framed in the same "that's just the way I was brought up" rationale... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Are you really prepared to say that categorically tho based solely on your own experience? Maybe the OP can pay attention and see if her husband gawks at women with a big, strong man at her side. If not, he most certainly can control his impulse. Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 OK, your husband is terrible. Now what are you doing to do about it? LOL. Seriously, don't make this too much of a big deal. If it really bothers you, try this way. See if he could agree to certain small punishment. Like each time he gawks at women for more than 2 seconds, he gives you $20. Every additional second adds another $20. Talk and apologies are cheap; money is real!!! LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 OK, your husband is terrible. Now what are you doing to do about it? LOL. Seriously, don't make this too much of a big deal. If it really bothers you, try this way. See if he could agree to certain small punishment. Like each time he gawks at women for more than 2 seconds, he gives you $20. Every additional second adds another $20. Talk and apologies are cheap; money is real!!! LOL. Money is not a good solution for a married couple.... Heck, she takes the twenty and gives it back when he needs something. Heck, I do that with $100s with my GF and visa versa.... whenever she needs it. Absolutely no incentive. Now, if my GF slapped me, and I deserved it, that would CLEARLY send me a very painful message.... and it would last for months! Do what gets the job done. Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Money is not a good solution for a married couple.... Heck, she takes the twenty and gives it back when he needs something. Heck, I do that with $100s with my GF and visa versa.... whenever she needs it. Absolutely no incentive. Now, if my GF slapped me, and I deserved it, that would CLEARLY send me a very painful message.... and it would last for months! Do what gets the job done. Why resort to violence? Think of some other way if the finance is not separate. Like doing dishes or house chores... I can think of 50 different ways. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Stopping mid sentence to gawk, is over dramatic and is a deliberate act Either that, OR he is completely oblivious that he is doing it. So it is either what you said - that he uses it as a tool for power and keeping control of her OR He has zero impulse control and just can't help himself. Neither is a good thing. The first means he is manipulative and the second means if one of these women flirted and wanted him, he would not be able to resist. Look - it doesn't matter if he thinks you are just being silly or insecure. You aren't asking a lot of him. It's easy enough to change his behavior if he cares about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Punish humiliation with humiliation. Walk up to the woman and apologize to her for your husband's boorish behavior. Then make nice girl talk 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I wouldn't put up with his completely disrespectful crap. His ass would be right out the door. I hear you. And I hear you in Lois Griffin's voice, talking about Peter, which makes reading your post quite amusing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 It's easy enough to change his behavior if he cares about you. BUT he hasn't stopped has he? Yes, I wish I could get him to stop. When I point it out to him he reacts in one of three ways: 1. "Oh, I didn't even realize I was doing it!" 2. "I'm sorry, I'm trying to stop." 3. "This again? Really, your insecurity is getting old." That last one makes me so angry!!!! I'm not at all insecure. I know I could get a man at a drop of a hat, but that's not the point! I do feel as if he is "choosing" these women over me because he has does this over and over again. I don't want to feel like I'm starting to hate him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 But does that excuse the behavior? I've heard racist comments framed in the same "that's just the way I was brought up" rationale... Mr. Lucky I wasn't really pointing to the upbringing thing, just a simple and profound inability of discretion. If the OP's guy had that, it might excuse the behavior. It would be similar to a mentally retarded person not being entirely accountable for their words or actions, or someone with Tourette Syndrome. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 BUT he hasn't stopped has he? Exactly! Which means he either doesn't care if it hurts her, he WANTS it to hurt her, he is just completely oblivious and doesn't get what he is doing, or he is selfish and values being able to ogle women over being kind to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Punish humiliation with humiliation. Walk up to the woman and apologize to her for your husband's boorish behavior. Then make nice girl talk That works too. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I think you'd be surprised. My dad's one of those people who can't be made to not make insensitive comments. (Not sexual, just like the "Oh you're that recently divorced friend of Jen's, aren't you?" type thing.) He just Does. Not. Get it, and no amount of shaming or berating him will fix it. He's not trying to deliberately be mean in the slightest. Are you really prepared to say that categorically tho based solely on your own experience? Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 (edited) And when I mean looking, I mean staring...sometimes stopping in the middle of his sentence to gawk. He admits he has a problem and has tried to look at his shoes when he realizes he's doing it. But this is a constant problem everywhere... whether we're in the store, church, gym, restaurant, etc Get a remote controlled shock collar for him and every time he gawks just zap him. That'll teach him! JK lol, but you have to admit the visual is pretty funny Edited June 4, 2015 by caringsister 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Why resort to violence? Think of some other way if the finance is not separate. Like doing dishes or house chores... I can think of 50 different ways. :-) Berniev, A slap in the face is NOT violence... it's not meant to be hard enough to hurt physically, just sending an emotional message. I would accept that as a serious message, and if I derived it, I would fix it. Others may feel different, like doing dishes or house chores... I already do those. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pondhawk Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 I have the same issue with my husband,anyway when we go in street i always make sure to look my best and the looks i get from guys make him react,,suddenly he wants to hold hands ,or hug or a kiss haha ,,its cute Ha ha! Yes! He HATES it when men look at me and when we work out together and he notices someone looking, all of a sudden he'll put his arm around me or kiss me. He's playing a double standard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I think you'd be surprised. My dad's one of those people who can't be made to not make insensitive comments. (Not sexual, just like the "Oh you're that recently divorced friend of Jen's, aren't you?" type thing.) He just Does. Not. Get it, and no amount of shaming or berating him will fix it. He's not trying to deliberately be mean in the slightest.Are you really prepared to say that categorically tho based solely on your own experience? About my dad? Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts