Conflicted in a "LDR"

[gozone77]

I hope to get some advice about the relationship I'm in but first want to clarify that I feel a little strange calling it a LDR. We live 68 miles apart, but without traffic that means a little more than an hour drive. The times without traffic are rare, so we can only get together on weekends. It's a bit like planning for vacation every weekend. And we can't do anything Friday nights because traffic means we don't get to each other's place until late. Sometimes, rushing around and living out of a suitcase on weekends gets old.

 

Anyway...

 

Re-entered the dating scene last year and met this woman last summer. She's wonderful with a lot of qualities I look for. Due to the distance and her having her kids every other weekend, we were able to chat on the phone every night for a couple weeks before actually meeting. When we met, we felt very natural together.

 

Despite initially seeing each other only every other weekend, the relationship developed rapidly. After 3 months, I met her kids, and then we were together every weekend. Usually, I drive to her place (just easier). She's come to really adore me. I was equally infatuated at first, but although I very much find her an amazing woman, frustration has been growing within me of late.

 

It seems hard to share quality time together. She's a busy lady. I have my own things to do, but she has a more-than-full-time job, kids half time, a big house to maintain, works out every day (something we share), some routine appointments every week...and all that leaves her pretty tired. We chat on the phone almost every day, but she usually calls only when she's on the road going somewhere. Many nights, she'll call at 8:30 to let me know she's tired and going to bed. Even on weekends we're together, she'll sometimes go to bed earlier than I'm even ready to.

 

When she has the kids, well, the weekends are all about them. No issues there. When she doesn't, we'll usually work out together once or go out to eat or see a movie, but especially lately, she just wants to relax.

 

I start to realize the distance plays into long-term plans, too. She's tied to where she is now because of the kids. 10 years from now, when they're done with high school, she wants to move closer to my area. I don't want to move to her area because it's so far from my work (2 hours each way in traffic), and I can't really find any other suitable work much closer. It's also much hotter than I am comfortable with.

 

During the weeks, I find myself increasingly lonely. It often feels like I'm really single. When she's tired or busy and doesn't have time to even chat for more than a couple minutes before going to bed at 8:30, it's tough.

 

I should be and am grateful to have met a woman I admire and who loves me, but I'm feeling increasingly alone and frustrated. I'll meet a friend for dinner now and then, but that's not the complete answer.

 

I haven't done the long-distance thing before, so any insights are greatly appreciated!

[TMichaels]

... She's come to really adore me. I was equally infatuated at first, but although I very much find her an amazing woman, frustration has been growing within me of late....

 

It seems hard to share quality time together. She's a busy lady. I have my own things to do, but she has a more-than-full-time job,... Many nights, she'll call at 8:30 to let me know she's tired and going to bed. Even on weekends we're together, she'll sometimes go to bed earlier than I'm even ready to.

 

When she has the kids, well, the weekends are all about them... When she doesn't, we'll usually work out together once or go out to eat or see a movie, but especially lately, she just wants to relax.

 

...She's tied to where she is now because of the kids. 10 years from now, when they're done with high school, she wants to move closer to my area. I don't want to move to her area because it's so far from my work (2 hours each way in traffic), and I can't really find any other suitable work much closer. It's also much hotter than I am comfortable with.

 

During the weeks, I find myself increasingly lonely. It often feels like I'm really single. When she's tired or busy and doesn't have time to even chat for more than a couple minutes before going to bed at 8:30, it's tough.

 

I should be and am grateful to have met a woman I admire and who loves me, but I'm feeling increasingly alone and frustrated. I'll meet a friend for dinner now and then, but that's not the complete answer.

 

I haven't done the long-distance thing before, so any insights are greatly appreciated!

 

Umm, sorry to say I don't think you're cut out to handle this relationship in the long-haul, let alone long-distance.

 

The weekends are a chore and a bore, her kids come first. She goes to bed too early, and you don't much like having to be the one to travel to her, even though "it's easier" than if she were to make the trek.

 

If you've known and been dating this woman for less than a year and you're already fed up, how in heck do you think you'll last a decade until her kids have flown the coop?

 

And seriously? One of the reasons you won't move to her area is that "it's hotter there than you're comfortable with?"

 

Okay, if you were from frigid Thunder Bay and she lived in sultry Metairie, I might be willing to agree you have a valid concern. But, by your own admission you're 68 miles apart yet the climate is so vastly different that you're worried about having heat stroke? Oh please... c'mon!

 

Sorry gozone77, your problem really isn't the geographical distance that's between you. You want HER to make YOU her Number One Priority and you're miffed that she doesn't.

 

... I should be and am grateful to have met a woman I admire and who loves me, but I'm feeling increasingly alone and frustrated. I'll meet a friend for dinner now and then, but that's not the complete answer.

 

Yeah, you should be grateful, as any woman who would make room in her life for someone who's so needy and self-centered has got to be something special.

 

Timing is everything, gozone77. But, perseverance, a willingness to compromise and sacrifice are a very close second -- especially in a LDR.

 

I don't see evidence of any of those qualities in you from what you've written. Before the number of nights you spend with "friends" gets out of hand, do the poor woman a favor, and just call it a day.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited June 4, 2015 by TMichaels

[coryreply]

Yeah, you should be grateful, as any woman who would make room in her life for someone who's so needy and self-centered has got to be something special.

 

This seems kind of harsh to me. But maybe you're right, T.

 

OP, are you really so self-centered and needy?

[gozone77]

I appreciate the honest replies so far, TMichaels and coryreply, even when they hurt a little....

 

I'm no Mother Theresa, but my family and close friends typically say I could stand to be a little more selfish/assertive (or self-confident, as you may). FWIW, when I was married, I stayed in an abusive relationship far too long largely because I kept worrying about how she felt and what she was doing rather than worrying about myself and my own boundaries.

 

I don't expect or desire to be #1 in my girlfriend's life. It wouldn't be fair. With her kids, our distance apart, and how busy we can both be, I know she does what she can, and I'm grateful for that. TMichaels' post led me to spend some time reflecting on what else I might appreciate about her and what she does.

 

What do we want out of committed relationship, though? I'm sure there are similarities and differences between different peoples' desires and expectations. This is a large part of what I'm weighing.

 

I do wish I could spend more time with her and do more for and with her. Practicality deems that impossible for many years, however. Having been alone in a large sense for most of my life, and close or married to an abusive person for another significant part, and now seeing my friends marrying and settling into families of their own...I'm trying to weigh where I am and where I'm going.

 

Yes, I'm trying to figure out how to handle the disconnection and yearning I feel while being in a committed relationship. If along the way, it turns out I'm a narcissist or whatnot, I'm not going to shy from learning and getting better as a person.