Is Webcam cheating? Is looking at photos/vids of ex?

[fridaslotus]

Hi all,

In an awesome relationship with a guy that I love. He's very into me as well, and asked me to be exclusive, his "girlfriend", told me he loved me, and has led the relationship pace. He's a very good looking man, probably was a 10 in his younger days and now at 42 and a little overweight is probably an 8. Women find him very attractive, as do I. I'm a little overweight too (recently went down from 177lbs to 135lbs before I met him), and I am probably a 7 on a great day, but my personality has always helped me pull guys way hotter than me, and usually have been in longterm relationships with them. We started out as friends and have been together now for 6 months, and he's always talking about marriage, kids, and how we are soulmates because we are the same on so many levels (musicians, creatives, intelligence, spirituality, both have high sex drives, want the same things for the future etc).

 

Recently through snooping (yes, I know I know it sucks) I found out that at the beginning of our relationship(before we even kissed, when we were just friends) he was questioning my physicality with his friends via text, telling them I'm amazing but not his usual physical type (which we'd both discussed before), commented on my stretch marks, and nose, and bum. Since then, he's asked me to be committed to him, we have a good sex life, and he tells me loves me a lot and talks about our future together a lot.

 

Found out by going through his computer (as I'm a bit paranoid given our history and him being "on the fence" about me physically for a while) that he is looking at pics and videos of his ridiculously hot but crazy exgirlfriend on his computer. He also goes to webcam sites. Is this cheating? Is this okay? I'm not sure what to make of it, and its making me insecure in the relationship. I haven't discussed with him as I have no prob with him looking at porn, AND I don't want to admit I snooped.

 

Any POVs-- especially men's would be really appreciated!

[barcode88]

You sound crazy for spying on him like that.... And no webcam sites aren't cheating it's basically porn.

[fridaslotus]

You sound crazy for spying on him like that.... And no webcam sites aren't cheating it's basically porn.

 

Why is it crazy if I knew something was amiss? Isn't looking at sex videos of your ex while in a new relationship a little disrespectful?

[minime13]

Why is it crazy if I knew something was amiss? Isn't looking at sex videos of your ex while in a new relationship a little disrespectful?

 

Spying on your boyfriend is disrespectful. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You didn't have a right to do that. People check out their exes (pictures, and I'm sure that if we had exes that made sex videos we may check it out). Webcam sites are porn sites.

 

What can you do. You can't bring it up without him knowing. You don't trust him and you're going through his private things. It isn't right.

 

Sounds like this relationship is at the beginning of the end.

[fridaslotus]

Spying on your boyfriend is disrespectful. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

You didn't have a right to do that. People check out their exes (pictures, and I'm sure that if we had exes that made sex videos we may check it out). Webcam sites are porn sites.

 

What can you do. You can't bring it up without him knowing. You don't trust him and you're going through his private things. It isn't right.

 

Sounds like this relationship is at the beginning of the end.

 

It's not that simple-- he has a history of cheating (which he swears he'd never do again), I'm coming out of a marriage with a pathological liar and have a hard time trusting (in counselling for this).

 

And I do agree its disrespectful, I feel crappy about it, but I find it hard not to do it (which I'm in counselling for).

[PegNosePete]

I'd suggest you not get caught up on the technicalities of whether it's cheating or not, whether it's OK, etc. Is his behaviour acceptable to you? Obviously it isn't, and you have a problem with it. And for what it's worth, it wouldn't be acceptable to me either. If I were in your position I would tell him that this kind of thing is not acceptable to me and if he wants to carry on this relationship, he needs to cut it out. Drooling over exes and having webcam sex chats is not something that people who love and respect their partner do.

 

Don't bring up how you found out, and don't let him turn it around onto you for snooping. Keep the discussion focused on on his inappropriate behaviour.

Edited June 4, 2015 by PegNosePete

[minime13]

It's not that simple-- he has a history of cheating (which he swears he'd never do again), I'm coming out of a marriage with a pathological liar and have a hard time trusting (in counselling for this).

 

And I do agree its disrespectful, I feel crappy about it, but I find it hard not to do it (which I'm in counselling for).

 

How long ago did you divorce? Did he bring up his history of cheating openly, or did you already know this information and have to ask him about it?

[Arieswoman]

fridaslotus,

I am sorry you are in the position of having your confidence knocked again.

 

It's not that simple-- he has a history of cheating (which he swears he'd never do again),

 

^^^^^^^^

 

This is a red flag. They all swear they'll "never do it again". That translates as "next time I won't get caught".

 

I found out that at the beginning of our relationship(before we even kissed, when we were just friends) he was questioning my physicality with his friends via text, telling them I'm amazing but not his usual physical type (which we'd both discussed before), commented on my stretch marks, and nose, and bum.

 

^^^^ You should have walked at this point. That was downright disrespectful, discussing you as if you were an object - that's just not nice.

 

My advice to you, which you probably won't like is to dump this guy. If he wants to sit in front of a computer jerking off that's his choice - he sounds to me like he has a lot of problems.

 

Forget about dating for the moment. You've come out of a relationship with someone who's been screwing with your head and you need to get that sorted and build your confidence again.

This guy is doing nothing for you except eroding your self-esteem and disrespecting you.

 

Stick with the counselling as long as you need.

 

You need to get out now before you become psychologically damaged again.

 

And this advice comes from someone who was married for 7 years to someone who was a liar, cheat and gaslighter. And I spent quite some time in therapy/counselling before I recovered my mental equlibrium.

 

There are nice guys out there who would rather take you out bowling than sit at home in front of a screen doing the five-fingered shuffle. You need to go find them.

 

Good luck. x

Edited June 4, 2015 by Arieswoman

[fridaslotus]

How long ago did you divorce? Did he bring up his history of cheating openly, or did you already know this information and have to ask him about it?

 

He was open about it-- it was his first relationship (the mother of his child) and 20 years ago-- he's never done it since, and seems incredibly remorseful about it.

[fridaslotus]

fridaslotus,

I am sorry you are in the position of having your confidence knocked again.

 

 

 

^^^^^^^^

 

This is a red flag. They all swear they'll "never do it again". That translates as "next time I won't get caught".

 

 

 

^^^^ You should have walked at this point. That was downright disrespectful, discussing you as if you were an object - that's just not nice.

 

My advice to you, which you probably won't like is to dump this guy. If he wants to sit in front of a computer jerking off that's his choice - he sounds to me like he has a lot of problems.

 

Forget about dating for the moment. You've come out of a relationship with someone who's been screwing with your head and you need to get that sorted and build your confidence again.

This guy is doing nothing for you except eroding your self-esteem and disrespecting you.

 

Stick with the counselling as long as you need.

 

You need to get out now before you become psychologically damaged again.

 

And this advice comes from someone who was married for 7 years to someone who was a liar, cheat and gaslighter. And I spent quite some time in therapy/counselling before I recovered my mental equlibrium.

 

There are nice guys out there who would rather take you out bowling than sit at home in front of a screen doing the five-fingered shuffle. You need to go find them.

 

Good luck. x

 

Thanks Arieswoman, I appreciate the advice. It's hard, incredibly hard, because I've never had any connection with anyone like the one we have. But you're right on some levels, I know it and don't want to face it. Ultimately I have no problem with a partner looking at porn when I'm not around, we don't live together and only see each other twice a week, so it really doesn't bother me... But looking at videos of an ex, yes, that's a worry.

 

 

But you're right, he's been used to objectifying women, and did to me at first, and I called him out on it. He's a very sensitive person but with a history of being with physically spectacular women who weren't good for him in the long run, he knows I'm much more than they are ever are/were, and makes sure he tells me how incredible and unique I am constantly...

Edited June 4, 2015 by fridaslotus

[amaysngrace]

He set you up to be insecure the minute he made derogatory comments about your physical appearance then fed you the "soul mates" line.

 

He's a player and a cheat. You deserve better.

[TaraMaiden2]

He was disrespectful - and PegNosePete is right. You need to talk to him about it, because even if he tries to turn the snooping round on you, you have to find the courage to tell him that while you agree snooping is unreasonable, given your personal history and the way your ex treated you, it's understandable your confidence is knocked - but it seems your snooping brought some justification.

 

Ask him, with everything he knows about you, and his previous record of objectifying women - ask him how he could do this to you, and how he can justify his behaviour?

 

If he gives you responses you still feel uneasy about, then really do stop and consider how this is making you feel..

Genuine remorse is great if a person admits to their behaviour, and confesses.

Remorse is more questionable as genuine, when they're sorry because they've been discovered.

 

because had they NOT been discovered, the behaviour would continue.

 

What is this relationship NOW doing FOR you?

[SummerDreams]

The fact that in your opening post you mention both your physical appearances and grade them as well shows me you have some issues you have to solve before you are ready to commit to someone and be happy with him. This guy has disrespected you plain and simple. Focus on yourself and your issues and stop torturing yourself with what such a person does.

[Lois_Griffin]

It's not that simple-- he has a history of cheating (which he swears he'd never do again), I'm coming out of a marriage with a pathological liar and have a hard time trusting (in counselling for this).

 

And I do agree its disrespectful, I feel crappy about it, but I find it hard not to do it (which I'm in counselling for).

Jeez, the lectures on the snooping do get old. It's usually the ones who cry foul the loudest about it that reduce themselves to doing the same damned thing - and completely forget the high road - when they're in the same exact position and their guts are screaming to them. So take it with a grain of salt .

 

It sounds to me as though you're almost crippled by insecurity where this guy is concerned. I got that the second I started reading your post when you felt the need to give him a score of 10 then an 8 and then scored yourself.

 

I too met a guy many years ago that had cheated all throughout his 20 year marriage and claimed he was now a new person and hated all the lying and deceit he used to be involved in and he wanted to live an authentic life and be a better guy now, and blah blah blah. I think he tried for a while but you know what? He hadn't changed. He eventually went right back to being the sleazy cheater he'd always been.

 

This idiot is too old to be acting like some 16 year old kid in the locker room, discussing your flaws and telling his buddies he's not sure if you're hot enough for him. He obviously thinks pretty highly of himself.

 

If you stay with this jackass, I guarantee you he'll cheat. He's not 'remorseful' for having cheated over 20 years ago. That's just an act so you'll think he's a good guy and because he knows that's what you'd expect to hear from him. He's too busy feeding his loser ego to worry about how he hurt anyone. What a joke.

 

This guy is a snake. If his ex-girlfriend was so sexy and hot that he has to watch videos of her, then why aren't they still together - especially since he's apparently such a catch? I'm sure he fed you some lie about why they broke up, but he probably cheated on her too. Throw him back in the snake pit.

[elaine567]

YOU think that this guy is "a catch" and at a 7 (your grading) you are "lucky" to have him, but I guess, he is not the catch your mind is making him up to be, in order for you to put up with him and his behaviour.

He is a self confessed cheater who has disrespected you in front of his friends and who is now revisiting the glory days of sex with his ex and wanking off to webcams and chatting to naked hot women.

 

He is not Prince Charming, just some ageing, fat guy with a penchant for porn and an obsession with his ex gf - get real.

But putting all that aside, this man is bringing you down and that is why you need to bin him for your own sanity.

Out of the frying pan into the fire comes to mind here.

[SummerDreams]

YOU think that this guy is "a catch" and at a 7 (your grading) you are "lucky" to have him, but I guess, he is not the catch your mind is making him up to be, in order for you to put up with him and his behaviour.

He is a self confessed cheater who has disrespected you in front of his friends and who is now revisiting the glory days of sex with his ex and wanking off to webcams and chatting to naked hot women.

 

He is not Prince Charming, just some ageing, fat guy with a penchant for porn and an obsession with his ex gf - get real.

But putting all that aside, this man is bringing you down and that is why you need to bin him for your own sanity.

Out of the frying pan into the fire comes to mind here.

 

Elaine I just adore you, I had to say this.

[elaine567]

Elaine I just adore you, I had to say this.

Thank you. :)

[smackie9]

This is the honeymoon stage of your relationship and he is obsessing over pics of his ex, and needs to see chicks masturbating in real time. It's not going to be any better than this. He paints a pretty picture with his words, but his hidden actions speaks volumes don't they? Talk of marriage and kids is just that TALK, and should never be taken as promises. You can't be that special to him, and it's already making you feel less to him.

 

He ain't all that, you can do better...get real.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, webcam sessions and getting off to videos of exes is not acceptable in my books. And it doesn't sound like it's ok in yours either.

 

I'd also have a big problem that he was questioning my looks with his friends. It's one thing to say you're maybe not his usual physical type, but I would wager that many men would follow that up with a comment about how he finds you beautiful anyway and is glad for this refreshing change. It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend did that.

 

These problems tell me that he doesn't value you a heck of a lot. I think you really need to re-consider this relationship and whether you want someone like this as your boyfriend.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Sorry that you've discovered your bf's true character. Tearing down your physicality with his friends via text is something that boys in high school do - it's NOT something that supposedly mature and respectable 40 year olds do. That was your WARNING.

 

And omg, you found out that he's not only getting aroused by and jerking off to porn sex vids of his ex-gf, he's also jerking off to LIVE webcams?!?!? Holy crap. That was your LESSON.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't have even said ANYTHING to him, I would've just sent him a 'text' (since he likes dissing and talking about YOU that way to his friends) saying that it's OVER. Then, I would've instantly gone NC and would've BLOCKED HIM in *every way* and on *every level*. Eventually, he probably would figure out why you dumped him; although, he probably wouldn't even care because he'd be too busy wanking to live webcams and to his ex's porn vids and pics. He is absolutely perverted, selfish, deceitful, disrespectful (to YOU), manipulative and DISGUSTING.

 

 

As an out of shape 40-something perv (who you think is an '8') who does NOT respect you, does NOT truly love you and does NOT truly care about you, he is NOT going to change his ways, OP. Trust me on this...I know. I've been where you are. It doesn't matter if you 'discuss it' with him. It doesn't matter if he apologizes to you and tells you that he'll 'never do it again'. And it doesn't matter if he castigates you for 'snooping on him'. Discussing it with him will only give him the opportunity to gaslight you and to brainwash you into whatever he wants you to believe and think. There's really NOTHING for you to 'discuss' with him...seriously.

 

I know that you love and care about him, that you both have discussed marriage, kids and a future together .....but um, honestly...do you really want to become engaged to and eventually marry a dishonest, disrespectful and manipulative perv who talks about your physical imperfections to others and who jerks off to his ex-gf's sex vids?? If you place all of your feelings and emotions for him aside for a few minutes and view your situation and your bf as an outside observer (like we are on this forum), you'll quickly come to the same conclusion as the rest of us are.

 

You KNOW what you have to do...and what you NEED to do...for YOU. For your emotional and spiritual health and well-being. And, IGNORE the people on here (and in your social circle) who lecture you and try to make YOU feel guilty for 'snooping' on your bf and 'invading HIS privacy'. Please.

 

Because, had you NOT suspected him of ANY wrongdoing and had you NOT had a gut feeling that he was HIDING something from you, you would have NEVER had the need nor desire to 'snoop'. So do NOT EVER feel bad about doing that, okay? Had I not done that to my ex-h, I NEVER would've found out about the lying cheating BASTARD that he truly was. He was REALLY VERY good at lying to me (and to others)! But, when I couldn't ignore my intuition any longer, I 'invaded HIS privacy' on his phone and on our FAMILY computer and found out the horrors of what he was doing behind my back.

 

 

You need to break up with this guy NOW ...and begin the healing process and stick to the NC rule. Mark my words OP: He will NEVER EVER change. Ever. If you want to live with his perverted and disrespectful 'activities', then remain in a relationship with him. But - if you DO NOT want to live with this - you DON'T HAVE TO.

 

 

Whatever you decide to do, good luck OP. And God Bless.

 

 

.

[Qboro90]

The webcam sites aren't that big of a deal, however if it is something that bothers you then it IS a big deal. A way you can broach the subject without being outed for snooping is to ask to use his computer for something harmless (looking up a movie/restaurant/etc) and then pull the "whoa whoa whoa, what's this?" Act on him. Keep in mind youd need to do this spontaneously in order to prevent him from clearing his history.

 

As far as the pics of his ex, that's just a talk you need to have with him. Explain if he respects you and is an adult who doesn't need to relive past glories then he will delete all the photos of her or any other ex's.

 

The comment he made to his friends may also be his insecurity about their opinions. Immature yes but as a guy I can tell you my friends opinions matter so if he is explaining to them "yea she's not a Victoria secret model but I've dated those kinds of girls before and they've proven to be crazy so this girl (you) is down to earth and wonderful etc. He might just be justifying his reasons for dating you to his buddies as childish as that seems, it does happen. If his actions tell you he is committed to you then I see no reason to bail just yet until you have a conversation with him outlying your feelings.

[kendahke]

It's not that simple-- he has a history of cheating (which he swears he'd never do again), I'm coming out of a marriage with a pathological liar and have a hard time trusting (in counselling for this).

 

And I do agree its disrespectful, I feel crappy about it, but I find it hard not to do it (which I'm in counselling for).

 

When did you leave your marriage? If you haven't been able to resolve your own issues of distrust, then you didn't belong a new relationship. You're not emotionally ready to be with anyone if you can't trust anyone.

 

Right now, you're as deceitful as those you're in therapy for. The fact that you haven't told this guy you've been snooping behind his back makes you no better than he is. You're lying by omission by not telling him what you did to find out what you have.

 

He's running his relationships by committee, which is the most immature thing one can do, and not giving up his ex. Yes, the older one gets, the less one finds those who've maintained their physique from their 20's, but one thing that should keep developing is wisdom and integrity, which it seems hasn't been the case with him. Perhaps he never needed to do that considering the line of work he's been in, but by a certain age, it gets tragic if he hasn't.

 

The webcam thing, IMO, isn't cheating. It's porn and if he's using it instead of turning to you, then he's not as invested in you as you are in him. To me, cheating is real-time investment in someone he knows and is in daily contact with, not mooning over pics of ex's. No, it's not right and I'm not condoning what he has done--my nose would be out of joint, too--it is inappropriate for someone who is leading me to believe that he's investing in me and I would take a huge step back.

 

Have you discussed all of this with your therapist?

Edited June 6, 2015 by kendahke

[Morbius]

Fridaslotus,

 

You snooped because your gut told you something. Considering your history with a liar, and the knowledge this man is/was a cheater you listened and made several discoveries that may end this relationship. I wouldn't feel like crap for protecting you by investigating. In fact I applaud you for hearing and acting instead of waiting until it was to late.

 

As many have rightfully pointed out, this person has disrespected you to his acquaintances by discussing your physical appearance in a highly negative and hurtful manner.

 

Then he has the audacity after committing to you, he goes on the internet to look at his ex in all her supposed glory, doing god knows what. I understand your stance on porn, and commend you for that, but to look at his ex, then add the insult of him talking about your body to friends is just way out there, and just plain sucks.

 

You described yourself and him with numbers. It sounds like you are dissing your physical appearance and playing up your personality. I suggest you hold your head high and be proud of the whole you. From a male POV I want the entire woman not just her personality, and certainly not just her body. We all have our flaws but that is our beauty or how handsome we are. In my eyes the purpose is to love everything, not bits and pieces. Supposed flaws are to be cherished, not belittled to others. Why not accentuate all of you? I also want to commend you for getting healthier too, be proud of your accomplishment.

 

I hope this person did not hurt your self esteem. The entire you is worth more than the individual pieces. Trust in that.

 

The difficult road would be to tell him you 'snooped'. He probably will be upset, and either let you go, or use magic words to make you feel better.

 

To me the bottom line is, do you want to be with someone whose mind is on another woman? The same philosophy is true for women too. They want the whole man, not just his body, but his personality too.

 

He is checking out his ex, and in my opinion despite his words, has checked out on you.