Is it common for a gf to slap during argument?

[DerekL93]

Well don't want to sound like I'm making a big deal out of this (or maybe I am and I shouldn't even be talking about this) but I'm starting to wonder if this is even common or normal. I'm starting to think it isn't. I guess if I've chosen to even write about this, it must mean something isn't right and I haven't been feeling too well lately. It's not the first nor second time but on any type of argument when she feels she doesn't get her way out of something. Though just last week, she actually backhanded me instead of it usually being a slap, a bit harder.

 

This is really my first relationship, we've been dating for nearly 2 years and well this is the only problem but she doesn't remain angry for the longest. Things go back to normal after about 20 minutes or so and it isn't often, just sometimes. Though I'm not threatened by her slaps nor her overall, it feels as if I in a relationship where I can't even disagree or I'm trying to not get her to react. Not sure if I'm being treated unfairly or do I play some role in her mood swings by perhaps failing to be more understanding towards her? Is it that I'm not trying my hardest for this relationship to work? I'm I sounding pathetic by writing this?

Edited June 4, 2015 by DerekL93

[frogs88]

No it's completely ridiculous, pathetic and immature to slap your partner because they can't 'win' an argument. Please don't believe this is anything but a normal way to handle conflict. I have a ****ing serious problem with anyone becoming physical to make their point. Being a girl doesn't give her a free pass to slap either.

[Arieswoman]

DerekL93,

This is totally unacceptable behaviour from your girlfriend..

 

You need to sit your g/f down and tell her that your are not happy with the way she is behaving, that you will not take abuse, and if she does it again you will walk.

 

Then follow that through.

 

If she isn't prepared to grow up and deal with issues/problems in a mature manner that's her choice, but you shouldn't stick around to be a punchbag.

 

Good luck.

[darkmoon]

i do not normally think counselling is in order, but as you got a surprise back-hander, this escalation requires it

 

assuming she was a good shot, this can not be the first time she has done this back-hander, imo, i would not know how to aim either slap so adroitly, for example

Edited June 4, 2015 by darkmoon

[amaysngrace]

It's not okay to slap your partner unless it's a sexy thing and you're into that.

[Radu]

Well don't want to sound like I'm making a big deal out of this (or maybe I am and I shouldn't even be talking about this) but I'm starting to wonder if this is even common or normal. I'm starting to think it isn't. I guess if I've chosen to even write about this, it must mean something isn't right and I haven't been feeling too well lately. It's not the first nor second time but on any type of argument when she feels she doesn't get her way out of something.

Ok, so it's not a 1 time thing.

 

 

Though just last week, she actually backhanded me instead of it usually being a slap, a bit harder.

It will only get harder and harder [the physical part].

Read on to see why.

 

This is really my first relationship, we've been dating for nearly 2 years and well this is the only problem but she doesn't remain angry for the longest. Things go back to normal after about 20 minutes or so and it isn't often, just sometimes.

You are describing someone with anger management issues.

Someone who follows her impulse and who thinks this is appropiate behaviour.

 

Though I'm not threatened by her slaps nor her overall, it feels as if I in a relationship where I can't even disagree or I'm trying to not get her to react

Walking on eggshells is normal for the SO of the abuser and the recipient of abuse.

 

Not sure if I'm being treated unfairly or do I play some role in her mood swings by perhaps failing to be more understanding towards her? Is it that I'm not trying my hardest for this relationship to work? I'm I sounding pathetic by writing this?

Questioning your own reality is also normal.

 

Bottom line, conclusion is that you are experiencing physical and psychological abuse.

Abusers are genderless, a man can be an abuser just as a woman can be an abuser, though men tend to go more often for physical abuse because of their physical advantage.

She most likely grew up around abuse, it's likely she learned it from a parent, and chances are it's her mom [look at the relationship between her mom and her dad].

 

Abusers are obsessed with control, they strike out [physically, verbally or emotionally] when they sense they lose control.

In effect you are in a catch 22, if you disagree with her she feels she loses control so she strikes out, but if you in time become the little mouse that you are on your way to become, you will lose her respect for not standing up for yourself.

An abuser doesn't get wiser with age, they get worse because they learn better where the limit is ... their purpose is to constantly push against the breaking limit of the abused until that limit goes lower and lower and lower ... until they [the victims] can take any kind of abuse.

 

You are well on your way to becoming that and it's obvious in your chosen language, since you seem in 2 paragraphs to make so many excuses for her.

 

There is no choice, leave ... and plan your leaving well, do not give her a headsup, ask for help from your family or friends.

Abusers are all about control and if she can't control you with violence she might control you with psychological means or manipulations.

If you live in a country like UK/Canada ... i would be prepared for the possibility that she will accuse you of abuse [because she knows police will act and this will give more control to her].

[TaraMaiden2]

There is absolutely no way that any form of physical violence meted out in anger or frustration, is acceptable in any way, shape or form whatsoever.

 

Laying your hand violently on someone as a form of control, is wholly and completely unacceptable and totally unreasonable.

 

 

Radu is absolutely correct with his advice:

Leave.

 

Seriously, LEAVE.

I wouldn't give a damn if it was two minutes, two hours, two days, two weeks, or two months.

 

Leave.

[elaine567]

This is not one slap delivered in the heat of extreme emotion, and whilst not acceptable can be understandable at some level, this is escalating violence and you should leave.

How bad can it get? She stabs you? She shoots you

Domestic abuse is not just about the pain and shock of the injury, domestic abuse erodes your whole self esteem and sense of worth, even if you think you are OK with it.

Zero tolerance, get yourself out.

[loveweary11]

Instant dump the first time!

 

I would never, for a second, tolerate any physical abuse in a relationship and even the most hot headed girls I've been with who have hit other guys figured this out very quickly.

 

Next time, make it clear in conversation (it always comes up before they do it) that it's either an instant dump or that you'll hit back. That's what I do and it's never once happened to me.

 

The most hot headed girls never cross that line with me.

 

Even my ex wife (tiny hot headed Italian). Heard how she used to hit exes and throw dishes and what not. Tokd her point blank I'd just hit her back if she did that to me and she made it 12 years without doing it.

Edited June 4, 2015 by loveweary11

[elaine567]

Instant dump the first time!

 

I would never, for a second, tolerate any physical abuse in a relationship and even the most hot headed girls I've been with who have hit other guys figured this out very quickly.

 

Next time, make it clear in conversation (it always comes up before they do it) that it's either an instant dump or that you'll hit back. That's what I do and it's never once happened to me.

 

The most hot headed girls never cross that line with me.

 

Even my ex wife (tiny hot headed Italian). Heard how she used to hit exes and throw dishes and what not. Tokd her point blank I'd just hit her back if she did that to me and she made it 12 years without doing it.

 

Whilst I agree boundaries need to be put in place, I am somewhat uncomfortable with a threat of male violence being used as a means of stopping violence. I slap you with my puny little hands, and you punch me with all your male upper body strength???

There is a threat there, is it ever good to live under a threat?

"He says he will hit me if I hit him, so what if I burn the supper, what if I disagree with him, what if I displease him in other ways...???"

The fact you make it plain that you are willing to resort to violence at all is a bit scary to hear, from a woman's perspective.

If a man hits me I would walk away. I would not threaten him with a stabbing, if he crossed that line.

[loveweary11]

Whilst I agree boundaries need to be put in place, I am somewhat uncomfortable with a threat of male violence being used as a means of stopping violence. I slap you with my puny little hands, and you punch me with all your male upper body strength???

There is a threat there, is it ever good to live under a threat?

"He says he will hit me if I hit him, so what if I burn the supper, what if I disagree with him, what if I displease him in other ways...???"

The fact you make it plain that you are willing to resort to violence at all is a bit scary to hear, from a woman's perspective.

If a man hits me I would walk away. I would not threaten him with a stabbing, if he crossed that line.

 

 

No... lol

 

It's symmetric violence, as police use.

 

I *will* hit a woman back exactly the same way she hit me. Same force.

 

I've never had to do it, since I make my absolute intolerance for physical abuse clear from the start and that has prevented even the craziest mentally ill, hot headed Italian American with a history of violence from using any in our relationship/marriage.

 

I have an extremely drama free and peaceful household. I rarely, if ever, even have arguments with girls I'm in relationships with, never mind physical violence. I have literally never instigated an argument.

 

But I make my intolerance for physical abuse of any kind clear from the start.

Edited June 4, 2015 by loveweary11

[TaraMaiden2]

I have never seen or heard of Police using 'symmetric violence'. They will use enough force to incapacitate an assailant - and I hate to inform you, but it's usually more aggressive and forceful. I've seen it, and more often than not it's been excessive, but certainly of a greater measure than that used by the supposed assailant.

 

It has to be, to show the mightier strength.

 

And let's not talk about 'symmetric police violence', in light of many recent and documented incidents recently made very internationally public, perpetrated some members of the US police forces...

[loveweary11]

I have never seen or heard of Police using 'symmetric violence'. They will use enough force to incapacitate an assailant - and I hate to inform you, but it's usually more aggressive and forceful. I've seen it, and more often than not it's been excessive, but certainly of a greater measure than that used by the supposed assailant.

 

It has to be, to show the mightier strength.

 

And let's not talk about 'symmetric police violence', in light of many recent and documented incidents recently made very internationally public, perpetrated some members of the US police forces...

 

 

 

Take a read. Maybe this will help you learn how symmetric force is used in a conflict:

 

Use of force continuum - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Police are trained in this as they should be. They don't go and shoot someone that isn't a threat to thier lives. (present media cases excepted). They escalate up through verbal, etc.

 

This same approach, done correctly, is how I deal with all violence, male or female.

[TaraMaiden2]

The best 'approach' is to not retaliate, and to walk away.

You have no way of honestly measuring whether your retaliation is of the same force or not. And if that's your picture in the profile, you look honed, fit and strong.

 

I frankly would trust you by looking at you, to believe that you'd hit me back with equal force.

And you may believe it to be the correct approach, but if a woman decides to take you to task for retaliation, and files a Police report, trying to plead your case when you're as well-built as you are, isn't frankly a risk I'd like to take, in your shoes.

[loveweary11]

The best 'approach' is to not retaliate, and to walk away.

You have no way of honestly measuring whether your retaliation is of the same force or not. And if that's your picture in the profile, you look honed, fit and strong.

 

I frankly would trust you by looking at you, to believe that you'd hit me back with equal force.

And you may believe it to be the correct approach, but if a woman decides to take you to task for retaliation, and files a Police report, trying to plead your case when you're as well-built as you are, isn't frankly a risk I'd like to take, in your shoes.

 

See, i don't care about that stuff.

 

I don't really live by society's rules in case you haven't noticed.

 

No woman I'm with would ever do what you are suggesting. I don't associate with whiney, annoying girls who play by the rules and color inside the lines. Police are not a part of a grown person's life. That's for babies (with adult bodies). Tattle tales. I only associate with strong, independent, free thinking women. I wouldn't in a million years be with one that files police reports over nothing, works a corporate 9-5 or is weak.

[loveweary11]

 

I frankly would trust you by looking at you, to believe that you'd hit me back with equal force.

 

As you should. So don't be violent.

[GorillaTheater]

As you should. So don't be violent.

 

Can't advocate ever hitting a woman back, unless you're in genuine fear for your safety and there's no escape route. And that's only a theoretical position to take because I've never been remotely close to being in that position.

 

Besides an upbringing which taught me that you don't hit girls/women, ever, there's also the legal side of things. Typically, anyone who throws a blow is going to be arrested, hitting "back" or not, particularly if you are male.

 

Should the OP bail on this relationship without even giving her another chance? He sure as hell should. But telling him to hit her back is bad advice.

[jen1447]

I certainly don't condone OP's GF's slapping, but I think it can happen for different reasons based on sex and socialization norms. Women are raised (and see experientially) that they're generally weaker than men and thus think that their strikes are generally less harmful or even superficial. That may have an effect on their willingness to do it. Likewise in some unfortunate upbringings, these sorts of attacks are almost encouraged for women as a form of 'standing up for themselves.'

 

My only point in mentioning this is just to consider that it may not be a psychosis and that a good sit-down talk setting clear boundaries for what's acceptable and what's not might fix it.

[jen1447]

Can't advocate ever hitting a woman back, unless you're in genuine fear for your safety and there's no escape route. And that's only a theoretical position to take because I've never been remotely close to being in that position.

 

Besides an upbringing which taught me that you don't hit girls/women, ever, there's also the legal side of things. Typically, anyone who throws a blow is going to be arrested, hitting "back" or not, particularly if you are male.

 

Should the OP bail on this relationship without even giving her another chance? He sure as hell should. But telling him to hit her back is bad advice.

 

Being almost always stronger and having greater reach, etc., a guy can subdue an out-of-control woman by holding her down or wrapping her up, etc. I wouldn't consider that out of line, particularly in your own home. If that's needed very much tho, there are bigger issues that need addressing.

[Keenly]

Any time one person strikes another, its domestic violence.

 

I don't give a damn about who hit who, or why they did it. If you throw a punch, or in this case a slap, you are the aggressor, and you have just committed domestic violence.

 

In this latest generation of 20 somethings, some girls have learned from their rotten mothers some where along the lines that its never okay for a man to hit a woman, but a woman is allowed to hit a man and she can get away with it.

 

That is not the case. If a woman strikes you, she is abusive, fails at communication, and wants to intimidate you through force into backing down.

 

 

Get the hell away from this toxic piece of woman.

[DerekL93]

Will have a talk with her. I admit though that it seems weird for this to be abuse. Here I am, a former 6'2 and 210 lbs HS athlete and weight lifter while she's 5'7 (not so not very small for a girl but in comparing to me, she is) and under 140 lbs.

 

She is a good aimer and yes it was the first time getting backhanded by a gf instead of slapped. It was a shocked because don't think I've ever see a girl actually hit in that manner, so fast.

 

loveweary11, I'm coming from the same upbringing as GorillaTheater. I don't think I can't ever threat her harm. It's not in me. Though now that I remembered, she did said once long ago (but didn't really took it serious and just thought of it as a ''well she has a point, you don't hurt women'') ''Don't think I won't get back at you if you ever hurt me''. I replied how I wouldn't hurt her, in which she said ''you better not''. That was the end of that conversation.

[DerekL93]

Yes, she grew up getting into a couple fights with other girls at school and her mother would go into drunken rages, then grab her by the hair and smack her several times. Nothing has even been mentioned about her father though. She doesn't even know who her father is.

[frogs88]

Bear with me, what if some monstertruck of a woman delivers a serious uppercut to some scrawny guy? Is it gender or physical size that matters? I'm not exactly big and strong but if I slap Mr. Fitnessmuch I'm pretty sure I can count on some mercilessly served knuckle sandwhiches. I've always learned that if you dish some out then you better be prepared to take it. That's not a rationalization for retaliation against someone much smaller. It's a statement against the false sense of immunity because guys never hit back.

[autumnnight]

Sorry ladies, you can't have it both ways.

 

If it is wrong for a man to hit a wopman in any shape or form, then it is also wrong for a woman to hit a man in any shape or form.

 

Period.

 

NO exceptions

[TaraMaiden2]

As you should. So don't be violent.

 

So I'm right then. I'd slap you, you'd knock me into next week.

 

Understood.