Is it common for a gf to slap during argument?

[Tayla]

DerekL93- not sure Loveweary is entirely worthy of dismissal. He is stating his option that stems from the "tit for tat" that has it markings in this world. Not saying that I agree with it, yet by the same token Loveweary was being upfront on how he has chosen to behave with that childhood method. (No Loveweary I am not saying You are childish, the method is from childhood. Its how we first learned to handle disagreements...)

 

The Difference in adult behavior is in reasoning and restraint. The Gf needs to be taught other options and then be willing to practice adult decisions , actions and consequences.

My hope is that she apologizes and regroups her behavior to respect others right to safe living and loving.

[autumnnight]

DerekL93- not sure Loveweary is entirely worthy of dismissal. He is stating his option that stems from the "tit for tat" that has it markings in this world. Not saying that I agree with it, yet by the same token Loveweary was being upfront on how he has chosen to behave with that childhood method. (No Loveweary I am not saying You are childish, the method is from childhood. Its how we first learned to handle disagreements...)

 

The Difference in adult behavior is in reasoning and restraint. The Gf needs to be taught other options and then be willing to practice adult decisions , actions and consequences.

My hope is that she apologizes and regroups her behavior to respect others right to safe living and loving.

 

Exactly. Though I do not agree in practice, I know what loveweary is getting at. If it is okay for a woman to slap a man with X force, then why is slapping her back with X force wrong? Either they ARE both wrong or what is good for the goose is good for the gander. The underlying issue is that there ARE a lot of women who think in the heat of they moment they SHOULD be able to get away with a slap without retaliation.

[jen1447]

I'd love to think that was true, but as per the 'men's violence towards women' thread, the statistics and odds are greatly in her favour. Chances are, unfortunately, that they would BOTH be arrested, whereas if a woman receives a blow, he's the only one who would find himself in handcuffs.

It's not really a matter of stats or odds ....the fact is that if the police are called to a domestic dispute, they'll evaluate the situation (very competently usually - they do it all the time) and determine who the attacker was and arrest and charge them if circumstances warrant that. The evidence is usually pretty discernible, such as if the guy has a black eye and the girl has a scratch on her arm, chances are that she punched him and he grabbed her. They're also adept at getting the truth out of people, so they usually can tell what the real story is and act on it.

 

This isn't just supposition on my part - I'm close to people in the law enforcement community (BF is too, closer) and I've been told this firsthand.

 

Yes, of course, but the burden of proof is still, sadly, very much on him.

Not really him anymore than her. It's on whoever's making a claim generally, and it's not always in doubt anyway as explained above.

 

 

I completely and totally agree, but such restraint requires that the woman promise to calm down once released. And in the heat of the moment, even if she agrees, there's every chance a woman will happily go back on her word, because such a restraining move is humiliating to her, and will only make her more mad.

 

That's possible, sure, but if it's that much of an issue the guy needs to call the police anyway and he can just hold her til they get there if she won't settle down.

 

Not sure what you think the alternative is ....punching her out? Running away?

 

(Have I had experience? Not direct and personal, but yes, I 'know where I'm coming from'....)

I do too.

[jen1447]

Exactly. Though I do not agree in practice, I know what loveweary is getting at. If it is okay for a woman to slap a man with X force, then why is slapping her back with X force wrong? Either they ARE both wrong or what is good for the goose is good for the gander. The underlying issue is that there ARE a lot of women who think in the heat of they moment they SHOULD be able to get away with a slap without retaliation.

 

This is governed by degrees tho too, not just gender. Forex if a 5-5, 150 pound woman is punching out a 5-5, 150 pound man, by all means he should fight back and punch her to stop her, considering that the threat is 'serious.' But if a 5-2, 100 pound woman is slapping at a 6-2, 200 pound man, punching her out or even doing anything but subduing her is uncalled for and won't fall under the force continuum thing.

 

You're only entitled to use the level of force necessary to stop a threat, and only until it's stopped. (You can't shoot someone to death for punching you forex, and you can't counterpunch somebody, knock them out, and then kick them while they're lying there just bc they punched you. The kick would go from justified use of force to assault bc it wasn't necessary to stop a threat and the attack was no longer ongoing.)

[autumnnight]

This is governed by degrees tho too, not just gender. Forex if a 5-5, 150 pound woman is punching out a 5-5, 150 pound man, by all means he should fight back and punch her to stop her, considering that the threat is 'serious.' But if a 5-2, 100 pound woman is slapping at a 6-2, 200 pound man, punching her out or even doing anything but subduing her is uncalled for and won't fall under the force continuum thing.

 

True. However I admit with no apology that I am going to view a woman who is punched by a man differently from a woman who is punched by a man AFTER she slaps him.

[jen1447]

Absolutely. In the former case, if there's a size/threat difference, she'd actually be entitled by law (in the US anyway) to use suitable weapons against him to defend herself.

[dragon_fly_7]

True. However I admit with no apology that I am going to view a woman who is punched by a man differently from a woman who is punched by a man AFTER she slaps him.

The second would already be excessive force. There is a difference between what a slap (open-handed) and a closed fist is. Even if he was all into hitting back equally, that wouldn't be equally.

I still have a hard time understanding how can those men that said they would hit with equal force even know their force isn't going to be greater than what they got. If a woman slaps him and it's felt, at most it would be one of those slaps that maybe stings for a couple minutes but it's over by then. If the man then slaps her back in that same manner, the woman's face might be red an hour or so (or swollen) even if he wasn't using too much force.

A man's average slap would probably still feel like a semi-punch, not equally to a woman's mild slap. Nope, the impact on his force is still going to come out greater.

 

Meanwhile that woman's punch (assuming that's she's not a trained fighter) would at most feel like a man's mild slap. So if he's all for this tit-for-tat mentality and it being the same force, then I'm afraid punching her back isn't equal. He would have to reduce himself into slapping still.

Edited June 5, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[autumnnight]

The second would already be excessive force. There is a difference between what a slap (open-handed) and a closed fist is. Even if he was all into hitting back equally, that wouldn't be equally.

I still have a hard time understanding how can those men that said they would hit with equal force even know their force isn't going to be greater than what they got. If a woman slaps him and it's felt, at most it would be one of those slaps that maybe stings for a couple minutes but it's over by then. If the man then slaps her back in that same manner, the woman's face might be red an hour or so (or swollen) even if he wasn't using too much force.

A man's average slap would probably still feel like a semi-punch, not equally to a woman's mild slap. Nope, the impact on his force is still going to come out greater.

 

Meanwhile that woman's punch (assuming that's she's not a trained fighter) would at most feel like a man's mild slap. So if he's all for this tit-for-tat mentality and it being the same force, then I'm afraid punching her back isn't equal. He would have to reduce himself into slapping still.

 

The easy solution for this is for a woman NOT to slap a man.

[SammySammy]

The easy solution for this is for a woman NOT to slap a man.

 

Right.

 

Women shouldn't hit men at all. Trying to use a size/weight difference to excuse a woman hitting a man is unacceptable.

 

Just don't hit a man at all. If a woman does decide to hit a man, she should not be surprised when she gets hit back.

 

Men and women BOTH need to keep their hands to themselves.

[GemmaUK]

This is totally unacceptable.

I'm concerned too that this time it was a back hander.

More damage can be done with knuckles and also rings if she wears any.

 

A long long time ago - over 20 years ago actually - I 'in jest' gently slapped my bf on his cheek. We were messing around at the time and there was no argument going on.

I was joking and he knew that I was but he called me on it right there and right then and asked me not to do it again, he told me it made him feel like I didn't have any respect for him.

 

The result? I totally understood his point of view. I apologised to him. I never did it again (I never did it to anyone before nor since).

Just seeing the look on his face from a playful tap (which is all it was) was quite enough for me to realise right away that I badly over stepped the mark - even in terms of 'jest' and what I did was wrong.

Looking back I still and always have admired him for speaking up.

 

If you get denial or excuses (eg you drove her to it) as to why when you talk to her about this then strongly reconsider whether you should stay.

It's abuse. It's not on.