Ex has major issues

[foolinlove79]

I know i NEED to accept this and move on. I just find it hard. 6 years of memories. And like i loved going to the movies and now he is doing that with her. I would find it bizarre at this point doing the things we did with another person. **** i find it hard doing those things with friends. And yet here he is...going on with someone else

[TaraMaiden2]

Because he can.

And has.

Which just goes to show how devoted he was to you.

 

he hasn't done this to spite you.

He's done this because he wants to.

 

Do whatever you want - whatever it takes - to get over this.

You can, you know.

You don't need some kind of unwritten permission to go out and have fun.

For the sake of just having fun.

There's no excuse for not moving on, and sitting at home and wallowing, except that it's a choice you make.

 

It may be hard - but it's not impossible.

You just have to realise it's your right.

[foolinlove79]

Because he can.

And has.

Which just goes to show how devoted he was to you.

 

he hasn't done this to spite you.

He's done this because he wants to.

 

Do whatever you want - whatever it takes - to get over this.

You can, you know.

You don't need some kind of unwritten permission to go out and have fun.

For the sake of just having fun.

There's no excuse for not moving on, and sitting at home and wallowing, except that it's a choice you make.

 

It may be hard - but it's not impossible.

You just have to realise it's your right.

 

I have been going out a bit now. I try to have something planned every weekend.

 

I think because it was on and off i am finding it harder to accept. You just think they will be back because they always have been. I think im in shock a bit. And just feeling a lot of pain atm. As everyone on this site is i imagine.

[ExpatInItaly]

Has anyone else had an ex who started dating someone you thought they would not normally go for.

 

Apparently this new gf has actually taken up his favourite hobby so maybe that is the attraction.

 

I know i shouldnt care but im not at that point yet...

 

Yes, this happened to me after an almost 8-year, live-in relationship. She was different from me in almost every way.

 

But in the end it didn't matter. It doesn't have anything to do with the dynamic between people, and people's preferences and tastes change. Where did you see these pictures?

[ohnoo]

Has anyone else had an ex who started dating someone you thought they would not normally go for.

 

I don't know cos I never check up on exes.

You shouldn't too especially if you're not over him. It will just prolong your pain.

[aloneinaz]

I have been going out a bit now. I try to have something planned every weekend.

 

I think because it was on and off i am finding it harder to accept. You just think they will be back because they always have been. I think im in shock a bit. And just feeling a lot of pain atm. As everyone on this site is i imagine.

 

 

 

Ask yourself is what you're doing today is helping you get where you want to be tomorrow? You'll say no, I'm sure. The fact that it was an off/on relationship for that time period speaks volumes to how dysfunctional it was. Solid relationships don't include break ups.

 

 

If you want to "get over it", stay vanished from his life. DON'T stalk him on social media nor have anyone share what he's up to. Accept that it's finally over and do what he's doing. Go live your life and date when you're ready. Life is VERY SHORT. Don't waste it crying over a failed R/S.

[foolinlove79]

ive said it before. .but i just dony get how they move on so fast. 6 years together and ive been replaced like i never existed.

 

I know my ex looks me up on facebook. I know he tried to get back together and i shot him down. So he just moved on.

 

They have been together a couple months and seem really happy.

 

Can anyone shed any light? How can you have a new gf so fast when in my opinion he still has feelings for me. I dont get it.

[sacg]

Who broke up with who?

 

He could be just feeding his ego in order to help getting over you. Sucks i know, but I bet it works. Anyone who moves on that quick IMO is on a rebound of some sort. People should take time to reflect and heal.

 

We are all different....

[foolinlove79]

He broke up with me. But it really seems like this new girl is doing everything he wants in a gf. he met her on a dating site and like i said they look really happy. I dont get it. I really dont. Where is the grief over us ending?

[sacg]

Im sorry to hear that. It sucks, I was dumped a few years back for someone else after 7 years. hurt like hell, took ages to get over that one. But if its any help, it didnt last, and i believe was used as a means to get over the breakup on her part. As ****ty as that is.

 

How do you know they are happy? Im taking it your still connected on Fb, etc.

 

Id suggest going NC, blocking and cutting him out of your life completely, and stop torturing yourself.

 

He clearly isnt worth any of your time and thoughts.

 

Easier said than done, I know!

 

x

[foolinlove79]

It really does suck. I am so hurt. I just think what if she is the one. It isnt fair.

 

It is facebook but more friends telling me. He hasnt posted any pics of them together on fb. He hasnt told me he is seeing anyone else. Hes kept it pretty quiet but has introduced her to his kids and friends.

[elaine567]

He broke up with me. But it really seems like this new girl is doing everything he wants in a gf. he met her on a dating site and like i said they look really happy. I dont get it. I really dont. Where is the grief over us ending?

 

Most dumpers in LTRs, with no obvious dealbreakers such as cheating or abuse, do not suddenly go, "This is not working I am out of here", they spend weeks, months, even years thinking "I should get out of here."

They do their soul searching, decision making and grieving inside the relationship, by the time they come out and say, "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you". They are pretty much over it.

They make the decision, they stick by it.

 

Yes, they can get a little upset when the dumpee cries and begs, but usually their mind is made up.

 

So whilst you are blind sided and your feelings are very raw, he has already reached the indifferent stage.

He accepts it was never going to work and he moves cleanly on, whilst you are still trying to pick up the pieces, wondering what happened.

He is ready to date again, with no regrets and no looking back - which is what he basically he has done.

[foolinlove79]

Most dumpers in LTRs, with no obvious dealbreakers such as cheating or abuse, do not suddenly go, "This is not working I am out of here", they spend weeks, months, even years thinking "I should get out of here."

They do their soul searching, decision making and grieving inside the relationship, by the time they come out and say, "I no longer want to be in a relationship with you". They are pretty much over it.

They make the decision, they stick by it.

 

Yes, they can get a little upset when the dumpee cries and begs, but usually their mind is made up.

 

So whilst you are blind sided and your feelings are very raw, he has already reached the indifferent stage.

He accepts it was never going to work and he moves cleanly on, whilst you are still trying to pick up the pieces, wondering what happened.

He is ready to date again, with no regrets and no looking back - which is what he basically he has done.

 

Then why is he checking up on me on facebook. Why does he randomly text me yo check in. I broke up with someone years ago and i did not care what he was doing. I really never thought about it. So why does he When he has someone new

[JamesThomas]

Then why is he checking up on me on facebook. Why does he randomly text me yo check in. I broke up with someone years ago and i did not care what he was doing. I really never thought about it. So why does he When he has someone new

 

Coming from a guys perspective and having done what he's doing myself?

 

He clearly cares and misses you. The problem is that he exposed what he considers to be a weakness. By asking you to be with him again he exposed the fact that he cares and that he wants to make it work. You rejecting him threw up all of his barriers and defenses and, in turn, it has made him act in this way.

 

Whenever I've been in this situation myself, checking Facebook, etc. because I miss that person, trying really hard to let go maybe holding onto hope. Then one day I decide to throw all of my cards and fears on the table and try to make it work. If she says "no" then, in my head, she suddenly gets shut out, I stop caring to make her realize that I am not the sort of person who will have my feelings so easily disgarded into the trash. What I speak my heart to you and you just walk all over it??? No thanks! Screw you I don't need this crap OR you, plenty more fish in the sea, your loss!!

 

Why did I just say what I did? Because I know how it feels, I have been where he is. Nobody likes rejection. I was speaking from personal feelings and experience.

[elaine567]

Then why is he checking up on me on facebook. Why does he randomly text me yo check in. I broke up with someone years ago and i did not care what he was doing. I really never thought about it. So why does he When he has someone new

 

I guess because he feels guilty for dumping you and moving on so fast and doesn't want you to think of him as a bad person.

I doubt he really wants you back.

 

This is a guy who has repeatedly dumped you over the years and blows hot and cold on a whim - just be glad he is gone and is someone else's problem, and please stop checking FB.

 

Move on.

[erklat]

Then why is he checking up on me on facebook. Why does he randomly text me yo check in. I broke up with someone years ago and i did not care what he was doing. I really never thought about it. So why does he When he has someone new

 

To string you along. Every man likes to have options.

 

Trust in Karma. I have never hurt someone before and got

away without Karma biting me hard sometimes years later.

[foolinlove79]

Coming from a guys perspective and having done what he's doing myself?

 

He clearly cares and misses you. The problem is that he exposed what he considers to be a weakness. By asking you to be with him again he exposed the fact that he cares and that he wants to make it work. You rejecting him threw up all of his barriers and defenses and, in turn, it has made him act in this way.

 

Whenever I've been in this situation myself, checking Facebook, etc. because I miss that person, trying really hard to let go maybe holding onto hope. Then one day I decide to throw all of my cards and fears on the table and try to make it work. If she says "no" then, in my head, she suddenly gets shut out, I stop caring to make her realize that I am not the sort of person who will have my feelings so easily disgarded into the trash. What I speak my heart to you and you just walk all over it??? No thanks! Screw you I don't need this crap OR you, plenty more fish in the sea, your loss!!

 

Why did I just say what I did? Because I know how it feels, I have been where he is. Nobody likes rejection. I was speaking from personal feelings and experience.

 

I can appreciate that but this was the 6th time he broke up with me. And it was 3 months of hell for me leading up to it because he was cold and withdrawn and wouldnt talk about it. I tried so hard to save it because i love him. But i just couldn't take him back again. I wanted to..but i just couldnt. I cant trust him. He keeps hurting me.

[elaine567]

I can appreciate that but this was the 6th time he broke up with me. And it was 3 months of hell for me leading up to it because he was cold and withdrawn and wouldnt talk about it. I tried so hard to save it because i love him. But i just couldn't take him back again. I wanted to..but i just couldnt. I cant trust him. He keeps hurting me.

 

3 months of hell whilst he was checking out of your relationship.

3 months where he wanted to split but was too scared to make the final decision.

NO relationship survives long term with multiple breaks, accept it was just not meant to be.

Someone who truly wants to be with you, who truly loves you does not repeatedly break up with you.

[Satu]

If you want to implement full NC, the flow of information about him would have to be stopped.

 

All that information will bring you is upset.

 

 

*No direct contact in either direction.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[Learningtowalkagain]

It really does suck. I am so hurt. I just think what if she is the one. It isnt fair.

 

It is facebook but more friends telling me. He hasnt posted any pics of them together on fb. He hasnt told me he is seeing anyone else. Hes kept it pretty quiet but has introduced her to his kids and friends.

 

Ever dated someone and the first few months weren't bliss? That's what he's going through now. He dumped you and moved on, you need to do the same. It hurts but you're just prolonging your misery by checking his fb...caring that he checks yours (how do you know he checked yours exactly?) and answering his texts. Are friends telling you or are you asking? If your friends are randomly telling you they're inconsiderate and ignorant. You need to tell your friends I'm not interested in what he's doing or his new gf, he's my ex and we're done. They'll respect that I guarantee you. If you're asking you're just impeding the healing process.

 

If he's serious enough with this girl to introduce her to his kids then it's only a matter of time before he starts posting pics of them together. Wanna hurt yourself...stay friends with him on social media and see a pic of him with his new gf...it'll bring you down to a lower level of grief than you are now.

 

My ex and I dated a year, we mutually broke up in January but kept an open communication, a month ago I hear she has a new bf. I reactivate my fb account and see a pic of her with him on her couch which was ironically the first place we ever had sex. Immediately inunfriended her, her family, and any friends I met through her. Deleted her phone number, text history, and any photos I had. I won't lie it hurt to see and I was so happy to be done with her when it ended (she was textbook BPD). I know she's butthurt I Unfriended her and I don't care. Neither should you.

[foolinlove79]

I know he checks because he has mentioned things to me that he could only of known by looking at fb.

 

Im struggling with the whole thing. I know people move on but god it seems fast. Its like he has just repreplaced me with someone else and gone on merrily with his life. He even does things with her that we used to love doing together.

 

It id not meant to be. I find myself just hoping this rs will fail and he will regret his decision. I Cant ever go back i know that so i dont know why it bothers me.

 

I suppose because he is happy and i am in mourning.

[sacg]

I know he checks because he has mentioned things to me that he could only of known by looking at fb.

 

Hes talking to you directly too??? That just not right!

[Learningtowalkagain]

I know he checks because he has mentioned things to me that he could only of known by looking at fb.

 

Im struggling with the whole thing. I know people move on but god it seems fast. Its like he has just repreplaced me with someone else and gone on merrily with his life. He even does things with her that we used to love doing together.

 

It id not meant to be. I find myself just hoping this rs will fail and he will regret his decision. I Cant ever go back i know that so i dont know why it bothers me.

 

I suppose because he is happy and i am in mourning.

 

I'm in your same situation and have been asking myself the same question. With her it's not if its going to fail but when. I wouldn't take her back so why do I care? Part of it is she's happy and I'm lonely. In my therapists words she won the imaginary race ex's have in their head that whoever moves on faster wins.

Part of it is ego. I ask myself questions like why does she stay friends on db with my family and friends she met through me when I deleted all of hers. She's purposely stated friends with them do she could maintain some contact and check up on me. It's not like she just hasn't gotten around to deleting them, she's BPD so deletes people (and blocks) she has arguments with, one being her best friend a month ago.

 

Regardless of all that, you need to stop focusing on him and his new rs and work on you.

Some things that have helped me:

Go strict NC. The sooner the better. Don't think about it just do it. Otherwise you're just holding on and torturing yourself.

 

Go to the gym. If you can't get s great workout in do something small like walking 10 minutes on the treadmill and work your way from there. Just go.

 

Start a journal. You have all these crazy thoughts swirling around in your head.

Put them on paper. You'll be surprised at the things you'll write.

 

Talk with friends and family when you need to. Girls are better communicators than boys are so this is an obvious but good tool.

 

Post here as often as you like. Awesome tool. I've healed so much once a poster broke down my ex was BPD and what I'm going through is extremely normal. I've read articles on the condition and posted here. The good thing is we're all anonymous and most of us have been in your shoes or your ex's shoes so we can give good advice

[foolinlove79]

Hes talking to you directly too??? That just not right!

 

i didnt hear from him for a month after tge bu. Then he emailed me to say sorry for how he treated me anf wanted to be friends and go for coffee. In the past that was his way of getting back with me. I said no. Since then about once a week hr texts. I am short so havent heard from him for a few weeks no so maybe he has given up or things are going so well he doesnt need to contact me anymore. I thought it was **** too. I knew he was seeing someone. He never mentioned it. Maybe he didnt want to upset me. I dont know. His behavior is so weird.

[aloneinaz]

I'm wondering one thing? Why are you going thru all this? Do you like drama? You didn't want him back after he dumped you, right? Then why oh why are you doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing?

 

 

Why have you NOT blocked him on FB and any other social media? Why have you not told mutual friends to NOT share anything about him? Why are you having ANY contact vs. NC?

 

 

You need to wrap your head around moving on w/out him. You clearly don't want to do that and seem to enjoy this drama? Worry about you and your future vs. a guy from you past.

 

 

As far as "how can someone move on so fast"? I agree that in most LTR's, when it is ended, the person has checked out and left the relationship a long time before the decision was made. There's no rule book as to how long you need to be alone before dating or getting in another relationship. If someone was miserable with their last R/S, they'd be thrilled to be in a new, exciting one w/someone they like.

 

 

Do yourself a favor. You now the drill about NC. Do it so you can move on.