Ideas for what would work and what wouldn't?

[Valkyriah]

Hi there,

 

This is probably a bit premature as my "ex" (bit of a murky situation, but anyway) are taking a few days of space before we make any concrete decisions, but I thoight I would come here seeking some advice before we do meet. He, I think, is still open to the idea of trying to fix things, so I'd like advice on what to do and what to avoid in order to give us the best shot possible.

 

We're both mid 20s, have had serious relationships before, but he's unlike anyone I've ever known. Recently, things have been harder, and he's workikg through some things and feels less sure about us than he did. I think this is coming from the dark place he's in with his mental health right now.

 

I've been reflecting a lot, and I've really tried to think objectively (a few days of no contact whatsoever, talking to friends and family, etc.), and he truly is the one I want - this isn't some desperation attempt to stop hurting or anything like that.

 

Anyway, what I see as the three reasons that he is less sure about is than he was before are first and foremost, his depression. I think that's making him see much less clearly and make decisions (not just about our relationship) that hurt him more instead of help him.

 

Second, money is somewhat of a struggle for us. I make a lot more right now, and he's barely scraping by. He's doing this at a position that will, hopefully within a few more months, lead to a higher salary and more stable hours, etc. I've been a little judgmental/harsh about that in the past because I, having grown up with a CFO for a father who taught me what was "right" and "wrong" about spending money, and I tend to be much too black and white sometimes. I got a bit resentful about some of the choices he and I ended up making with money, and that's my fault. Looking back, I should've encouraged him and tried to help him plan instead of just getting frustrated.

 

Third, our schefules have been so different reently. I work early first shift, and he's mostlt second - except on the weekends when I've been free, his work has been moving him up to work earlier and stay until the end of the night (11 or so usually). I'm switching careers coming up here, and while I do think I'll probably end up working like a 9-5 thing for a while, my ultimate goal would be that, someday, I would be able to make a living writing books and doing other freelance writing. Now, I want that no matter what, but I iust feel like the scheduling issue won't always be as dramatic as it has been recently. Pretty soon, I'll be off work for a while, so I think that would be a great time to work on things.

 

Sorry about the novella - anyway. My questions are these: what would be some concrete steps he and I could take, both individually and together, to work on these issues? Especially since he's struggling with his mental health rigjt now, would it be a better idea for me to step back for a bit and let him work through that alone, or should I do the opposite - try to do everything I can to show him he has my support. If he's amenable to working on this stuff, how should we do it?

 

Also, I sort of have this idea that, if he's up for it, I would like to plan a reallt special day together (get some of our friends involved too, if possible), to help remind him how much he's cared about and loved and to show him that the good times and good things that we've been missing a bit lately are still there.

 

If anyone has gone through something similar or just has ideas on one or more of these issues, please let me know! I've got some personal things to work on, I know, but I would like to have some ideas and suggestions in place for when he and I do talk about what we want to do...that should be in a few days or so.

 

Thanks, all!

[StalwartMind]

"I should've encouraged him and tried to help him plan instead of just getting frustrated."

 

I'm highlighting this part because it is something that happens so frequently between people. When we "know" how to handle something better than another person, a tendency of superiority can rise. So frustration sets in when things aren't going as you like. Now instead of actually letting frustration take over which most do, then try first look at things from the perspective of the other person. Also if possible take into consideration what you already know about that person. You already said it yourself which is great that you realize, you should of encouraged and helped him. This is precisely what more people could benefit from doing. Learn to control your initiate emotions, keep your head cool and approach the situation from a more calm angle. I know we all have very different levels of patience, so doing such will prove a challenge to those that are more explosive of nature.

 

In regards to how you should approach your current situation with him and to remind you both of how good things can be, I guess you have several options to choose from. You say you are considering to leave him a lone, perhaps that's the right choice, I really don't know. That's where I'm thinking that even seeking professional help on how to handle all this may be an possibility. My initial thought was this though. If the situation was reversed, how would you like for it to be approached? Would you want your partner to be there for you and help if you are struggling with mental issues. I'd like to think I would appreciate that, but each person is different. As always I feel it is imperative to look at any situation from multiple perspectives, as it gives you a better insight to how all parts involved may be viewing it.

 

There are a lot of pieces that need to fall into place for any relationship to work. At times it can almost seem like that your otherwise beautiful image, has some pieces that simply don't fit in, almost as if they are from a completely different set. This doesn't have to the case though, because sometimes it just appear that way while in reality you just need to put a little work into a certain area. Maybe that's communication, support, open mindedness or something else. We all have the capability to make things work or at the very least make them function to a much better level of quality.

 

It's easy to point fingers and blame but it takes a lot more effort to admit flaws. Take it as compliment that you actually have reached this state and want to improve them. People that are willing to see the true state of things are also the ones with an advantage, as they can now attempt to fix an issue that otherwise wouldn't be possible. None of us will ever be perfect, but we should always inspire to try be a better person than we were yesterday.