My Husband Is Unable to Form Friendships with Other Men

[Sammy1974]

Hello. This is an add on to my previous posts regarding my husband exchanging text messages with a female coworker.

He and I had a discussion yesterday, one we have touched on previously. My husband has some emotional issues and he has had these since we met. Many times he feels as though people are judging him. In order to get through a family function he has to mentally prepare himself, even have a drink prior, to help himself relax. He has absolutely no friends, and in college he had one male friend, and about 10 or 12 female friends. I asked him:"Do you feel more comfortable being friends with women since most of you friends in college were female and did you ever develop any feelings for any of them?" He said that he prefers to be friends with women because he doesn't feel the same competition from men, who tend to be a little too macho and abrasive for his taste. He said that if he could meet a man who was a little "nerdy" and with whom he can have a good conversation he would be fine. He told me that he absolutely did not have feelings for his female friends in college, and while he knows that most people wouldn't believe that these friendships were always strictly platonic, that is what they were. He ended by saying "I don't know what to say. That is how I am. I can actually be friends with women and not want to sleep with them". He also told me that he hopes that with his new job he can meet some people that we can both spend time with such as on double dates. He wants to be social but doens't know how.

So, this leads me to the following questions: Should I buy into that given that it is his track record with female friendships? In relation to my current issue with the coworker, does that explain his behavior and confirm that it is innocent? He continues to allow me to see all incoming and outgoing texts, answers all my questions without getting defensive and I still have access to the online phone account.

I am trying to see this through a wider perspective taking into consideration my husband's personality and the way he functions (or doesn't function) socially. He has never cheated on me. He doesn't show ANY of the signs of a cheating spouse.

Thoughts?

Edited June 4, 2015 by Sammy1974

[Lois_Griffin]

He's obviously got some kind of social anxiety. He probably needs to go to therapy?

[Sammy1974]

Well, I have suggested that before but he does not want to go. The only kind of therapy he accepts to go to if necessary is couples counseling because that would benefit both of us. If and when it is needed. But he does not want to go to individual therapy because he feels it would change him. I am just wondering if this recent behavior that I have described in my other posts relates to his inability to form friendships with men and prefers the company of women because it less threatening in his perception. If that is the case, am I then blowing the texting with the coworker out of proportion?

[MM1234]

Sammy,

 

It sounds like your husband has some insecurity issues & social anxiety issues. He could easily find like minded male friends if he opens himself up to male companionsip. He seems to close himself off to male friendships & other men can pick up on that vibe. Does your DH have any hobbies? Maybe he could meet other dudes that way.

[Tayla]

Then make it couples counseling. Because this is affecting the marriage.

 

His reasonings in his mind make sense to him. The problem is that it doesn't make sense in a healthy relationship sort of way. His mindset to stay safe by forming relations only with females is counter productive to a well rounded existence. While it does take much effort to maintain friendships, an assortment of gender style view points can dissipate this behavior and change his life choices. Lets face it, no one likes to be told to "Change", Yet at the same time, we do like to have people supporting us while we go thru the change we set out for. Think about it and re-consider dual counseling.

[OldRover]

He definitely needs some help.

 

Having only women friends and texting them, flirting with them are the making of a disaster.

 

I once dated a lady that had almost all guy friends, and that was a strong part of the reason we didn't last. I wasn't going to compete, not was I going to be labeled "like all of the rest".

[Sammy1974]

Well he doesn't flirt. Not at all. I read all the texts and they are not romantically inclined at all. I just want to know if I am blowing it out of proportion. Not the fact that he does not have male friends, or any friends for that matter. But am I blowing the texting out of proportion given his history of almost exclusive friendships with women?

[berniev]

I am sorry to say this but it has been on my mind for ever since I saw your posts.

 

No offense to you personally but I think your behavior in a relationship is neither healthy, reasonable nor understandable. I personally would never tolerate my partner behaving this way. It's controlling and manipulative rather than trusting, caring and loving. If a relationship has to come to this, it's better both of you wise up and let the other party go.

 

I may put up with some other issues but this I would never tolerate.

[OldRover]

Well he doesn't flirt. Not at all. I read all the texts and they are not romantically inclined at all. I just want to know if I am blowing it out of proportion. Not the fact that he does not have male friends, or any friends for that matter. But am I blowing the texting out of proportion given his history of almost exclusive friendships with women?

 

Sammy,

 

No you're not blowing it out of proportion. If it's a awkward gawk and it has certainly affected you, it's probably inappropriate. And a lot of texting to women on a social basis is probably not good.

 

How do you think affairs start?

 

What do you think his next move will be.... or the moves he makes when you're not with him?

 

I'm not calling him out as a cheat, but he sure has an undesirable characteristic. If I were dating a lady like that, I'd get that problem under control. Oh.... I did date a lady like that......

 

Also, I also dated a lady that didn't like me even looking at another lady.... overboard the other way. I got her to calm down a bit, but was always an issue that I didn't like. I'm very socialable and friendly with both men and women, but know when it becomes inappropriate if I'm in a relationship.

[autumnnight]

This all sounds sadly familiar to a past part of my own life....so I have to ask:

 

Is there any chance he might be gay?

[Sammy1974]

It is interesting you ask that, because a friend of mine asked me the same thing. I have thought about that myself in the past. When his one male friend in college got married (before I met my husband), he began to hate his friend's wife. Basically he lost/severed contact with his friend since he got married. Of course his friend lives out of state, but he could have still remained in contact with him. But then, he loves porn and loves to look at women. That has never bothered me actually. I don't find that threatening to me at all. So, wouldn't that go against the gay theory? But then other things fit. I'm so confused....

[pondhawk]

He seems to be really insecure. How is his relationship with his father? Brothers?

 

He may have an easier time making female friends, however every male I know that has only female friends and no male friends were not true to their partners. IMO it's a red flag when a man only has female friends. Out of all of those female friends, one is bound to take his friendly manner as something more than just friends. Then it is up to him to be strong enough to pull the brakes.

 

Do you think he's strong enough to pull the brakes?

 

Ask him to go to counseling for both of you.

[Sammy1974]

Well, my husband doesn't have a large number of friends. When I say "friends", I mean all the people he has gone out to lunch with on occassion. So in other words, not friends necessarily, rather work acquaintances. For example, a few years back when he was working in a before and after school care program, again working with all women, maybe once a month he would get together with all of them and have lunch. Sometimes he would meet up with one of them, but he and I would not consider them "friends". Its just the absence of male friends that is strange. Yesterday he came to meet me at work for my lunch break and we went out to lunch. Yesterday he also went on another job interview. All of a sudden he picks up his phone and shows me that his female ex-coworker (because he is not returning there next year) texted him the following: "Good luck on your job interview." His response was: "Thanks. I appreciate it." That was all the communication they had yesterday. While I was appreciative for him showing me this, I still wonder why this woman finds it OK to do that, so I asked him. His response was: "I don't know. I guess she is being nice." I told him that now that he is starting a new job in the fall, he should meet more appropriate friends and that I would like for both of us to have times where we spend time with people as a couple. I told him we are married, and it would be nice if we spent time with "friends" together. He said he completely agrees and that is what he wants as well, but that he feels its best to get to know people individually first before spending time as a group.

I have been researching information regarding men who cannot form friendships with other men, and so much of what I have read, is what my husband has told me. I should also mention that he has a very controlling mother. He has two siblings, a younger sister and a younger brother and he in not close to either of them. Hardly ever communicates with them or sees them. His father was mostly absent from his life because he was working 7 days a week, 10 hour days for the most part. His parents are still together, but he was primarily raised and influenced by his mother. Any thoughts on this? Please give me some insight because I am really trying to figure this out. Thanks.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Sammy1974