How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[Emilia]

In my case your assumption is off nowhere near your girlfriend's number but still much higher than average. I have no problem with frank discussions though. Nothing to hide.

[ASG]

I appreciate the differences in opinions. I can't help but observe that people with a more extensive sexual history lean toward non-disclosure while those with a less extensive sexual history lean toward complete transparency. I could make an observation on this but it would be redundant.

 

Considering the amount of jealousy the disclosures from your GF have caused... can you blame people who don't want to disclose?? Even if you only slept with very serious SOs and you only had 5 of them, some people will still be jealous.

 

I have no problem admitting to FWBs and ONS. I'm just not gonna tell you who they were. Especially not if we bump into them at the supermarket for whatever reason! Why the hell would I?!?!?

[Noideanow]

Nobody really answered any of these questions. Any opinions on this?

 

Because it is very difficult,

at first i thougt clearly tell it because hiding the truth is lying, then again i thougt ohh it would destroy all evening, but i guess thats conflictavoidance to think like that, but i think one must say what one feels and thinks right there, but if she knows you have been with so many, then she must think that once in a while you will meet one of them, so you are not actualle lying.. still think its difficult:cool: if i knew such a big number i would think every women that was not invalid was one of them:laugh:i hope only if the relationship was lacking something in that moment, thoughts like that would come:eek:

[jen1447]

Frankly it's a bizarre question (or series of questions) deadelvis, at least the way you're contextualizing it. You've given us some 'in-the-field' eaxamples, ok, but I moreso get the impression you're looking for a pre-date or pre-relationship interview where all this is hashed out. That would seem very weird to me.

[Giggle]

I have no problem discussing whatever I've done or who.. And probably wouldn't say anything about having had sex with the waiter person. Unless it was a girl and it was my current.. Because then I'd feel the need to pester him with the knowledge and get him all turned on. But an obligation? No. Just if it came up.

 

Hells bells we were just discussing 3somes. Somebody had asked me if I'd thought about an mmf and sure I've thought about it. So then I asked him if he'd do one and he supplied previously unknown info that he had been in one. Oh. Huh. Sooooo... Would you do it again? It doesn't bother me one way or the other that he had, or wouldn't want to. I was just curious. Though if he'd said yes then I'd have to think about whether I'd want to. Hmm

[deadelvis]

Frankly it's a bizarre question (or series of questions) deadelvis, at least the way you're contextualizing it. You've given us some 'in-the-field' eaxamples, ok, but I moreso get the impression you're looking for a pre-date or pre-relationship interview where all this is hashed out. That would seem very weird to me.

 

I'm more just trying to get a sense of various people's position or attitudes about these kinds of situations. I'm one for complete transparency myself. My previous GF was horrified by my frank and blunt honesty. My current GF isn't phased at all. Different people have very different feelings on this.

[Emilia]

I think it's interesting that people are happy to jump into bed with someone but uncomfortable talking about it. Pre-dating discussion seems completely normal to me. I don't even know what I'd do if a man couldn't talk about it. But then again I don't usually date complete strangers, ie no online meetups, etc.

[deadelvis]

I think it's interesting that people are happy to jump into bed with someone but uncomfortable talking about it. Pre-dating discussion seems completely normal to me. I don't even know what I'd do if a man couldn't talk about it. But then again I don't usually date complete strangers, ie no online meetups, etc.

 

I agree completely. But there is no right or wrong answer. This is all very subjective and personal.

[oldshirt]

People seduce their partner into disclosing personal and private information under the guise of a deeper understanding them and having no secrets blah blah blah.

 

People also always promise they won't judge and won't think any less of them etc etc but this exact thing you've experienced is exactly what happens.

 

The truth is, the only reason people want to know sexual histories so bad is so they CAN JUDGE. There is no other reason.

 

If you say one person or one act too many, you'll be judged slutty, indescriminate and of questionable morals.

 

If you say one person or one act too few you'll be judged weak or undesirable or too inhibited.

 

No matter what you say, you lose. The only way to win is not play that game.

 

If someone has STD concerns, take a test.

 

No one is entitled to your private information.

 

No one has a need to know your private information. Knowledge of other peoples sexual history provides no useful and no benifitial information to current relationships.

 

It doesn't have to be a dark secret that there is a dating past but no one is entitle to what went on behind closed doors or with whom or how many times.

 

People can't help but to judge despite how adamantly they claim that they won't.

[Emilia]

Oh will judge, absolutely. That's the whole idea. To me it's not whether we have secrets, to me it's one aspect of a person's values. How they see themselves, what they allow themselves to get into, how responsible they are, are we likely to be compatible. Judge and be judged, absolutely.

[ASG]

I think it's interesting that people are happy to jump into bed with someone but uncomfortable talking about it. Pre-dating discussion seems completely normal to me. I don't even know what I'd do if a man couldn't talk about it. But then again I don't usually date complete strangers, ie no online meetups, etc.

 

It's not that I can't talk about it. I'll happily discuss likes and dislikes and kinks and whatnot. What I don't want to disclose is the how many and the who with.

[deadelvis]

People seduce their partner into disclosing personal and private information under the guise of a deeper understanding them and having no secrets blah blah blah.

 

People also always promise they won't judge and won't think any less of them etc etc but this exact thing you've experienced is exactly what happens.

 

The truth is, the only reason people want to know sexual histories so bad is so they CAN JUDGE. There is no other reason.

 

If you say one person or one act too many, you'll be judged slutty, indescriminate and of questionable morals.

 

If you say one person or one act too few you'll be judged weak or undesirable or too inhibited.

 

No matter what you say, you lose. The only way to win is not play that game.

 

If someone has STD concerns, take a test.

 

No one is entitled to your private information.

 

No one has a need to know your private information. Knowledge of other peoples sexual history provides no useful and no benifitial information to current relationships.

 

It doesn't have to be a dark secret that there is a dating past but no one is entitle to what went on behind closed doors or with whom or how many times.

 

People can't help but to judge despite how adamantly they claim that they won't.

 

This is certainly one opinion, although it leans very far toward one side. Don't you feel like you are constantly having to censor your stories and live a guarded life in order to effectively "hide" your past from your SO? It would seem like a lot of work trying to never talk about my past or reveal any of my previous partners or sexual practices.

[Noideanow]

Frankly it's a bizarre question (or series of questions) deadelvis, at least the way you're contextualizing it. You've given us some 'in-the-field' eaxamples, ok, but I moreso get the impression you're looking for a pre-date or pre-relationship interview where all this is hashed out. That would seem very weird to me.

 

Are you a judge? i think the court is missing one:(

[Emilia]

It's not that I can't talk about it. I'll happily discuss likes and dislikes and kinks and whatnot. What I don't want to disclose is the how many and the who with.

 

No I wouldn't disclose who unless my SO would be put in an awkward position. Discretion is important and I've never been asked that question either. generally I'd discuss anything I post here for example and I don't get it that so many people don't.

[Noideanow]

This is certainly one opinion, although it leans very far toward one side. Don't you feel like you are constantly having to censor your stories and live a guarded life in order to effectively "hide" your past from your SO? It would seem like a lot of work trying to never talk about my past or reveal any of my previous partners or sexual practices.

 

I think that if you have peace with your past and realised what you did right and wrong and so on, it will become naturally to not talk about it (its dead and buried), it wont take up the space in your head, BUT i can be totally wrong in this way af seeing it, and not two people work the same way i guess:confused:

[deadelvis]

No I wouldn't disclose who unless my SO would be put in an awkward position. Discretion is important and I've never been asked that question either. generally I'd discuss anything I post here for example and I don't get it that so many people don't.

 

Not putting your SO in an awkward position is certainly a big part of it. But there's also the question of appropriateness concerning past sexual partners. If your SO failed to mention a long running affair with a coworker that took place immediately before you started dating, it would certainly raise questions in my mind about appropriateness. And I would feel a bit less comfortable when they go out for drinks after work together. To not disclose information like that is pretty close to a lie by omission.

 

It's not a black and white issue, but examples like that certainly illustrate the need for a certain level of transparency. Although I suppose an argument could be made about trust.

 

BTW this is a real example from my RL.

 

Her argument: If you trust me I don't see what the issue is. It's none of your business who or what I did in the past.

 

My argument: You didn't think I deserved to know that you had an ongoing sexual relationship with your "friend" immediately before we stated dating? The same "friend" you are going to hang out with this weekend alone? The same "friend" who texts you at all hours and seems to have less than pure intentions?

 

My point here is that there is a certain amount of transparency required to avoid the appearance of deception.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

[Emilia]

Not putting your SO in an awkward position is certainly a big part of it. But there's also the question of appropriateness concerning past sexual partners. If your SO failed to mention a long running affair with a coworker that took place immediately before you started dating, it would certainly raise questions in my mind about appropriateness. And I would feel a bit less comfortable when they go out for drinks after work together. To not disclose information like that is pretty close to a lie by omission.

 

It's not a black and white issue, but examples like that certainly illustrate the need for a certain level of transparency. Although I suppose an argument could be made about trust.

 

BTW this example is a real example from my RL

 

Yeah that's about respect. I had to bite the bullet recently and 'fess up' to someone about another I slept with AFTER we stopped sleeping together because it bothered him as he knew that guy. While I didn't do anything wrong I explained what went down and why. We were never in a relationship but I respected that he felt disappointed. Your situation is much bigger than that. I'd think the guy had no balls and would lose respect for him if he hid it. Coming out straight would make him grow in my eyes though.

[Noideanow]

I think that if you have peace with your past and realised what you did right and wrong and so on, it will become naturally to not talk about it (its dead and buried), it wont take up the space in your head, BUT i can be totally wrong in this way af seeing it, and not two people work the same way i guess:confused:

 

now i doubt my own words and think that there can be something good about sharing those experiences and learning from each others lives and more:o i think i need to shut up:cool:

[misspond]

Not putting your SO in an awkward position is certainly a big part of it. But there's also the question of appropriateness concerning past sexual partners. If your SO failed to mention a long running affair with a coworker that took place immediately before you started dating, it would certainly raise questions in my mind about appropriateness. And I would feel a bit less comfortable when they go out for drinks after work together. To not disclose information like that is pretty close to a lie by omission.

 

It's not a black and white issue, but examples like that certainly illustrate the need for a certain level of transparency. Although I suppose an argument could be made about trust.

 

BTW this example is a real example from my RL.

 

Her argument: If you trust me I don't see what the issue is. It's none of your business who or what I did in the past.

 

My argument: You didn't think I deserved to know that you had an ongoing sexual relationship with your "friend" immediately before we stated dating? The same "friend" you are going to hang out with this weekend without me?

 

This scenario doesn't fit your previous questions and is a whole new can of worms.

 

Personally - I'm in the don't ask/don't tell camp. But then I wouldn't be going to hang out with someone I had previously been intimate with when I was seeing someone else.

[TaraMaiden2]

I appreciate the differences in opinions. I can't help but observe that people with a more extensive sexual history lean toward non-disclosure while those with a less extensive sexual history lean toward complete transparency. I could make an observation on this but it would be redundant.

I'm in my late 50's and have only had 6 partners, all of those serious relationships.

My H. has had over 100 sexual liaisons, and is 5 years younger than I.

 

Big deal.

I just refuse to get hung up about trivia....

[Emilia]

This scenario doesn't fit your previous questions and is a whole new can of worms.

 

Personally - I'm in the don't ask/don't tell camp. But then I wouldn't be going to hang out with someone I had previously been intimate with when I was seeing someone else.

 

This is true as well.

[deadelvis]

This scenario doesn't fit your previous questions and is a whole new can of worms.

 

Personally - I'm in the don't ask/don't tell camp. But then I wouldn't be going to hang out with someone I had previously been intimate with when I was seeing someone else.

 

 

This is what I was alluding to when I asked:

 

What about friends, colleagues, associates?

 

I feel like not divulging that sort of information constitutes a lie by omission. But that is just my opinion, and many would consider that a sign of having trust issues, which I admittedly do have.

 

I know many people who trust unconditionally and would have no problem with a SO not mentioning his/her sexual history with close friends/colleagues. I however think it's a bit sketchy.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

[pteromom]

I would want to know...

 

- if they had any same-sex experiences, because we'd need to discuss their likes/wants in that area, and make sure I'd be able to fully satisfy them.

 

- whether they have or have had any STDs.

 

- whether they are into any type of alternative lifestyles, because we might not be compatible.

 

So basically I would want to know information that might affect OUR relationship. Other than that, I don't care. I like to live in the present.

 

Even if someone did something very shocking in their past, that doesn't mean it is who they are. People experiment. People make mistakes. People "go with the flow" and regret it later. Things happen. Has nothing to do with whether they can be a good partner or not.

[pteromom]

This is what I was alluding to when I asked:

 

What about friends, colleagues, associates?

 

I feel like not divulging that sort of information constitutes a lie by omission. But that is just my opinion, and many would consider that a sign of having trust issues, which I admittedly do have.

 

I know many people who trust unconditionally and would have no problem with a SO not mentioning his/her sexual history with close friends/colleagues. I however think it's a bit sketchy.

 

You think everything is sketchy! You go through your relationship with squinty eyes, looking for dishonesty. Must be tiring. Imagine if you put all that wondering and worrying energy into making her happy and laughing with her and having great sex and just relaxing and enjoying each other's company.

 

I do not agree with you. Sometimes it is better just to leave the past in the past.

[Noideanow]

This is what I was alluding to when I asked:

 

What about friends, colleagues, associates?

 

I feel like not divulging that sort of information constitutes a lie by omission. But that is just my opinion, and many would consider that a sign of having trust issues, which I admittedly do have.

 

I know many people who trust unconditionally and would have no problem with a SO not mentioning his/her sexual history with close friends/colleagues. I however think it's a bit sketchy.

 

i would feel very uncomfortable not being around myself in those situations, probably the end of the relationship if togetherness was impossible, our society is not designed around keeping happy love relationships, but luckily we can do something ourselves and try to make it harmonious:love: not accepting the old ways, if it makes us feel bad.