How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[misspond]

This is what I was alluding to when I asked:

 

What about friends, colleagues, associates?

 

I feel like not divulging that sort of information constitutes a lie by omission. But that is just my opinion, and many would consider that a sign of having trust issues, which I admittedly do have.

 

I know many people who trust unconditionally and would have no problem with a SO not mentioning his/her sexual history with close friends/colleagues. I however think it's a bit sketchy.

 

From what you've told us here and in other threads your SO works in a trade that can be difficult for partners to navigate.

 

It's entirely possible that you need to work out whether the benefits of being involved with someone who validates you in ways you've not yet explored is worth it when it comes to your inner alarm bells. We're all allowed to have inner alarm bells and ignore them until such time that we can either accept them or respond to them.

[deadelvis]

I do not agree with you. Sometimes it is better just to leave the past in the past.

 

It's all subjective. I personally think it's better to leave past lovers in the dust. I don't need those women in my life anymore, and to keep them around IMO suggests impropriety.

[misspond]

It's all subjective. I personally think it's better to leave past lovers in the dust. I don't need those women in my life anymore, and to keep them around IMO suggests impropriety.

 

Then there is your answer.

[Emilia]

It's all subjective. I personally think it's better to leave past lovers in the dust. I don't need those women in my life anymore, and I to keep them around IMO suggests impropriety.

 

See I disagree with this. I do take an SO's view into account but at the same time I've met men over the years who were very good to me and things didn't work out but that was no-one's fault. I'm not sure I'd discard their friendship for someone who may or may not stick around. I didn't grow up in a supportive family so adult friendships matter to me. Would I dump them for a new guy on the scene? Not sure.

[pteromom]

It's all subjective. I personally think it's better to leave past lovers in the dust. I don't need those women in my life anymore, and to keep them around IMO suggests impropriety.

 

No it doesn't.

 

Well I can see how it would to YOU.

 

But I have exes who are friends, and there is no way I would EVER go back there romantically.

[deadelvis]

I think it's also worth noting that there is a discrepancy between the genders in terms of FWB's. In my experience men generally seek out other men as friends and thusly FWB's tend to have more emphasis placed on the B than the F. Women however seem to place much more significance on the F than the B is just that, a benefit, which can be switch on and off. They seem to genuinely view a FWB as a friend, and most often a womans intentions in that situation are in fact honorable, however the male intention is usually not focused on the value of her friendship, hence my concern regarding former FWB's is less an issue of trusting her and more an issue of the appropriateness of acquiescing the gesture and the appearance of leading him on.

 

Real LTR ex's are a bit of a different story. As are long term friends who may have had a chance encounter over the years.

[misspond]

See I disagree with this. I do take an SO's view into account but at the same time I've met men over the years who were very good to me and things didn't work out but that was no-one's fault. I'm not sure I'd discard their friendship for someone who may or may not stick around. I didn't grow up in a supportive family so adult friendships matter to me. Would I dump them for a new guy on the scene? Not sure.

 

But if it matters to the OP, and he doesn't trust his SO then it's a problem for him.

[eye of the storm]

To me, this falls into the don't ask questions you really don't want to know the answer to.

 

But I'll try to answer your question. I don't ask. Mainly because there is no good answer. Because if I ask number or practices and they have few to none, then I think "Crap, I have to teach them everything". If the number it too high or the practices too out there, then I think "Crap, how can I compete/measure up". The only time I volunteer information about a past relationship is if it impacts the current one. For example, I used to date your boss/brother/next door neighbor....or I introduce you to a friend that I used to date I'll say this is my friend XYZ we used to date but now we are just friends. (unless I know we are going to meet XYZ, then Ill let you know before hand)

 

To me, once I ask the question and get the answer, it is out there and I now have to deal with MY thoughts on them, their personality, their history. When all I should be thinking about is how I feel when we are together and how they treat me.

 

Now, if you have boundaries and will only date someone within them, that is fine. But ask them before you get into a relationship with them.

 

I do ask about drug use and criminal backgrounds. I also watch how they treat people other than myself. (dumped a guy once just because of how he talked to service people) Because these things are important to me. I only date people that fall within my boundaries. If sexual history is important to you be clear and honest and most importantly up-front.

 

If the person does not fall within your parameters don't punish them. It isn't your place. You punished your GF for her honesty. That is why she is keeping her mouth shut now. There is no benefit to her to be open to you. She no longer trusts you. And she shouldn't.

 

My recommendation is end the relationship now. She deserves to be with someone she can trust. The relationship is not imploding, it is dead. You both are just to caught up in the drama to be kind and end it.

[Emilia]

I think it's also worth noting that there is a discrepancy between the genders in terms of FWB's. In my experience men generally seek out other men as friends and thusly FWB's tend to have more emphasis placed on the B than the F. Women however seem to place much more significance on the F than the B is just that, a benefit, which can be switch on and off. They seem to genuinely view a FWB as a friend, and most often a womans intentions in that situation are in fact honorable, however the male intention is usually not focused on the value of her friendship, hence my concern regarding former FWB's is less an issue of trusting her and more an issue of the appropriateness of acquiescing the gesture and the appearance of leading him on.

 

 

So what is your point exactly? That he would rape me or that I'm so stupid that after a glass of wine he would sweet talk me into sex? If his intentions don't make me uncomfortable, why should they bother you? Unless you view women as barely adults - which would explain your attraction style.

[jen1447]

Are you a judge? i think the court is missing one:(

 

Pardon me?

[alphamale]

i would share very little. it is my life and my privacy. i would never ask her about this info unless she volunteered it...

[deadelvis]

So what is your point exactly? That he would rape me or that I'm so stupid that after a glass of wine he would sweet talk me into sex? If his intentions don't make me uncomfortable, why should they bother you? Unless you view women as barely adults - which would explain your attraction style.

 

Because continuing to share a friendship with someone who has other intentions, while in the boundaries of a monogamous relationship is in my opinion inappropriate, especially when there is a shared sexual history.

 

Similarly I would not want her giving her number to guys who ask for it, or meeting up with them.

 

Would she cheat on me? No. Is it appropriate behavior? That's for you to decide. IMO. No.

[Emilia]

Because continuing to share a friendship with someone who has other intentions, while in the boundaries of a monogamous relationship is in my opinion inappropriate, especially when there is a shared sexual history.

 

So you think people of the opposite sex can't be friends? Since I could never be sure of his intentions and he is a man. Female friends for me only?

[deadelvis]

So you think people of the opposite sex can't be friends? Since I could never be sure of his intentions and he is a man. Female friends for me only?

 

Similarly I would not want her giving her number to guys who ask for it, or meeting up with them.

 

Would she cheat on me? No. Is it appropriate behavior? That's for you to decide. IMO. No.

 

Does this seem justified to you? Makes sense in my mind. Intentions count for a lot.

 

Not to say men and women can't be friends, but when a guy asks for your number, or a former FB asks you to meet up, generally his intentions are pretty obvious.

 

Most guys would not feel comfortable with his GF giving her number to men who ask for it or meeting up privately with former FB's. If I was invited the intention would be much different.

Edited June 4, 2015 by deadelvis

[Emilia]

Does this seem justified to you? Makes sense in my mind. Intentions count for a lot.

 

I have my interests that not all men share. Painting and drawing are examples. If I met a guy in a class that I liked as a friend and he wanted my number and go for s coffee, I would. I would also disclose it to my SO. If he tried to stop me, I would walk. I would not tolerate for one second his attempt to control whom I was friends with. That's because it's a sign of a bigger insecurity that would make my SO a controlling person and not suitable for a healthy relationship. Relationships are between two separate individuals, not codependents.

[Emilia]

Does this seem justified to you? Makes sense in my mind. Intentions count for a lot.

 

Not to say men and women can't be friends, but when a guy asks for your number, or a former FB asks you to meet up, generally his intentions are pretty obvious.

 

Most guys would not feel comfortable with his GF giving her number to men who ask for it or meeting up privately with former FB's. If I was invited the intention would be much different.

 

Introduction would be fine but I wouldn't let my SO keep tagging along.

[autumnnight]

And if this relationship doesn't work out (it seems to be imploding rapidly) I would like to get an idea of what "normal couples" share with each other, so I can prevent this disaster next time around.

 

Normal couples may discuss generalities and then go on to the current and present business of the relationship at hand. Paranoid couples avoid any questions at all like the plague. Creepy drone couples create a detailed timeline of everything that has happened since they were born.

 

That's my 2 cents anyway.

[deadelvis]

And I must remind you, the original premise of this conversation revolved around her failing to disclose the nature of their relationship. A friend and a former FWB are not synonymous.

 

Intention and context is everything in this situation.

[clia]

My question is where do you personally draw the line?

 

I really don't care about this information, so I guess I'm on the side of "none of your business." It makes no difference to me who a guy slept with before me or what he did with those women. All I cared about is whether the guy had any STDs. To be honest, I've never been with a man who even asked about my sexual history.

 

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

 

No. It's in the past.

 

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

 

No, not pertinent.

 

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

 

So the scenario is that we run into someone who I had sex with in the past? Do I say "I had sex with him eight years ago?" No, again, not pertinent. I suppose if he was a significant boyfriend in my life I would mention that, but to explicitly call out that I had sex with him? No. I think that would be weird.

[autumnnight]

I appreciate the differences in opinions. I can't help but observe that people with a more extensive sexual history lean toward non-disclosure while those with a less extensive sexual history lean toward complete transparency. I could make an observation on this but it would be redundant.

 

I was a virgin when I married and I still think all these rules about the past are more about...well, legalistic rules than anything about making the relationship TODAY as good as possible.

 

You already made your point with your vague statement. You think the people who aren't for complete disclosure are sluts, and the ones who think like you are good. Not a big leap.

 

When you are having to come up with rules like "anyone within the last year or less than 2 degrees of separation require disclosure...you might as well hang it up because what you have is not a relationship anyway.

[Emilia]

And I must remind you, the original premise of this conversation revolved around her failing to disclose the nature of their relationship. A friend and a former FWB are not synonymous.

 

Intention and context is everything in this situation.

 

I'm actually talking about past relationships. I've only had 1 FWB, not my thing. There is a difference but you said she wouldn't be allowed to give her number to men. That would exclude future male friends then.

[deadelvis]

What if it was someone who is still in your life? Mention it or no?

 

Sorry that was in reply to Clia's post

[oldshirt]

This is certainly one opinion, although it leans very far toward one side. Don't you feel like you are constantly having to censor your stories and live a guarded life in order to effectively "hide" your past from your SO? It would seem like a lot of work trying to never talk about my past or reveal any of my previous partners or sexual practices.

 

I don't "hide" anything and there is no work or labor that goes into not discussing those details at all. So, no, it's not hard at all.

 

Do you tell your SO about the peanuts in your turds?

 

Do you talk about when you dribbled on the floor when you took a whiz?

 

Do you talk about how far your toenails flew when you clipped them?

 

 

Some things are just not part of polite conversation. Discretion is not the same as secrecy.

[Emilia]

I don't "hide" anything and there is no work or labor that goes into not discussing those details at all. So, no, it's not hard at all.

 

Do you tell your SO about the peanuts in your turds?

 

Do you talk about when you dribbled on the floor when you took a whiz?

 

Do you talk about how far your toenails flew when you clipped them?

 

 

Some things are just not part of polite conversation. Discretion is not the same as secrecy.

 

yeah I do tell guys about the peanuts haha! Seriously.

[autumnnight]

What if it was someone who is still in your life? Mention it or no?

 

Sorry that was in reply to Clia's post

 

Look, it's obvious you want ammunition for your opinion that your GF is beneath you. Just break up already.