How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[deadelvis]

But do you really think that women who sleep with a lot of men are strong? I'm asking because usually there are a lot of utter bastards in those equations. Do you think that a confident woman who values herself allows herself to be treated that way? I wouldn't have thougt so.

 

It varies. Personally the two GF's I've had (one past, one present) with a high number of previous partners were both very confident, proud feminists who didn't cower to double standards. This is partially why I feel frustrated with my current SO and her reaction to all this. The previous GF would stand proud behind her actions with no shame or remorse. My current SO just shuts off and pulls away. Perhaps this is because she isn't really so proud of her past choices and struggles to defend things that she wishes she had done differently, and when someone she cares about shines the light of scrutiny on her behavior (past or present) she recoils like an insect under a magnifying glass.

[Noideanow]

It varies. Personally the two GF's I've had (one past, one present) with a high number of previous partners were both very confident, PROUD FEMINISTS who didn't cower to double standards. This is partially why I feel frustrated with my current SO and her reaction to all this. The previous GF would stand proud behind her actions with no shame or remorse. My current SO just shuts off and pulls away. Perhaps this is because she isn't really so proud of her past choices and struggles to defend things that she wishes she had done differently, and when someone she cares about shines the light of scrutiny on her behavior (past or present) she recoils like an insect under a magnifying glass.

 

Watch out! Is she a closeted lesbian?? sorry;)

[deadelvis]

Watch out! Is she a closeted lesbian?? sorry;)

 

Actually both of the GF's who I mentioned were not-so-closet lesbians for significant periods of their lives.

[Emilia]

Hm I see this sort of thing with men who are headstrong. My ex complained that women cowed to him. Sounds like you are too conflict-seeking for her comfort. Different personality

[misspond]

It varies. Personally the two GF's I've had (one past, one present) with a high number of previous partners were both very confident, proud feminists who didn't cower to double standards. This is partially why I feel frustrated with my current SO and her reaction to all this. The previous GF would stand proud behind her actions with no shame or remorse. My current SO just shuts off and pulls away. Perhaps this is because she isn't really so proud of her past choices and struggles to defend things that she wishes she had done differently, and when someone she cares about shines the light of scrutiny on her behavior (past or present) she recoils like an insect under a magnifying glass.

 

People are allowed to be conflicted. You need to decide for yourself whether you want to allow yourself to be involved with someone who is conflicted. Work out your own boundaries and if she doesn't fit then make a choice.

[Noideanow]

Actually both of the GF's who I mentioned were not-so-closet lesbians for significant periods of their lives.

 

see that is spot on relevance of prejudgement;)

[clia]

What if it was someone who is still in your life? Mention it or no?

 

Sorry that was in reply to Clia's post

 

In the vast majority of cases, no, I wouldn't mention it.

[Noideanow]

see that explains alot of your frustrations to me:cool:

[deadelvis]

Hm I see this sort of thing with men who are headstrong. My ex complained that women cowed to him. Sounds like you are too conflict-seeking for her comfort. Different personality

 

I am headstrong but I'm also very delicate with her feelings and try to be as careful with my tone and wording as possible. But she is so quick to pull away and turn hostile/withdrawn as soon as anything seems even slightly critical or questioning of her behavior. If a conversation is "difficult" or "uncomfortable" she immediately threatens to break up and it takes days or weeks to salvage the relationship. In my opinion this is emotional manipulation to avoid addressing any topic where she may have to concede or admit fault.

[Emilia]

I am headstrong but I'm also very delicate with her feelings and try to be as careful with my tone and wording as possible. But she is so quick to pull away and turn hostile/withdrawn as soon as anything seems even slightly critical or questioning of her behavior. If a conversation is "difficult" or "uncomfortable" she immediately threatens to break up and it takes days or weeks to salvage the relationship. In my opinion this is emotional manipulation to avoid addressing any topic where she may have to concede or admit fault.

 

I don't know man. You come across pretty controlling at times. I would be happy to discuss it once but if you kept bugging me I'd get pissed pretty quick.

[jen1447]

Perhaps this is because she isn't really so proud of her past choices and struggles to defend things that she wishes she had done differently, and when someone she cares about shines the light of scrutiny on her behavior (past or present) she recoils like an insect person under a magnifying glass.

 

Fixed ....?

[central]

In my opinion this sounds like "only tell the truth if you are afraid you will get caught" Which doesn't really seem like a very moral reason for telling the truth. Fear of being exposed is a pretty sad reason to be honest. But that is again, just my opinion.

 

Well, IMO, her past is none of your business, unless it could affect you or her or your relationship in the future. It's not fear of getting caught, it's anticipating possible consequences from the past to prevent problems. Truth is relative, as is morality. The moral thing to do is prevent harm when it's reasonable to expect there could be.

[Noideanow]

I am headstrong but I'm also very delicate with her feelings and try to be as careful with my tone and wording as possible. But she is so quick to pull away and turn hostile/withdrawn as soon as anything seems even slightly critical or questioning of her behavior. If a conversation is "difficult" or "uncomfortable" she immediately threatens to break up and it takes days or weeks to salvage the relationship. In my opinion this is emotional manipulation to avoid addressing any topic where she may have to concede or admit fault.

 

she is not a woman in love, yet another prejudgement:rolleyes:

[deadelvis]

I don't know man. You come across pretty controlling at times. I would be happy to discuss it once but if you kept bugging me I'd get pissed pretty quick.

 

I wish we could just discuss it once and have it be over, but it seriously seems like every day there's a new guy who she slept with emerging into the picture and she never comes out and say's "I slept with this guy for a while but we're just friends now" It's always like just another "friend" until I confront her and ask "what the f**k is this guy's deal? did you sleep with him or something?" and then she get's upset and we almost break up. And my overall feeling is "why can't you just come forward with this s**t instead of making me drag it out of you?"

[deadelvis]

Well, IMO, her past is none of your business, unless it could affect you or her or your relationship in the future. It's not fear of getting caught, it's anticipating possible consequences from the past to prevent problems. Truth is relative, as is morality. The moral thing to do is prevent harm when it's reasonable to expect there could be.

 

"Truth is singular, it's versions are mistruths" - Cloud Atlas

[Morro72]

Understanding another person's past relationships, including sexual involvements, is useful to the extent that it helps you to understand their current relationship with you. I would think that in a relationship that goes the distance most of the details should and will come out eventually, but at times where there is some context to place them into. Otherwise it's about as useful as looking through old grocery lists (Scallops? What were you doing buying scallops? You always told me you hated scallops.).

[deadelvis]

Understanding another person's past relationships, including sexual involvements, is useful to the extent that it helps you to understand their current relationship with you. I would think that in a relationship that goes the distance most of the details should and will come out eventually, but at times where there is some context to place them into. Otherwise it's about as useful as looking through old grocery lists (Scallops? What were you doing buying scallops? You always told me you hated scallops.).

 

Every day it seems like I'm finding rotting scallops and s**t like that in the fridge. She just shrugs like "I have no idea where those came from"

[jen1447]

Number of partners and prior sex acts are your own business, and you can choose to share them if you wish and feel you can trust your partner to not adversely judge you for them, or develop expectations of future behavior based on your past experiences.

Playing devil's/elvis' advocate here much to my chagrin, but what about a partner who had 2000 sex partners previously? Wouldn't that affect legitimate concerns about STDs and thus be their business?

[autumnnight]

Yes. Unfortunately I did. And it has caused what I fear may be irreparable damage to the relationship, specifically her ability to trust me. Now her decision be forthright about information regarding which of her friends she has slept with has halted as a result. This is what prompted the thread in the first place.

 

So basically it was not safe to tell you the truth, you punished her for the truth, and now you demand more truth that you will likely not like and will continue to pattern.

 

Yeah, I just can't figure out WHY she's afraid to tell ya......

[deadelvis]

So basically it was not safe to tell you the truth, you punished her for the truth, and now you demand more truth that you will likely not like and will continue to pattern.

 

Yeah, I just can't figure out WHY she's afraid to tell ya......

 

Here's one for you. What is she more afraid of, me or the truth?

[Methodical]

Your preference for complete transparency doesn't take into account that it invades another person's privacy. For demonstration purposes, let's say you and "Jane" are in a committed relationship. Both of you are extremely adventurous and are into erotic activities. Jane loves pegging and has a strap-on with a 1 x 6 dildo and a 2 x 8 dildo. Your a$$ is conditioned and can take the entire 8 inches like a pro, and then afterward she makes you suck her dildo and deep throats you. Also, you both are into fisting and bondage activities, the more intense, the better. Jane uses crops, whips, leather belts, etc. and rough play that involves busting your balls. You take equal liberties with her.

 

Two years down the road you and Jane break up for whatever reason, (irrelevant). She starts dating John and one night they go to a fancy restaurant, low and behold there you are, working as a server. Their server. After leaving the restaurant, (according to your complete transparency policy,) she tells John that she dated you. John asks about your sexual relationship. She tells him how she pegged you, made you suck her cock, deep throated you, the bondage play, etc.

 

**What you did behind closed doors with Jane was consensual, regardless of how gross or outlandish other people my find it, between you and Jane it was done with love - doesn't matter that the play involved kinks, fetishes, or whatever. You never dreamed Jane would violate your TRUST and disclose the things you did together.

 

My viewpoint is that Jane could tell John that you two had been involved, and by default, he would have a pretty good idea of the things you did. What's to say you aren't going to go around town and trash the guy's reputation? Also, in the future if she suggests going to that restaurant, a suspicious person such as yourself will automatically think it's because he works there, not because of the food and ambiance. What good came from her disclosing this information? .......

 

What harm? Potentially a lot, depending on your character and if you're a vengeful person.

 

Personally I don't think it's "necessary" to be 100% transparent. By doing so, you violate someone else's privacy!

[deadelvis]

Playing devil's/elvis' advocate here much to my chagrin, but what about a partner who had 2000 sex partners previously? Wouldn't that affect legitimate concerns about STDs and thus be their business?

 

A simple visit to the clinic can rest your concerns about catching an STD. But there's not doctor in the world who can put you fears to rest when it comes to a partner who had sex with 2000 people.

[misspond]

Here's one for you. What is she more afraid of, me or the truth?

 

Probably both.

[misspond]

A simple visit to the clinic can rest your concerns about catching an STD. But there's not doctor in the world who can put you fears to rest when it comes to a partner who had sex with 2000 people.

 

STD's are medical. Partner numbers are moral. What's worse? I'm guessing the morals. And if that's the case then let her go, cos her kind of hot isn't doing it for you as much as you thought it would.

[autumnnight]

Here's one for you. What is she more afraid of, me or the truth?

 

You

 

I can guarantee that. She already knows her truth.

 

Look, you can spin yourself as more righteous than the rest of humanity as you want. Bottom line, you asked for truth with the reassurance it wouldn't come back to bite her. She opened up, you bit...a lot. And now you want to make it all HER problem that she's afraid of getting bitten again.

 

Have you ever been wrong? Just a question.