How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[deadelvis]

Your preference for complete transparency doesn't take into account that it invades another person's privacy. For demonstration purposes, let's say you and "Jane" are in a committed relationship. Both of you are extremely adventurous and are into erotic activities. Jane loves pegging and has a strap-on with a 1 x 6 dildo and a 2 x 8 dildo. Your a$$ is conditioned and can take the entire 8 inches like a pro, and then afterward she makes you suck her dildo and deep throats you. Also, you both are into fisting and bondage activities, the more intense, the better. Jane uses crops, whips, leather belts, etc. and rough play that involves busting your balls. You take equal liberties with her.

 

Two years down the road you and Jane break up for whatever reason, (irrelevant). She starts dating John and one night they go to a fancy restaurant, low and behold there you are, working as a server. Their server. After leaving the restaurant, (according to your complete transparency policy,) she tells John that she dated you. John asks about your sexual relationship. She tells him how she pegged you, made you suck her cock, deep throated you, the bondage play, etc.

 

**What you did behind closed doors with Jane was consensual, regardless of how gross or outlandish other people my find it, between you and Jane it was done with love - doesn't matter that the play involved kinks, fetishes, or whatever. You never dreamed Jane would violate your TRUST and disclose the things you did together.

 

My viewpoint is that Jane could tell John that you two had been involved, and by default, he would have a pretty good idea of the things you did. What's to say you aren't going to go around town and trash the guy's reputation? Also, in the future if she suggests going to that restaurant, a suspicious person such as yourself will automatically think it's because he works there, not because of the food and ambiance. What good came from her disclosing this information? .......

 

What harm? Potentially a lot, depending on your character and if you're a vengeful person.

 

Personally I don't think it's "necessary" to be 100% transparent. By doing so, you violate someone else's privacy!

 

Like I said. I have no secrets. If I was ashamed of something I would have to look deep inside myself and examine the root of my fears. I have no qualms with discussing any and all of my actions or choices. That's what seperates the strong from the weak, hiding from the truth of their actions.

 

And for what it's worth, she's not protecting anyone but herself.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

Like I said. I have no secrets. If I was ashamed of something I would have to look deep inside myself and examine the root of my fears. I have no qualms with discussing any and all of my actions or choices. That's what seperates the strong from the weak, hiding from the truth of their actions.

 

And for what it's worth, she's not protecting anyone but herself.

 

Just because someone doesn't want to discuss their past, doesn't mean they're weak.

 

Some people cannot deal with the truth (my ex for example).

 

People shouldn't have to be constantly put down for past mistakes, either. Best to move on as long as consequences from your past won't affect you or your partner in the present.

[Methodical]

Like I said. I have no secrets. If I was ashamed of something I would have to look deep inside myself and examine the root of my fears. I have no qualms with discussing any and all of my actions or choices. That's what seperates the strong from the weak, hiding from the truth of their actions.

 

And for what it's worth, she's not protecting anyone but herself.

 

This doesn't address the fact that she violated another person's trust!

 

Two days ago you said your current gf was your soulmate, yesterday you called her a whore. Wow!

[misspond]

Like I said. I have no secrets. If I was ashamed of something I would have to look deep inside myself and examine the root of my fears. I have no qualms with discussing any and all of my actions or choices. That's what seperates the strong from the weak, hiding from the truth of their actions.

 

And for what it's worth, she's not protecting anyone but herself.

 

Of course she's protecting herself. You've made her do that.

 

Decide for yourself what you want. If you go into a relationship with someone who works in the sex industry then you have to accept that.

[deadelvis]

 

Have you ever been wrong? Just a question.

 

The thing I most regret being wrong about at this juncture was my reaction to what she told me about her past. I honestly didn't think it would bother me hearing the intimate details of her sordid past. I was wrong.

[misspond]

Just because someone doesn't want to discuss their past, doesn't mean they're weak.

 

Some people cannot deal with the truth (my ex for example).

 

People shouldn't have to be constantly put down for past mistakes, either. Best to move on as long as consequences from your past won't affect you or your partner in the present.

 

He's already said that she still works in the sex industry, pages ago. He either accepts that or not. The choice is his.

[deadelvis]

Just because someone doesn't want to discuss their past, doesn't mean they're weak.

 

Some people cannot deal with the truth (my ex for example).

 

People shouldn't have to be constantly put down for past mistakes, either. Best to move on as long as consequences from your past won't affect you or your partner in the present.

 

But when she is hiding things from me about her past that have a very tangible influence on our relationship (the fact that she was sleeping with so-and-so right before we dated and now their going for cocktails alone together tomorrow night) that has some very real bearing on the present and the future.

[deadelvis]

This doesn't address the fact that she violated another person's trust!

 

Two days ago you said your current gf was your soulmate, yesterday you called her a whore. Wow!

 

She worked (past tense, I don't consider being a nude model the sex industry btw) in the sex industry. At one point she had sex for money. Although she claims it was only on one occasion. (a whore, if you will). I do believe she is my soulmate.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

But when she is hiding things from me about her past that have a very tangible influence on our relationship (the fact that she was sleeping with so-and-so right before we dated and now their going for cocktails alone together tomorrow night) that has some very real bearing on the present and the future.

 

Sorry. Having a hard time keeping up with all these threads, but I took your statement as weak vs. strong as general.

[Methodical]

The thing I most regret being wrong about at this juncture was my reaction to what she told me about her past. I honestly didn't think it would bother me hearing the intimate details of her sordid past. I was wrong.

 

I can appreciate the honesty in this comment.

[misspond]

deadelvis - decide what you want from this. On your terms, not ones determined by her actions.

[deadelvis]

I can appreciate the honesty in this comment.

 

I never meant to hurt her or our relationship but I really didn't expect the things she told me to be so intense. There are a few things in particular that I can't even think about without feeling sick. Telling me which of her male friends she's slept with won't even phase me after the things she's told me about her past working in the sex industry.

[oldshirt]

I for one would never confess my, "body count." It doesn't make me untrustworthy, it means I'm aware of my status as a woman. I may be feminist at heart but I understand it does me no favours to have made my own choices and own those choices in the eyes of the men I date, however honest they want me to be.

 

Ah yes! Finally someone who gets it!

[misspond]

She worked (past tense, I don't consider being a nude model the sex industry btw) in the sex industry. At one point she had sex for money. Although she claims it was only on one occasion. (a whore, if you will). I do believe she is my soulmate.

 

So much incongruent thought. This is not what you said in another thread.

If she was your soulmate you would not be discussing this. You would have dismissed all thought about her getting together with some she was dating just before the two of you got together.

[deadelvis]

So much incongruent thought. This is not what you said in another thread.

If she was your soulmate you would not be discussing this. You would have dismissed all thought about her getting together with some she was dating just before the two of you got together.

 

I guess I feel like if she was my soulmate she wouldn't be hiding stuff from me and she wouldn't being so concerned with maintaining relationships with former FB's when she knows it hurts me.

[central]

Playing devil's/elvis' advocate here much to my chagrin, but what about a partner who had 2000 sex partners previously? Wouldn't that affect legitimate concerns about STDs and thus be their business?

 

If they don't currently have an STD, the STD issue is irrelevant. Besides, someone with only ONE sex partner could have an STD, so numbers are not indicative of health.

 

 

I think the issue with large discrepancy in number of partners has more to do with ability to commit and expectations about quality of sex than anything else. Current behavior should readily determined ability to commit, and sexual activity will determine satisfaction with the quality of sex.

 

 

As they say in the investing world: past performance is not a guarantee of future results. People change - sometimes for the better, even!

[jen1447]

I never meant to hurt her or our relationship but I really didn't expect the things she told me to be so intense. There are a few things in particular that I can't even think about without feeling sick. Telling me which of her male friends she's slept with won't even phase me after the things she's told me about her past working in the sex industry.

 

But you were talking about jamming fingers in her butt and losing track of which ones had been in her mouth etc. in another thread ....

[Methodical]

I never meant to hurt her or our relationship but I really didn't expect the things she told me to be so intense. There are a few things in particular that I can't even think about without feeling sick. Telling me which of her male friends she's slept with won't even phase me after the things she's told me about her past working in the sex industry.

 

My contention from the other thread was that she had been honest, brutally honest, which is why you are repulsed.

[deadelvis]

But you were talking about jamming fingers in her butt and losing track of which ones had been in her mouth etc. in another thread ....

 

So tame compared to the things she's done.

[misspond]

But you were talking about jamming fingers in her butt and losing track of which ones had been in her mouth etc. in another thread ....

 

^ This.

 

But now he's butt-hurt because she won't fess up to..... whatever it is he wants her to fess up to.

 

I can't stay away from this, it's like picking a scab.

 

Honestly, I want to help but the man-ear-plugs have been well rammed in.

[jen1447]

If they don't currently have an STD, the STD issue is irrelevant. Besides, someone with only ONE sex partner could have an STD, so numbers are not indicative of health.

 

Some STDs don't manifest reliably and in a timely fashion tho, and it's generally good practice for multi-partnered people to get tested frequently, which means one current test isn't really sufficient. Should the partner be appraised of that?

[deadelvis]

My contention from the other thread was that she had been honest, brutally honest, which is why you are repulsed.

 

Correct. Brutally honest about the details of her past sexual exploits. Now she's clammed up over which of her male friends she's had sex with, yet maintains constant contact via text and hanging out with tons of different guys, the majority of which are former flings and FB's. She doesn't feel I have any business knowing who she's screwed, even if it's someone she texts constantly (I have no idea what they talk about, I caught a glimpse of a few texts and the guys were basically begging her to come hang out with them, which she does) and makes plans to hang out with when I'm not around. I feel this is hurtful. I would never do that to her.

[misspond]

So tame compared to the things she's done.

 

But did you like it or not?

 

And if not why are you here? Oh what! Whut! Did we get trolled again?

[deadelvis]

^ This.

 

But now he's butt-hurt because she won't fess up to..... whatever it is he wants her to fess up to.

 

I can't stay away from this, it's like picking a scab.

 

Honestly, I want to help but the man-ear-plugs have been well rammed in.

 

I've heard some pretty savage details already. She's fessed up to the sexual acts already, now it's just about all the different guys in her life. Most of whom are former flings or lovers.

[deadelvis]

But did you like it or not?

 

And if not why are you here? Oh what! Whut! Did we get trolled again?

 

I don't want to go into details but... no it's hard to hear the person you love talking about doing depraved sexual acts. But I was able to get past it because I love her. But now she's become very secretive about which of her friends she's had sex with.