How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[oldshirt]

She's rammed if she does and slammed if she doesn't.

 

You seduced her into divulging the sordid details of her past by promising not to judge and not to hold it against her.

 

But once she did you saw her as tainted and had scorn for her (oh yes you did so don't try to deny that)

 

But now you are also scornful because she's not telling you everything now.

 

You are really acting kind of schizophrenic here. You are turned off because she's kind of slutty but you are somehow thinking you can mitigate that contempt you feel towards her if she would only divulge just how slutty she really is.

 

Let's face facts here, your GF is pretty slutty and there are a lot of guys she banged that are still buzzing around like a swarm of bees flying around a pot of nectar trying to get some more honey.

 

You mis portrayed yourself by telling her that her sluttyness wouldn't bother you and you could handle it, but you underestimated just how sultry she was and underestimated your reaction to it.

 

She's just trying to tiptoe through your emotional minefield trying not to set you off.

 

It's just a matter of timepiece one of you missteps and things blow up.

 

Just end it now before the explosion and someone gets hurt.

 

Find a gal that doesn't have such a slutty past and then both of you keep your yaps shut about who all you've screwed.

[deadelvis]

She's rammed if she does and slammed if she doesn't.

 

You seduced her into divulging the sordid details of her past by promising not to judge and not to hold it against her.

 

But once she did you saw her as tainted and had scorn for her (oh yes you did so don't try to deny that)

 

But now you are also scornful because she's not telling you everything now.

 

You are really acting kind of schizophrenic here. You are turned off because she's kind of slutty but you are somehow thinking you can mitigate that contempt you feel towards her if she would only divulge just how slutty she really is.

 

Let's face facts here, your GF is pretty slutty and there are a lot of guys she banged that are still buzzing around like a swarm of bees flying around a pot of nectar trying to get some more honey.

 

You mis portrayed yourself by telling her that her sluttyness wouldn't bother you and you could handle it, but you underestimated just how sultry she was and underestimated your reaction to it.

 

She's just trying to tiptoe through your emotional minefield trying not to set you off.

 

It's just a matter of timepiece one of you missteps and things blow up.

 

Just end it now before the explosion and someone gets hurt.

 

Find a gal that doesn't have such a slutty past and then both of you keep your yaps shut about who all you've screwed.

 

I just can't understand why she doesn't tell them to buzz off.

[oldshirt]

......and FWIW here, the real deal breaker here isn't really her porn career or how many guys she's banged in the past so this isn't really slit shaming.

 

The real issue here is all these guys are still coming around and she is still involved with them to one degree or another. We don't know if she's still banging them but the fact they are still coming around means that at least the guys think that she will.

.......and she's not doing anything to stop them from thinking that.

 

 

That is enough grounds to bid her a good day and go on about your business in and of itself.

 

If you continue trying to reconcile all these other feelings and issues, you are going to get yourself locked up in a nuthouse from driving yourself crazy.

 

This gal just isn't serious relationship material for you. That doesn't mean she is bad. It just means that you are not the kind of guy that can be involved with someone who does porn and then has all her previous sex partners sniffing around all the time.

 

There's no shame in that for either one of you.

 

This was a near- miss. No harm, no foul. Move along nothing to see here folks.

[oldshirt]

I just can't understand why she doesn't tell them to buzz off.

 

STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND!!

 

Just accept that you two aren't compatible and she isn't the right girl for you.

 

There are 3 billion other women out there. Find one that has a more similar background and similar mores and values to you.

 

Stop trying to cram a square peg into a round hole.

 

Be true to yourself and true to your own feelings and values. Stop trying to reconcile your feelings of scorn and distaste for her lifestyle. You don't have to treat her bad or be mean or disrespectful, just continue on your journey and leave her be.

[Methodical]

I don't want to go into details but... no it's hard to hear the person you love talking about doing depraved sexual acts. But I was able to get past it because I love her. But now she's become very secretive about which of her friends she's had sex with.

 

Look at where being honest got her the first time. Being called a lying-bitch-whore. Why would she want to tell you who she did what with? For more of the same treatment?

[oldshirt]

Here's the root of your issues and is the heart of your angst and indecision.

 

It's a maturity, experience and confidence issue.

 

You don't quite have the experience to discriminate the exact type of woman yet and didn't have the experience to fully realize what would turn you off to the degree that it did. You thought you could handle her colorful past, but once you were waist deep in it, you couldn't.

 

You didn't have the maturity to immediately recognize the incompatibility or to reconcile all your conflicting feelings over it so you drove yourself to borderline schizophrenia trying to deal with it.

 

And you don't have the confidence to realize you can just walk away and find a more compatible girl in a short period of time. Deep down you feel this is your last shot at love and if you blow you will die alone in a skid row apartment being eaten by your cat's.

 

That is a false illusion. You'll have plenty of opportunities to date, have sex, find love etc etc etc. It's purely your insecurities that are telling you to try to hold on to some slutty chick who's lifestyle and values are vastly different than yours.

 

A mature, experienced, confident, integrated, adult man walks away when he realizes some gal is not right for him and is not a match for him even if she is soft and pretty and gives good blow jobs.

 

No anger, no contempt or bitterness, no bad blood. It just wasn't "right."

 

This situation is going to bring you one big step closer to being that man.

[autumnnight]

So tame compared to the things she's done.

 

Like I said. It's about judgement and moral one-upmanship.

 

I would advise her to cut her losses.

[Methodical]

I would advise her to cut her losses.

 

Nicely put Autumnnight!

[ascendotum]

I never meant to hurt her or our relationship but I really didn't expect the things she told me to be so intense. There are a few things in particular that I can't even think about without feeling sick. Telling me which of her male friends she's slept with won't even phase me after the things she's told me about her past working in the sex industry.

 

I thought her past in the industry was very tame. Like she had sex with one old guy and was just a hostess at parties/orgies for some well off folks. Personally if I had a wild/kinky past gf tell me that I'd be very sceptical it was just that, which is why I can see the OP is wound up over this. She was upfront and shared information with him which is commendable. I would like to know if a gf used to be a freak, and I certainly would not automatically dump her for it. It depends how much emotional baggage she brings with her now and if she was a freak for numerous other guys many of them f-buddies but not for me, which would then be a turn off.

 

From reading posts on LS its clear quite a few guys cant handle the past. Ideally though a promiscuous women/man would not be a good match for a conservative man/woman. Its simply a case of incompatibility + not the right person, but many people (M & F) will deceive to get what they want. A number of female friends I've known for yrs that used used to be DTF girls but now they have this 'eew I'm not that sort of girl' persona and are dating guys they would not have had the time of day for when younger. Of course they are going to be vague about their past or outright lie. To me they're phonies, and I would not want them for a gf. They are better off just dating the guys they used to (but now they want more romantic/stable/better off guys).

 

My last gf told me how many she had slept with (big No.) and doing numerous 3somes and it didn't phase me, but she said she never did stranger sex + certain characteristics were important to her, but conversations that cropped over time showed otherwise. I would rather she just left the last bits out rather than paint false impression, which is the bit that bugged me (but no dealbreaker). For OP its a little like that as well. He got an earful on her wild past and was okay with that (turned him on a to a degree), but some things she said he suspects are not quite the full truth and somewhat painting a false impression. For sure many people here will say she should have said nothing that way she wont trip up.

 

For partners that are not especially special or not going to be long term I can appreciate the 'my past is my business & none of your business' attitude. Ironically though quite a few people tend to more open with their past with their NSA partners and will then do the opposite with the partners that truly love them. I find it strange that even for the most important person in your life - your fiance, that people will keep their full nature secret from them with the 'my past is my business and none of your business' deal.

Edited June 5, 2015 by ascendotum

[acrosstheuniverse]

I am really open to be honest. I've had a pretty wild sexual past (the BDSM scene, being a sub etc.) and it usually comes up at some point with someone. So it depends really on what the new partner wants to know, if they ask about something I will tell the truth as my history is part of me and I'm not ashamed; if they ask something they can't handle the answer to then that's on them. With my current partner I guess we know our 'number' and whether we've had one night stands, that kinda thing. At the start if I had any friends I had once been intimate with I would share that if there was a likelihood of me or us running into them or meeting up with them, if my partner was meeting up with a female friend he'd once slept with I would like to know that but I've never been interested in a 'so, which friends have you slept with?' Convo for the sake of it. I'd just say something like 'oh *guy/friend/ex* asked if I fancied a coffee, we used to date, would you mind me going? Do you want to come?' And emphasise that it's nothing but a friendship and I'd be happy to introduce.

 

I still see my ex Master from a D/s relationship we had in 2010; we were close friends before and after it all happened. My ex wasn't happy with me seeing him so I didn't during that relationship but my current partner isn't bothered at all, he would rather not come along as he thinks he'd feel weird but is happy for me to go as he just says he trusts me. Which is lovely. But I wouldn't have met up unless a) partner knew the history and b) he was okay with it. Out of respect.

 

Some people can handle knowing their partners history, some can't. Now and then it'll come up, we've been together 17 months and the other day got into a 'did you say you'd never done anal before or did I imagine that?' Conversation then just had a laugh about some of the weirdest things that have happened to us during sex and then carried on with our day. It's nice.

[autumnnight]

From reading posts on LS its clear quite a few guys cant handle the past.

 

tru dat ......

[oldshirt]

Correct. Brutally honest about the details of her past sexual exploits. Now she's clammed up over which of her male friends she's had sex with, yet maintains constant contact via text and hanging out with tons of different guys, the majority of which are former flings and FB's. She doesn't feel I have any business knowing who she's screwed, even if it's someone she texts constantly (I have no idea what they talk about, I caught a glimpse of a few texts and the guys were basically begging her to come hang out with them, which she does) and makes plans to hang out with when I'm not around. I feel this is hurtful. I would never do that to her.

 

This is what I am getting at. If you aren't ok with this type of behavior and not what you want a GF to be doing, then it doesn't really matter if she divulges which ones she's screwed and which ones she hasn't.

 

She could even be a virgin for that matter and if it bothers you that she is constantly going out with other guys, then it's time to throw in the towel.

[oldshirt]

....... and just a side note, if all these guys are really "begging" her to hang out, it means they are at least expecting to get something out of the deal if not actually getting it.

 

Guys don't 'beg' women that don't put out to hang out with them.

 

Just say' n.

 

 

Your GF sounds pretty slutty. That's her right. Your choice is either suck it up and live with it. Or move on. You have no right to get on her or pressure her or change her or demean her.

 

Your options are accept her as is or find someone else.

[ascendotum]

tru dat ......

 

To be fair with DE, he is not as bad as some of the other guys that have posted on here freaking out over what their gfs told them. He is more tolerant than many guys imo. He was fine with her promiscuity, but not so crazy how she was freakier with past guys but not so much with him (so would I), and was even initially fine with her tales of working in the sex industry, but just as time went on a bit ore info comes to light and things dont quite add up, which would bug quite a few partners of either sex (for some just a little for others a lot). If a gf slept with 38 guys and said she had been with 30 its not going to be that bad a deception imo, but if she told her conservative bf that she only slept with 5 and never did casual sex (like in some past cases on here) then that's much bigger distortion/deception and would piss a lot of partners off for that alone, excluding any issue they may/may not have about her past. That's why some women here will just dodge any past talk to side step any issue, but if you're not ashamed of yourself then you should be able to handle a bit of chat over it.

 

This girl certainly has a wild past alright and she has been very upfront, but its just annoying him that she is still under playing her past. He's been somewhat okay up till fairly recently but if she was to talk about being paid to service a bunch of guys at these sex parties I think it would tip things over the edge for him (and vast majority of guys I'd say) and she likely realize that so could well be putting a false positive spin on those events. She would have been better off just not mentioning the hosting at sex parties/escort work, though naturally quite a few guys would like to know the real nature of the girl behind the gf. 100s of thousands of guys are now dating or married to former hookers and just will never know it. This girl's past is an extreme case though.

 

I think apart from some aspects of her past and some ex f-buddies still hanging around, she's his ideal gf and he would want a long term future with her but she's too much for him from reading some of his posts. Its doing his head in and he's not properly enjoying being with her. He should just try enjoy her as a badgirl gf for the intermediate future and not worry about her being his wife. * though these recent posts about possible f-buddies still sniffing about and her staying chummy with them should really be a deal breaker for her being a gf. Her past is actively interrupting into their relationship

Edited June 5, 2015 by ascendotum

[serial muse]

and while we're at it... I believe that a man (or woman) is nothing more than an accumulation of the choices made. I stand behind my decisions, good or bad, and own them without shame or remorse. I will tell anything to anyone, either here on this forum or in real life. My story is an open book. I hide behind nothing. I stand ready and willing to take full responsibilty for my every action, in the eyes of my peers, my partners and Santa Clause himself.

 

In my opinion this is what makes a man. Accountabity for ones actions.

 

But you're not taking accountability for your actions - which was precisely the point of my earlier question. You say you're really concerned with honesty, but you were not honest, and you won't acknowledge that that matters. And now you're brushing that away by suggesting that your reaction (and, let's face it, your own sexual past) isn't relevant, only her past and her honesty, because she's no longer quite so forthcoming about things as she was previously. Even though the reason she isn't has everything to do with your reaction, apparently!

 

I don't know, you sound like you've got a long of anger and not a whole lot of self-awareness.

 

But let's face facts. Bottom line, you're dating someone who has a sexual past that's more than you can handle. I think it was more than you could handle long before this "honesty" issue came up - that's just justification.

 

I think that you're just looking for reasons to break up with her now - making her the bad guy - so that you don't have to face that you kind of flubbed it. It's not because she's lying to you, and it's not because she has a different viewpoint on honesty, and it's not because she did anything wrong, really. It's because you don't like her level of sexual experience in general, and you can't admit to yourself that you're feeling a bit prudish about this. So you have to pretend to yourself that it's about honesty.

 

It isn't.

Edited June 5, 2015 by serial muse

[deadelvis]

Last night we got into another fight about this. It ended with me basically telling her that theres only two ways we can go at this. Full disclosure or non-disclosure. I'm ok with either at this point. Obviously I would prefer complete transparency and open communication but at this juncture I think just minding our own business and not divulging which people we've had sex with might be the only way to save the relationship. This is ridiculous because I have literally one other female friend and she has like 30 male friends, all of which she slept with. I'm honestly starting to think there might not be much chance for saving this relationship. I love her, but I don't know if I can really be in a relationship with someone who has slept with ALL her male friends and continues to hang out with them. If she respected me and the relationship this wouldn't be an issue. I'd take a bullet for her, yet she isn't willing to cut her former sex buddies out of her life? Thats a pretty clear indication that she values her "friends" more than the relationship (BTW most of these guys are not attractive at all and complete douchbags... they are the definition of orbiters in every sense of the word)

 

The whole situation is really f**ked up. I think I might just break up with her. I love her so much but I don't feel like I trust her. It's not ok to be in a LTR with someone if you don't trust each other.

 

The non-disclosure thing is a last attempt to save the relationship but I really don't think I could trust someone who hides things from me, even if we agree it's for the best. I'm seriously at the end of my rope with this whole situation. It's been really stressing me out. I'm at a point where I'm not even mentally stable. This is ruining my life.

Edited June 5, 2015 by deadelvis

[blueskyday]

It's simple. Be honest. I think the OP is well within his rights to know his girlfriend's past, the true picture of men who are around, and to have whatever reaction he has to the truth.

 

I think he has the best of intentions, and is trying to be ok with a distressing situation. He is scared and doesn't yet understand what her past means to their relationship. Add in the fact that she's not being honest because she's scared (and he's not?) I understand his trepidation. Relationships require trust, and trust requires honesty. His need for honesty trumps her need for comfort, which is delivered via deception.

 

First off all, our partners have a right to an accurate picture of our past. If I had a wild past, then I would mention it in a general way and explain what I learned from it and what I want now. We are the sum of our choices. Own them. covering up your past is a lie. If you lie on your resume, you can get fired!

 

As for running into a past lover anywhere in public, I would simply say that he was someone I dated. Even if it was a one night stand, I would use an euphemism like that, and say briefly dated. Most everyone assumes we have had sex with people we have dated. Later, in private. if my partner wanted to know more, I would give the info about duration and nature of the relationship, saying it was a one time thing or whatever. What I don't do is give particulars about positions, etc. There is a balance. General truth, not specifics. But I would disclose "adventures" like any threesomes or things not on the general menu. The conversations that result are often necessary and enlightening.

 

If I had slept with anyone ever at work, I would tell. Ditto for any friends, but I'm not too keen on keeping ex lovers around anyway, especially when I'm in a relationship. It seems disrespectful to me.

 

Disrespect is lying. The truth needs to be told so that the image and the truth are one. When we tell the truth all the time. conversations can become brief and bonding as we get to know each other more deeply, and respond to our partner's concerns and needs.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But there is no way your relationship can ever be OK so why are you persisting?? It's broke already and it's not because of her number of sex partners either!!! Next time you get a girlfriend I think you should try for a virgin since it's not going to be OK with you to ask the number and then believe the answer right???

[Giggle]

Huh. Somebody asked me to stop doing things like talking to and hanging out with somebody who was in my life before them.. And for far longer.. Can kiss my ass.

 

Break up already.

[deadelvis]

It's simple. Be honest. I think the OP is well within his rights to know his girlfriend's past, the true picture of men who are around, and to have whatever reaction he has to the truth.

 

I think he has the best of intentions, and is trying to be ok with a distressing situation. He is scared and doesn't yet understand what her past means to their relationship. Add in the fact that she's not being honest because she's scared (and he's not?) I understand his trepidation. Relationships require trust, and trust requires honesty. His need for honesty trumps her need for comfort, which is delivered via deception.

 

First off all, our partners have a right to an accurate picture of our past. If I had a wild past, then I would mention it in a general way and explain what I learned from it and what I want now. We are the sum of our choices. Own them. covering up your past is a lie. If you lie on your resume, you can get fired!

 

As for running into a past lover anywhere in public, I would simply say that he was someone I dated. Even if it was a one night stand, I would use an euphemism like that, and say briefly dated. Most everyone assumes we have had sex with people we have dated. Later, in private. if my partner wanted to know more, I would give the info about duration and nature of the relationship, saying it was a one time thing or whatever. What I don't do is give particulars about positions, etc. There is a balance. General truth, not specifics. But I would disclose "adventures" like any threesomes or things not on the general menu. The conversations that result are often necessary and enlightening.

 

If I had slept with anyone ever at work, I would tell. Ditto for any friends, but I'm not too keen on keeping ex lovers around anyway, especially when I'm in a relationship. It seems disrespectful to me.

 

Disrespect is lying. The truth needs to be told so that the image and the truth are one. When we tell the truth all the time. conversations can become brief and bonding as we get to know each other more deeply, and respond to our partner's concerns and needs.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel.

[deadelvis]

Huh. Somebody asked me to stop doing things like talking to and hanging out with somebody who was in my life before them.. And for far longer.. Can kiss my ass.

 

Break up already.

 

 

But do you hang out with a bunch of people you used to have sex with? It's not like I'm asking her to kick her friends to the curb. Long time friends and ex's from the past are one thing. We're talking about dozens of random dudes who she f**ked and she considers them her "friends".

[deadelvis]

But there is no way your relationship can ever be OK so why are you persisting?? It's broke already and it's not because of her number of sex partners either!!! Next time you get a girlfriend I think you should try for a virgin since it's not going to be OK with you to ask the number and then believe the answer right???

 

I don't want a virgin, I just want honesty. I don't think thats too much to ask for. I don't hide anything. She shouldn't either.

[Methodical]

I don't want a virgin, I just want honesty. I don't think thats too much to ask for. I don't hide anything. She shouldn't either.

 

You act like she is someone you just met a few months ago and thru the course of casual "getting to know one another" conversation, her past is coming to light. How could you have been oblivious to her character if you have known her for 10 years like you have said?

[autumnnight]

Last night we got into another fight about this. It ended with me basically telling her that theres only two ways we can go at this. Full disclosure or non-disclosure. I'm ok with either at this point. Obviously I would prefer complete transparency and open communication but at this juncture I think just minding our own business and not divulging which people we've had sex with might be the only way to save the relationship. This is ridiculous because I have literally one other female friend and she has like 30 male friends, all of which she slept with. I'm honestly starting to think there might not be much chance for saving this relationship. I love her, but I don't know if I can really be in a relationship with someone who has slept with ALL her male friends and continues to hang out with them. If she respected me and the relationship this wouldn't be an issue. I'd take a bullet for her, yet she isn't willing to cut her former sex buddies out of her life? Thats a pretty clear indication that she values her "friends" more than the relationship (BTW most of these guys are not attractive at all and complete douchbags... they are the definition of orbiters in every sense of the word)

 

The whole situation is really f**ked up. I think I might just break up with her. I love her so much but I don't feel like I trust her. It's not ok to be in a LTR with someone if you don't trust each other.

 

The non-disclosure thing is a last attempt to save the relationship but I really don't think I could trust someone who hides things from me, even if we agree it's for the best. I'm seriously at the end of my rope with this whole situation. It's been really stressing me out. I'm at a point where I'm not even mentally stable. This is ruining my life.

 

I think for her sake you need to break up. Then I would recommend some counseling for you.

[autumnnight]

It's simple. Be honest. I think the OP is well within his rights to know his girlfriend's past, the true picture of men who are around, and to have whatever reaction he has to the truth.

 

I think he has the best of intentions, and is trying to be ok with a distressing situation. He is scared and doesn't yet understand what her past means to their relationship. Add in the fact that she's not being honest because she's scared (and he's not?) I understand his trepidation. Relationships require trust, and trust requires honesty. His need for honesty trumps her need for comfort, which is delivered via deception.

 

First off all, our partners have a right to an accurate picture of our past. If I had a wild past, then I would mention it in a general way and explain what I learned from it and what I want now. We are the sum of our choices. Own them. covering up your past is a lie. If you lie on your resume, you can get fired!

 

As for running into a past lover anywhere in public, I would simply say that he was someone I dated. Even if it was a one night stand, I would use an euphemism like that, and say briefly dated. Most everyone assumes we have had sex with people we have dated. Later, in private. if my partner wanted to know more, I would give the info about duration and nature of the relationship, saying it was a one time thing or whatever. What I don't do is give particulars about positions, etc. There is a balance. General truth, not specifics. But I would disclose "adventures" like any threesomes or things not on the general menu. The conversations that result are often necessary and enlightening.

 

If I had slept with anyone ever at work, I would tell. Ditto for any friends, but I'm not too keen on keeping ex lovers around anyway, especially when I'm in a relationship. It seems disrespectful to me.

 

Disrespect is lying. The truth needs to be told so that the image and the truth are one. When we tell the truth all the time. conversations can become brief and bonding as we get to know each other more deeply, and respond to our partner's concerns and needs.

 

Nice thoughts, but she DID tell him. He freaked out after promising he wouldn't, and now he keeps hounding her to make sure there's "nothing else."

 

This isn't a woman refusing to come clean. This is about a woman who got bitten in the butt for being vulnerable, and she isn't going there again.