How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[Methodical]

I can't recall at this point if you ever gave your "body count," but I do remember you saying it was slightly less than the 40 she admitted. Why is it okay for you to have f*cked 38 women and it's so horrific that she's f*cked 40 men? Is she badgering you to define which women you have f*cked and in what way? Is she degrading you because of the sexual acts you have performed? Has she asked you to give lurid accounts of your sexual activity?

 

I can understand you having reservation concerning her meeting up alone with numerous past lovers for lunch or whatever, but if it's one or two here or there, that's a little too paranoid.

[Methodical]

Nice thoughts, but she DID tell him. He freaked out after promising he wouldn't, and now he keeps hounding her to make sure there's "nothing else."

 

This isn't a woman refusing to come clean. This is about a woman who got bitten in the butt for being vulnerable, and she isn't going there again.

 

AMEN, Sista!

[Emilia]

What you have going OP is a fully blown toxic and abusive relationship. I now feel that you have stepped into abuser territory.

[deadelvis]

I can't recall at this point if you ever gave your "body count," but I do remember you saying it was slightly less than the 40 she admitted. Why is it okay for you to have f*cked 38 women and it's so horrific that she's f*cked 40 men? Is she badgering you to define which women you have f*cked and in what way? Is she degrading you because of the sexual acts you have performed? Has she asked you to give lurid accounts of your sexual activity?

 

I can understand you having reservation concerning her meeting up alone with numerous past lovers for lunch or whatever, but if it's one or two here or there, that's a little too paranoid.

 

 

I actually have no problem with her number. We are actually right in the same general range (40ish) so thats ideal in my opinion. (assuming she's been honest, which I am starting to doubt) I had a difficult time when she explained some of the sexual behaviors she's been involved with in the past (for example: prostituting herself to a man who was 40 years older than her, and then saying it was one of the most satisfying experiences she ever had... wtf? seriously? hearing than made want to vomit) but I have forced myself to accept her past sexual choices and it's not an issue in our relationship anymore. At this point I just don't like the fact that she has had sex with all her male friends, continues to hang out with them, and doesn't mention which ones she's had sex with. Just to clear that up.

[Auspecial]

First let me say I'm sorry for beating this topic to death but this has become a big point of contention between me and my SO. I would like to get some feedback here on what is an appropriate level of disclosure regarding past sexual partners and practices.

 

I've noticed two extremely opposing views on this. Some people believe in a firm "don't ask, don't tell" policy and consider each person's past to be irrelevant and off-limits for discussion. The past is the past. It's none of your business.

 

The other school of thought seems to be one of complete transparency and disclosure. In a relationship there are no secrets. My life is an open book. Sharing your past history allows you to better understand your partner and their life experiences.

 

I think both of these approaches has it's pro's and con's, and a healthy relationship would probably fall somewhere between the two. Obviously writing out a detailed description of ones entire sexual history would be way too far, but complete secrecy is obviously equally unhealthy. Both extremes reflect a lack of trust in the relationship.

 

My question is where do you personally draw the line?

 

If you had past sexual relations with a friend, colleague, or associate would that be considered pertinent information?

 

What about aquaintances... facebook friends?

 

The waitress at a restaurant? Strangers in a bar? Bumping into someone at the supermarket?

 

Where do you draw the line?

 

Some people have suggested that any sexual partner within one year preceding the start of the relationship should be disclosed to the current partner.

 

What about sexual practices?

 

Should you feel obligated to inform your partner of details in your past which fall into the catagory of questionable or promiscuous behavior?

 

Should you discuss numbers of partners? Specific sexual acts you have participated in? Threesomes? Orgies?

 

Most people would agree that if you were involved in the sex trade (prostitution, porn etc.) that information should be provided to your partner, but what about lesser sexual deviations? Hiring hookers? Using escorts? Frequenting strip clubs? What constitutes an appropriate amount of disclosure in a trusting relationship?

 

I realize this is a very subjective topic but any opinion is relevant and appreciated.

 

Where is the line between honesty, secrecy and oversharing?

 

Thanks for your replies, and sorry again about beating this topic to death.

 

My relationship is crumbling due to opposing views on this issue.

 

 

I am not quite sure how a relationship could actually crumble because of this one issue.

 

It really does seem like a non-issue to me. Don't ask/don't tell = non-issue.

 

For the most part, if a partner pressured for me to tell them details, I would be very suspicious of their motivation to "know." It feels like they are trying to find something to fault, just any "dirty little avenue" to dis-credit someone or de-value them, for that moment, or in the future. Why do this? I guess deep down they are very insecure and want ammunition in their arsenal so they don't feel as weak as they really are.

 

If a partner insists on telling me things about their past that I have in no way requested to hear, I consider that to be an attack on some level. That person wants me to doubt myself, look at the two of us as nothing special, and thus put an unnatural divide in the relationship. I lose interest in that person, because they have essentially "innocently" (in the guise of open-minded free speech) attacked me and show lack of respect for me as a person.

 

Having said all of this, if this issue is truly destroying your relationship, how about just saying/doing whatever to keep the peace? Because it appears (as you have said) the relationship is already doomed, so what is there to lose at this point?

[deadelvis]

...if this issue is truly destroying your relationship, how about just saying/doing whatever to keep the peace?...

 

That's what I've been trying to do, and it works most of the time but when I look over and see she's texting and making plans to hang out with some guy who she used to screw, it's difficult for me to "keep the peace"

[Methodical]

Frankly, I'm surprised clamming up is all she has done. Since she TRUSTED DE to HONOR his word that nothing would change... he has:

 

1. belittled

2. degraded

3. went from saying she was his soulmate to calling her a liar, whore, bitch, slut

4. deemed her untrustworthy (bc hey, he didn't allow her truth to affect him like he promised, NOT )

5. wretched over her giving lurid accounts after being asked for them

 

The list goes on and on and on and on...

 

At this point, even if you agree to non-disclosure, there is no trust or respect left in this relationship. You will NEVER be at peace, Ever!

[SammySammy]

Frankly, I'm surprised clamming up is all she has done. Since she TRUSTED DE to HONOR his word that nothing would change... he has:

 

1. belittled

2. degraded

3. went from saying she was his soulmate to calling her a liar, whore, bitch, slut

4. deemed her untrustworthy (bc hey, he didn't allow her truth to affect him like he promised, NOT )

5. wretched over her giving lurid accounts after being asked for them

 

The list goes on and on and on and on...

 

At this point, even if you agree to non-disclosure, there is no trust or respect left in this relationship. You will NEVER be at peace, Ever!

 

Agreed.

 

This is another guy that needs to spend some time alone. Get himself together before torturing another woman with his insecurities and other issues.

[deadelvis]

Frankly, I'm surprised clamming up is all she has done. Since she TRUSTED DE to HONOR his word that nothing would change... he has:

 

1. belittled

 

No, I don't do this

 

2. degraded

 

Never

 

3. went from saying she was his soulmate to calling her a liar, whore, bitch, slut

 

I would never say those words to her. Although technically she is 3 out of those 4 things

 

4. deemed her untrustworthy (bc hey, he didn't allow her truth to affect him like he promised, NOT )

 

This, however is the issue. If you are dishonest and secretive about who you had sex with, especially people who you still hang out with, that is a valid reason to lose trust. Admittedly I did freak out when she told me stuff like her experiences with prostituting herself to a man 40 years older than her. I think most people would be a bit uncomfortable with that. My reaction was pretty calm considering the nature of that disclosure.

 

5. wretched over her giving lurid accounts after being asked for them

 

We shared a lot in the beginning. She told me some things that any reasonable person would be horrified about.

 

The list goes on and on and on and on...

 

At this point, even if you agree to non-disclosure, there is no trust or respect left in this relationship. You will NEVER be at peace, Ever!

 

 

You sure make a lot of assumptions.

 

Anyway... the trust is gone. She has been so secretive about which of her "friends" she's had sex with and the nature of those "friendships" my trust in her has been completely ruined.

Edited June 5, 2015 by deadelvis

[Methodical]

BTW, deadelvis, I do understand that this "1" issue isn't like a stumped toe, it's more like and amputated foot for you. I get what you are saying...100%.

 

But, I don't think you see from my perspective nor do you care to bc it doesn't really "affect" me one way or another. This isn't about defending her, this is about you and your reaction.

 

Maybe she, too, felt like she had met her soulmate in you and that is why when you asked questions, promising nothing would change, she believed you, she trusted you, she had FAITH in YOU. That you were an HONORABLE man, true to your word, and she felt SAFE with you.

 

THEN, after spilling the information you sought, you went against everything you said, everything you promised, everything you claim you stand for...transparency, honesty, love.

 

I don't think you are a horrible person, but I do believe you thought you were mature and man enough to handle the truth and now realize how wrong you were... This is sad, I do think you may have shared a soulful connection with each other, and because of that sharing the truth has destroyed something that had the potential to be beautiful and fulfilling. Sometimes it is best not to NEED all the minute details.

[SammySammy]

It's hard to have a relationship without trust.

 

I feel that my relationships need four things to survive - mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance. If one or more of those things is missing, then the relationship is in serious trouble and probably won't survive unless what is missing is restored.

[Methodical]

You sure make a lot of assumptions.

 

Anyway... the trust is gone. She has been so secretive about which of her "friends" she's had sex with and the nature of those "friendships" my trust in her has been completely ruined.

 

None of that is assumptions. There is evidence in your posts. I never said you said these things to her, I said you have... because whether or not you say these things to her, you are treating her this way.

[Methodical]

It's hard to have a relationship without trust.

 

I feel that my relationships need four things to survive - mutual love, trust, respect and acceptance. If one or more of those things is missing, then the relationship is in serious trouble and probably won't survive unless what is missing is restored.

 

Exactly, and very nicely stated! ^^^This 100X.

[deadelvis]

When we were talking about our sexual history and I promised to never judge her for her past I wasn't really understanding what she had done. I thought she was going to say something like "I did a threesome with my boyfriend and his best friend" (ironically she did actually say that exact sentence) but what I was not expecting was "I used to work as an escort and once I f**ked a 65 year old man for $500 and it was probably the most sexually fulfilling experience of my life"

 

That was not what I had agreed to when I said I would "not get upset or judge her".

 

I really expected "normal" stuff like "oh I've had some one night stands, once I got drunk and had sex with my roommate etc." the whole prostitution thing kind of blew my mind. I thought I knew her pretty well but sometimes people can really surprise you.

 

So yeah. I kind of freaked out about that. I actually think I was pretty calm about the whole thing. Most guys would have walked out right then.

 

But I don't hold any of that against her. I saw a therapist and worked through her crazy past sexual history. Now it's just about her male "friends" and her relationships with all these former f**k buddies

Edited June 5, 2015 by deadelvis

[Methodical]

When we were talking about our sexual history and I promised to never judge her for her past I wasn't really understanding what she had done. I thought she was going to say something like "I did a threesome with my boyfriend and his best friend" (ironically she did actually say that exact sentence) but what I was not expecting was "I used to work as an escort and once I f**ked a 65 year old man for $500 and it was probably the most sexually fulfilling experience of my life"

 

That was not what I had agreed to when I said I would "not get upset or judge her".

 

I really expected "normal" stuff like "oh I've had some one night stands, once I got drunk and had sex with my roommate etc." the whole prostitution thing kind of blew my mind. I thought I knew her pretty well but sometimes people can really surprise you.

 

So yeah. I kind of freaked out about that. I actually think I was pretty calm about the whole thing. Most guys would have walked out right then.

 

But I don't hold any of that against her. I saw a therapist and worked through her crazy past sexual history. Now it's just about her male "friends" and her relationships with all these former f**k buddies

 

You had preconceived notions that were inaccurate, which opened a Pandora's box.

 

Maybe you two can come to a mutual compromise and salvage this relationship, though it doesn't look promising.

[autumnnight]

I would never say those words to her. Although technically she is 3 out of those 4 things

 

This one disgusting statement would do it for me. I'd be out the door.

[oldshirt]

You're making this too complex.

 

The role of dating is to spend time with someone and do things together to get to know each other in order to tell if this is the person you want to marry and have a home and family with (in other cultures and times, peoples mates were picked by their elders for them)

 

You've dated her, got to know her, and now you know that shes not that person.

 

Case closed.

 

Why are you still driving the both of you crazy over this?

[deadelvis]

This one disgusting statement would do it for me. I'd be out the door.

 

Why? The truth is pretty clear. Not saying I don't love her but lets be really straight about this

 

1. had sex for money = whore

2. lied about who she's slept with = liar

3. slept with 40 men = slut

 

It's not like I am calling her those words to her face, but lets not confuse the facts...

[eye of the storm]

That was not what I had agreed to when I said I would "not get upset or judge her".

But it was. You did not say, I agree to not get upset and judge XYZ, you said tell me all and I won't get upset or judge. And then you did.

 

But I don't hold any of that against her

But you do, because otherwise you would not be constantly referring to when she was with the older guy and acting disgusted.

 

 

But none of that really matters. What matters is, you and she no longer trust each other. You don't trust her to not go out on you, and she doesn't trust opening up to you anymore. Both of those things are relationship killers.

 

I cringe when someone talks about staying with someone they are completely incompatible with because they "love them". In romance novels and rom-com movies love overcomes all things but in reality, day in day out....it doesn't.

 

It doesn't matter if its sexual, financial, moral, legal, or anything else if either one or both are incompatible in a major area it should end or eventually it will become toxic.

 

Most of us know someone who is a "spender" and is married to a "saver". Usually it ends up in divorce because they both start to feel the other is out to control or change them. People start sneaking money (to either spend or save), people get passive aggressive, they fight, they forget about all the things that brought them together and all they can focus on is this one area of incompatibility.

 

I don't know if your GF is running around on you. And at this point it doesn't matter. She could be as virtuous as a nun while out with the guys, you do not trust her. And that right there is why you should be kind and end it.

 

There is no shame in realizing that someone is not right for you and/or you are not right for them.

 

There will be nothing but hate between you the longer you let this drag on. For both your sakes, end it now.

[deadelvis]

You're making this too complex.

 

The role of dating is to spend time with someone and do things together to get to know each other in order to tell if this is the person you want to marry and have a home and family with (in other cultures and times, peoples mates were picked by their elders for them)

 

You've dated her, got to know her, and now you know that shes not that person.

 

Case closed.

 

Why are you still driving the both of you crazy over this?

 

The problem is that we do actually love each other very much and it's not easy to just walk away from that.

[autumnnight]

Why? The truth is pretty clear. Not saying I don't love her but lets be really straight about this

 

1. had sex for money = whore

2. lied about who she's slept with = liar

3. slept with 40 men = slut

 

It's not like I am calling her those words to her face, but lets not confuse the facts...

 

Breaks promise = liar

Upset about sexual past while having an extensive one of one's own = hypocrite

Assumes the worst about someone they claim to love = jerk

 

You're right, let's not confuse the facts

[ASG]

But do you hang out with a bunch of people you used to have sex with? It's not like I'm asking her to kick her friends to the curb. Long time friends and ex's from the past are one thing. We're talking about dozens of random dudes who she f**ked and she considers them her "friends".

 

Yes! Believe it or not, I have long term friends I hang out with who I have had sex with at some point. It is none of your business.

[oldshirt]

The simple mathematics of this is she simply is not as invested in this relationship and doesn't take it as seriously as you.

 

You need to decide if you are willing to continue with it or not.

 

You can't negotiate or contract her level of desire for you or her level of investment. You are beating your head into a wall here.

[deadelvis]

Yes! Believe it or not, I have long term friends I hang out with who I have had sex with at some point. It is none of your business.

 

Have you mentioned this to your SO? If so how does he feel about this?

 

Or let me guess... It's not of his business? Sounds healthy...

[oldshirt]

The problem is that we do actually love each other very much and it's not easy to just walk away from that.

 

You'll leave when the pain of staying outweighs the disruption of leaving.