How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[deadelvis]

I still keep in touch and hang out with my most recent ex, but my current GF has made it clear she is fine with this. My ex has a new boyfriend and we have zero desire to ever rekindle our relationship. We didn't even have sex for the last 6 months of our relationship. But all my f-buddies and flings are no longer a part of my life. I tend to stay in touch with any long term ex's because of the friendship factor. We both agree that's pretty normal. Her long term ex's don't bother me. I know they aren't a threat. It's the former "casual hookups" who she keeps around as "friends" that really bother me, especially the ones from very recently.

[Poutrew]

... Her long term ex's don't bother me. I know they aren't a threat. It's the former "casual hookups" who she keeps around as "friends" that really bother me, especially the ones from very recently.

 

 

And now you have had the conversation where no matter what she does, you aren't going to be notified when she gets back. By agreeing to keep your lives separate and not tell each other anything, she now has implicit permission to **ck anyone she wants to, whenever she wants. Your relationship is now officially 'open'. She isn't going to tell you anything about the comfort she receives from her casual flings, and if you want this girl bad enough, you are going to simply live with that. Of course, the same hold true with you - if you meet up with another pretty girl, you are free to do what you want with her guiltfree. I know the message to set this girl free isn't one you want to hear, but in a way, your relationship has already ended. All that is left is to throw some water on the dying embers and get on with your life.

[deadelvis]

right. while technically we are still monogamous to each other, she even gave me the dreaded "I need space" line, which we all know is code for "it's over". I'm not going to start seeing anyone else, and I doubt she will either. Niether of us is really in a big hurry to find someone else. She could have any guy she wanted, but at this point she's pretty careful about letting new people into her life. But I think it's pretty clear that this relationship is over. I ruined it by being insecure, but she also should have had more respect for my feelings. You live and learn I guess. Maybe over time we will be able to try again and work it out, but "I need space" is pretty much the death sentence for a relationship.

[RedRobin]

What does bother me is guys who were NOT long term friends, but really just a sex buddy who still post comments on every facebook picture about how beautiful she is and text her constantly asking her to hang out. She always maintains that these are her friends too, but I don't really see a casual sex buddy who still obviously pines over her as being a real friendship. while obviously she stopped sleeping with them for a reason, it still doesn't make it appropriate to keep that person in her life.

 

The part in bold... That would bother me too.

 

I have friends who were past BFs. I don't do casual, so there isn't any of those, but I do work around all men, and one or two clearly have or did have a thing for me.

 

My current BF knows about them, has met all of them... And especially the ones who seem to be a bit too flirty now... I def would not do anything one on one with them... I had to ask one of them to stop texting me.

 

I do think it is a question of boundaries now. That said, I would dump any guy who wanted me to wholesale end my male friendships. I do think there is a responsible middle here.

Edited June 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up quote

[deadelvis]

Yeah, but now any middle ground is out the window. Trusting her isn't hard, but keeping our private lives seperate is a sure sign of impending doom. We're barely holding on by a string at this point. I only reply to her texts with one sentence answers and never initiate contact on my own. She hasn't made any effort to see me. It's the old "I need space" game. Now I have to pull away and see if she tries to reel me back in.

[RedRobin]

Yeah, but now any middle ground is out the window. Trusting her isn't hard, but keeping our private lives seperate is a sure sign of impending doom. We're barely holding on by a string at this point. I only reply to her texts with one sentence answers and never initiate contact on my own. She hasn't made any effort to see me. It's the old "I need space" game. Now I have to pull away and see if she tries to reel me back in.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

To answer your original question... I only discuss parts of my sexual past that inform and demonstrate my choices and values.

 

I need to get a sense of his values too. If he had indulged in casual sex or FWB, it needs to have been in his distant past. Of course, I won't ask a guy that straight out. I listen to how he talks about sex and relationships before we ever have sex... And I insist on STD tests in advance. But that is just me. I screen hard.

 

In the future, or maybe even now, I suggest finding ways to talk about overall values and goals, likes and dislikes, rather than specifics with any one individual or set of individuals.

Edited June 9, 2015 by RedRobin

[deadelvis]

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

To answer your original question... I only discuss parts of my sexual past that inform and demonstrate my choices and values.

 

I need to get a sense of his values too. If he had indulged in casual sex or FWB, it needs to have been in his distant past. Of course, I won't ask a guy that straight out. I listen to how he talks about sex and relationships before we ever have sex... And I insist on STD tests in advance. But that is just me. I screen hard.

 

In the future, or maybe even now, I suggest finding ways to talk about overall values and goals, likes and dislikes, rather than specifics with any one individual or set of individuals.

 

We've talked about our values and goals, likes and dislikes etc. Our values are similar in that we both engaged in a lot of casual sex, and (especially for her) sex was a very physical thing, not nessicarily something reserved for a person you love, but instead just a fun thing to do when the mood strikes you. I also had a lot of meaningless sex. I think thats actually something really special about our relationship. In the past we both treated sex very flippantly and didn't usually have a deeper connection with most of our sexual partners. Now we have a really powerful love for each other, and for what might be the first time in our lives, sex is about more than just "getting off". It's a really deep and powerful thing between us. Our goals and beliefs are the same for the most part; to be healthy, happy and survive. Our likes and dislikes (sexually) are very compatible. She's a little more into the "hardcore" stuff than I am. But I'm open to exploring that side of myself. We are both really pleased with our sex life. Thankfully that's never really been an issue.

 

We talked last night and she told me she still loves me and wants us to make this work. This whole "discussions of our past" thing and finding out that she hangs out with a lot of former sex buddies almost destroyed our relationship. Now we're going to completely stop talking about our past sexual lives/relationships etc. and also keep more of our current personal lives private. I really don't want to know who she hangs out with and what their background story is. I trust her to be faithful and I can't concern myself with which of her male friends she's slept with. I already know the answer. All of them.

 

There has certainly been a lesson within this whole experience. It's pretty obvious why most couples don't share their sexual history with each other. I thought we were "sexually liberated" enough to have open communication about our lives and our background, both sexual and otherwise. Those conversations started out fun and informative. We learned about each others turn-ons and preferences, and shared deeply personal stories from our lives. But there can be such thing as too much information. When specific names and details of sexual experiences started to come up, it seems like we crossed a line we shouldn't have. I thought it wouldn't bother me, but then when I see her texting someone and I realize it's one of her former f-buddies it causes me concern. I had to turn off "50 shades of grey" halfway through the movie because it reminded me too much of something she once described being involved in. Details I could have gone my whole life without knowing. Some of those details I asked about before I realized it would bother me. Some details she volunteered on her own. I didn't think it would matter at the time. I was just trying to get a sense of her desires and fantasies. But ultimately that oversharing nearly destroyed our relationship. Now we will try again, doing what most couples do. Keeping our past private and trusting each other to be loyal in the present.

Edited June 9, 2015 by deadelvis

[Emilia]

Yeah, but now any middle ground is out the window. Trusting her isn't hard, but keeping our private lives seperate is a sure sign of impending doom. We're barely holding on by a string at this point. I only reply to her texts with one sentence answers and never initiate contact on my own. She hasn't made any effort to see me. It's the old "I need space" game. Now I have to pull away and see if she tries to reel me back in.

I really really think you need counselling and to be single for a while. You are absolutely hooked on drama and I very much doubt you would recognise a healthy relationship if it smacked you in the face.

[deadelvis]

Thanks. You've been really helpful.

[RedRobin]

Well, sometimes you don't discover what your boundaries are until someone steps over one... and so you discovered it. I'm glad you are being patient with each other, since it does seem that your values are pretty similar and you are compatible. Wouldn't be for me... but that's just me.

 

 

A lot of people want to be all cool and trendy and sexually liberated, blah blah... and tend to throw common sense out of the window in the process. OTOH, many thoughtful and curious people tend to develop their values by trial and error, and don't rely on others to make up their values for them... is my observation.

 

 

As for me... I don't keep my secrets because I'm afraid of upsetting someone or because I'm ashamed. It's because most of them aren't relevant. And the ones that are relevant, or become relevant, I have no problems bringing up or sharing on a case by case basis.