How much information about your sexual history should you share with SO?

[Methodical]

I really don't understand why everyone hates me so much.

 

I realize I made a mistake when I promised her I wouldn't get upset no matter what she confessed to me and then actually did get upset. But like I said, I really did think at the time that I wouldn't get upset. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I realized I was struggling with her story about being an escort. I know I messed up in that situation, but I didn't want to have that reaction, and I regret it. Other than that what have I done that's so horrible? Wanting an honest and transparent relationship doesn't seem like anything bad. It actually seems like a pretty honorable thing. I don't try to control her. I just want to feel like she's honest with me. What have I really done to make you all hate me so much?

 

You originally started out saying that your problem with her was her "number." She told you 40, but because of the things she did sexually, you assumed she was lying about the number and called her a liar. Then you said her number was probably closer to 80. You went on to say that you were keeping a scorecard and making tally marks every time she mentioned a guys name so that you could call her out. You called her a liar and then set out to "Prove" your suspicion. AHEM...that's not love.

 

Then, you say no-no, I'm fine with her number, it the things she did sexually, they were so horrible it made you sick to your stomach. She admitted to pimping out ONE time to an older man and he made her cum in a matter of minutes when it takes you an hour to achieve the same result. You are butt hurt because she doesn't pop easily with you.

 

To add insult to injury, you probe for information, she trusted you, took you for your word, and after doing so, got bashed over and over and over, and is still getting bashed by you. You said you have known her for 10+ years. How is it possible to be so BLIND if you knew her?? NOT!!

 

I can't speak for others, but you started out with A being an issue, then when you were called out for being a hypocrite B became the issue, rinse and repeat, then it became C.

 

You see a lot of fault in her, and have this notion that you are a saint, and you aren't. Basically, you are a man-slut if she is a slut because your number is the same. You are a liar because you made a promise and reneged. You're a hypocrite because you think it's fine for you to have done X, but if she's done it, then it's the most damning, sinful thing ever.

 

Your issue with her keeps changing. I would never call someone I love a lying bitch slut whore. Those labels aren't loving terms. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, which you do not have for her. I can't fathom one day calling my SO my soulmate and the next day a bitch, slut, whore, liar, etc.

[oldshirt]

So obviously if I want this relationship to work, the best solution is to have non-disclosure and just accept that she is going to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants and never tell me anything about which friends she's slept with.

 

I don't want to be controlling or psychologically abusive. but I also don't think it's fair for her to hide things. I guess I just have to accept that she won't tell me a lot of stuff.

 

But the problem is the nondisclosure is having as much negative impact as the disclosure. This is a no-win scenario.

 

And it's not that anyone hates you, it's that your scorn and distrust and contempt of her is palpable even though you don't want it to be like that.

 

In order for a man to love and cherish and honor a woman enough to make a relationship work, he has to respect her and hold her in high esteem first.

 

Very very few men can respect a woman enough for a close relationship after finding out she was making porn and working as a hooker.

 

That was the risk she knowingly took when she started turning tricks and it was the risk you both took when you decided to tell all to each other.

 

Yes it was more than you bargained for and you didn't respond like you expected, but that genie is still out of the bottle.

 

The basic fact is you don't respect her enough to think of her and treat her as a BF should treat his GF. That's unfortunate and sad, but it is the reality.

 

You are trying to turn a whore into a virtuous woman in your own heart and mind and that just ain't work'n for ya.

 

The other dudes are still coming around and still treating her like the town whore and she is ok with that and allowing it to happen.

 

YOU are the one that is causing her angst and distress by trying to love her like a virtuous woman and trying to turn her in to something she is not and obviously does not want to be.

 

She's going to take the burden off of you and break up with you herself in the next few days/weeks.

 

It will be for the best for the both of you. My advice is when she says "I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee." - don't fight it.

 

Don't fight it because you are driving both of you crazy and making both of you miserable.

[oldshirt]

You're are trying to turn a bulldog into a race dog. That just ain't a gonna happen. If someone tries to take a bulldog and turn it into greyhound, it will make both the dog trainer and dog miserable and psychotic.

[autumnnight]

I may have missed it, but where did he state she was cheating on him? I've reading some references to her getting it on behind his back, etc. Is she cheating?

[ASG]

I may have missed it, but where did he state she was cheating on him? I've reading some references to her getting it on behind his back, etc. Is she cheating?

 

Not that anyone knows. OP doesn't even think she is, but because she's going out with a friend she used to sleep with, everyone is assuming she is.

 

OP keeps saying that she has all these friends she used to sleep with hanging around, but the truth is he doesn't really know, because he freaked when she told him about ONE and now she won't disclose whether there are others.

[deadelvis]

She's been faithful so far. My issue with her behavior is I don't think it's very appropriate to be close with all her former hookups. She recently stated that when she was single, rather than having ONS's she would just hookup with her male friends, so over the year she's slept with pretty much all of her friends. I just figured they were hookups who she kept around as a backup plan or something, but she's been explaining that they were all her friends before and after she hooked up with them. And most were only once or twice. But there are a few who were FB's that later developed into friendships. I don't feel particularly comfortable about this, and now she's stopped telling me which ones she's slept with because I wasn't exactly thrilled about her going to hang out with guys who she used to sleep with. So now she just doesn't mention who she's slept with, but so far it's been 100% of her male friends, so it's safe to say that if she's hanging out with a guy they've probably f**ked. I don't think she would cheat on me, at least not right now, but over time it will definitely put her loyalty to the test. And I just don't really see it as appropriate behavior. She doesn't want to admit that most men who are friends with a really attractive girl will usually have feelings for her. There's an old joke... If you think a guy's your friend then come out of the bathroom naked and say "I want you to f**k me." If he says "Sorry, but I value our friendship too much" then he really is your friend. I don't think any of her friends ever said no when she made the offer. She's really attractive. Anyway. I'm really not bent out of shape over her sexual history. We've both had a similar number of partners. She did a few questionable things when she was in her 20's but I'm not bothered by it anymore. When she first told me, like I mentioned, I was a bit shocked and had a hard time accepting those stories, but after a month or two it stopped bothering me. It was just a bit difficult to process at first. But I do feel it's disrespectful to not mention that someone you are hanging out with was once a sex buddy. I don't think that's very cool. But considering how much we've been fighting over it, I have to just accept that it's "none of my business" who she's f**ked among her friends. But that's fine because I've already figured out the answer. She f**ked all of them.

Edited June 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[Poutrew]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and actually say I can definitely understand deadelvis' problems with this woman. I think past sexual history does matter because it determines who you are in the present. For those who can't see the truth of the expression "You are what you eat", what if I was your BF and I confessed to you one night after some very powerful sex, that in the past, I was a hit man for the Mafia, and that I basically got paid to murder people. That I've killed hundreds of people over the years, and that I was good at it and the fact that I never got close to getting caught gave me a sexual high. Then I tell you "Don't worry hun, that was all a long time ago and I am not that person now." (BTW, this is purely a fictional example ).

 

 

I'd bet you'd be heading out the door as fast as you could slip your clothes back on...You are what you eat. Oh, and don't say my example is over the top because it portrays criminal behavior. At one time, prostitution, whoremongering, lying, and the others deadelvis says his GF was, were or still are, illegal.

 

 

Then there is the whole issue of who did what to whom in that 3-way she partook in. Call me old fashioned, but a straight man becoming involved with a woman who is bisex even a little bit, is generally not a good recipe for long term happiness. Deadelvis, though your brain says you love your GF, the simple fact that you are so disturbed by what she tells you is telling me your gut knows otherwise. Listen to your gut, brother.

[Phoe]

I'm one who's not terribly concerned with asking or knowing other than pertinent information that is definitely relevant to sexual health and safety.

 

While I do prefer a man have few partners, I don't ask. If I were given the impression that a man has been with many women, or he outright offered this info without prompting, I'd be weirded out.

 

I am not coworkers, friends with, facebook friends with, or in any other way, shape or form in contact with anyone I've had sex with in the past. I don't believe in keeping those people around... they were removed from my life in the first place for a reason, they will stay that way.

 

Since that's the way I operate, it's hard for me to offer up an opinion on whether one should be aware of whether or not their partner has hooked up with people they're currently friends with, because while I believe in not offering up a detailed history of past partners, I also believe that in many cases it's just not appropriate to keep exes around.

[SammySammy]

I'm one who's not terribly concerned with asking or knowing other than pertinent information that is definitely relevant to sexual health and safety.

 

While I do prefer a man have few partners, I don't ask. If I were given the impression that a man has been with many women, or he outright offered this info without prompting, I'd be weirded out.

 

I am not coworkers, friends with, facebook friends with, or in any other way, shape or form in contact with anyone I've had sex with in the past. I don't believe in keeping those people around... they were removed from my life in the first place for a reason, they will stay that way.

 

Since that's the way I operate, it's hard for me to offer up an opinion on whether one should be aware of whether or not their partner has hooked up with people they're currently friends with, because while I believe in not offering up a detailed history of past partners, I also believe that in many cases it's just not appropriate to keep exes around.

 

Agreed. Exes are exes for a reason.

[ascendotum]

Yes you do try to control her and it's slowly turning into psychological abuse. You keep punishing her for turning out to be different from what you wanted. You are badgering and punishing her. On and on and on you go.

 

I LOT of guys are going to want to put controls on their gf, who is always txting and likely meeting up with a bunch of single guys friends who are still hanging around in her life, that she has had sex with in the past. Many guys once they catch on to her nature would dump her and add to her body count.

 

Those guys who become enchanted with her will try to change/control her behavior so they are not competing for her attention and can trust her that she's changed her wild ways. This is not just a regular ol case of retroactive jealousy. This girl has a hardcore past and has not fully left it - with her having her f-buddies still hanging around highly likely still working on trying to tap her again trying to get a bit of that hardcore sex that she denies her bf.

[Emilia]

I LOT of guys are going to want to put controls on their gf, who is always txting and likely meeting up with a bunch of single guys friends who are still hanging around in her life, that she has had sex with in the past. Many guys once they catch on to her nature would dump her and add to her body count.

 

Those guys who become enchanted with her will try to change/control her behavior so they are not competing for her attention and can trust her that she's changed her wild ways. This is not just a regular ol case of retroactive jealousy. This girl has a hardcore past and has not fully left it - with her having her f-buddies still hanging around highly likely still working on trying to tap her again trying to get a bit of that hardcore sex that she denies her bf.

 

I think being 'enchanted' and turning into a controlling monster is very sad. It's someone trying to get his way by force with complete disregard for another human being's mental health. Those are the men that turn into wife beaters. I don't even get your point on 'denying hardcore sex'. If someone thinks that's an issue in this situation, that opens a certain kind of mind I don't even want to read about.

[ascendotum]

I think being 'enchanted' and turning into a controlling monster is very sad. It's someone trying to get his way by force with complete disregard for another human being's mental health. Those are the men that turn into wife beaters. I don't even get your point on 'denying hardcore sex'. If someone thinks that's an issue in this situation, that opens a certain kind of mind I don't even want to read about.

 

Too much hyperbole imo. This guy is not a controlling monster. He just does not want her txting/meeting up 1 on 1 with former f-buddies. If it was just one guy he could probably deal with it (plenty of threads on LS from others who cant tho), but its not. Its seems its a swag of guys that float around highly likely hoping to talk her into reliving old times. I don't get what you mean by force either. might have missed that post of his.

 

One of my friends was in a relationship where she could not meet any male friends on her own at all, he would be pissed with her when she had to work back at work, she had to report in a number of times during the day, he would authorize what clothes she could buy & wear, he would check her phone, he would correct her on her behavior when out, would get pissed if she showed too much attention to any guy, etc. (a very responsible confident woman too..go figure).To me that's more over the top than the OP. I'm sure there are 100s of cases in the Ls abuse forum much more deserving of 'monster'. A wife beater would not come online looking for advice. They don't want anyone's input on how to treat their woman and they don't want any interference and take care of business their way. As for 'denying hardcore sex'. that the f-buddies hanging around got, its another issue in one of his other threads.

[bson1257]

I don't have a sexual history so I would just tell them N/A

[autumnnight]

Poutrew, the difference between you and the OP is that you have sexual past activity boundaries and would just break up if you couldn't handle it.

 

The OP is sticking around, indulging in his self-righteousness, accusing her of lying, calling her foul names on a forum, and obsessing over it.

 

YOU would just end it. He wants to control it and rub his perceived moral high ground in her face.

[elaine567]

Very little, and even then, only when asked. I share almost no details. That seems to work best for all parties involved.

Agreed.

 

Many people end up in groups, where there is a lot of "love" being shared around. Friends sleep with each other, either as bf/gf or as causal FWB, they eventually settle down and no-one brings it up, as it is all water under the bridge.

Most stay friends at some level and it is all OK.

Others have racy pasts and become "Oh so, proper" and say nothing.

 

Here, this woman with her history of rape, abuse, prolonged counselling and mental health issues is an open book.

She doesn't seem to have many boundaries, all was up for grabs, in her attempts to appease and please.

She thought openness was good - her counselling has made her tongue loose - little is private.

Unfortunately she divulged too much information about her sexual past to the OP, who lapped it all up and now both are paying the price.

[deadelvis]

Too much hyperbole imo. This guy is not a controlling monster. He just does not want her txting/meeting up 1 on 1 with former f-buddies. If it was just one guy he could probably deal with it (plenty of threads on LS from others who cant tho), but its not. Its seems its a swag of guys that float around highly likely hoping to talk her into reliving old times. I don't get what you mean by force either. might have missed that post of his.

 

One of my friends was in a relationship where she could not meet any male friends on her own at all, he would be pissed with her when she had to work back at work, she had to report in a number of times during the day, he would authorize what clothes she could buy & wear, he would check her phone, he would correct her on her behavior when out, would get pissed if she showed too much attention to any guy, etc. (a very responsible confident woman too..go figure).To me that's more over the top than the OP. I'm sure there are 100s of cases in the Ls abuse forum much more deserving of 'monster'. A wife beater would not come online looking for advice. They don't want anyone's input on how to treat their woman and they don't want any interference and take care of business their way. As for 'denying hardcore sex'. that the f-buddies hanging around got, its another issue in one of his other threads.

 

Right. She's in LA right now hanging out with her "friends" and I don't ask who she's hanging with or try to check up on her. I've met a few of her male friends and got along with them fine. I don't mind that she's friends with long term ex's. I also don't care if she may have hooked up with her friends at some point in time. If she was friends with someone for years, they hooked up once or twice and then went back to being friends again and went years without having sex, that doesn't bother me. If she actually wanted to have sex with them she would have just done it back then. There's a reason it only happened a couple times and then they went back to being friends. That's fine with me. I don't have any problem with those guys. They also don't tend to gush all over her facebook photo's and they usually have girlfriends and lives of their own. What does bother me is guys who were NOT long term friends, but really just a sex buddy who still post comments on every facebook picture about how beautiful she is and text her constantly asking her to hang out. She always maintains that these are her friends too, but I don't really see a casual sex buddy who still obviously pines over her as being a real friendship. while obviously she stopped sleeping with them for a reason, it still doesn't make it appropriate to keep that person in her life.

[Poutrew]

Agreed.

 

Many people end up in groups, where there is a lot of "love" being shared around. Friends sleep with each other, either as bf/gf or as causal FWB, they eventually settle down and no-one brings it up, as it is all water under the bridge.

Most stay friends at some level and it is all OK.

Others have racy pasts and become "Oh so, proper" and say nothing.

 

You do bring up a good point. Sometimes those who say nothing have the most to hide. For example, I have no problems bringing up my sexual past, such as it is. I'm a quality guy as opposed to a quantity guy. Because I never defined my manhood with having the ability to put my **ck into a hole, I have no problems having lots of sex with a few partners - one at a time of course. By observing my male friends who chose the opposing philosophy, I know the only things I have 'lost' was catching myriad STDs, cheating spouses, child support payments, alimony, countless arguments about everything under the sun, etc. So, I'd count it as a red flag if my GF didn't want to discuss her history, telling me its none of my business or whatever. On the other hand, if I found out she had been in a lesbian relationship, was a prostitute, was a mule for a drug cartel, or a hit girl for the Mafia, I'd also have no problem leaving her, even if I felt I loved her. Deadelvis needs to reconcile the opposing messages his heart, gut, and brain are sending him. I'd tell him that no matter how much he thinks it may hurt him to cut this one loose, it'll be a thousand times better when he finds the one that would never do any of the things he find objectionable - or a thousand time worse if he sticks with her.

A thousand mile journey begins with the first step.

[deadelvis]

... On the other hand, if I found out she had been in a lesbian relationship, was a prostitute, was a mule for a drug cartel, or a hit girl for the Mafia, I'd also have no problem leaving her, even if I felt I loved her....

 

I find it hilarious that being in a lesbian relationship falls into the same category as being a prostitute, a drug mule or a hit man...

 

What's with that? Personal issue of yours?

 

Most of my GF's have been with women, some in LTR's. I didn't even mention how many of her female friends she's had sex with. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I actually think women who are Bi or ex-lesbians make great partners. I'm not sure why but they seem more stable and less likely to be unfaithful in my experience.

Edited June 6, 2015 by deadelvis

[Poutrew]

I find it hilarious that being in a lesbian relationship falls into the same category as being a prostitute, a drug mule or a hit man...

 

What's with that? Personal issue of yours?

 

Most of my GF's have been with women, some in LTR's. I didn't even mention how many of her female friends she's had sex with. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. I actually think women who are Bi or ex-lesbians make great partners. I'm not sure why but they seem more stable and less likely to be unfaithful in my experience.

 

Perhaps it is just a personal hang-up of mine. But its based on personal experience. As a man, there is going to be a part of a bi woman's heart that I will never have access to. And that is like a ticking time bomb, in that it isn't possible to predict how a woman will react when any stress is placed on a relationship - and there will be stress. I simply don't want to take the chance, after investing in a relationship for a decade, of having my woman fall in love with another woman. For me, it's simply trouble avoidance - the same way I would never look down the barrel of a gun when I am cleaning it, even though I can clearly remember unloading it first. But, if it isn't a problem for you, more power, brother

[deadelvis]

Just an update here for any of you who still have a morbid interest in watching my relationship fall apart.

 

So about 5 days ago we got into an argument about this again... She has only been living in her current location (a guest house at her parents house) for about a year. When we were first dating, we had the talk about STD's and how many sex partners we've had recently. I asked her how many guy's she's slept with since moving here a year ago. She said 3 before me. I know all 3 of these guys and the situation surrounding these partners. They are all fairly nice guys, one is even a friend of mine.

 

Anyway we were in bed and she made a comment about having sex in the guest house and being afraid her parents could hear. We've never had sex there and it took me by surprise because I know all 3 of the guys she dated have their own apartments and it didn't make sense why they would be hanging out at her parents place. I asked her who she had sex with at the guest house and she said "I don't remember". This upset me because obviously she remembers and just didn't want to tell me. I asked her again to tell me who else she had slept with in the past year.

 

She told me there was actually another guy she hadn't mentioned before. Of course it's a guy she still hangs out with. I got upset and told her I don't like that she lied about her recent sexual history and hadn't told me that "so-and-so" had in fact been a sexual partner. She said she doesn't feel comfortable divulging information about her sexual history anymore because she feels judged and scrutinized for it. We both got pretty upset and didn't talk for a few days. When we finally talked about it, we both agreed it's best to start a policy of non-disclosure. We will both stop talking about any of our previous hook-ups, lovers, ex's, flings and whatnot. I won't ask any questions about her past, her friendships or what she does on her free time.

 

We are not going to hang out with each others friends (we rarely do this anyway) and we are both going to have seperate social lives. The phrase "hanging out with friends" is all that needs to be said. We won't ask who or what goes on. It's like we went from complete honesty and transparency to living very secretive and seperate lives overnight. We are also going to stop spending so much time together. In a way I think this is good, because I want us to have our own lives and friends, but I also think it's not really a good long term approach to a healthy relationship. We are essentially going to be keeping our private lives completely secret from each other and never asking questions about who we hang out with or what we do when we aren't together.

 

Now any conversations about our previous sexual partners is off limits for conversation. I don't think this is a very healthy way to be in a relationship. Don't ask and don't tell is not the way people exist in a loving partnership. How long can we possibly live seperate, secret lives without the relationship falling apart? This is supposed to build trust, but I just see it destroying what little trust I have left.

Edited June 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[autumnnight]

First, you don't know what she remembers. You are not a mind reader.

 

Second, please just set this poor girl free already.....

Edited June 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[deadelvis]

obviously she remembers who she's slept with in the past year. It's not some distant memory. She just didn't want to tell me because she knows I don't feel comfortable with her hanging around her more recent f-buddies, which this guy definitely was. We are trying to make it work. I know you don't like me because you think I'm a controlling *******, but believe it or not we actually love each other and want to make it work. And I still think disclosing which people you recently hooked up with in your group of friends is very relevant information and lying about it is exactly what created my lack of trust in the first place. This isn't all just "my problem". She's consistently hidden information about which of her friends she's hooked up with (this is recent, not some guy from the past, theres a big difference there) and she hang's out with guys who she was sleeping with less than a year ago. If you don't find that inappropriate then you are really looking at things from a very biased perspective.

 

And FYI. She has always been free to do whatever she wants. I don't interrogate her about her past. She has volunteered almost all of that information on her own. The only thing I've been "badgering" her about is telling me which of the guys who she currently hangs out with have been recent sex partners. I think that is very much "my business" as it's not some retroactive jealousy issue... It's about her going out and spending time alone with guys who she was having sex with in the past year. That very much affects our relationship in the present. I never said she can't hang out with these guys, but I think I deserve to know if it's someone she was recently having sex with.

Edited June 8, 2015 by deadelvis

[Confused48]

When there is trust between partners and confidence in yourself as a lover and self esteem for yourself as a person, you can discuss anything. I love to hear the sex stories of my partners past. I find it arousing. I love to talk about myself as well. You should make it fun to talk about your past together. It sounds like you killed that fun by being insecure and jealous.

 

It seems obvious that another problem is your partner does not trust you to still love her and want her if she is open with you. She also does not have the self esteem to tell you all and let the chips fall where they may. She seems to want to be with you too much. So she is guarded and then that drives a wedge between you.

 

I did something one time that was adventurous. It was just once, not a fetish or anything. Just wanted to try it, did it, liked it but didn't need to do it again. One partner I told about this actually broke up with me when I told this part of my history. Oh well. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not going to censor that.

 

If you want to talk about sexual history like an inquisition or like a job interview, then that is not going to be fun or lead to full disclosure. It can be both fun and bring you closer, make you two more intimate, if you do it right.

[deadelvis]

That's very much how we talked about things in the beginning. But then a few things came out that didn't make me very comfortable and I reacted poorly. I regret having made an issue over her "adventurous" past choices, but those details don't bother me anymore. What does still bother me is when she started listing off names of recent sex partners and they are the same people who she still hangs out with. That doesn't sit well in my gut. Unfortunately my reaction to her "adventurous" past choices, combined with probing her for information about which of her close friends she was recently sexual with has created a situation where we can't divulge any information, not only about our past, but also who we hang out with and what we do when we aren't together.

Edited June 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Confused48]

Maybe you already said, but can I ask, how many of your ex lovers do you still hang out with on a regular basis without your GF around? In my experience that is not typical to do that but it may be in your circle.

 

If it is then accept it, go with it, trust her and don't worry unless you have more to go on. If it isn't then maybe you need to discuss expectations and be ready to part ways if there is a difference in those expectations of behavior.