Noirek Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I respectfully disagree. Everyone here are part of two clubs - WS and BS. So even in our love marriages and relationships, there were no gurantees that this will be successful because we were choosing for ourselves. So why should there be a gurantee for an arranged marriage? Just because its arranged by parents? This will only be a disaster if I don't give my best. I fully intend to do my best in this marriage. But you are starting this marriage with secrets about your actual character (the treatment of prostitutes in proxy for your ex) and more horribly as a way of revenge against your ex. Your starting this marriage for the wrong reasons and while you are still not moved on from your ex. That is not giving it your best. You need to deal with that before entering another relationship if you want your best chance at it working out. Or at the very least let your future bride know the story so she can choose with full honesty if she wants to ride out this storm with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Revenge is not the reason. If it was for as silly a thing as revenge, I wouldn't have bothered marrying. I could enter other relationship. But I am marrying because its more serious than that. As far as my character, sure she needs to know the truth. I agree. But just like me, she may have some character traits that I need to know as well. In time maybe I will. By saying giving my best, I meant doing my best as a husband. Taking care of her and being there for her both physically and emotionally. What that has to do whether I visited to the prostitutes in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 And oh yes, being truthful to her from this point onwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 HOG, Arranged marriage or not, you are not mentally or emotionally prepared to be a good spouse to anyone right now. You come off extremely unstable - not to mention immature. Best of luck to you and your new wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 At the very least can you have a much longer engagement say at least 1 year? You say you are going to do your best but you are still communicating with your EX. By sending her your engagement photos it shows that you are still hung up on her and you are not doing your best toward your betrothed. In fact by sending those pictures to the EX you are in effect telling your fiancee that she is 2nd best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Sending those photos was only a one time communication. Other than that I haven't talked to her since April. I agree. Honestly, I couldn't resist the temptation of rubbing my engagement news in my ex's face. But no more again (I mean, when wedding happens I will not send any pic or message). Nikita 2nd best to my ex? No way. As for postponing, its not possible. Dates agreed by both families. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Today I made a previous post with me and my fiancee's pic. But probably the rules here is to not make any photo posts.... Anyway, its a long story. After lots of family discussion I agreed to marry this girl. Her name is Nikita. Yesterday was my engagement. Marriage in October. Lots of time to get to know each other..... I sent my ex the pictures of my engagement by email. The b**** must be burning in anger and jealousy. Because she wrote back to "Go to hell" :D I literally rolled on the floor laughing after seeing her reply It doesn't matter what you say about your engagement or your state of mind when it comes to your ex - your initial post right here says it all. Anger, revenge, hurt, and games. When your ex loses the emotion and thinks about this clearly, she will see that she's won, and will feel sorry for your fiancee. Your actions show spite. Your ex will see, in a few days, that she still affects you, to the point that you do things like this to try to hurt her. Overall, it shows her that you are not over her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Sending those photos was only a one time communication. Other than that I haven't talked to her since April. I agree. Honestly, I couldn't resist the temptation of rubbing my engagement news in my ex's face. But no more again (I mean, when wedding happens I will not send any pic or message). Nikita 2nd best to my ex? No way. As for postponing, its not possible. Dates agreed by both families. A calendar should not be your primary consideration here in light of your past. Tell your family you would rather wait. If it's meant to be forever, it's better that forever start later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ch72 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 BTW, Nikita is a male Russian name..... I only know that because I loved the song from Elton John, learned it was over a guy named Nikita...Guess it all fits now, but back then coming out meant destroying your career. I truly hope your fiance isn't Russian or from one of the eastern bloc countries.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 I am not homosexual and Nikita is also a female Indian name... I know Nikita can also be a Russian name for a guy.....I know about Nikita Khruschev Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Nikita sounds pretty female to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Nikita sounds pretty female to me. Hurtofglass shared a photo of them with me via PM. They are a cute couple. Pretty girl. He's also younger than I expected. They look like teens. Good luck, hurtofglass. As you know, I hope you eventually are able to share your past with her so that you can enjoy the benefits of a truly intimate relationship with no secrets between you. I can understand not throwing all of your skeletons from the closet in front of her before an arranged marriage. But don't keep the secrets forever. You have a lot of life in front of you; give it a good foundation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Hurtofglass shared a photo of them with me via PM. They are a cute couple. Pretty girl. He's also younger than I expected. They look like teens. Good luck, hurtofglass. As you know, I hope you eventually are able to share your past with her so that you can enjoy the benefits of a truly intimate relationship with no secrets between you. I can understand not throwing all of your skeletons from the closet in front of her before an arranged marriage. But don't keep the secrets forever. You have a lot of life in front of you; give it a good foundation. Hi Hurtofglass, You've been through a lot in a short time. I'm not sure going straight into an arranged marriage is the answer for you to "settle down" but agree with the last part of bh's post. Your new fiancee probably needs some time to get to know you to be able to absorb the secrets and still respect and trust you herself. In fact, your fiancee may know a little bit about it. It's possible her parents or someone made sure she wasn't coming into this new situation entirely ignorant. Even if so, it's still probably not everything. I hope there's some time before the actual marriage. Since it sounds like your parents know everything, do you think you could discuss taking some time for counseling? It's concerning that you're carrying so many volatile feelings remaining from your previous relationship. Perhaps you could put the emphasis on getting yourself ready for marriage. It's REALLY hard for westerners to grasp how arranged marriages work, but, of course, they work. I have a very close family member whose marriage was arranged. Like most, it took a little time (not much) for them to 'fall in love' after, but the fact is it works for the same reason that love marriages work. Exactly. The couple are committed to each other because of the marriage. They work at making the marriage work, being respectful of each other, considerate, tender, giving. They try to create a loving, healthy environment for children. Over time, their loyalty to each other grows, their trust and love. It works. It's often very beautiful and humbling to witness and much can be learned from it. I hope a day comes not too far in the future when you can take your wife's hands and tell her what happened to you (and what you did about it) before she came into your life. She will need to trust you and that's why you'll say you want her to know—because, as your wife, she should know everything about you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtOfGlass Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Thank you Mermmeade and BetrayedH.... I am continuing counselling. I hope its a positive step. I am talking about my upcoming marriage (October) and how I am dealing with this... And I haven't had any kind of contact with my ex since sending those photographs... Nikita and I are always talking with each other on the phone Infact we are discussing many things like what we like, what are our future plans, how many children we want, where to go for our honeymoon And sometimes some intimate things are also discussed via call and messages. But for anyone curious - no we haven't done IT. We are saving it for the marriage. I must say, she is more adventurous than me For eg, I asked her what she thinks about children. She said that she wants children but not before 4 years of marriage. Then she asked how many would I want. Since me and my sister are two siblings, I also want two of my own. Then I asked how many did she want. She said as long as I am cleaning them, washing the nappies and feeding them, she doesn't care how many we have Then I asked her if I am going to do all the work for the children, what she will do? Her answer was she would keep herself beautiful for me. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yes, this sounds like the conversations my family member and his wife had before their marriage. Like I said, it works. Familiarity happens. The excitement of new interest reciprocated. Intimacy. Just like affairs. Circumstances support your 'falling in love' and you help them make it happen. Observers with different lifelong cultural conditioning may have a hard time understanding this. Expectations from fairy tales aren't any more viable. It's always been about learning to love unselfishly. They're just used to tying it to a personality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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