Longtime Friend has pushed me into fbb mode

[Thejerrybest]

So I came here to try and get feedback and advice. I feel I am too close to this situation to act rationally at this point.

 

I am 26, in graduate school and came out of a very bad relationship 5 months ago. I have had a long time female friend since I was 18. We've been very close at times, but it was always platonic. Even when we were dating or in relationships, we always found time to hang out and always talked or texted each other weekly.

 

Last few weeks we've been really hanging out and she has become even clingy. Honestly, I haven't minded, she is attractive and I have always wondered about dating her, esp since my relationship ended.

 

Last weekend we watched a movie at her apartment and one thing led to another, we had sex. I figured we were now either in a relationship or going in that direction. The next day was a little odd, but she acted really like nothing really happened. I thought this was odd especially how things have continued like nothing happened.

 

So this morning finally brought it up, and she basically said it was fun and she enjoyed it. We will definitely be doing it again, why not enjoy the benefits and have some fun right now but we aren't in a relationship. Then like nothing, conversation went back to normal

 

So now I don't know how to really proceed. I feel like from my perspective our friendship will never be the same and she's not looking to get in a relationship with me. Its a little difficult for me since I have feelings for her now. I really have never been into having sexual relations to anyone I wasn't dating. Part of me says, friendship is forever tainted, just enjoy this while it lasts. The other part of me thinks, its going to lead to problems in the future and possibly end our friendship forever. Just seems like a messed up situation now!

[preraph]

You can either tell her you are only interested in a real relationship, which might probably be what she's hoping to hear, or you can just tell her no thanks on the random sex, or yes, thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry, I don't think she pushed you into anything.

She wanted you; you wanted her. You had sex.

 

It's the aftermath that caused the confusion in your mind.

 

You presumed/hoped for one thing, but she's told you another so now, yes, as preraph pointed out, you have three choices.

 

 

(1) Tell her where your heart lies, or (2) just continue enjoying the physicality of it.

And if that doesn't float your boat, say (3) thanks, but no thanks.

 

But you weren't 'pushed' into anything....

[minime13]

So I came here to try and get feedback and advice. I feel I am too close to this situation to act rationally at this point.

 

I am 26, in graduate school and came out of a very bad relationship 5 months ago. I have had a long time female friend since I was 18. We've been very close at times, but it was always platonic. Even when we were dating or in relationships, we always found time to hang out and always talked or texted each other weekly.

 

Last few weeks we've been really hanging out and she has become even clingy. Honestly, I haven't minded, she is attractive and I have always wondered about dating her, esp since my relationship ended.

 

Last weekend we watched a movie at her apartment and one thing led to another, we had sex. I figured we were now either in a relationship or going in that direction. The next day was a little odd, but she acted really like nothing really happened. I thought this was odd especially how things have continued like nothing happened.

 

So this morning finally brought it up, and she basically said it was fun and she enjoyed it. We will definitely be doing it again, why not enjoy the benefits and have some fun right now but we aren't in a relationship. Then like nothing, conversation went back to normal

 

So now I don't know how to really proceed. I feel like from my perspective our friendship will never be the same and she's not looking to get in a relationship with me. Its a little difficult for me since I have feelings for her now. I really have never been into having sexual relations to anyone I wasn't dating. Part of me says, friendship is forever tainted, just enjoy this while it lasts. The other part of me thinks, its going to lead to problems in the future and possibly end our friendship forever. Just seems like a messed up situation now!

 

The friendship is tainted. Normal people can't go from that kind of intimacy (even if it was just one night) to just being friends with zero attraction/conflict. So, what do you want now? Back off and try to salvage what is left of the friendship, or screw the friendship out of your relationship completely?

 

This will affect future relationships, as few women will want you being good friends with a bed buddy. So, you probably need to establish what your future (as far as being friends) with this girl is. Just recognize the friendship and closeness you once had is probably over.

[Thejerrybest]

So I guess I should have explained it a little better than just "one thing lead to another"

 

We started watching the movie, we've done this in the past many times so really thought nothing of it. She leaned on me and eventually put her arm around me. While I thought this was different, still didn't think much about it. She eventually went into making out with me and then the sex. She initiated all of this hence why I am saying "pushed". Now yes, I went along with it, so I do have some responsibility in things getting like this, but I still feel she pushed things to happen.

 

To add to this, one of her best friends has also become close trust wise to me. This evening, I decided to talk to her to get some input. I just reasoned she either knows what happened between us or its inevitable she'll eventually know, so I'll get her take on it. My friend was texting her that morning saying I was coming over to catch a movie with her, but she just wanted it to be us, so she told her friend she wasn't inviting her. Also she texted her while we were watching the movie, "its time for me to finally go with this". So she wanted us to be alone and she wanted this to happen.

 

Yes I agree, friendship will never go back to just normal, I always felt once you crossed that line, it just never is the same. I have accepted this, and really figure at this point, I should try and take this further. But at least as of today, she seemed to not want to do that and wanted us to have sex again.

 

I am confused for sure about the aftermath. Am I wrong for thinking she wanted a relationship or was leaning that way after this happening?

 

I should also mention at this time, since I have known her, this is very uncharacteristic of her. I don't know what triggered this?

 

I am conflicted right now which is a problem. When I have had problems in life, or things have gotten tough, I always have turned to her for support. She's been the friend that is there for me and helps me. I have also done the same for her. It actually really hurts and saddens me to think that may be over now. Its so hard to find friends like this in life. We won't go back to that level of being there for each other. Then I also think the more I think about what happened, the more I reflect on, she has been an amazing friend, she is attractive, I am completely into her, I should build on this. I obviously need to sort this out before I really do anything more about this.

 

What do you guys think? And thanks.....this is new territory for me. I haven't went to any friends about this since I don't want this to get out. We have so many mutual friends, once I tell one, it will spread. And as it was implied by minime, it will affect my future with girls.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you should be very candid and honest with her, and tell her exactly what you said in your latest post.

Write her an email, even, and express what you want to say lucidly and calmly.

 

Sometimes, a letter is good, because we can clearly state what we want to say without getting our 'mucking words fuddled'.... we can think clearly about how best to phrase it all... and without fear of interruption, too...

 

Try doing that and seeing what she responds with, next time.

 

And if you think that having sex has ruined what you had, shifted the dynamics and 'spoiled' things - tell her.

Be honest.

Say what you believe, and be candid, but calm.

 

Then await her reply.

[Thejerrybest]

I think you should be very candid and honest with her, and tell her exactly what you said in your latest post.

Write her an email, even, and express what you want to say lucidly and calmly.

 

Sometimes, a letter is good, because we can clearly state what we want to say without getting our 'mucking words fuddled'.... we can think clearly about how best to phrase it all... and without fear of interruption, too...

 

Try doing that and seeing what she responds with, next time.

 

And if you think that having sex has ruined what you had, shifted the dynamics and 'spoiled' things - tell her.

Be honest.

Say what you believe, and be candid, but calm.

 

Then await her reply.

 

Thank you so much for the advice! It is definitely going to be difficult but I want to do what you suggest, get my feelings on everything regarding our friendship and her out to her. I've always preferred to do this in person but considering how different the situation is, I like the idea of a letter or email. It can be exact in how I feel.

 

I don't know if this is a good idea, but I decided to be a little distance for her today and tomorrow. Then I want to get the email/letter to her sunday. She texted me this morning, and I am not going to reply to her until tonight, just to gauge her response. Thoughts on this, good or bad?

 

I really thought about this last night and I determined I just can't have sexual relations with a close friend if we aren't going to be together. She has been my friend for almost a decade, I think regardless of how she initially reacts to this, she'll understand it eventually. Especially at this stage of my life, I already had a long term relationship (~4 years) crash and burn. I took my time to recover and I am ready for something serious.

[rester]

I would be cautious with a letter or email. I think it's fine to write out your feelings and what you want to tell her, but sending it is a different story. I would suggest getting it all out in a letter, but then instead of sending it, having a conversation with her. Knowing that she may not feel the way that you do, you don't want to scare her away with large proclamations of your feelings. Do be honest, though.

[Thejerrybest]

I would be cautious with a letter or email. I think it's fine to write out your feelings and what you want to tell her, but sending it is a different story. I would suggest getting it all out in a letter, but then instead of sending it, having a conversation with her. Knowing that she may not feel the way that you do, you don't want to scare her away with large proclamations of your feelings. Do be honest, though.

 

Thanks, I don't want to make it a large proclamation. Just ordered and really address the situation.

 

I actually want to more than anything in the letter just tell her how much a value her as a friend and a person. I want to tell her that, if we are going to go in this direction, it has to be a relationship. Otherwise, friends with benefits isn't something I am interested. I want to say I have feelings for you but if its not mutual than lets go back to our friendship and just disregard what happened last weekend. I might be a little crushed if its not mutual but its not anything I am going to let get into the way us being friends.

[musikman]

I would be cautious with the letter as well. Just like texts and emails, it can be interpreted in many ways and not just in the ways you expect. If you leave it open ended and say " if you feel one way we, can do this. But if you don't feel that way, we can do this," it can be interpreted as you are playing her or you aren't serious and the list goes on...

 

 

I'm not saying you feel that way, but all of the uncertainty can be taken away if you just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Write that letter and get your thoughts organized, but use that as a springboard for your conversation.

 

 

Good luck! I admire your ability to see this situation so objectively!

[AGoodFriend]

Thejerrybest, she clearly enjoys sex with you, that's for sure! (fist bump, lol)

 

Honestly, I think it is good that you can see clearly enough what you want: a real relationship. Just tell her how you feel. I don't think she will have a problem with your view on this. If she is not interested in a relationship, then there is probably still time for you guys to laugh off the experience as a one-time deal and pretty much revert back to the normal state of things. It will be a special moment that occurred between you two, and you will cherish it for a long time. But the respect you two have as friends will make telling her how you feel a lot easier.

 

She would probably be fine with being friends again, as she hasn't notified you that she is interested in something more serious. But, if you pursue the FWB deal, you will be the one who ends up hurt when she comes across someone whom she decides to pursue seriously.

 

Caveat: If you feel this strongly, do not put yourself in any situations where sex can occur (watching late night videos at someone's house or going to a bar). I tell you this from experience. The more times you have sex with her, the more and more attached you will get, while she has her FWB relationship until a serious candidate for her comes up.

[Thejerrybest]

@Musikman and @AGoodFriend....thank you for your posts, I definitely appreciated them both and they have helped.

 

I wrote the letter, but I am not going to send it. It helped me organize my thoughts and really get out what I want to and need to say to her in person. The next step is just to do it now.

 

I've been distant again all day again today to her, responding to her texts this morning hours after she sent them. She even asked if I was "feeling ok" hence she knows something is up.

 

Maybe this isn't a great idea, but I am thinking of letting this sit until after the weekend, then I am going to make plans Monday or Tuesday and tell her exactly how I feel about her, what happened and how I view her as a friend.

 

The more I think about it, the more I do want a relationship with her, but if she doesn't want to take it to this level, I am completely fine with dropping it, and continuing a healthy friendship. Sure I'll be a little crushed but its not anything I can't get over eventually. It will take sometime to get back to normal, but we've been friends so long and through so much together, like you guys say, it is just a small ping on the radar!

[Thejerrybest]

So I had a chance to talk to her last night about how I felt about everything but I copped out. I had been distant all weekend, but she started texted me saying she was concerned about me because she hadn't really hear from me since friday.

 

We talked for about an hour on the phone, but I just wasn't in the mood to get into everything I wanted to. It was a nice conversation, felt like the ones we've always had, absolutely nothing about what happened a week ago came up. She did end the conversation saying she really wanted to see me again this week and really missed not seeing me in almost a week, as we set catching dinner on Wednesday. She usually never says she misses me and wants to see me unless its been weeks since we hung out. Maybe I am just looking into things too much now, but maybe she has relationship interest in me? Seems positive? I kinda go back and forth about if I should just drop everything at this point and move on.

 

I think back to a week ago and think I really liked that night. I liked being intimate with her, and I feel she did too.

 

I like logging what is going on this forum and I hope that maybe someone else will be in the same situation and can learn from me!

[jakrbbt]

Sometimes friends know what's going on between them, and don't have to say anything. I'm not sure that's what's happening in your situation though-- maybe in part.

 

I once had a FWB mode with a very, very good friend-- probably my best friend. It was more involved than just once, and we both got into a state where we couldn't stop thinking of each other et c. But logistics were tough, bad timing/move/new job et c. I actually can't even remember why we ever stopped, but we definitely didn't "break up" or even have a talk. It was just understood, and we cooled off the friendship too for a few weeks. We kissed a couple times after that, several weeks apart, and then I got into a very serious relationship and got out of touch a bit.

 

He is still my best friend probably, and has really been there for me recently. He's even been to my house for long talks into the night over a bottle of wine. Not even a kiss. Our friendship is so sacred that, for some reason, we know not to go there when it would be awkward to do so.

 

The big difference I see between us and you (and forgive me for this is age. My friend and I were in our early to mid-30's when this all happened. I have had so many chances to observe that (for the person of normal maturity anyway) the 20's are the time of torture and passion and big heartbreak-- where the very same situation wouldn't cause as much trouble say, 7 or 8 years later.

 

I see that you're confused by the situation and you don't want to lose a good thing, but also, you have some hope of an actual romantic relationship with her. There, you are already in a bind. If you stop the romance, but keep the friendship, I don't think that that would even require a talk. You could do that without ever discussing it. But the problem is, that at least one of you is now wanting more (understandably).

 

Can you be friends like before, with no romance at all, if the sex and kissing stops? Try that for awhile. It wont' be too hard-- most people dislike rejection and she isn't going to throw herself at you if you give even the slightest hint (like lack of opportunity) that that's over.

 

If you can't go on with the friendship, and would feel hurt with no romance, then you have a choice. You can ask her to be your girlfriend in a monogamous relationship, or you can cool off the friendship-- and in that case, know that there's probably a future in the friendship still. Cooling-off periods happen all the time if they're done with kindness.

[Thejerrybest]

Sometimes friends know what's going on between them, and don't have to say anything. I'm not sure that's what's happening in your situation though-- maybe in part.

 

I once had a FWB mode with a very, very good friend-- probably my best friend. It was more involved than just once, and we both got into a state where we couldn't stop thinking of each other et c. But logistics were tough, bad timing/move/new job et c. I actually can't even remember why we ever stopped, but we definitely didn't "break up" or even have a talk. It was just understood, and we cooled off the friendship too for a few weeks. We kissed a couple times after that, several weeks apart, and then I got into a very serious relationship and got out of touch a bit.

 

He is still my best friend probably, and has really been there for me recently. He's even been to my house for long talks into the night over a bottle of wine. Not even a kiss. Our friendship is so sacred that, for some reason, we know not to go there when it would be awkward to do so.

 

The big difference I see between us and you (and forgive me for this is age. My friend and I were in our early to mid-30's when this all happened. I have had so many chances to observe that (for the person of normal maturity anyway) the 20's are the time of torture and passion and big heartbreak-- where the very same situation wouldn't cause as much trouble say, 7 or 8 years later.

 

I see that you're confused by the situation and you don't want to lose a good thing, but also, you have some hope of an actual romantic relationship with her. There, you are already in a bind. If you stop the romance, but keep the friendship, I don't think that that would even require a talk. You could do that without ever discussing it. But the problem is, that at least one of you is now wanting more (understandably).

 

Can you be friends like before, with no romance at all, if the sex and kissing stops? Try that for awhile. It wont' be too hard-- most people dislike rejection and she isn't going to throw herself at you if you give even the slightest hint (like lack of opportunity) that that's over.

 

If you can't go on with the friendship, and would feel hurt with no romance, then you have a choice. You can ask her to be your girlfriend in a monogamous relationship, or you can cool off the friendship-- and in that case, know that there's probably a future in the friendship still. Cooling-off periods happen all the time if they're done with kindness.

 

Age is interesting and I can tell you that I feel things are even different with relationships just three years ago.

 

I wonder how a non-talk would go over, would she just sense or feel things and go with it, whether that meant more intimate or back to friends.

 

The problem now is I really liked what happened and the farther I am from that moment, it seems to grow. I want us to be in a relationship at this point, I feel it would work. I just really am not optimistic that is what she wants. She claims she wants to see me, she claims she misses me, she seemed concerned when I didn't text her back all weekend. But its hard to tell what she means as it could be "hey I miss and want to see my best friend again" OR "I really want to see him because I want to do the benefits thing again" OR "I really want to see him because I love him". Tough to tell and honestly I have not a clue.

 

I just feel the talk is inevitable, its going to happen tomorrow and I may or may not like the reaction and potential fallout. I feel I have to do it though and just prepare for whatever let down, awkwardness or damage that may come of it.

 

If it is a let down or damaging, I truly believe we eventually go back to normal and I actually find your story you shared with me comforting in that it can go back to normal. Might to me awhile to kick how I feel though, I might be the one that takes longer to recover leading to a damaged friendship.

[OldRover]

Well, the sex things will change the friendship for a LONG time, and if it repeats, and could, you need to figure out where you stand with each other.

 

Yes, you can stop it and be friends with her.

 

You each need to know where the other stands, and you probably need that conversations.... And you can keep it light and keep the door open if she decides she would like a more permanent intimate relationship. Obviously you both care for each other.

 

Gut feeling, you could both easily fall in love with each other and enjoy a great life together.

 

Keep us posted.....

[Thejerrybest]

We went out Wednesday and had an excellent time, everything felt right to have the conversation, but I decided to hold off when she told me she had gotten some bad news with her work situation and her job was likely going to get cut. I did the best I could to cheer her up and let her know if that happens I will be right by her side to help her through it. She thanked me for cheering her up and said "I am the only one she can count on in her life". She also said before I left that "It means the world to her that I am part of her life". Both are things she has never said to me since we've been friends but also I am trying not to read too much into either since obviously she was pretty upset about work.

 

Another side thing that came up was last weekend me not responding to her texts. She said she was concerned and next time if I am extremely busy (which is what I told her but not actually the case) just to let her know so she doesn't worry something is wrong or up.

 

I think I made a smart decision not to have the conversation yet, but I really want to. As each day goes by, I seem to have even stronger feelings for her. And really why not? We are both single at the same time for once, we are so comfortable with each other and have even both enjoyed getting intimate with each other. I don't know when is a good time now, if I do and she doesn't want to move forward in a relationship, the timing could be awful with what she is going through. Any thoughts?

Edited June 12, 2015 by Thejerrybest

[AGoodFriend]

Thejerrybest, those are good things to hear from her, to be honest with you. I do believe that you could be a long-term relationship candidate for her. These are things that I and my best friend-turned-girlfriend said to each other at times and say constantly now. And we truly mean them. Like myself and your girlfriend now, you also have a nice sexual base to build on in the future should said opportunity arise. The only difference is that my girl and I both accepted the next level of the relationship and embraced after our very first sexual experience.

 

It was a good move on your part to avoid talking to her about your relationship this time, but don't let her stall too long. If she senses that you want to talk about it, and she doesn't, she will begin to make up excuse after excuse to avoid the topic. Next time, bring it up.

[Thejerrybest]

Thejerrybest, those are good things to hear from her, to be honest with you. I do believe that you could be a long-term relationship candidate for her. These are things that I and my best friend-turned-girlfriend said to each other at times and say constantly now. And we truly mean them. Like myself and your girlfriend now, you also have a nice sexual base to build on in the future should said opportunity arise. The only difference is that my girl and I both accepted the next level of the relationship and embraced after our very first sexual experience.

 

It was a good move on your part to avoid talking to her about your relationship this time, but don't let her stall too long. If she senses that you want to talk about it, and she doesn't, she will begin to make up excuse after excuse to avoid the topic. Next time, bring it up.

 

I am pretty certain now those things are very positive in terms of me wanting to move into a relationship with her. We hung out most of today, her spirits still crushed from the news she will likely be out of a job. I did my best to cheer her up but she was still visibly upset over her job when I left. She did give me a longer than normal hug, ran her hand down my arm as we broke from the hug and thanked me for being close and cheering her up. All positive I would imagine. I still felt it was not a good time to have the conversation. I really want to have this talk with her this week, I am not too sure how to tell when its a good time with her recent situation. This is new ground really for me, but my feelings continue to grow each day. I can't really hold back much longer as I am really spending a lot of time with her both in person and texting.

 

I don't think she sensed what I wanted to talk about and then brought up her bad news to try and avoid me bringing it up.

[Thejerrybest]

Just a quick update! We were both off today and finally I felt she was in good enough spirits to have the talk. So I did and overall it went positive! She said she does have feelings for me but is afraid to ruin our friendship. I told her I felt the same way but that I really loved her, wanted to be with her and would support her through her job situation. I also told her I am going into this relationship not even thinking about how it may affect things. I love her and love is always worth the risk.

 

So we are not in a relationship not just dating but we are officially together. I'll still check these threads out though because this community helped me handle my situation. Something about today just made this whole thing seem different, I just had this odd feeling that it was going to work out the minute we meet up. I just feels so good to be together at this point, a huge weight off my shoulder not having to carry around loving someone but not certain if she felt the same. Honestly I can't believe how focused I stayed through this and it didn't bring me down as much as it should have.

 

Interesting enough she claims she had feelings for me months ago but didn't know how to say something to me about it. The intimate thing she said just happened but she didn't mean it and she felt we both went with it. She felt really bad about it after the fact since it was not talked about really and thought she did something wrong and we were on shaky terms for a bit.

 

I guess it worked out the way I wanted it to and she is just as happy with me. On to the next chapter in my life, I am happy once again! I had been carrying this around for weeks and it had been wearing on me!