Neveragain2013 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Hello all, I'd rather not go into the details of my past except to say that I'm trying hard to stay in NC and to stop social media stalking MM and his family. It's been tough because there is no one to help keep me honest. I was wondering if there was an interest in starting a support thread in which we check in with each other and share our thoughts and plans for the day. I havent seen MM in 3 months, but there have been some emailing and phone chats -- all of which have been tumultuous. Just today, I spent some time googling him and his family to see what they have been up to. MM is not on FB and I'm not "friends" with him and his wife through social media accounts. But I've had my ways to find out what he's been up to. So, my goal for the remainder of the day is to do some housework and to refrain from looking him up -- one day at a time. For me, the hardest part of NC is to not snoop. What is your mini goal for the day? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sssn Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 i will check in here with you. I am on day .5 He called this morning and I asked for NC (again). Explained that this was toxic for me and my heart is broken. I think he gets it. I won't be surprised if he reaches out at some point, neither one of us has been strong enough in the past. Maybe we will surprise ourselves and really move on. In regards to your situation. You sound like you've toughed it out and you deserve a pat on the back. It is so difficult to let go. Best to you- SN 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ifalltopieces Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I'm not in NC but I can relate to the snooping. I try to remind myself that people can do and say lots of things when they are hiding behind a keyboard. I remind myself that Facebook is often referred to as "Fakebook" for a reason. Sorry I went off topic.....As each day passes I pray you have less and less desire to want to snoop. I wish you the best and congrats on moving on with your life 4 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I'll post. Exmm used to say he was broken and I was his best friend and he could be himself with me. He knows he is going to end up alone. I told him even if we weren't together as a couple he could have me in his life. Now that I have made progress in detaching romantically part of me wants to say I know you didn't really love me the way I loved you because you aren't capable and you tried to tell me that but I needed to believe it was real. I know you really are broken. If we can acknowledge the truth between us we can be in each others lives. But I question what my true motivation is for wanting that. I dont want a real R with him anymore. I don't want to sleep with him anymore. Maybe to feel special for being the only one to "know" him, manipulation and all. Maybe part of me wants to know how he is when he's not being the seducer. Maybe part of me enjoys the game if I can keep a safe distance and show him he can't just keep me on the shelf as his perfect little affair memory like he wants. I'm torn between both wanting to offer support to him and beat him at his own game. I don't think he contributes to my life other than his energy and being interesting. So I think nc is still best for me. One day at a time. There are a couple significant dates this month I'm going to let pass. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I also used to check Facebook for updated pics etc of his wife/family of course torturing myself filling in the blanks. I'm glad this is anonymous because I'll also admit to having driven past his house a few times. He would admit to going by mine on weekends sometimes if he was in the area. I never did until post nc. I will say it seems he was honest about how little his wife is home. Her car has never been there during times by which for most families everyone would be home. Haven't done that in over a month though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neveragain2013 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Sorry this needs to be short, but I am typing this on my phone. I'll try to leave a more detailed response later to all of you that were kind enough to reply. This is my first full day of no snooping. My plan for today is to watch for the triggers and if I feel the need to look, get away from the computer/Internet. Wishing you all the strength to get through the day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I too used to snoop on his W FB page to see if she updated her profile pic or cover photo...which she hasn't since 2013. I can't see anything else since hers is private as is mine. I have actually for the most part stopped that, not such a need as it was before. Like OP said...it's "fakebook" for most, everyone having the perfect spouse and wonderful life and 99% of it is crap. xMM doesn't have FB, he deactivated it when we got involved...he is on other smaller social sites, but none that I would even have an interest to be on. Trying to hold strong and move on from all this... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TandyLynn9 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 17 days NC for me. Actually had to look to see since I have been trying very hard not to think about him at all. While we only had a few months together vs years like some, it's still strange and a little sad when it ends. Having no one you can vent to doesn't help either. So glad I found this site so that I could say all the things I needed to say to someone and just hear how wrong everything I was doing was. I knew it was wrong but sometimes you need someone else to point out just how wrong it really is. I will admit a few days ago I did go onto the site where we found each other just to be snoopy. And after seeing the numerous sad desperate postings by him seeking someone, pretty much anyone, all I could do was laugh. See I mistakenly was going to give him a 2nd chance after I originally initiated NC. He's the one who just disappeared 17 days ago. BEST THING EVER! I was confused, hurt, sad at first. But now I am thankful he did it. I still have not deleted him from my phone. Mostly because if he does try to contact me I want to be able to know who it is so I can avoid him! But I have not been tempted to call or text him. Stay strong. Find something to keep you busy. That's the best thing I have found. I am back on my regular gym schedule. I have a ton of volunteer time I will be putting in over the next few weeks. The main thing for me is to keep from sitting around with idle time on my hands. This just leads to temptation. You've got this! Keep up the good work and just know that person is not meant for you. This means that there is someone out there who is. Get up. Get out. Get involved. And who knows who you might meet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 It helped me to Block BOTH of them on FaceBook. Now I can't snoop even if I wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I'll do this too! I have to stop myself from checking his social media. We never had each other on Facebook but we did on some other platforms, I unfollowed him but he still hasn't. I've blocked him where I can, but I still check his updates periodically...I know, bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 I will check in too. My MOM disappeared on me a week and a half ago after a family church sponsored memorial weekend that was also his anniversary. 8 month A but have not heard a word since. Nice way to break things off, right? I am trying to forget he ever existed but the lack of explanation is killing me!!! I need mutual support to keep me from trying to contact him ( already did 2x with no responses) or outing him out of spite. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TandyLynn9 Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Lonely73 he did you a favor. I too was pissed...at first. But then I started to feel sad for him. Don't contact him. All those people on LS that said to NOT contact him, not to retaliate, are so right. Use this inconsiderate abrupt NC he pulled on you as the 1st reason you don't want to see him again. Everyday I start thinking less and less about him because I am thinking more and more about me. These guys are good. Whether they are serial daters like my MM apparently is or not they do still have someone they are choosing over us. Let him go. He's not the one for you just like my MM is not for me. He's hers. Let her have him and all his issues. He's thinking about what's best for him. You need someone who thinks about you too. YOU can do so much better!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Guys! I'm checking in this morning. Usually I go to check and see if there's any new updates on his social media... Anyways, I'm posting here instead. It's become easier a bit, I have not emailed or anything even work related in 3 weeks! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neveragain2013 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Share Posted June 7, 2015 Terrific lovely brown! I've been trying not to even go on my phone, which is why I was quiet yesterday. Now if I could also stop the one sided conversations I've been having with him in my head! Stay during everyone! You all are doing great! Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Why do some of these guys end things by just going no contact? I mean why not just say anything? I just don't get it! Link to post Share on other sites
TandyLynn9 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 One last, possibly longer lasting, ego stroke? Betting that you will try to find out why. Giving them even more satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Cowards. I last spoke to mine when he called me the day before he left for a family memorial weekend trip. Everything was normal. I texted him the Tuesday after, no response. Texted Wednesday, no response. That had never happened in the 8 months we were together. Emailed asking what was going on, no response. I have reached out twice since then with no response. I am clueless. If he was looking for an ego stroke, he would have responded by now. I can only assume he is over me and didn't have the guts to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
TandyLynn9 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 I think the ego stroke is that you are still attempting to contact him. He knows you are, he's just not responding. He may be waiting for you to stop for a bit and then he will throw you a crumb. Get you back to where you are wanting him so he can feel that thrill of having someone want him. But then again, he could be trying to move on....I mean, one thing I have thought, even though I know it's not the case with my exMM, is how much better I would have initially felt if he'd have said he was ending our thing in order to fix his family. I can respect that. They are most definitely cowards. They won't leave their W/H/SO. They sneak around behind their backs, lying, deceiving, because they are cowards. They won't end things with us like a normal person should because they are cowards. Keep that in mind when you are missing him. He's a coward. You want a strong confident man, not someone who is behaving like a child. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Yes! Coward is the only word I'd use... I made it a whole day today, no checking or really even thinking of him. That's until a few mins ago when 3 Doors down came on the radio and I missed him. WHY AND HOW? I don't know, but I feel like I can handle those thoughts better. So, there seems to be a light. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 It has been 3 days for me. And coward is definitely the word!! I, too, think it would have been easier with a last conversation/explanation. If he wants to work on his marriage, stay for his kids, I can respect that too. How can you argue with that?? The "ghosting" just leaves an empty feeling and questions. Not to mention self esteem issues! I just rehash our last conversations and interactions relentlessly looking for missed clues, wondering if I did something. It's awful. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyBrown Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 It has been 3 days for me. And coward is definitely the word!! I, too, think it would have been easier with a last conversation/explanation. If he wants to work on his marriage, stay for his kids, I can respect that too. How can you argue with that?? The "ghosting" just leaves an empty feeling and questions. Not to mention self esteem issues! I just rehash our last conversations and interactions relentlessly looking for missed clues, wondering if I did something. It's awful. Don't waste another second of your precious time thinking about the what ifs and how it could be or could have been, he doesn't deserve any of it. Use this time to build yourself up and make yourself strong for when he comes back around (which I'm sure he will) think of how good it will feel to be strong and put him in his place when he comes back around. Someone on here told me a few weeks back that nothing he will say or can say will be the right thing, that stuck with me. I hope you can find the strength within you to move forward and leave this...I'm beginning to see things a bit clearer now and tho I still miss him I do not miss the constant wondering, questioning, anxiety and checking of my phone hoping he has messaged me. I'd imagine in a PA may take longer to move forward, but just make sure you are taking care of you! and whatever you do, DO NOT message the coward! Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Day 1 NC here...I will need support too What a tangled web we weave, hoping for a better outcome than last time 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 The "ghosting" just leaves an empty feeling and questions. Not to mention self esteem issues! I just rehash our last conversations and interactions relentlessly looking for missed clues, wondering if I did something. It's awful. I was in this same boat. My guy literally went ice cold with no explanation. I would replay all our interactions or re-read all our text messages or IM to look for something I missed. It was only when I said screw this and stopped trying, which turned it back on him that he started to try to come around again. He was getting the thrill that I was trying while he wasn't giving me anything. And one he couldn't get that anymore, he tried to reel me back. It sucks Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely73 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 5th day of NC. So hard. Even though he was a complete a-hole to simply disappear on me, I am having a hard time today. I want to reach out for comfort to get help with a tragedy I am going through. I need to keep reminding myself he does not care and cannot/will not give me what I need. I am heart sick. And lonely. What the hell is wrong with me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 5th day of NC. So hard. Even though he was a complete a-hole to simply disappear on me, I am having a hard time today. I want to reach out for comfort to get help with a tragedy I am going through. I need to keep reminding myself he does not care and cannot/will not give me what I need. I am heart sick. And lonely. What the hell is wrong with me? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you...it's normal to want to reach out to the person you love, whom you've had an attachment to for comfort. I have been there believe me..try to focus on yourself and what you have to deal with. Hugs to you;) Link to post Share on other sites
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