My boyfriend said his friend told him he could do better physically

[lara1235]

My boyfriend and I were walking and he said that emotional connection was the most important to him and physical was just a plus. Then he casually let slip that his friend mentioned he could do better in a girlfriend. I asked him to explain, and he said that he guesses she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

 

I never thought of myself as not conventionally attractive. I've gotten compliments on being pretty and for my smile, and I've had guys who really liked my body. I mean I have wide hips and small breasts, but I take care of myself and I'm like 5'7" 135 lbs which isn't perfect, but I just didn't think that this attractiveness thing was like that? Like I didn't have that much insecurity about my attractiveness to him, and it's not like my boyfriend's a model either - he's maybe 5'9" with a smaller frame, doesn't work out, but I ilke him and his body the way he is.

 

He felt really bad about it and kept telling me he shouldn't have mentioned it, he was an idiot, I was a 10/10 to him because of the emotional connection, he does find me conventionally attractive. He said if he was being honest, he thinks he could hook up with girls who were as attractive or more attractive and he'd be lying if he said I was the most conventionally attractive person in the world, but who I am to him makes me the most beautiful person in the world to him.

 

This all makes sense, but I"m still upset and can't put my finger on why. I mean obviously he's not the most conventionally attractive person in the world to me either but I wouldn't mention that. He felt like an idiot for lteting it slip that his friend said that, but I'm kind of hurt by his comment about hooking up with girls. Like people don't think we're mismatched and I honestly don't see myself as below his league physically, and I"m not sure I'm comfortable with the way he talked about this whole thing - he said all the "right" and romantic things to say while being honest, since we had issues with openness and the past and just agreed to be very open with each other, but.. idk I still feel unsettled. He did stay with me and reassure me until he was sure I was okay, which took a while.

 

Honestly where I am right now is wondering how I'm going to talk to him about this. I think I might ask him directly if he thinks he's physically out of my league, and break up with him if he says yes. What do you guys think, or is there a better way to handle this?

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes.

Tell his friend he's a jerk if all he can do is objectify women and consider them on looks.

He must have a low self-esteem, because obviously, if he's just looking at the bodies, he's not into intellect. Maybe that's because he doesn't have one....

[Toddbt12y1]

Your weight is not that bad. You have enough height. Though I would be seriously Pissed off if my lover made mention of what someone like that told her/him; especially given his more than ****ty reasoning or should I just use the old 'being honest' crap. He put you down. It was not necessary or needed at the moment. Love should make your already wonderful looks all the more wonderful to him.

 

Yeah, tell him how hurt it has made you. Hear his response. If it is more of this crap, go your own way. He owes you an apology as well. If only for the fact he hurt your feelings with something needless to say. Sometimes it is truly wise to shut up and never speak.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm more concerned that he didn't turn round and tell his friend he was an @$$hole..... superficial jerk.....

[aloneinaz]

I'm just shocked at why he'd bring that up at all? It's like he's questioning in his head how attractive you really are after his friend made that comment. Clearly, he's insecure as well.

 

 

It doesn't sound like he's Brad Pitt and the way you described him, you are probably out of his league.

 

 

Maybe when you meet him next time you should wear some high heels where you're looking down on him while you question what his motives are? Maybe he needs a reality check that "he's" not all that and a bag of chips!

[harrybrown]

how old is your boyfriend?

 

He sounds like an idiot to bring this up.

 

and yes, if he feels like he is "better than you", tell him to take a hike.

 

and his "friend" is a jerk.

[pteromom]

Yes.

Tell his friend he's a jerk if all he can do is objectify women and consider them on looks.

 

Read it again.

 

His friend is a SHE.

 

Which means that this girl had an agenda in saying that to him. Either she wants him or she is jealous of their relationship so she wanted to stir up some discontent.

[pteromom]

she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

 

 

Right? Am I reading this correctly?

[TaraMaiden2]

Sorry all, yes, pteromom, I take the point. My mistake.

In that case, there probably IS an underlying agenda.

 

This just gets better, doesn't it?

 

I'm even MORE irritated by her BF now!

[lollipopspot]

Wow, he really put his foot in his mouth. People make mistakes, and it sounds as though he realizes that he did, but he didn't help it by some of what he said afterwards.

 

This is the kind of thing that takes a long time to get over, and stays with you. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship, but it taints it.

[lara1235]

Wow, he really put his foot in his mouth. People make mistakes, and it sounds as though he realizes that he did, but he didn't help it by some of what he said afterwards.

 

This is the kind of thing that takes a long time to get over, and stays with you. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship, but it taints it.

 

Yeah, thank you for your insight. We had talked about being honest with each other because we had that issue in the past, so I wonder if he was trying to address what he accidentally said while also being honest with me? It's hard for me to know what to make of it.

 

And yes, the friend was a "she." we actually recently got back together, and she told him that when we were broken up so I'm not sure if she was trying to make him feel better but it's like... why did he feel the need to mention that to me. I'm wondering if he said that to make himself feel better because he felt insecure.

[jen1447]

Sounds like the BF just stepped in sh*t and didn't have the wherewithal to step back out for several strides.

 

If I were you I'd just put him on punishment for his insensitivity, not go digging for more 'answers.' He won't have anything good to say anyway and it'll just make you both miserable. Tell him you were offended and you're punishing him for a while and that you'll let him know when he's off probation. That way only he'll feel bad - as it should be.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yeah, thank you for your insight. We had talked about being honest with each other because we had that issue in the past, so I wonder if he was trying to address what he accidentally said while also being honest with me? It's hard for me to know what to make of it.

 

And yes, the friend was a "she." we actually recently got back together, and she told him that when we were broken up so I'm not sure if she was trying to make him feel better but it's like... why did he feel the need to mention that to me. I'm wondering if he said that to make himself feel better because he felt insecure.

 

I get the impression, from this one comment, that he may be lining his tin cans up to get the courage to break up with you again...

Why would he find a reason to pick at you, if he felt entirely happy about reconciling...?

 

I personally think 'making up after breaking up' isn't advisable, because when something's broken, it's not always an effective fix to try again. Not unless what broke you up last time is totally reviewed and dealt with satisfactorily.

 

But a break-up is just like a professionally-repaired Ming vase. It looks perfect.

 

Only... you know there's a previous flaw in there somewhere....

[misspond]

Grow a thick skin baby. You sound (physically) a lot like me, small breasts, good height, hips, great weight - both men and (most bizarrely) women have insulted me on my small breast size, and when it comes to men they've sometimes been (vocally) puzzled by their attraction to me. Yay for media stereotypes.

[elaine567]

Then he casually let slip that his friend mentioned he could do better in a girlfriend. I asked him to explain, and he said that he guesses she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

 

 

Nobody casually let's slip such a barbed comment in normal conversation.

In a heated argument maybe, but cold...

He has a agenda, you just have to work out why he wanted to hurt you and make you feel insecure.

[misspond]

Nobody casually let's slip such a barbed comment in normal conversation.

In a heated argument maybe, but cold...

He has a agenda, you just have to work out why he wanted to hurt you and make you feel insecure.

 

No, I would argue that the female friend made a point of making an issue of this, and it fed something in him. In my experience women are the *worst* for this kind of insult (if they have a vested interest, masquerading as friendship). But that whole, "can men and women just be friends things," is for a whole other thread.

[TaraMaiden2]

Nobody casually let's slip such a barbed comment in normal conversation.

In a heated argument maybe, but cold...

He has a agenda, you just have to work out why he wanted to hurt you and make you feel insecure.

 

Agreed. You don't let something like that just slip out. I think he's been mulling it over.... Like I said, my impression is that he's uneasy, unsure and may even be regretting the 'second go' at this....

[elaine567]

No, I would argue that the female friend made a point of making an issue of this, and it fed something in him. In my experience women are the *worst* for this kind of insult (if they have a vested interest, masquerading as friendship). But that whole, "can men and women just be friends things," is for a whole other thread.

 

I think you are correct the female friend said it to cause trouble, but him repeating it to the OP was, I suggest, designed to cause a different kind of trouble.

[Taramere]

Honestly where I am right now is wondering how I'm going to talk to him about this. I think I might ask him directly if he thinks he's physically out of my league, and break up with him if he says yes. What do you guys think, or is there a better way to handle this?

 

If the decision about knocking this on the head rests on whether or not he thinks he's out of your league, I don't think you really need to ask him that question. He's already made it pretty clear that he believes physically he's out of your league. It may well be that that's a choice based on ego needs (pandered to by this female friend) rather than objective assessment of your respective levels of attractiveness...but I would say it's quite clear that that's the message he's giving you.

 

For me personally, I think I'd just melt away. I wouldn't really be interested in having that discussion with somebody who would likely only take the opportunity to bolster his ego further. But if you feel you need more information, or want to keep trying with the relationship then I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Only you can decide what your boundaries are.

[lollipopspot]

I don't know, when I was younger I had a guy compare me physically to his last girlfriend and I think he said it before he thought it through. I do think that sometimes people make mistakes. It's very damaging to a relationship to see that someone has the cold eye of objectivity on your physical appearance rather than feeling that you're "perfect for them." (And for guys who think this is just a woman thing, you wouldn't want your girlfriend comparing your dick unfavorably to her last one - it's just not necessary). Sometimes people really just put their foot in their mouths and need to learn this lesson. He didn't help it by the way he tried to get out of it though, so it may be more terminal with him.

[RedRobin]

His 'friend' is a beyotch....

 

 

... and he's an a-hole twice over... one, for mentioning negative stuff like that to someone he supposedly cares about...

 

 

and two... for 'blaming' his 'friend' for it. If she even said it at all.

 

 

Sounds like a snake. Emotional connection my *ss. He's keeping you around while he surfs for another. Maybe his 'friend'... Leave him high and dry, is what I say.

 

 

Yea, slow fade for this turd ball. Don't worry your pretty little head about it one bit, milady. Jerks are born every day. You don't have to internalize their junk.

Edited June 4, 2015 by RedRobin

[lara1235]

If the decision about knocking this on the head rests on whether or not he thinks he's out of your league, I don't think you really need to ask him that question. He's already made it pretty clear that he believes physically he's out of your league. It may well be that that's a choice based on ego needs (pandered to by this female friend) rather than objective assessment of your respective levels of attractiveness...but I would say it's quite clear that that's the message he's giving you.

 

For me personally, I think I'd just melt away. I wouldn't really be interested in having that discussion with somebody who would likely only take the opportunity to bolster his ego further. But if you feel you need more information, or want to keep trying with the relationship then I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Only you can decide what your boundaries are.

 

Do you think it should be a deal-breaker if he does say that he thinks he's physically out of my league? Thank you for your reply (And everyone), by the way, I really appreciate it.

[lara1235]

Also, basically two weeks ago he broke up with me because college was ending and he hadn't seen this long term, then supposedly had a change of heart and said he had been scared of endings and getting attached because this wouldn't work out. Now he says he loves me and wants to work on things and make it work and we've talked about things we want to change, he wants to meet each other's parents, commit to each other, stuff like that. He gave me time to wait to see if I would get back togethr with him and he said all this stuff last night, so a few minutes after I had agreed to get back together with him.

[TaraMaiden2]

You have to weigh up why you'd want to vent.

Is he worth your time?

REally, think: In the great scheme of things in time, he's going to be largely insignificant, if you end this now.

 

Your Actions will speak more loudly than anything you could ever say.

Remember this:

 

idk I still feel unsettled. He did stay with me and reassure me until he was sure I was okay, which took a while.

 

Then he didn't stay with you and reassure you, until you were ok, because patently, you are still not OK with it.

He felt sure you were, but this may have been his assumption, not your reassurance....

 

No reason why you should be, either.

[TaraMaiden2]

Also, basically two weeks ago he broke up with me because college was ending and he hadn't seen this long term, then supposedly had a change of heart and said he had been scared of endings and getting attached because this wouldn't work out. Now he says he loves me and wants to work on things and make it work and we've talked about things we want to change, he wants to meet each other's parents, commit to each other, stuff like that. He gave me time to wait to see if I would get back togethr with him and he said all this stuff last night, so a few minutes after I had agreed to get back together with him.

 

 

Oh great... he makes all these overtures about his affections and great plans and how he's 'scared of endings'...(? ) then when you agree to a reconciliation, he shoots your confidence down in flames?

 

Tad immature and childish manipulation, don't you think?

 

How old are you both, may one ask....?