My boyfriend said his friend told him he could do better physically

[elaine567]

Also, basically two weeks ago he broke up with me because college was ending and he hadn't seen this long term, then supposedly had a change of heart and said he had been scared of endings and getting attached because this wouldn't work out. Now he says he loves me and wants to work on things and make it work and we've talked about things we want to change, he wants to meet each other's parents, commit to each other, stuff like that. He gave me time to wait to see if I would get back togethr with him and he said all this stuff last night, so a few minutes after I had agreed to get back together with him.

 

Men, it seems to me, set some store on leagues and the visual, so if he sees you as less than what he thinks he is entitled to, then I guess it may be an ongoing problem for him AND you going forward.

If he is trying to win you back, why on earth did he fell you with that insult???

Is he a guy that often tries to put you down, even in so called jokes?

[lara1235]

You have to weigh up why you'd want to vent.

Is he worth your time?

REally, think: In the great scheme of things in time, he's going to be largely insignificant, if you end this now.

 

Your Actions will speak more loudly than anything you could ever say.

Remember this:

 

 

 

Then he didn't stay with you and reassure you, until you were ok, because patently, you are still not OK with it.

He felt sure you were, but this may have been his assumption, not your reassurance....

 

No reason why you should be, either.

 

Yeah hm I'm debating that myself... he stayed with me for at least an hour and we talked about it and I told him I was okay but I don't know if I actually am. I'm really doubting this relationship. I"m seeing him this evening. How do you thinkw ould be best to start a conversation about it?

[lara1235]

Oh great... he makes all these overtures about his affections and great plans and how he's 'scared of endings'...(? ) then when you agree to a reconciliation, he shoots your confidence down in flames?

 

Tad immature and childish manipulation, don't you think?

 

How old are you both, may one ask....?

 

We're both 22.

[TaraMaiden2]

How about "I'm sorry, I think getting back together was a mistake. You've made me realise you devalue my personal worth, and I'm better than that. Hope you find your 10. Personally, I was happy with my 8, until your female friend stuck her nose in.... Have a great life. Bye!"

[lara1235]

Men, it seems to me, set some store on leagues and the visual, so if he sees you as less than what he thinks he is entitled to, then I guess it may be an ongoing problem for him AND you going forward.

If he is trying to win you back, why on earth did he fell you with that insult???

Is he a guy that often tries to put you down, even in so called jokes?

 

Yeah I"m confused because it sounded like something he let slip out but I"m wondering if he might have had some ulterior motive in saying it.

[TaraMaiden2]

We're both 22.

 

His emotional maturity is about 18 months, at a rough guess, behind yours.

 

It catches up later in life, but right now, he's way slower on the uptake than you are.

 

 

(Some areas of the male brain mature faster than those in the female brain. Tact, and emotional diplomacy isn't one of them....)

[misspond]

I think you are correct the female friend said it to cause trouble, but him repeating it to the OP was, I suggest, designed to cause a different kind of trouble.

 

That's a fair point.

[Taramere]

Do you think it should be a deal-breaker if he does say that he thinks he's physically out of my league? Thank you for your reply (And everyone), by the way, I really appreciate it.

 

I don't know, lara. I suppose you have to weigh up how long the two of you have been in a relationship and what the positives versus the negatives of that relationship are. I mean, if you generally feel very respected and happy within it and if you trust him then you're probably not going to finish things over one comment.

 

It's a problematic dynamic though, that he has a female friend who's saying stuff like that to him. It would be tempting to get stuck in there, and tell him you think she's a bitch...however, that shifts the focus away from him. So instead, maybe something like

 

"I'm really quite surprised X said that to you. For one thing, I don't actually think you are out of my league. I think we're pretty equally matched. For another thing, it seems quite odd to me that X would think it was okay to make disparaging remarks to you about me. It's very disrespectful. I can't help but think that if you were giving her the vibe that you love and respect me, she wouldn't dare to come out with a comment like that."

[lara1235]

How about "I'm sorry, I think getting back together was a mistake. You've made me realise you devalue my personal worth, and I'm better than that. Hope you find your 10. Personally, I was happy with my 8, until your female friend stuck her nose in.... Have a great life. Bye!"

 

I'm sorry, I know I sound ridiculous and thank you for all your help, but are you sure it's not worth a conversation?

[lara1235]

I don't know, lara. I suppose you have to weigh up how long the two of you have been in a relationship and what the positives versus the negatives of that relationship are. I mean, if you generally feel very respected and happy within it and if you trust him then you're probably not going to finish things over one comment.

 

It's a problematic dynamic though, that he has a female friend who's saying stuff like that to him. It would be tempting to get stuck in there, and tell him you think she's a bitch...however, that shifts the focus away from him. So instead, maybe something like

 

"I'm really quite surprised X said that to you. For one thing, I don't actually think you are out of my league. I think we're pretty equally matched. For another thing, it seems quite odd to me that X would think it was okay to make disparaging remarks to you about me. It's very disrespectful. I can't help but think that if you were giving her the vibe that you love and respect me, she wouldn't dare to come out with a comment like that."

 

She's more of an acquaintance who hangs out with some of his female friends. I think one of those female friends has a crush on him, or used to. That girl also said it when we were broken up, and he mentioned she probably said that to make him feel better. I'm honetly more concerned with te comment that he thinks he could hook up with someone as attractive or more attractive. When we got back together we agreed to be honest and open and he was trying to fulfill that but it's like do i honestly want to be with a guy who thinks he could hook up with someone better? It feels like he thinks he could get someone hotter but he wouldn't like her as much as a person or something.

[RedRobin]

How about "I'm sorry, I think getting back together was a mistake. You've made me realise you devalue my personal worth, and I'm better than that. Hope you find your 10. Personally, I was happy with my 8, until your female friend stuck her nose in.... Have a great life. Bye!"

 

 

This, 10X.

 

 

If he's the kind of guy who needs to cut you down whenever he is feeling insecure, then things can only get worse. What he's doing isn't love. And age isn't an excuse. You don't have to make up for his bad choices.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry, I know I sound ridiculous and thank you for all your help, but are you sure it's not worth a conversation?

That's up to you. I'm just wondering really how much better you'll feel after it?

He's bound to either reproach you for raking over the coals, or go all pitiful and wussy, and beg and plead...

 

I don't know.

If you'd like to discuss it with him, go ahead.

But be prepared for a slightly less mature approach than yours.

[TaraMaiden2]

....do i honestly want to be with a guy who thinks he could hook up with someone better?

 

Good question.

 

DO you...?

 

It feels like he thinks he could get someone hotter but he wouldn't like her as much as a person or something.

By then, that would be his problem.

 

And he might see how shallow he's being, but goodness me, IF you do decide to break up with him, never be prepared to be the back-up option if he realises his 'mistake'.

That ship should sail!

[misspond]

It's a hard one to go for at your age but the conversation is, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?"

 

be prepared for some pussy-footing around if he can't say, "Hell yes!"

[lara1235]

It's a hard one to go for at your age but the conversation is, "Do you want to be in a relationship with me or not?"

 

be prepared for some pussy-footing around if he can't say, "Hell yes!"

 

It's just confusing because that's what he was saying. Like he spent 3 days talking to me about our relationship and everything he wanted to do to fix it and giving me time to decide if I wanted to be in a relationship with him or not.

 

He said this stuff like a few minutes after I told him I was willing to try it.

[Taramere]

it's like do i honestly want to be with a guy who thinks he could hook up with someone better? It feels like he thinks he could get someone hotter but he wouldn't like her as much as a person or something.

 

Okay, so you weren't too keen on the last suggestion. How about

 

"you know, I've been thinking things over and perhaps I over-reacted to what you said. I mean, you could find a hotter girl and I could have madly hot but meaningless sex with a 6 foot tall guy with a ripped frame. But it's like you say. If there's an emotional connection, who cares about that shallow physical stuff?"

[lara1235]

Okay, so you weren't too keen on the last suggestion. How about

 

"you know, I've been thinking things over and perhaps I over-reacted to what you said. I mean, you could find a hotter girl and I could have madly hot but meaningless sex with a 6 foot tall guy with a ripped frame. But it's like you say. If there's an emotional connection, who cares about that shallow physical stuff?"

 

I was definitely thinking about asking him how he'd feel if I told him I could hook up with guys who were as attractive or more attractive than him. Because I mean honestly I have, but I would never say that to him.

 

I think he has physical insecuities because he's asked me before like.. what I woudl change about him physically if I could change anything, etc.

[Trimmer]

He felt really bad about it and kept telling me he shouldn't have mentioned it, he was an idiot...

First of all, about this I agree completely with him.

 

He said if he was being honest, he thinks he could hook up with girls who were as attractive or more attractive and he'd be lying if he said I was the most conventionally attractive person in the world...

... and then he goes and doubles down on his idiocy...

 

This all makes sense, but I"m still upset and can't put my finger on why.

Perhaps you are upset that he doesn't have enough empathy to imagine that what he said would be hurtful to you?

 

Yeah, thank you for your insight. We had talked about being honest with each other because we had that issue in the past, so I wonder if he was trying to address what he accidentally said while also being honest with me?

Hmmm.... "Honesty" doesn't mean saying every friggin' thing that comes to your head without any filter. If that were the case, we'd all be pissing each other off all the time.

 

How about "I'm sorry, I think getting back together was a mistake. You've made me realise you devalue my personal worth, and I'm better than that. Hope you find your 10. Personally, I was happy with my 8, until your female friend stuck her nose in.... Have a great life. Bye!"

 

I love this statement!

 

I wouldn't even be substantially worried about the "friend" - what worries me more is (a) the fact that he's dwelling on the "looks" issue enough that he felt it rose to the level that he "needed to be honest" about it, and (b) the fact that he didn't have enough sense not to say it to you. Not sure which one is the more egregious fault, but they are both quite unappealing.

[elaine567]

Hi Mr bf,

 

My guy friend, who knows me really well, says you have a little dick and that I deserve someone with a bigger dick.

If I am being totally honest, I could hook up with men who had the same size or bigger, and I'd be lying if I said your dick was the the biggest and best dick in the world,

but because of who you are, your dick is fine by me...

Now don't you go all upset on me...

You're great you really are...

[misspond]

Hi Mr bf,

 

My guy friend, who knows me really well, says you have a little dick and that I deserve someone with a bigger dick.

If I am being totally honest, I could hook up with men who had the same size or bigger, and I'd be lying if I said your dick was the the biggest and best dick in the world,

but because of who you are, your dick is fine by me...

Now don't you go all upset on me...

You're great you really are...

 

Let's hope if she has this conversation with him that he can be the bigger man (sort of no pun intended).

[Keats]

Wow what he said was so insentitve.

 

You can't put your finger on why it upests you because - he was so insensitive in such a casual manner - that you are confused weather it's you or him that was off.

 

He was off not you.

 

Your upset because what he said was so insensitive.

 

Hold him to account. Little things like this fester and make or break relations.

[alsudduth]

Read it again.

 

His friend is a SHE.

 

Which means that this girl had an agenda in saying that to him. Either she wants him or she is jealous of their relationship so she wanted to stir up some discontent.

 

I knew if I scrolled down far enough I'd see someone that caught this too, and if not I would have pointed this exact thing out.

[ascendotum]

Hi Mr bf,

 

My guy friend, who knows me really well, says you have a little dick and that I deserve someone with a bigger dick.

If I am being totally honest, I could hook up with men who had the same size or bigger, and I'd be lying if I said your dick was the the biggest and best dick in the world,

but because of who you are, your dick is fine by me...

Now don't you go all upset on me...

You're great you really are...

 

The bit where he talks about maybe hooking up with better looking girls was douchey, but I'm wondering if he said it in a teasing manner and its being taken out of context. IDK. As for the other part about his friend saying he could do better, I felt it was unnecessary to say, but then again if people want a truly open communication relationship you should be able to talk about what your friends or her friends think about each of you. It wouldn't rattle me to hear that from a gf, if it was a casual but genuine retelling of the conversation and there is no hidden agenda to create insecurity or do a shyte test. I'd be annoyed, but with her friend. If some of your bf's friends hated you or thought your were weird or pretentious or dressed slobby or thought you were too clingy and so on, wouldn't you like to know?

 

Unless they agreed to be fully open to say whatever to each other or he suspects she has some insecurities then with this sort of info he would have been better off keeping quite on it, but otherwise he should have handled the conversation better to reassure her it certainly is not the way he views her.

[spiderowl]

His friend is an idiot and your boyfriend is pretty stupid for making such comments. At least he did his best to explain his attraction to you. You are attractive to him because you are a whole package, personality and looks.

 

Do not confuse beauty and attraction. While they often go together, in that most of us are susceptible to being attracted to conventionally attractive types, an person who is not conventionally attractive can have features and personality that makes them just amazing. A person can have presence, charisma, chemistry, and yet not fit any stereotypes. I know a very attractive guy who was total distraught at being dumped by a woman I would not consider to be at all conventionally attractive. She has character and a way with people as well as her own personal charm. Believe me, this guy only wanted her. He would not have noticed Claudia Schiffer in the street if his ex had walked by. Such is the power of attraction - that pull towards a person regardless of their looks.

 

I think I must have had it when younger. I was positively harrassed by guys when I went out - in the street, on the bus, on the train, in the cafes, shops, everywhere. I was accosted, followed, cornered at times. I felt almost hunted. Yet, I know I'm probably low on the conventional beauty scale so I was completely baffled by this attention and fearful of what was round the corner. Thankfully, this has reduced as I got older but I still look back and wonder what was going on. I can only think that my quirky looks appealed in some way to total strangers. If I could interest guys like that with my much less than average looks and health issues, then anyone could.

[whichwayisup]

My boyfriend and I were walking and he said that emotional connection was the most important to him and physical was just a plus. Then he casually let slip that his friend mentioned he could do better in a girlfriend. I asked him to explain, and he said that he guesses she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

 

Figures his 'friend' is a girl. Have you met her and is she a friend of yours too? Sounds to me like she's trying to cause problems with you two. I hope your bf ignored her and told her to mind her own business and to stop saying stuff like that to him.