My boyfriend said his friend told him he could do better physically

[whichwayisup]

I think your boyfriend did a foot in mouth oops! He just didn't think and repeated what the female friend said to him. I don't believe he said it to intentionally hurt you, or make a point to you, for whatever reason when that conversation popped into his head, he said it out loud. But, now that it's out there, it can't be taken back and of course it has affected you and you're thinking about it.

 

Seems the trust with him isn't there? And, very recently you two got back together, the relationship isn't on solid ground.

 

Take time to think about what it is you like about him. Does he treat you well, with love and respect? Is he a kind person? What are he flaws and negative side? Does the good out weigh the bad?

[todreaminblue]

the friends who arent really friends at all

 

 

 

my ex had a friend who would slight me every opportunity he got...my ex was a body builder/bouncer wasnt tall but he had arms that were the same size as arnold and shoulders like a line backer....that v thing happening.......and has to this day a beautiful face..a very commanding face.....or to me anyway....

 

i never went out with him because of the way he looked he was actually pretty intimidating....to me

 

 

anyway this friend he had would tell him why are you with that ugly f....ck for.....you can do better......so much better than deb...i was actually pregnant and he would call me cankles...i looked swollen all over..my feet were swollen all the time ....i should have seen that as a sign.... but anyway..my ex and i were having major issues and i was more woirried about our relationship than myself...i was being sabotaged all the time by this friend when i woudl do soemthing nice for my ex which i often did...he would call me a kiss ass adn say she wants soemthign bad i wonder what it is...things liek that..........we went out to dinner with my ex him and his gf.......i didnt feel i could eat in front of this friend.....i was right to feel that way......its when i heard him say the ugly fat f....ck comment to my ex as i was hidden by palms on my way back from the rest room......i never said anything....but i didnt eat either......i just told my ex i wasnt hungry.....months later after i had a miscarriage that friend cracked onto me....we ended up moving away when i fell pregnant again.....i didnt tell my ex till we moved away....because i handled it myself.......i had to......he would have put it all on me anyway and turn it around.....

 

 

the thing is......these friends arent really friends at all and if a person says things that puts another down or try to tell someone hey you can do better than that...theres normally an ulterior motive...and i have found this to be true......if you are a good person and you and your bf are happy dont let others interfere with that ever...do not think about what they could do or say ....just worry about what you both do or could say.....

 

i have developed a bit of a complex on how i look its taken years of systematic put downs for me to be me........i quite often dont feel good enough for anyone really.......but i truly believe if a guy loves me for who i am no friend of his could sway him to think he could do better..he would love me regardless of what others thought or felt on how i looked on any given day or year.......because he would be the one who really knew me the best.........same goes with you.....dont let others sabotage happiness that you do have or could have in the future with yours...or your own personal self esteem.......deb

[Eggplant]

It's important that your boyfriend feel that you are gorgeous, in addition to having an emotional connection. This guy thinks you are on par, but that's not good enough. Find somebody else who thinks you're his ideal woman.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look, you're a fool for even bringing this conversation up the first time....no man with half-a-brain is going to delve much into this topic, you just can't expect honesty from a man about this question...it's suicide for him to admit the truth like it would be for most men.

 

The fact of the matter is there will always be someone more "conventionally" attractive, but it's not a competition either but you are still young and at an age where looks matter a lot more than anything much else...it is normal, it is normal for men and women to make comments like this, it happens especially from the mouth of men but it's not uncommon from women either.

 

His mistake and ego boost was telling you what the friend said, this was a bit of a jab at you and and ego boost for himself....but he's at the age he would say something like that and he will soon realize his mistake.

 

After your relationship, he'll date some other girl who isn't a supermodel either and he'll have learned to not say these kinds of things ever again, so that it never crosses her mind.

 

Women want a fantasy of a guy only ever wanting or desiring her because he "loves" her so much...and because she thinks she's the most "beautiful and amazing woman in the world because he LOVES her so much" sorry, there is a part truth to that but part lie as well, your boyfriend...like every other man on the planet will always at some point desire someone else physically or sexually than you, it's a guarantee...the fact is, can he do any better? are they too young for him or out of HIS league? does he want to jeopardize the relationship? does he just simply love you and not want to lose you?

 

That's the reality, but this shouldn't really be a topic that men should ever discuss...I would give him a scolding, but in general men like being with women they feel are more attractive than themselves, I do think that has a large influence on them sticking around long-term...I don't seethis lasting the distance anyway.

[Eggplant]

Look, you're a fool for even bringing this conversation up the first time....no man with half-a-brain is going to delve much into this topic, you just can't expect honesty from a man about this question...it's suicide for him to admit the truth like it would be for most men.

 

The fact of the matter is there will always be someone more "conventionally" attractive, but it's not a competition either but you are still young and at an age where looks matter a lot more than anything much else...it is normal, it is normal for men and women to make comments like this, it happens especially from the mouth of men but it's not uncommon from women either.

 

His mistake and ego boost was telling you what the friend said, this was a bit of a jab at you and and ego boost for himself....but he's at the age he would say something like that and he will soon realize his mistake.

 

After your relationship, he'll date some other girl who isn't a supermodel either and he'll have learned to not say these kinds of things ever again, so that it never crosses her mind.

 

Women want a fantasy of a guy only ever wanting or desiring her because he "loves" her so much...and because she thinks she's the most "beautiful and amazing woman in the world because he LOVES her so much" sorry, there is a part truth to that but part lie as well, your boyfriend...like every other man on the planet will always at some point desire someone else physically or sexually than you, it's a guarantee...the fact is, can he do any better? are they too young for him or out of HIS league? does he want to jeopardize the relationship? does he just simply love you and not want to lose you?

 

That's the reality, but this shouldn't really be a topic that men should ever discuss...I would give him a scolding, but in general men like being with women they feel are more attractive than themselves, I do think that has a large influence on them sticking around long-term...I don't seethis lasting the distance anyway.

 

 

In a loving, healthy relationship, you NEVER cut down your partner to make yourself feel better. So given that + the fact that it's not going to last as you can see, forget the scolding, and just move on to much better prospects.

[frogs88]

Tsssk, guy has no tact whatsoever. Anyone who knows anything about relationships knows this is pretty much a no-brainer. Even at the age of 22.

[elaine567]

Look, you're a fool for even bringing this conversation up the first time....no man with half-a-brain is going to delve much into this topic, you just can't expect honesty from a man about this question...it's suicide for him to admit the truth like it would be for most men.

 

Where does it say she brought up this conversation?

 

My boyfriend and I were walking and he said that emotional connection was the most important to him and physical was just a plus. Then he casually let slip that his friend mentioned he could do better in a girlfriend. I asked him to explain, and he said that he guesses she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

[lara1235]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your input. His comments were unsettling to me because he didn't just bring up the friend's comment out of the blue, but he seemed to bring it up in support of the fact that the emotional connection was most important and the physical was just a plus. Therefore, to me the conversation seemed to be not as much him having said something stupid and then reassuring me, but him establishing that he thought he could do physically better but was setlling for me because of the emotional connection, and I find that a disturbing foundation to base a recovering relationship on, and it makes me wonder whether this relationship is right for me. DO you think it would be okay for me to bring it up to him like that and see how he responds?

[TaraMaiden2]

You're being far too considerate and tactful, but then, I'm afraid I'm one to call a spade a fekkin' shovel....

 

In your shoes, I'd just bail and tell him that contrary to his opinion of you, physically, he's gorgeous to you. Unfortunately, the immaturity of his cerebral matter leaves a lot to be desired, and if I wanted to go out with a 9-year-old, I'd buy a dog.

 

I think you just tell him, in whichever way you feel appropriate, that this isn't going to work. You minutes before, agreed to go out with him again, and he promptly comes out with bull like that?

 

Jeesh.....

[harrybrown]

If you want to talk to him about it, go ahead.

 

If he does not act like a gentleman, and give you a statement telling that he was "wrong" and "sorry", maybe you do not break up with him.

 

But he should mention both, not just sorry.

 

Hope he realizes that he was very wrong.(so very wrong)

[lara1235]

If you want to talk to him about it, go ahead.

 

If he does not act like a gentleman, and give you a statement telling that he was "wrong" and "sorry", maybe you do not break up with him.

 

But he should mention both, not just sorry.

 

Hope he realizes that he was very wrong.(so very wrong)

 

Do you mean like if he expresses that he was wrong for saying that, or wrong in his actual opinion? I can't fault him for his actual opinion, but is it wrong to be with someone who seems to think he can physically do better than me? I mean in a sense I know I could be with someone more attractive than him in like society's terms but I like him the way he is and I'm not centered on physical attraction in a relationship. However, I wouldn't tell him that, especially not when we were like JUST getting back together.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Wow he sounds like a creep 1) for telling you that & 2) for even engaging in a conversation like that with one of his friends, way to throw you under the bus.

[TaraMaiden2]

(I wonder how he would assess his friend's physique - Or then again, I wonder what her motivation was for pointing out he could do better in the physical field... ?)

[TaraMaiden2]

Do you mean like if he expresses that he was wrong for saying that, or wrong in his actual opinion? I can't fault him for his actual opinion, but is it wrong to be with someone who seems to think he can physically do better than me? I mean in a sense I know I could be with someone more attractive than him in like society's terms but I like him the way he is and I'm not centered on physical attraction in a relationship. However, I wouldn't tell him that, especially not when we were like JUST getting back together.

 

Like I said, you're way too tactful.

 

Obviously not something HE considered MINUTES after getting back together....!

[anna121]

Do you mean like if he expresses that he was wrong for saying that, or wrong in his actual opinion? I can't fault him for his actual opinion, but is it wrong to be with someone who seems to think he can physically do better than me? I mean in a sense I know I could be with someone more attractive than him in like society's terms but I like him the way he is and I'm not centered on physical attraction in a relationship. However, I wouldn't tell him that, especially not when we were like JUST getting back together.

 

It's not wrong if you're ok with it.

 

Are YOU ok with the idea that he thinks he can do better?

 

You seem quite insecure in the relationship. I'm just going by the types of questions that you ask here.

 

A relationship that makes you feel insecure is never, ever, EVER worth it.

 

Just my $.02.

[lara1235]

(I wonder how he would assess his friend's physique - Or then again, I wonder what her motivation was for pointing out he could do better in the physical field... ?)

 

She definitely has some issues in terms of she's stolen friend's things and - I'm trying not to judge because I don't mean this makes her a bad person or anything but it could have influenced it - has slept with 50 guys. Her friend also had a crush on him before we started dating. She also made this comment when we were broken up so she might have been trying to make him feel better. Also the one time she saw me, I actually didn't look too great so.

[lara1235]

It's not wrong if you're ok with it.

 

Are YOU ok with the idea that he thinks he can do better?

 

You seem quite insecure in the relationship. I'm just going by the types of questions that you ask here.

 

A relationship that makes you feel insecure is never, ever, EVER worth it.

 

Just my $.02.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I"m wrong for feeling insecure in this relationship, or if the comments he made would make anyone feel insecure?

[TaraMaiden2]

My goodness, are you over-thinking this, or what?!

 

Were you offended by his comments? Yes.

 

Are you having second thoughts about the relationship? Yes.

 

Should you now break up with him? Indubitably!!

 

There are no more questions to be answered, because we can't mind-read.. so any questions based around 'what did this mean'... are imponderable.

Going by what you have told us, I'm surprised you're not running a mile, yet.

[RedRobin]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your input. His comments were unsettling to me because he didn't just bring up the friend's comment out of the blue, but he seemed to bring it up in support of the fact that the emotional connection was most important and the physical was just a plus. Therefore, to me the conversation seemed to be not as much him having said something stupid and then reassuring me, but him establishing that he thought he could do physically better but was setlling for me because of the emotional connection, and I find that a disturbing foundation to base a recovering relationship on, and it makes me wonder whether this relationship is right for me. DO you think it would be okay for me to bring it up to him like that and see how he responds?

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Ok, a few questions...

 

1. why you think this guy loves you?

 

2. Why do you want to be around someone who talks down to you?

 

3. Don't you think you could find someone who treats you better?

 

4. Why are you trying to solve his problem?

 

4a. Why do you think having another discussion will fix this?

 

5. Have to ask... Do you have a history of abuse?

[RedRobin]

I guess I'm just wondering if I"m wrong for feeling insecure in this relationship, or if the comments he made would make anyone feel insecure?

 

It wouldn't make me insecure. It would make me realize that whatever he claimed about loving me is BS, no matter how many times he said it, and I would dump him for that. We aren't compatible and I wouldn't trust him not to try slinging another shot my way in what was supposed to be a tender moment for you.

 

That is why I would dump him. Not because it made me insecure. I just don't date mean men. Hence my question about whether you have been abused or not in the past.

 

In case you don't know it, this is how a lot of abuse starts. Simple like this.

[RedRobin]

Look, you're a fool for even bringing this conversation up the first time....no man with half-a-brain is going to delve much into this topic, you just can't expect honesty from a man about this question...it's suicide for him to admit the truth like it would be for most men.

 

The fact of the matter is there will always be someone more "conventionally" attractive, but it's not a competition either but you are still young and at an age where looks matter a lot more than anything much else...it is normal, it is normal for men and women to make comments like this, it happens especially from the mouth of men but it's not uncommon from women either.

 

His mistake and ego boost was telling you what the friend said, this was a bit of a jab at you and and ego boost for himself....but he's at the age he would say something like that and he will soon realize his mistake.

 

After your relationship, he'll date some other girl who isn't a supermodel either and he'll have learned to not say these kinds of things ever again, so that it never crosses her mind.

 

Women want a fantasy of a guy only ever wanting or desiring her because he "loves" her so much...and because she thinks she's the most "beautiful and amazing woman in the world because he LOVES her so much" sorry, there is a part truth to that but part lie as well, your boyfriend...like every other man on the planet will always at some point desire someone else physically or sexually than you, it's a guarantee...the fact is, can he do any better? are they too young for him or out of HIS league? does he want to jeopardize the relationship? does he just simply love you and not want to lose you?

 

That's the reality, but this shouldn't really be a topic that men should ever discuss...I would give him a scolding, but in general men like being with women they feel are more attractive than themselves, I do think that has a large influence on them sticking around long-term...I don't seethis lasting the distance anyway.

 

Dude, any grown woman knows the above. And vice versa. A grown man ought to know that his woman is gonna get the hots and maybe even an occasional little crush on another man every once in awhile... And nothing comes of it. Big deal.

 

But only true a holes out to cause mischief or worse let go with mouth diarrhea like this guy did. And you know it. Stop defending the turds.

 

Oh, and like another poster said... She didn't bring it up. He did. At the worst possible moment. Care to revise?

[lara1235]

It wouldn't make me insecure. It would make me realize that whatever he claimed about loving me is BS, no matter how many times he said it, and I would dump him for that. We aren't compatible and I wouldn't trust him not to try slinging another shot my way in what was supposed to be a tender moment for you.

 

That is why I would dump him. Not because it made me insecure. I just don't date mean men. Hence my question about whether you have been abused or not in the past.

 

In case you don't know it, this is how a lot of abuse starts. Simple like this.

 

Thanks for responding. I was kind of worrying in the past that he was being emotionally abusive, and I posted about it before - I think it should be in my history but I can't link to it because I'm on my phone. When we got back together he said he recognized and was going to stop all that behavior and wanted to be a better person. My parents were also somewhat abusive, to me and to each other.

 

I guess it didn't make me insecure physically, but more like insecure in what he thinks about me and in being in this relationship.

Edited June 5, 2015 by lara1235

[elaine567]

I was kind of worrying in the past that he was being emotionally abusive, and I posted about it before.

 

Yes, I think he is being emotionally abusive and this recent episode confirms it. He wants to make himself feel better by taking you down.

Then we went to his friend's birthday party. He drank too much and spent a lot of time with me but also kept touching another girl's back. He said she was cute when we left, and when we were going home (he was kind of drunk and zig zagging), he blamed me for not looking out for him, for letting him drink too much, said I was bad at taking care of people, told me to shut up.

[ascendotum]

Do you mean like if he expresses that he was wrong for saying that, or wrong in his actual opinion? I can't fault him for his actual opinion, but is it wrong to be with someone who seems to think he can physically do better than me? I mean in a sense I know I could be with someone more attractive than him in like society's terms but I like him the way he is and I'm not centered on physical attraction in a relationship. However, I wouldn't tell him that, especially not when we were like JUST getting back together.

 

Its his clumsy way (though I dont know of a great way to phrase it succinctly) that he's not shallow. He is into you for more then your looks (assuming he is sincere and not short on options). You are more special than a prettier girl he could get because of your nature, personality, ambitions, smarts, etc. Basically you have the very similar view on him its just that he vocalized it.

 

I've seen a few threads on here where the women get upset that their guy has said something similar. Liked them despite them not being a hottie. I have the impression the girls are average in beauty and so they're more sensitive on not been given credit for their sexual beauty than a gorgeous woman would. In fact often with a really beautiful woman they prefer to be appreciated for other aspects than their beauty. Many men's logic would work to think they are making a compliment, though women will see it as a backhanded compliment.

 

There are going to be lots of people in relationships with someone who likes to think they can do/deserve better. Whether they can is another story. Is speaking it really that much worse than just thinking it. If the person treats their partner well and is very loving & supportive those actions should really reflect their true feelings regardless of there being prettier, richer, smarter, healthier, younger, more talented people out there they could date. If the guy/girl genuinely can pull hotter partners, well then is it not a positive reflection on their partner that they think they're pretty special on more then just a superficial level.

Edited June 6, 2015 by ascendotum

[Eternal Sunshine]

My ex often said insensitive things like that and it caused me a lot of insecurity and built up this contempt I still have for him (even years after things ended). He would say stuff like "I mean I know I can find someone that I find physically more attractive, but I am so emotionally connected to you. And really finding it all is as rare as winning a lotto" Then he would say that he was just being 100% open and honest with me. In reality I should have walked away the first time he said it. It only got worse with time.

 

It took me a bit of time to realize that it was me that was settling