My boyfriend said his friend told him he could do better physically

[salparadise]

It's just confusing because that's what he was saying. Like he spent 3 days talking to me about our relationship and everything he wanted to do to fix it and giving me time to decide if I wanted to be in a relationship with him or not.

 

He said this stuff like a few minutes after I told him I was willing to try it.

 

A couple of thoughts... first, any objective assessment/discussion of looks or leagues or whether he could attract hotter women is shallow, immature, insensitive and downright stupid. If he is actually fixated on such matters then he has the mental and emotional maturity of a thirteen-year-old boy.

 

Secondly, if he exhibits a pattern of saying things to take you down a few notches, make you feel insecure and unworthy, and then pats you on the head as he comforts and pretends to be sensitive and caring with a sense of superiority... a huge red flag. That smacks of narcissism and abuse. In a good relationship you will feel enriched, joyful.

 

I think you should make an objective assessment his emotional intelligence and maturity. And if it turns out that all of this stuff being discussed is who he is––as opposed to an unfortunate mistake that will never happen again––then you need to say adios and only date young men who are healthy, mature and instinctively know how to engage in a healthy relationship. If he's always doing things to make you feel this insecurity/unworthiness, that would be your cue.

[RedRobin]

He is an abuser. In training. Getting little strokes from your willingness to look inside yourself and maybe even jump through hoops to 'prove' yourself to him every time he takes a dig at you.

 

Lots of people tell women to do this. Even some of the posters here. They tell you, oh, you are being too sensitive, blah, blah. Our culture has created the idea that women are somehow supposed to make up for, explain away, or justify men's faults for them. This is how the cycle of abuse starts. It is up to you to put a stop to it.

 

For me, it is not just what he said, but when he said it. It wasn't a mistake at all.

 

He showed his ways before. This is who he is. Let him cut his teeth on someone else.

[Lois_Griffin]

Figures his 'friend' is a girl. Have you met her and is she a friend of yours too? Sounds to me like she's trying to cause problems with you two. I hope your bf ignored her and told her to mind her own business and to stop saying stuff like that to him.

Young girls are INCREDIBLY catty. They say crap like this ALL the time. It doesn't mean she has a crush on this idiot guy. She was just acting like most young girls act.

 

Catty.

 

Older women do it too.

[Lois_Griffin]

I just spent 5 minutes going through your past posting history and realized this guy is a complete and utter douche canoe.

 

Repeating the comment someone made about your level of attractiveness was right in his wheelhouse.

 

Because he's a douche canoe.

 

I stand corrected.

 

An immature, self-absorbed, abusive douche canoe.

[Brigit]

My boyfriend and I were walking and he said that emotional connection was the most important to him and physical was just a plus. Then he casually let slip that his friend mentioned he could do better in a girlfriend. I asked him to explain, and he said that he guesses she felt like he should be dating more "conventionally attractive" people.

 

I never thought of myself as not conventionally attractive. I've gotten compliments on being pretty and for my smile, and I've had guys who really liked my body. I mean I have wide hips and small breasts, but I take care of myself and I'm like 5'7" 135 lbs which isn't perfect, but I just didn't think that this attractiveness thing was like that? Like I didn't have that much insecurity about my attractiveness to him, and it's not like my boyfriend's a model either - he's maybe 5'9" with a smaller frame, doesn't work out, but I ilke him and his body the way he is.

 

He felt really bad about it and kept telling me he shouldn't have mentioned it, he was an idiot, I was a 10/10 to him because of the emotional connection, he does find me conventionally attractive. He said if he was being honest, he thinks he could hook up with girls who were as attractive or more attractive and he'd be lying if he said I was the most conventionally attractive person in the world, but who I am to him makes me the most beautiful person in the world to him.

 

This all makes sense, but I"m still upset and can't put my finger on why. I mean obviously he's not the most conventionally attractive person in the world to me either but I wouldn't mention that. He felt like an idiot for lteting it slip that his friend said that, but I'm kind of hurt by his comment about hooking up with girls. Like people don't think we're mismatched and I honestly don't see myself as below his league physically, and I"m not sure I'm comfortable with the way he talked about this whole thing - he said all the "right" and romantic things to say while being honest, since we had issues with openness and the past and just agreed to be very open with each other, but.. idk I still feel unsettled. He did stay with me and reassure me until he was sure I was okay, which took a while.

 

Honestly where I am right now is wondering how I'm going to talk to him about this. I think I might ask him directly if he thinks he's physically out of my league, and break up with him if he says yes. What do you guys think, or is there a better way to handle this?

 

Your boyfriend and his friend sound very stupid. You can do better.