OdysseusCA Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 I fell in love with someone while I was married. I did not leave. She eventually got tired of that and broke it off to start something with another guy she knew from college (also married). He dropped her after a few meetings, except for a sporadic text. She wants me back now. I want her. Am I crazy? Flame away, but women, tell me--is there sometimes a guy in your past who can get you back, no matter what he did, and no matter what your status? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 We can pretty much get any guy. Are you still married? edit - oops I see you said guy getting girl, sorry. Not for me, no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OdysseusCA Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 Thanks for responding. Living apart, separated, not legally divorced. So-could she still have strong feeling for this guy, whom she has thought about over decades? There's a longer version to the story. I would really welcome an unbiased woman's perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
StrangerThanFiction Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I fell in love with someone while I was married. I did not leave. She eventually got tired of that and broke it off to start something with another guy she knew from college (also married). He dropped her after a few meetings, except for a sporadic text. She wants me back now. I want her. Am I crazy? Flame away, but women, tell me--is there sometimes a guy in your past who can get you back, no matter what he did, and no matter what your status? Let me get this straight, you and this woman have a thing while you're married. Woman gets fed up with you not leaving your marriage so she then drops you and goes for another married man who then drops her. She now wants you back after her other MM didn't work out. That pretty much the basics? First off, this woman sounds like a ring chaser. Ask yourself why she doesn't go for single available men instead of married unavailable ones. Second, she dropped you and went for someone else and when that didn't work out she wants you back from the backburner. You said she was fed up with your situation but then when her other tried-for affair fails she magically stops being fed up? I'm sorry dude but you're heading for a massive train wreck with this one. Do you really want to be with someone who views you only as their backup plan? As for your question, no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StrangerThanFiction Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Thanks for responding. Living apart, separated, not legally divorced. So-could she still have strong feeling for this guy, whom she has thought about over decades? There's a longer version to the story. I would really welcome an unbiased woman's perspective. Are you talking about the other guy or yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OdysseusCA Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 The other guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author OdysseusCA Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Stranger Than Fiction--appreciate the cold water, and any flame on me is well deserved. FWIW, here is the longer version, which may affect your thoughts. We'll call the woman P. I met P when I was a vendor for hersibusiness. For the first few years we were just good business associates, and truly respected each other professionally. She was married at the time, and has kids--very delightful ones. Nothing happened. From there a friendship slowly developed, and she wrote a thoughtful note when I had a death in the family, which was as clear a marker as any that a friendship had developed. She's very, very bright and very well educated. Graduate degree. Fast forward a few more years, and I take a job with her company, as her supervisor. Again, we get to know each other better, but she is by nature a very reserved, guarded person. Also very pretty in a very natural, understated way. Nothing flashy about her. Nothing inappropriate happens. She is a stellar employee. At the same time, her marriage has ended, and she looks terrible. I am very concerned for her, and we have a few dinners--all strictly platonic. She tells me about things, and we close the restaurant every time we go out we talk so long. A friendship is there, and I give her lots of advice. No physical lines crossed. I consider her a valuable colleague and very good friend. A few years after that we have a very serious crisis/project for the company. I ask her to help. We achieve terrific results under fairly intense pressure. I fly back to town after a very trying day and invite her to dinner to discuss the great result and thank her for her great contribution. No other agendas. Wine is served, but only enough to relax two already fatigued people. She tells me more about how bad her marriage was (she had moved out 8-9 months before when telling me about this), and how at the end--after she told her husband she would leave, she was contacted by a college boyfriend who was her first love, now living overseas. They met when he came to the US, and her husband found out, which was the final straw in the marriage. She tears up with embarrassment--even shame--as she tells me this. She is very shy and reserved by nature. So this is utterly unlike her. We talk several more hours, and we then mutually confess we are very, very attracted to each other (At the time I chalk up her night with her old boyfriend to wanting some happiness somewhere. She was both principal breadwinner and caregiver in her house.) A long kiss is all that happens that night. But it gets physical soon after. One night as we describe our past relationships, she tells me a little bit of her will always love the college flame. I leave the job and move long distance myself. But we talk every day. She insists I divorce, and the most I do is move out. We are off and on. We have a few fights and do not talk for several weeks. Two years ago after one such extended no contact, after we reconnect, she tells me she plans to see college boyfriend when he again returns to the US. I whine and beg and plead for her not to. She does not. Then we have another fight, and she says she is done with me. Again after a few months I try to reconnect. This time she says the college boyfriend is relocating back to the US for a high profile and fantastically lucrative (seven figure) job, and that his marriage is over. She plans to see him. I plead for her not to, and she refuses. Then followed intense agony as I imagined her with him, and her excitement about him is palpable in her voice. I drink myself to sleep for a month. The next month, I am getting back on my feet--working out, generally being healthy. She sends a short text wanting to have lunch in the near future. I ignore it for few days. Then I call. Were it any other woman, I would not have even returned the text. We talk for several hours. At first she says things are okay with him. I say we can be cordial, but no more. She eventually concedes that after a few weekends spent together, he simply did not contact her. She gradually admits that she missed me terribly while we were apart. We've started seeing each other again. So, is he really out of her heart? Can feelings like that change? I can't shake the feeling that I am second choice (I am quite successful; he is in a different, higher, tier entirely), and that should college flame again make a real effort to connect with her, she won't be able to resist. She says her feelings have changed, and said he texted once wanting to meet, but she turned him down flat and thinks we have something incredibly special. So that's why I ask--is it worth the risk? I'm no saint here either. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I fell in love with someone while I was married. I did not leave. She eventually got tired of that and broke it off to start something with another guy she knew from college (also married). He dropped her after a few meetings, except for a sporadic text. She wants me back now. I want her. Am I crazy? Flame away, but women, tell me--is there sometimes a guy in your past who can get you back, no matter what he did, and no matter what your status? I think you need to settle affairs at home first before worrying about your mistress coming back. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 Ignoring the fact that you're married, I say that you need to let this woman go. She's using you for a Plan B, and a back-up for if things go south for this other guy. And I've gotta say that her telling you that you've always been the special one sound like BS she's feeding the both of you to get back together. She sure seemed adamant about seeing him, even when you were begging her not to. Honestly, the fact that you're married to someone else aside (that's a whole 'nother red flag), this relationship looks shaky as hell from the beginning. Why didn't you get a divorce when she asked you to? I think that right now you're mourning the loss of the relationship more than her loss, and need to work past that. This whole thing is full of break-ups, NC, and the fundamental dishonesty of an extra-marital affair. I'd suggest that you get things situated with your wife before you embark on another relationship. Anything when one or both partners can't give 100% is unfair. Good luck. Oh, to answer your original question about there being one special guy...I guess there was one who I always had a connection with, but being married is a deal breaker. But other than that, I'd be open to giving it a try at any given time, were we both single. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Why aren't you divorcing? Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted June 7, 2015 Share Posted June 7, 2015 Here's some flame---sounds to me like you're asking the wrong questions. Here's how the post should read: Folks, I don't know who I am or what I want. I should have never married. I need to be divorced. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to be single for a few years while getting to know myself and atoning for the mayhem I brought into other people's lives? Unanimous reply: YES!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OdysseusCA Posted June 8, 2015 Author Share Posted June 8, 2015 Touche. Truth Hurts! Link to post Share on other sites
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