Helping my Significant Other

[Curious in Concert]

To everyone,

 

First off, i'd like to thank each and every one of you who responds to any of my posts. I hope that I'm not getting on your nerves, and I really appreciate what you all do. I love reading through the various ideas and it helps me to make a decision. Thank you all.

 

Now, on to the question: Me and my girlfriend love each other very much. Now, sometimes I feel like she doesn't show me that she loves me, you know? Like, if I were to stop calling, she won't call me for a while. Does this mean I call to much, or thats he doesn't want to talk to me, or simply that she doesn't think about it very often?

 

Also, she is having trouble commiting to the relationship. She told me she loves me, but she feels that she can't commit right now because of what she is going through over the broken relationship in which her inept ex-boyfriend ruined what they had. Now, I want to help her, fully. I've already told her that I'll wait for her, and that I love her, and its not the kind of commitment in which she is seeing other guys. She isn't, she just doesn't feel she can commit right now. She told me that she loves me, and thinks I'm perfect for her, and she couldn't understand at first why she felt this way.

 

Now, Like I said, I want to help her. I love her, and I want her to be able to do whats he feels right. Even during the times in which I sort of feel like she is being distant or the times in which I feel that she isn't being as expressive as I would like her to be(such as, not calling, or telling me how she feels or anything, but always asking me if I love her, and such.) I always reassure her that I love her, and when we can't be together that I miss her very much.

 

To the root of this whole thing: I was hoping that you women out there, and guys who know whats going on, could help me in figuring out what else I can do to just make sure she knows that I love her, and that I won't leave her and that I will be there for her. I want her to feel completely comfortable and make sure she knows how much I care. Can any of you offer advice as to what I can do to make sure she knows this? Thank you.

[cinsi]

I will attempt some advice here, because I have been in this situation...

Now, on to the question: Me and my girlfriend love each other very much. Now, sometimes I feel like she doesn't show me that she loves me, you know? Like, if I were to stop calling, she won't call me for a while. Does this mean I call to much, or thats he doesn't want to talk to me, or simply that she doesn't think about it very often?

You seem to be answering your own questions here. Im a woman (24yrs) who once (From 18-21) lived with a guy who I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. Then for reasons I wont discuss now (its a short novella) we broke up. My point is that when you are recovering from a break up, you have to take time to rediscover who you are without a boyfriend. perhaps when you are not around she is figuring herself out, and learning how to survive happily with out a guy or significant other to lean on. This is an extremely important part of life. I cant imagine how I would be had I not gone through the break up. Think about this...how would you feel if she was hanging all over you, ALL the time, never letting you go to a friends house alone or never letting you take a phone call without having to know who it is and what they said. That is the type of situation that will occur if she does not have the space and time needed to realize that she is an independant person.

Also, she is having trouble commiting to the relationship. She told me she loves me, but she feels that she can't commit right now because of what she is going through over the broken relationship in which her inept ex-boyfriend ruined what they had. Now, I want to help her, fully. I've already told her that I'll wait for her, and that I love her, and its not the kind of commitment in which she is seeing other guys. She isn't, she just doesn't feel she can commit right now. She told me that she loves me, and thinks I'm perfect for her, and she couldn't understand at first why she felt this way.

Well then do what you say you will- give her all the time and space she needs. And dont expect her to decide she wants to be with you at all. She is with you right after a break up, this is called a REBOUND relationship. I dont doubt that she has sincere feelings for you, but you must remember those feelings are also being mixed with the confusion/pain and change that happens in a breakup. And while sometimes rebound relationships work out, unfortunatly most do not. I hate to be so blunt about that, but you have to face reality that this girl may be using you as a pillow for the fall.

 

Be careful with this situation! You may end up getting hurt...

 

You want to help her? Try stepping away for a few weeks. You may be surprised to find that when you back off suddenly another guy appears in your place. Or maybe not. This could show you that she is either telling you the truth and needs some space or that you are just someone that helps to fill the void left by her previous relationship.

 

Try to listen to your head over your heart....it sounds like you are really trying to help this girl out. While this is great, you dont want your relationship to get stuck in that mode. It is best to begin a relationship with both people somwhat happy and willing and ready to begin a journey together. From your post it dosnt sound like she is ready. If you are serous about wanting a relationship with her, you should leave her alone to heal, and let her come to you. This will give her time to clear her head and truly decide that she does (or does not) want to be with you.

 

I hope this helps, good luck...I would be interested in hearing what you decide and how it turns out...

 

-Cin

[sparkle]

Hello,

 

You said: "Now, sometimes I feel like she doesn't show me that she loves me, you know? Like, if I were to stop calling, she won't call me for a while. Does this mean I call to much, or thats he doesn't want to talk to me, or simply that she doesn't think about it very often?"

 

Well it depends, how often do you call her? Maybe you call her so much that she really doesn't have time or isn't as interested in calling you? For example, if you call her every day on a regular basis, maybe she's just used to you calling and expects you to make all the effort because she knows you will.

 

"Also, she is having trouble commiting to the relationship."

 

Looks like you two aren't on the same level here. She's still trying to figure out whether she likes you enough to want to be committed to you. If she's having trouble committing, her feelings may possibly not be as strong as she says they are.

 

"Now, I want to help her, fully."

 

How do you want to help her? How do you plan on doing so?

 

I don't understand exactly, do you want to help her commit to you? That's something she'll need to figure out on her own.

 

"I've already told her that I'll wait for her, and that I love her, and its not the kind of commitment in which she is seeing other guys."

 

I think she may be taking advantage of the fact that you told her all this. When girls know the guy will stay with them no matter what, they sometimes take the guy for granted and expect him to be around whether they're nice to him or treat him like a jerk. Be careful here. If she just got out of a bad long-term relationship, that may be the only problem here. And she should've given herself time to adjust, heal and get over that guy.

 

"I always reassure her that I love her, and when we can't be together that I miss her very much."

 

Perhaps that is the problem. You keep telling her this stuff. And if she doesn't feel the same way, then it will only cause her to lose interest in you.

 

"help me in figuring out what else I can do to just make sure she knows that I love her, and that I won't leave her and that I will be there for her. I want her to feel completely comfortable and make sure she knows how much I care."

 

Honestly I'm pretty sure that she knows all of the above. I don't think you should do anything more to keep telling or showing her this. I don't think that is the problem at all.

 

You can't keep telling her this or she'll just become less and less interested in you. Personally, if I was treating a guy well and he wasn't acting that interested, I would totally back off. I'd stop calling and see how long it would be before he made an effort to call. That will give you a pretty good clue as to how much she really likes you.

 

I would also tell the guy that I knew what I wanted, but if he didn't know, then I wasn't going to wait around for him and waste my time. That I had better things to do and other people to meet. It's odd, the less you seem to like them, the more they will chase after you. It's been tested and proven a countless number of times.

 

You should try it.