I can't get over issues after my boyfriend cheated.

[Gardenia]

I know things like this have been posted a million times, but I would be very grateful nonetheless to anyone who would read this.

 

I am having some major issues after finding out my boyfriend of three years cheated on me. I realize that I was very young when we entered the relationship, but he wasn't. We moved in together at his offering, and at first it was wonderful. However, he slowly started getting to know a neighbor (and formerly a mutual friend) and eventually the two wound up sleeping together twice.

 

I found out, and I've since confronted both of them. I know he's very sorry for what he did, and I know she isn't. That much I can deal with.

 

What I can't deal with how I now feel about MYSELF. I can't help but feel that it's all my fault, that he wouldn't have done it if I was more attractive/skinny/etc etc. I think about it every day. I can hardly look in the mirror anymore without being angry at my own reflection. I have always had self-esteem issues, but that is nothing unusual in young women. Like I said, I was only eighteen and a virgin when I first met him, and though I realize that it is VERY young for a long, committed relationship, it wasn't me who cheated. I could still be sublimely happy if not for this giant issue block.

 

Since then, I've had a few offers of sex from another mutual friend of ours, and while I have to admit that I'm more than a little attracted to him, I was still able to tell him no, because I'm in an exclusive, loving relationship. I have no desire to cheat on my boyfriend, and the "experience" to meet and date other men holds no interest for me. I truly love him, and I can't fathom doing to him what he did to me.

 

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to leave, because leaving would make me more unhappy than I am, and we've worked so hard to repair things between us. I just can't get over all this guilt, and I honestly want to feel good about myself again. I just want my old life back.

[sweetpea01]

Try to realize that the cheating was not a reflection on YOU, but a reflection of his own weakness and selfishness. It doesn't have to come down to cheating...he could have simply ended your relationship before pursuing other interests, but he decided to deceive you, betray you, put your health at risk, and give you all these personal esteem issues.

 

Cheating is immensely painful, and extremeley difficult to get over. You are young - there are many many men who would never dream of doing this to you. Decide if you want to spend the next few years wondering why this happened/if it's your fault/etc., or if you want to move beyond this, and meet someone who would never dream of hurting you that way.

 

And, leaving doesnt mean you will be less happy than you are now. Maybe more lonely for a while, but would you truly be LESS HAPPY? Or does seeing him daily, being reminded daily, make you less happy.

 

 

Good luck!

SP

[sweetpea01]

Oh yea, and remember. He did it TWICE, not just once. Obviously, he didn't feel THAT bad the first time. He probably only stopped because he got caught.

 

 

 

SP

[Gardenia]

Thank you very much for your time in responding. It's good advice, and I'll certainly take it to heart.