"Oh, it's like THAT huh?"

[Cephalopod]

When one person cheats, it is extremely difficult (and sometimes impossible) to restore trust. When both choose to cheat, it just exacerbates the problem ,and often it becomes a constant "who is worse and who gets to be mad the longest" contest instead of anything to do with a real marriage.

 

To me, in my archaic way of thinking, marriage, at it's best, should exalt both husband and wife. When a married couple is simpatico and the marriage is healthy, and both partners are devoted to each other's best interests and welfare, there is a synergy that occurs, where the whole is greater than the sum of the two.

 

RA's and "open relationships" are anathema to this ideal. When both spouses cheat, or sleep with others outside the relationship, they polarize the relationship. They draw back from one another to occupy their own fortified camps. Then, any interactions that occur between them is nothing more than two ships talking to each other over distance with Morse flashers. There is only a treaty at best...not a marriage.

 

Unfortunately there are misguided folks here on this site that do not grasp this.

 

Marriage is a monogamaous union between two people. There is no such thing as an "open marriage".

 

Call it a "polyamorous relationship", "poly-partnership", "non-mo relationship"...call it anything except marriage.

Edited June 11, 2015 by Cephalopod

[autumnnight]

To me, in my archaic way of thinking, marriage, at it's best, should exalt both husband and wife. When a married couple is simpatico and the marriage is healthy, and both partners are devoted to each other's best interests and welfare, there is a synergy that occurs, where the whole is greater than the sum of the two.

 

RA's and "open relationships" are anathema to this ideal. When both spouses cheat, or sleep with others outside the relationship, they polarize the relationship. They draw back from one another to occupy their own fortified camps. Then, any interactions that occur between them is nothing more than two ships talking to each other over distance with Morse flashers. There is only a treaty at best...not a marriage.

 

Unfortunately there are misguided folks here on this site that do not grasp this.

 

Marriage is a monogamaous union between two people. There is no such thing as an "open marriage".

 

Call it a "polyamorous relationship", "poly-partnership", "non-mo relationship"...call it anything except marriage.

 

There seem to be 3 groups of people who advocate open marriage:

 

1. Cheaters

 

2. People advising other BS's to do this as some "even the score" tactic

 

3. People in sexless marriages

 

1 and 2, to me, are ridiculous. We all know why the cheater wants an open marriage, and it doesn't "even the score" because the whole lying, nasty, secret component isn't there.

 

I understand 3 a bit, but really, do I want to stay married to someone who so selfishly refuses to meet my most intimate need that I ed to ask permission to get it somewhere else?

 

Nope

[understand50]

There seem to be 3 groups of people who advocate open marriage:

 

1. Cheaters

 

2. People advising other BS's to do this as some "even the score" tactic

 

3. People in sexless marriages

 

1 and 2, to me, are ridiculous. We all know why the cheater wants an open marriage, and it doesn't "even the score" because the whole lying, nasty, secret component isn't there.

 

I understand 3 a bit, but really, do I want to stay married to someone who so selfishly refuses to meet my most intimate need that I ed to ask permission to get it somewhere else?

 

Nope

 

There can be a 4th type, People in sexless marriages, dues to illness or physical disabilities, or mental issues with one of the partners. In this case, the healthy partner goes outside the marriage for sex, but remains committed to "close" out the marriage.

 

57

[Cephalopod]

There can be a 4th type, People in sexless marriages, dues to illness or physical disabilities, or mental issues with one of the partners. In this case, the healthy partner goes outside the marriage for sex, but remains committed to "close" out the marriage.

 

57

 

"Ruby....don't take your love to town..."

[Sastrugi]

We were already separated and divorce had already been filed.

 

I've read your thread. It helps you to feel better by dragging me down to your level. I get it. Doesn't bother me. The bottom line is that's risk all WS's take when they cheat.

 

If you don't want your spouse out humping around, don't do it yourself. You're not entitled to fidelity when you don't willingly give it yourself.

 

^^^^^^ spot on.

[katielee]

So I guess if I killed someone's kid driving drunk they could kill mine?

Why would they not be owed fidelity? Where is that written?

What about keeping the vows YOU made?

[toolforgrowth]

So I guess if I killed someone's kid driving drunk they could kill mine?

Why would they not be owed fidelity? Where is that written?

What about keeping the vows YOU made?

 

1) Rubbing your genitals against those of another who is not your spouse is not the same as killing/murder (duh);

 

2) I don't believe that a person who commits adultery is owed fidelity in return by their spouse. Feel free to live your life according to a different set of rules...it's your life.

 

I live my life according to mine, the opinions of others notwithstanding.

[understand50]

1) Rubbing your genitals against those of another who is not your spouse is not the same as killing/murder (duh);

 

2) I don't believe that a person who commits adultery is owed fidelity in return by their spouse. Feel free to live your life according to a different set of rules...it's your life.

 

I live my life according to mine, the opinions of others notwithstanding.

 

I guess it depend what you want the outcome to be. I think that reconciling would be harder, if a RA happens. If you are trying to work it out, then it would just get in the way. On the other hand if you are going to divorce, and the marriage is over. Is it a real RA? or are you just getting a jump on single life?

 

To me, my actions in life are predicated on what I want. In the end all you can control in life is your own actions and behavior. So if I want to keep my marriage, I do not cheat, even if the my wife has. If my marriage is over, then I would go ahead.

 

We could go into the long discussion in the divorce, or reconciliation debate, but in the end, I my opinion is you do not close out your different decisions, until you have to. Once you make your decision, you go all in.

 

1459

Edited June 15, 2015 by understand50

[toolforgrowth]

I guess it depend what you want the outcome to be. I think that reconciling would be harder, if a RA happens. If you are trying to work it out, then it would just get in the way. On the other hand if you are going to divorce, and the marriage is over. Is it a real RA? or are you just getting a jump on single life?

 

To me, my actions in life are predicated on what I want. In the end all you can control in life is your own actions and behavior. So if I want to keep my marriage, I do not cheat, even if the my wife has. If my marriage is over, then I would go ahead.

 

We could go into the long discussion in the divorce, or reconciliation debate, but in the end, I my opinion is you do not close out your different decisions, until you have to. Once you make your decision, you go all in.

 

1459

 

Makes sense. I see where you're coming from, and I don't think that's a bad approach.

 

For me, it served two major purposes: 1) to rebuild my self esteem and get myself back in the game, and 2) to show her that if she didn't want me, then other women do, and that I wasn't going to stick around waiting for her to be done. In other words, I had options too, options that were better than her.

 

It worked very well for me.

 

I'm going to quote one of my favorite Cherry Poppin' Daddies songs:

 

I'm swinging on the chandeliers

I'm drowning in a thousand beers

I've got it down to an art

Lonely sex with a desperate heart

Is the way to get over someone,

Just to get under someone else

Show them no mercy,

There'll be no mercy for swine!

 

[Cephalopod]

Makes sense. I see where you're coming from, and I don't think that's a bad approach.

 

For me, it served two major purposes: 1) to rebuild my self esteem and get myself back in the game, and 2) to show her that if she didn't want me, then other women do, and that I wasn't going to stick around waiting for her to be done. In other words, I had options too, options that were better than her.

 

It worked very well for me.

 

 

I guess I'm not understanding. I'm a bit dense. Was it really a revenge affair where you intended to stay in the marriage but teach her a lesson,or was it a re-bound f*ck because at the time you thought the marriage was over and you were headed for divorce anyway? I think there is a difference.

[autumnnight]

I guess I'm not understanding. I'm a bit dense. Was it really a revenge affair where you intended to stay in the marriage but teach her a lesson,or was it a re-bound f*ck because at the time you thought the marriage was over and you were headed for divorce anyway? I think there is a difference.

 

In either of the above, as the available revenge vagina, I'd feel soooooo flattered....NOT

[ttfn555]

In either of the above, as the available revenge vagina, I'd feel soooooo flattered....NOT

 

I've been a BS- so I understand the want to feel that you can go on and others want you too- but unfortunately recently I was with a legally separated man who swore he was divorcing-haven't heard from him in 3 months- she had to move back in- nice- feeling used is awesome- there are other people involved besides you and your spouse- do no harm to others-don't use other people to make yourself feel better it' s wrong- just my opinion

[toolforgrowth]

In either of the above, as the available revenge vagina, I'd feel soooooo flattered....NOT

 

The woman I was with knew about it and was completely okay with it. Her exact words were "you need a rebound friend. We should hang out".

 

She suggested it, it was her idea. And I was more than happy to go along with it.

[autumnnight]

The woman I was with knew about it and was completely okay with it. Her exact words were "you need a rebound friend. We should hang out".

 

She suggested it, it was her idea. And I was more than happy to go along with it.

 

That is completely different. I doubt, sadly, that most people who have an RA are already separated and are that up front. In fact, I would bet that 99% of people who condone it and who did it were so consumed what the "payback" they were entitled to, they didn't even think about the vagina in question.

 

Hmm....entitled....what kind of thinking do we usually associate with that word.....

[toolforgrowth]

That is completely different. I doubt, sadly, that most people who have an RA are already separated and are that up front. In fact, I would bet that 99% of people who condone it and who did it were so consumed what the "payback" they were entitled to, they didn't even think about the vagina in question.

 

Hmm....entitled....what kind of thinking do we usually associate with that word.....

 

I view entitlement as a privilege that is allowed to some but not others. This situation is different. If she is allowed, then I am also allowed. She is not entitled to an affair or to get sex outside the marriage, because that would imply that I am not. When the reality is, if she was allowed, then so was I.

 

Same rules apply, AN.

[autumnnight]

I view entitlement as a privilege that is allowed to some but not others. This situation is different. If she is allowed, then I am also allowed. She is not entitled to an affair or to get sex outside the marriage, because that would imply that I am not. When the reality is, if she was allowed, then so was I.

 

Same rules apply, AN.

 

I was meaning those BS's who think that they are entitled to some strange booty at the expense of the "strange booty's" feelings.

[toolforgrowth]

I was meaning those BS's who think that they are entitled to some strange booty at the expense of the "strange booty's" feelings.

 

Ohhhhh, gotcha. I'm sorry, I misunderstood.

 

No, I don't look kindly on that. My xGF or xRAP or whatever totally initiated it first. It started out as just sex.

[Noirek]

I guess I'm not understanding. I'm a bit dense. Was it really a revenge affair where you intended to stay in the marriage but teach her a lesson,or was it a re-bound f*ck because at the time you thought the marriage was over and you were headed for divorce anyway? I think there is a difference.

 

It wasn't. He just insists it was to prove his point. If you are of a religous belief it is technically adultry. However a revenge affair is conducted within an active marriage. Since the WS already knew the marriage was over who either of them sleep with is not really each other's business. It is no where the same as a true revenge affair where the WS thinks they are in reconciliation or the couple is in fact still living as a couple. And while anyone is free to do what they want. If they preach cheating is bad no matter the reason they can't make up "you cheated first" exception and not be a hypocrite.

[toolforgrowth]

It wasn't. He just insists it was to prove his point. If you are of a religous belief it is technically adultry. However a revenge affair is conducted within an active marriage. Since the WS already knew the marriage was over who either of them sleep with is not really each other's business. It is no where the same as a true revenge affair where the WS thinks they are in reconciliation or the couple is in fact still living as a couple. And while anyone is free to do what they want. If they preach cheating is bad no matter the reason they can't make up "you cheated first" exception and not be a hypocrite.

 

Yes and no. If the marriage were truly over in her eyes, my ex wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret from me. She got pissed at her little brother when she found out he told me.

 

She had no intention of divorcing. She wanted to separate and have her fun, then come back.

 

This is where you and I have a fundamental difference of opinion. She blatantly lied to me have, and even tried to come back after her A was over. I knew in my heart the M was dead. Utter, I've been told that I still engaged in a RA. Now you're telling me I didn't. I don't give a rat's ass what label people attach to it, nor do I care how I am perceived. I do not accept double standards of any kind. If my spouse/SO is humping other people, then I will too. I will experience no guilt or remorse of any kind.

 

I will remain faithful as long as they are. All bets are off once they cross a line.

[Cephalopod]

Yes and no. If the marriage were truly over in her eyes, my ex wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret from me. She got pissed at her little brother when she found out he told me.

 

She had no intention of divorcing. She wanted to separate and have her fun, then come back.

 

This is where you and I have a fundamental difference of opinion. She blatantly lied to me have, and even tried to come back after her A was over. I knew in my heart the M was dead. Utter, I've been told that I still engaged in a RA. Now you're telling me I didn't. I don't give a rat's ass what label people attach to it, nor do I care how I am perceived. I do not accept double standards of any kind. If my spouse/SO is humping other people, then I will too. I will experience no guilt or remorse of any kind.

 

I will remain faithful as long as they are. All bets are off once they cross a line.

 

I agree with what you are saying to a point. I do not think it is cheating or a RA if you notify your WS that the marriage is over in your mind and heart and that you will be filing for divorce BEFORE you go out and have sex with another woman..

 

Now, if you never informed her of that, and this affair was just a secretive unilateral move on your part, then I think it was cheating, because she was oblivious to your intent to dissolve the marriage and your attitude that her adultery severed the marital relationship. That is subterfuge.

 

In American common law, a legal marriage is made up of three parties: you, your wife, and the state. You and your wife can bilaterally agree that the marriage is intellectually and spiritually over and go f*ck whomever you want, but you are still legally married until the state officially says you are divorced.