GF broke up with me after our first Argument

[SammySammy]

I don't really think what I did was verbal abuse really its kind of her being a bit over sensitive

 

She's not being oversensitive at all. This is about setting standards and boundaries. Establishing how she wants to be treated. If someone doesn't meet those standards or oversteps those boundaries, there should be consequences for that. She thought about her options and decided the best thing to do was to end the relationship. That's exactly what I would have done.

 

We teach people how to treat us. To do that, we must know what is acceptable or unacceptable. If somebody does something that is unacceptable, we must be willing to deal with it appropriately. Even if that means removing that person from our lives. It must done. Or we allow ourselves to be treated in a substandard manner.

[mightycpa]

Hey thanks for replying man...

 

 

I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by the age difference thing...I didn't think age was that far apart and it was okay

 

Sure... you've generated a lot of opinions. What I meant is that at your age, 2.5 months + all this drama means it was headed for Mount Trashmore, sooner or later.

 

The age difference means nothing. Your actual ages means everything. You sound like a couple of teenagers, and that's what happens to teenagers.

[SunnySide0418]

Am I the only one who thinks she overreacted? I don't think what he said was that bad at all. People have bad days and she was so willing to bail. I say good riddance. However, I don't see how you can be THAT in love with someone after only 2.5 months..

[fireflywy]

I think you pushed it too far. Sorry guy.

Edited June 5, 2015 by fireflywy

[mystikmind2005]

When you say made a choice to believe in yourself do you mean things like "I'm awesome" "there is nothing wrong with me" "I'm sexy and wanted" etc

 

I'm not sure where the line between believing in yourself and being "delusional"

 

As with most things, its about balance.

 

Possibly a way of explaining it is to use the example of playing sport. Regardless if you are actually good at sport, If you believe in yourself and your abilities that will take you allot further than if you have no confidence or belief in your abilities .... also in military terms, think of how important 'morale' is in battles throughout history and how many battles were lost that should not have been lost simply because the enemy exploited or managed to instill a weakness in morale.

[Poppyolive]

Thanks man....

 

Funny thing I knew in my head that I WAS smothering her...as I was typing those texts I thought "maybe I should just give her some space"

 

But no my impulsivity took over...I was going to do what I wanted to do and there was no stopping it

 

I'm an impulsive person by nature...sometimes when I get buzzed I love to speed on the highway...I smoke...I eat junk food even when I make a diet commitment...

 

I'm just impulsive by nature and even when I know something is the better thing to do or say...I just give into the moment...

 

I've tried changing this but it's so hard like I'm a slave to what I feel and what I think doesn't matter

 

 

 

 

Everybody feels like this. Everybody. You can learn new techniques to deal with this and move forward in a productive, mature fashion. Learning to fight fair, conflict resolution & communication is crucial. Do some Google searching. Also, a tip for you, next time you're in a situation like this, write it all down, exactly how you feel and sleep on it. Clear your head and all angry, negative emotions. Then proceed. You can still get your point across.

[harkkam]

I had sent her this text message a few days ago, right before going NC

 

Me:

 

So Hey...I'm sorry for bothering you again..didn't write this to "win" you back..just hope you read this that's all..I re-read all our texts going back to our fight...imaging myself as you...I see I really did handle everything poorly...I would also think this person(me) is immature...what's funny is that the things I was upset about at that time seem so stupid to me today...had it been a different week I wouldn't have even cared about those things...but like you said it was immature...I could have just talked to you calmly in person...and for only a two month relationship...from your point of view...yes my behavior is a big red flag...I was just really moody that day I think from withdrawal...I had stopped taking my depression pills the day before...but I couldn't tell you that...I guess what hurts me is I saw so much potential for us...but then my moody behavior comes along and ruins it...I don't blame you...I know I'd be hesitant too...i guess I just couldn't find the right words to tell you "hey Nim...that's not the real me...it was just my moody withdrawal"...from the outside I know it looked like my behavior was a big red flag...I guess in my body... I knew it was just a silly little outburst...deep...deep...down I don't care how long you take to text or text on dates or w.e....that's silly stupid stuff....but I know it looks bad on me....I am really hurt and depressed to be honest because I feel like I messed this up...I saw lots of potential and then I knocked it all down with a silly outburst that's not even the real me...lastly I'm sorry for the part I played...I just really...really...wanted to make this work...but I'll move on...sometimes I guess things don't work out....you're a beautiful...intelligent woman....funny and kind with a good heart...I don't hate you...and wish you the best and hope you find the person that makes you complete....

 

Today an hour ago she sends me:

 

Her: Thanks for that

 

I'm going to stay NC for sure, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything

[veggirl]

OMG so much drama over....what exactly?!! I don't even get what she was mad about to start with?? She seems like a drama queen and honestly, so do you. Your texts reek of desperation. If someone wants some time to think, you don't text them with a count down of how long it's been "omg it's been 6 hours..." Yikes!!!

 

Here's some advice, in the future when you get in STUPID little tiffs like this, you say "hey, I'm sorry for XYZ, I apologize."....you give a SHORT, TO THE POINT apology and then you MOVE ON! You don't rehash it for hours to the point it turns into a huge break up!

 

Your texts full of excuses and explanations and pleading to talk all just made the situation worse.

 

All you should have done was say "I'm sorry if I offended you, I certainly never meant to" and then MOVED ON from it!

 

Although, again, tbh I don't see what you said originally that got her so angry.

[soulforge]

Holy crap!! This is a very similar situation to me..

 

In my case she assumed that i was in a mood with her, because i did not put an X at the end of a text i sent her..

 

Because she felt i was in a mood, she flaked on a pre arranged date with me.. i got annoyed with her and told her to 'get a grip' when she kept accusing me of bieng in a mood with her.. this was not true!

 

She then accused me of bieng rude to her.. i decided at the point to stop the text convo

as it would have got worse..

 

Few days later i tried to talk to her again, and again she was angry and escalating things further.. Then a week of no contact and i invited her to meet me for a nice face to face chat and a coffee..

 

Again she was angry moody, not making any effort to resolve this petty argument.. so i ended things with her!!

 

Told her it was over.. she had previously turned a small thing into a mountain and i could see a pattern developing where i was always doing the chasing, in order to make things right.. every couple has the odd difference, aslong as its not a regular thing!

 

But takes communication to be able to sort these problems out..

 

 

In your case.. you over reacted and got too needy.. this is what probably killed her attraction for you.. nothing you can do now, other than remain nc

[elaine567]

Me:

Hey we need to talk

I know you have your phone on you all the time so I'm not sure why it takes you so long to respond especially when we go on our dates you are texting almost half the time. (ATTACK)

 

(I way over exaggerated how much she texts on our dates maybe she looks at her phone once or twice and sends like two text messages....I just found something and ran with it to be upset about)

 

I think my moodiness has to do with me trying to stop my depression medication too suddenly. It was giving me sexual problems and I didn't want that to come between us. (Excuses)

 

Her:

Hey I'm eating I went back to sleep. ..u need to chill n we can talk when ur not so rude. (Calm down)

 

Me:

Sorry I'm just a bit frustrated...

 

Her:

I will talk to you when you are more calm. Ttyl.

Please don't reach out to me until you can speak to me respectfully. (I am setting a boundary here, please listen)

 

Me:

Okay

Can I call you in 10 minutes? (too soon)

 

(I wait for ten minutes and call her twice and she doesn't pick up) (needy)

 

Me:

I just called...and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be more respectful...but I just want to have a calm discussion with you

If you don't want to talk to me let me know at least

Sigh repeat text (needy and ATTACK)

 

Her:

Yeah I'm a bit taken aback and offended that you would approach any time of convo with me in the tone you took w me. I really don't have the patience to talk to you right now. I don't tolerate that kind of attitude when all you needed to do was nicely say we should talk and it's important to me. (Setting boundary again)

 

Me:

Okay....I agree with you....I let my frustration get the best of me....you've been so busy this week...and we don't text much or talk much i just felt disconnected...I'm not blaming you for busy....I know that once I get a job I'll be just as busy....but there are a few things that were bothering me

I'll be honest my past relationships the other person was very defensive and in order to get my point across I had to go in with guns blazing.

That was the only way I could get her attention if I was loud and brash about it.

Otherwise I was just ignored

(excuses, your past relationship has nothing to do with her)

My apologizes sincerely.... I love you

And miss you very very much.

 

(Just recently left a job to change fields and have gone on a couple interviews and she knows that)

 

(I wait for three hours after my last text)

 

Me:

Are you still down to go out tonight?

You don't have to answer that

I understand you may be upset so

We can worry about that later

 

Her:

I am upset and a bit disappointed that you would think you had to speak to me so harshly to make a point. I don't feel like we are on the same page right now and I don't think seeing each other tonight will go over well. Not for me at least.

 

Me:

Okay I understand

This is kind of frustrating that I want to talk to you and you're just ignoring me

So if I say something you don't like this is what you're going to do...just ignore my calls...What am I supposed to do baby I want to talk to you (Attack)

I'm sure if you were upset at me for something and I just walked away from you that would make you more upset That you don't care about my feelings enough to talk to me.... (needy)

 

(It had been two hours now since the start and I wanted to hash it out and getting impatient)

 

Her:

I care about your feelings but now is not the time to hash this out.

I also need some space to think about what I'm feeling (some space setting boundary AGAIN)

 

Me:

Okay

I'd like to say that I'm sorry and hope we can move past this (ignoring request for space)

 

(No response and I waited for another hour before I sent her my next text)

 

Me:

Hey baby can we talk now? (No response) - (desperation)

 

Me:

Baby all I want to say is that there were some things you do/did that bothered me and hurt me and frustrated me...but I didn't know how to tell you...so it just built up inside me...day after day...until you not texting me last night just set me off

I wanted everything to be perfect

So I tried to ignore the things which bothered me

But I couldn't ignore them any longer...

I should have just told you at the moment when something bothered me but I couldn't because I'm supposed to be a man like a rock who doesn't get hurt by anything

I love you very much baby

I don't want to hurt you it's the last thing I want to do

But I know I did

Anyway I hope you understand a bit better why I lost my cool bcuz the frustration was building up and I never shared it with you

Hopefully in the future I will be more open and honest with you about how I feel so I don't just bury it underneath and pretend everything is okay (Ignored boundary and request for space)

 

Her: Please give me some space I appreciate your explanation but please just let me think (boundary)

 

Me: Okay...Can I ask what you're thinking about?

I won't bother you...I just want to know if our small spat has made you not want to be with me anymore (ignored boundary)

 

(No response for four hours now it's 10:00 pm the issue started at 2:00 pm)

 

Me: I guess I'll just have to keep waiting....almost six hours ago when I said we needed to talk...you keep ignoring my phone calls...I think I gave you space...not sure how long I need to wait before we can talk about this like adults

I'm not going to lie I'm losing my patience too (anger)

 

Her: I have have a lot going on the past week and I explained that to you and still flipped out on me. I need to think some things through and I will talk to you when I figure out what it is that I want. (boundary)

 

Me: Can you explain what you mean by "what it is that you want?" Not sure if you're breaking up with me or not? Plus you never call me it's always me calling you...and you only talk to me for like 10 minutes....plus you text your friends when we go in a date These things bothered me...And you always tell me about when guys hit on you...And I'm not sure why you do that

I feel wrongly or rightly that you're trying to make me feel jealous it really bothers me...I love you and I want you to know that

Please don't make me the bad guy ...I had a rough week too

I just didn't know how to tell you ( Ignored boundary - Pleading, needy, blaming and excuses)

 

 

At that point I gave up, I agree with MidKnightDreams, you were moody, took it out on her, she didn't like it.

She set her boundaries in the convo and you overstepped and ignored them time and again.

She decided the drama was not something she wants to be part of. She ended it.

 

She perhaps has a history of this sort of behaviour in a bf before, she perhaps had her red flag radar on full, but she knows what she wants and this obviously wasn't it.

Instead of excusing it and putting up with it, it was a deal breaker for her.

She didn't like the behaviour, she didn't tolerate it and she walked, good for her.

 

OP you need to move on, nothing more to be done.

Learn from it, but try not to over compensate by adopting a totally hands off way of dealing with arguments with your next gf, as that can be just as problematic - a happy rational medium is required.

Moodiness and jibes are not usually well received by anyone, some will tolerate, but it tends to lead to resentment down the line.

[aloneinaz]

OMG so much drama over....what exactly?!! I don't even get what she was mad about to start with?? She seems like a drama queen and honestly, so do you. Your texts reek of desperation. If someone wants some time to think, you don't text them with a count down of how long it's been "omg it's been 6 hours..." Yikes!!!

 

Here's some advice, in the future when you get in STUPID little tiffs like this, you say "hey, I'm sorry for XYZ, I apologize."....you give a SHORT, TO THE POINT apology and then you MOVE ON! You don't rehash it for hours to the point it turns into a huge break up!

 

Your texts full of excuses and explanations and pleading to talk all just made the situation worse.

 

All you should have done was say "I'm sorry if I offended you, I certainly never meant to" and then MOVED ON from it!

 

Although, again, tbh I don't see what you said originally that got her so angry.

 

 

I have to totally agree with this post by Veg.. You're NOT learning here. There was no reason or value in texting her. You already apologized. You simply made yourself look massively desperate and pathetic. I'm not trying to be mean, but make a point that you're doing the exact opposite of what you should of done, at that's leave her alone.

 

 

So many people who get dumped believe that contacting the dumper, apologizing, pouring their hearts out and begging for another change will tug at the dumpers heart and provide another chance. In reality, it FULLY turns them off, strokes their ego and as mentioned, reinforces that your a wuss with no backbone or pride.

 

 

If this helped you feel better, then go with that. But, don't contact her again as she might think you've moved onto the stalker stage.

[sandylee1]

Sorry, but I'd have done the same as she did.

 

Despite your apologies you were still trying to blame her. The initial text would have ticked me off as well and if I'd been in the relationship longer I'd probably have the desire to work on things , but not be so willing in the early stages.

 

From my own experience, I became less tolerant with guys as I got older and was more looking for a husband, than just a BF, so if a guy I was dating showed a trait I didn't like in my mind I thought, I'm never going to marry him so continuing to date was a waste of my time. Especially if I already had doubts it would take just one thing to piss me off and I was done.

 

I remember one BF saying to me "please don't start " and that was it , I was done . I'd already told him I didn't like this because it was like I was a little kid playing up.

 

When I was late teens and early twenties I would have let it go , but if I didn't see a guy as husband material, carrying on was pointless.

[soulforge]

Sorry, but I'd have done the same as she did.

 

Despite your apologies you were still trying to blame her. The initial text would have ticked me off as well and if I'd been in the relationship longer I'd probably have the desire to work on things , but not be so willing in the early stages.

 

From my own experience, I became less tolerant with guys as I got older and was more looking for a husband, than just a BF, so if a guy I was dating showed a trait I didn't like in my mind I thought, I'm never going to marry him so continuing to date was a waste of my time. Especially if I already had doubts it would take just one thing to piss me off and I was done.

 

I remember one BF saying to me "please don't start " and that was it , I was done . I'd already told him I didn't like this because it was like I was a little kid playing up.

 

When I was late teens and early twenties I would have let it go , but if I didn't see a guy as husband material, carrying on was pointless.

 

 

 

Wow you ended a relationship because he said, please don't start.. i don't know the whole story behind it, maybe you had good reason to end it..

 

 

But.. i believe there is always going to be an issue, or the odd argument or disagreemant in a relationship.. i find people walk away from relationships way too easily these days..

 

If you care for a person, then you should try to be a little forgiving too.. alsong as your not always arguing..

 

Even if you found the right partner, who is to say you might not reach a rough patch and end up arguing or disagreeing at some point..

[ravfour4]

This thread makes me feel less needy No disrespect OP.

 

As everyone has said, you pushed her way too far. After the first, let me know when you've calmed down text, you should have waited a few hours and then say "Sorry about that, I'm more relaxed now. Can you call me when you get a chance?"

 

But instead, you asked to call her in 10 min and she didn't respond - so she obviously didn't want you to call and then you called multiple times, then bombarded her with texts and it was obvious that inside you were absolutely freaking out and not calm like she requested.

[sandylee1]

Wow you ended a relationship because he said, please don't start.. i don't know the whole story behind it, maybe you had good reason to end it..

 

 

But.. i believe there is always going to be an issue, or the odd argument or disagreemant in a relationship.. i find people walk away from relationships way too easily these days..

 

If you care for a person, then you should try to be a little forgiving too.. alsong as your not always arguing..

 

Even if you found the right partner, who is to say you might not reach a rough patch and end up arguing or disagreeing at some point..

 

It's the way he said it. If I voiced something I didn't like , he said it to shut me up I decided there and then the relationship was going nowhere and I didn't want to be with a man who spoke to me like that. I just waited till the next time he called and ended it. The point is that he showed me what he was like and I realised (apart from a great physical relationship ) I wasn't getting anything from him.

 

The OPs gf may have felt like this. That this initial text and constant harassment afterwards showed her something she wasn't prepared to deal with. It was clear she needed space and was trying to calm down.

 

I do have patience with my husband and when we dated I knew he was the kind of guy I could see myself with long term . We had arguments but he was worth getting through them and he never disrespected me or spoke badly to me, ever when we dated. Simply put, if you don't think a relationship is worth it you don't put up with any crap.

 

She may have developed a 'start as you mean to go on policy '.