Trying to get over her

[Azrael]

Hello everyone, as you can tell from my thread title I have a dilemma. I very recently was in affair with this woman for about 2 years. The thing is , I can't understand her lately. she says she wants to just be friends with me one minute but then flirt with me heavy and wants to have sex the next.

 

I still love her but she recently told me she doesn't love me anymore she just cares for me. That was the main reasons we decided to be friends but she keeps switching between acting like a friend and acting like a lover.

 

For the past week though she had been acting very distant to me and it has give me the strength to end our friendship/relationship. Now she feels sad but I don't want to be in that cycle anymore.

 

At the same time, I love her so much and I keep thinking that if we were in a regular relationship maybe things would be different. That's something she always says but she won't break up with her bf because he had helped her when she was going through a bad time. I know she is going to try to contact me again and I need the resolve to leave her alone. I keep getting nagging thoughts about her though do any of you know how to stay strong in this situation? Also I feel disgusted in myself for even engaging in this relationship. I won't do this again.

 

Sorry if any of this is confusing to you all.

[FusionCutter]

Hello everyone, as you can tell from my thread title I have a dilemma. I very recently was in affair with this woman for about 2 years. The thing is , I can't understand her lately. she says she wants to just be friends with me one minute but then flirt with me heavy and wants to have sex the next.

 

I still love her but she recently told me she doesn't love me anymore she just cares for me. That was the main reasons we decided to be friends but she keeps switching between acting like a friend and acting like a lover.

 

For the past week though she had been acting very distant to me and it has give me the strength to end our friendship/relationship. Now she feels sad but I don't want to be in that cycle anymore.

 

At the same time, I love her so much and I keep thinking that if we were in a regular relationship maybe things would be different. That's something she always says but she won't break up with her bf because he had helped her when she was going through a bad time. I know she is going to try to contact me again and I need the resolve to leave her alone. I keep getting nagging thoughts about her though do any of you know how to stay strong in this situation? Also I feel disgusted in myself for even engaging in this relationship. I won't do this again.

 

Sorry if any of this is confusing to you all.

 

Grow up and leave this toxic woman.

[aloneinaz]

Hello everyone, as you can tell from my thread title I have a dilemma. I very recently was in affair with this woman for about 2 years. The thing is , I can't understand her lately. she says she wants to just be friends with me one minute but then flirt with me heavy and wants to have sex the next.

 

I still love her but she recently told me she doesn't love me anymore she just cares for me. That was the main reasons we decided to be friends but she keeps switching between acting like a friend and acting like a lover.

 

For the past week though she had been acting very distant to me and it has give me the strength to end our friendship/relationship. Now she feels sad but I don't want to be in that cycle anymore.

 

At the same time, I love her so much and I keep thinking that if we were in a regular relationship maybe things would be different. That's something she always says but she won't break up with her bf because he had helped her when she was going through a bad time. I know she is going to try to contact me again and I need the resolve to leave her alone. I keep getting nagging thoughts about her though do any of you know how to stay strong in this situation? Also I feel disgusted in myself for even engaging in this relationship. I won't do this again.

 

Sorry if any of this is confusing to you all.

 

 

It sounds like you were providing the best of both worlds for her. She had her cake and ate it too. A stable BF at home, and a play toy on the side. I think you know you need to simply STOP any further contact with her and move on to someone that is available for a complete relationship.

[Azrael]

It sounds like you were providing the best of both worlds for her. She had her cake and ate it too. A stable BF at home, and a play toy on the side. I think you know you need to simply STOP any further contact with her and move on to someone that is available for a complete relationship.

 

I just feel like she is staying with him out of obligation and that was what kept me there for so long. I know I should stay away I should be tougher. Even as I am writing this she sends me a message and I just don't get it. I am tired of the cycle but I still want her.

[sunburned]

She's keeping you as an option -- on the backburner. She's not even married and no kids, I presume? It's not looking good if she hasn't left after two years. I'm sorry. Time to tell her to fish or cut bait. Let her know she can call/text again when she's broken up with her BF and if you're still available you'll consider it (but don't be available, she sounds like bad news).

[Popsicle]

I hope you can get to the point soon that you feel like you deserve more and get tired of her push-pull routine.

 

Are you in a R or married too?

[jen1447]

Most often when I hear stories like this anymore I just wonder "why fight it?" (Esp when there's not a marriage involved.) It also makes me sad that so many people seem to automatically write off polyamory as a possibility.

[Azrael]

She's keeping you as an option -- on the backburner. She's not even married and no kids, I presume? It's not looking good if she hasn't left after two years. I'm sorry. Time to tell her to fish or cut bait. Let her know she can call/text again when she's broken up with her BF and if you're still available you'll consider it (but don't be available, she sounds like bad news).

 

Yes she isn't married or anything the main reason why she stays with him is because she respects him too much as a person so she will always love him. The thing is that conflicts with us she was the one who made the first move towards me. She never used to be this back and forth before. When I did tell her I felt like a side thing she got very upset with me and didn't talk to me for about a week then she came back in full force. I don't get it.

 

I hope you can get to the point soon that you feel like you deserve more and get tired of her push-pull routine.

 

Are you in a R or married too?

 

No, I am single. What makes this harder for me to break is well she is the first person I ever connected with at this level before. It is addicting but I haven't spoken to her since two days ago.

 

Most often when I hear stories like this anymore I just wonder "why fight it?" (Esp when there's not a marriage involved.) It also makes me sad that so many people seem to automatically write off polyamory as a possibility.

 

It's funny cause I asked her if she was capable of loving multiple people before. Actually I think her bf knows to some degree but she says he doesn't care. He just wants her to stay by his side.

[jen1447]

Well she obviously is. What about you?

[MuffMan6969]

I dont understand why you would want to burn that bridge. If she texts you and wants sex, go for it. In the meantime get out and start dating. Hopefully someone will come along and be exactly what you are looking for.

[Satu]

When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore, it usually means that they never did.

[aloneinaz]

I dont understand why you would want to burn that bridge. If she texts you and wants sex, go for it. In the meantime get out and start dating. Hopefully someone will come along and be exactly what you are looking for.

 

 

 

I think this is on point too. The only difference is you're putting all your eggs in one basket vs. using her as a back up like she's using you.

 

 

Keep things the same but put yourself out there to meet someone else. Maybe you meet a new girl that rocks your world and can then sing to her the ole Bob Hope song.. "Thanks for the memories, the times we USE TO share"....

[anika99]

Yes she isn't married or anything the main reason why she stays with him is because she respects him too much as a person so she will always love him. The thing is that conflicts with us she was the one who made the first move towards me. She never used to be this back and forth before. When I did tell her I felt like a side thing she got very upset with me and didn't talk to me for about a week then she came back in full force. I don't get it.

 

 

 

 

She stays with him because she respects him too much. Hahahaha...that's a good one. People don't cheat and deceive a person they respect. She has zero respect for him. Ignoring you for a week after you told her how you feel was done to teach you a lesson. All she wants to hear from you is that you are madly in love with her and will be at her beck and call forever. She doesn't want to hear that you feel used or feel like a side piece because that doesn't make her feel good and your role in her life is to make her feel good.

 

 

So she punished you for being honest. She made you miss her and made you feel confused and insecure and then she came back full force. It was done to put you in your place and teach you not to say things to her that aren't about stroking her ego. She doesn't respect you any more than she respects her boyfriend, which is nil.

 

 

End the charade, go no contact and get her out of your system for good.

[Fleur de cactus]

She doeS not love you . She never did . It is only about sex. It is an affair. She does not even respect you as you said. You are used as a toy. Find your own woman .

[Azrael]

@ Jen

 

No, I don't think I can actively be with two people seriously. When I asked her this she said she could only be sexual with one person at a time. She just "loves" him different her words.

 

@MuffMan

I want to burn the bridge because it feels like she has changed. She never used to be like this and it's making me confused

 

@Satu

The weird thing is this started out sexual because that was all she wanted. but later down the line she told me that she fell for me. I don't understand why not just keep it like that if she never loved me?

 

@Aloneinaz

I was thinking about doing that but its hard to stay in that pattern. I know its pathetic but it is hard without her as well.

 

@anika

She says she truly respects him as a person because of how kind he is to her and how he handles situations. I know it is weird lol. But I do believe her on that. When she is with me, she never brings him up and if I do it makes her feel guilty. I am leaning more towards ending the cycle.. after today (I broke and answered her call earlier) its.. difficult.

[anika99]

@ Jen

 

No, I don't think I can actively be with two people seriously. When I asked her this she said she could only be sexual with one person at a time. She just "loves" him different her words.

 

@MuffMan

I want to burn the bridge because it feels like she has changed. She never used to be like this and it's making me confused

 

@Satu

The weird thing is this started out sexual because that was all she wanted. but later down the line she told me that she fell for me. I don't understand why not just keep it like that if she never loved me?

 

@Aloneinaz

I was thinking about doing that but its hard to stay in that pattern. I know its pathetic but it is hard without her as well.

 

@anika

She says she truly respects him as a person because of how kind he is to her and how he handles situations. I know it is weird lol. But I do believe her on that. When she is with me, she never brings him up and if I do it makes her feel guilty. I am leaning more towards ending the cycle.. after today (I broke and answered her call earlier) its.. difficult.

 

She can say whatever she wants but actions speak louder than words and her actions show that she has zero respect for him.

[jen1447]

@ Jen

 

No, I don't think I can actively be with two people seriously. When I asked her this she said she could only be sexual with one person at a time. She just "loves" him different her words.

You wouldn't have to be with two people, she would. And um ....she already is.

 

@MuffMan

I want to burn the bridge because it feels like she has changed. She never used to be like this and it's making me confused

 

@Satu

The weird thing is this started out sexual because that was all she wanted. but later down the line she told me that she fell for me. I don't understand why not just keep it like that if she never loved me?

 

@Aloneinaz

I was thinking about doing that but its hard to stay in that pattern. I know its pathetic but it is hard without her as well.

 

@anika

She says she truly respects him as a person because of how kind he is to her and how he handles situations. I know it is weird lol. But I do believe her on that. When she is with me, she never brings him up and if I do it makes her feel guilty. I am leaning more towards ending the cycle.. after today (I broke and answered her call earlier) its.. difficult.

 

It seems pretty clear then that you're just a f*ck buddy for her, so why not roll with the punches (assuming the sex is good) and just be that? I agree with Anika that she's really not showing respect for either of you and that she's rationalizing and doesn't seem to be in control of her drive and it's bscly calling the shots. She'll be back for more sex, don't worry, *unless* she found another guy to be her #2.

 

btw, her "respect" for #1 is mainly that he just treats her the best imo, like I assume his "kindness" is he gives her stuff and probably provides for her emotional needs. So it's not really respect, it's that he sponsors her large enough for the top spot.

[aloneinaz]

What's interesting about this thread is it highlights just how selfish and self centered this gal is. She WANTS to have it all. The loving, stable BF at home and then some side "strange" as well.

 

 

OP- you're clearly far too emotionally invested in this gal. The fact that you're posting on this site demonstrates that you're not too thrilled about being her door mat and her dictating all the shots.

 

 

Only you can decide if you want to continue being her puppet. I think some guys would continue to screw her but would say to themselves "I need more than this" and actively look for someone else to have all to themselves. This isn't a healthy relationship for you and continuing to do the same things is going to provide you the same outcome.

 

 

Turn the tables on her. Cut her off. Vanish from her life and find a woman who will provide the complete package for you. Don't you want and deserve to NOT be someone's' second choice?

[sandylee1]

You can easily block her number and emails.

 

She's using you and quite obviously doesn't have any regard for her bf or she wouldn't be having a 2 year affair.

 

There's lots of single ladies to date. .....why share this one without having the benefit of a gf you can walk down the street with take to events and introduce to your friends and family without any issues .

 

In life, if you put up with being treated badly, that's exactly what will happen. Do you really want to risk her bf finding out and potentially beating you to a pulp?

 

Don't mess with somebody else's girlfriend, or it could end very badly for you.

 

Just keep telling yourself you deserve better . She's displayed very poor boundaries by engaging in this affair as she's in a committed relationship . Of course you've displayed the same poor boundaries, but it's time to end that now.

 

Get busy go out with friends go to the gym, take up a hobby. Anything to distract you from her and keep busy.

[lftbehind]

Hello everyone, as you can tell from my thread title I have a dilemma. I very recently was in affair with this woman for about 2 years. The thing is , I can't understand her lately. she says she wants to just be friends with me one minute but then flirt with me heavy and wants to have sex the next.

 

I still love her but she recently told me she doesn't love me anymore she just cares for me. That was the main reasons we decided to be friends but she keeps switching between acting like a friend and acting like a lover.

 

For the past week though she had been acting very distant to me and it has give me the strength to end our friendship/relationship. Now she feels sad but I don't want to be in that cycle anymore.

 

At the same time, I love her so much and I keep thinking that if we were in a regular relationship maybe things would be different. That's something she always says but she won't break up with her bf because he had helped her when she was going through a bad time. I know she is going to try to contact me again and I need the resolve to leave her alone. I keep getting nagging thoughts about her though do any of you know how to stay strong in this situation? Also I feel disgusted in myself for even engaging in this relationship. I won't do this again.

 

Sorry if any of this is confusing to you all.

 

Hi Azrael,

You need to break up with this woman and move on. She is very selfish and will only keep messing with your mind. You deserve someone who will be only yours and treat you well consistently. She probably does care some, but she is basically looking out for her own wants and needs. You can do way better and one day you'll wonder what you saw in her. It might take a little time. Good luck!

[Azrael]

You wouldn't have to be with two people, she would. And um ....she already is.

 

 

 

It seems pretty clear then that you're just a f*ck buddy for her, so why not roll with the punches (assuming the sex is good) and just be that? I agree with Anika that she's really not showing respect for either of you and that she's rationalizing and doesn't seem to be in control of her drive and it's bscly calling the shots. She'll be back for more sex, don't worry, *unless* she found another guy to be her #2.

 

btw, her "respect" for #1 is mainly that he just treats her the best imo, like I assume his "kindness" is he gives her stuff and probably provides for her emotional needs. So it's not really respect, it's that he sponsors her large enough for the top spot.

 

My main problem with this is how can you tell who is #1 or #2? Our relationship started out sexual sure but we both started to catch feelings about 4 months in. I still think the main reason why she stays with him is because he helped her when she was battling depression. And also she didn't start acting differently until recently when I told her about how I felt.

 

What's interesting about this thread is it highlights just how selfish and self centered this gal is. She WANTS to have it all. The loving, stable BF at home and then some side "strange" as well.

 

 

OP- you're clearly far too emotionally invested in this gal. The fact that you're posting on this site demonstrates that you're not too thrilled about being her door mat and her dictating all the shots.

 

 

Only you can decide if you want to continue being her puppet. I think some guys would continue to screw her but would say to themselves "I need more than this" and actively look for someone else to have all to themselves. This isn't a healthy relationship for you and continuing to do the same things is going to provide you the same outcome.

 

 

Turn the tables on her. Cut her off. Vanish from her life and find a woman who will provide the complete package for you. Don't you want and deserve to NOT be someone's' second choice?

 

No, I don't like being a second choice at all.

 

You can easily block her number and emails.

True I have no excuse here

 

n life, if you put up with being treated badly, that's exactly what will happen. Do you really want to risk her bf finding out and potentially beating you to a pulp?

 

While I doubt he would ever touch me, I do understand what you are getting at.

 

Just keep telling yourself you deserve better . She's displayed very poor boundaries by engaging in this affair as she's in a committed relationship . Of course you've displayed the same poor boundaries, but it's time to end that now.

 

You know, that's what gets me sometimes I was always someone who hated this kind of thing but look at me now..

 

Get busy go out with friends go to the gym, take up a hobby. Anything to distract you from her and keep busy

 

Yes, this makes sense to me noted.

 

Hi Azrael,

You need to break up with this woman and move on. She is very selfish and will only keep messing with your mind. You deserve someone who will be only yours and treat you well consistently. She probably does care some, but she is basically looking out for her own wants and needs. You can do way better and one day you'll wonder what you saw in her. It might take a little time. Good luck!

 

Hello, lftbehind. It's just hard really hard to break from her. I have never felt this crazy about someone before and we have so much in common it isn't usually like this with the single women I meet. Painfully though, I am trying believe me.

 

Thanks though everyone who took the time out to reply to my thread and gave advice.

[lftbehind]

My main problem with this is how can you tell who is #1 or #2? Our relationship started out sexual sure but we both started to catch feelings about 4 months in. I still think the main reason why she stays with him is because he helped her when she was battling depression. And also she didn't start acting differently until recently when I told her about how I felt.

 

 

 

No, I don't like being a second choice at all.

 

 

True I have no excuse here

 

 

 

While I doubt he would ever touch me, I do understand what you are getting at.

 

 

 

You know, that's what gets me sometimes I was always someone who hated this kind of thing but look at me now..

 

 

 

Yes, this makes sense to me noted.

 

 

 

Hello, lftbehind. It's just hard really hard to break from her. I have never felt this crazy about someone before and we have so much in common it isn't usually like this with the single women I meet. Painfully though, I am trying believe me.

 

Thanks though everyone who took the time out to reply to my thread and gave advice.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's very hard to break from someone that you have feelings for and a connection with. I haven't been able to break from MM, even though I know he's not good for me. It's only when you let go that you can get over them, feel better and move on. You will know when you are ready to let go. Best wishes

[FusionCutter]

You must learn to let go or you will never rid yourself of the hurtful feelings.

 

Let go in love or in hatred. Easier said than done, but just remind yourself, people that are really in love don't do this. You are single and available. If she wanted to you to herself, she could have done the right thing. If she can't do the right then, then you can do the right things for yourself and her.

 

The right thing is NC, block, delete, erase her from your life. It is the only way you will be able to feel better.

[jen1447]

My main problem with this is how can you tell who is #1 or #2? Our relationship started out sexual sure but we both started to catch feelings about 4 months in. I still think the main reason why she stays with him is because he helped her when she was battling depression. And also she didn't start acting differently until recently when I told her about how I felt.

Well she pretty much says and/or implies thru actions that you're #2, right? I mean she's putting you in the shoebox, not the other guy.