Contacted the ex... I can finally let go.

[fireflywy]

First, I can't recommend this for ANYONE else here. All situations are different and unique.

 

So, first off, I had posted last weekend about running into my ex. At first I tried to be upbeat, but it was damn hard and having a job of quiet outdoor labor for the summer where all you have is 8 hours to think, I was quietly dying.

 

My mind began to ask of all that I did wrong and while they weren't big things they were enough to make me feel guilty that in our parting, I never admitted to my faults.

 

Now, when I saw her, she did have another guy and I did want her back while also knowing that it wouldn't happen.

 

So today, i called her. Previously she had had me blocked and when I texted her, she responded 30 minutes later as she boarded her flight. I then called her and she answered.

 

I apologized for all of my faults in the relationship. I know that I was needy at times and even though her reactions/our communication didn't help, I had to adress that issue.

 

I startrd off with telling her that I knew she had someone else and all of that and that I wasn't trying to upset her or upset the guy she found mere weeks after our parting.(She said, "Oh yeah, he's military. He's nothing long term.")

 

She made some small talk about her work and I asked her about her family. She is excited for some future career prospects which, looking back now, wouldn't have been conducive to a good family life/work balance.

 

She then asked about me and how I was doing, and quite honestly, I told her the truth. I told her that these last 5 months have been hard to move on, that it was hard because I had once saw a future for us and that I had loved her, that I still loved her and that I was sorry for my role. Her response was that I did nothing wrong.

 

When things turned back to her new guy, her statement above, I said that's cool and then she said she had to go as her plane was taking off. She said "I can call you when I get there" and said "Naw, that's okay" and then we said goodbye.

 

As she flew, I texted her one last thing that I didn't get to say in our conversation thanking her for the memories and that I would treasure them.

 

She never said anything about getting back together, about missing me, or any affections she might have had and you know what....

 

I'M ACTUALLY FINE.

 

I know now, even though I apologized in the aftermath of the relationship, that THIS call was a better ending beyond the passions of the immediate aftermath. She was gracious enough to take the call, give me her time, and help me find some closure.

 

What's more, is that she knows that I love her and that I gave my absolute best.

 

And yes, I cried this afternoon because I had finally given up hope of ANY future together, which I, even after all of how I was treated, always thought we could someday fix.

 

My accounts are all balanced.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I'm not sure this was a good thing to do and you might be feeling a bit of the "contact high". But if it does actually help you, then cool. The main problem with this is that it often turns into an "oh by the way, I forgot to say this" contact and a "just in case you were wondering" contact to follow up. Just don't be that guy.

[fireflywy]

Yeah, I'm not sure this was a good thing to do and you might be feeling a bit of the "contact high". But if it does actually help you, then cool. The main problem with this is that it often turns into an "oh by the way, I forgot to say this" contact and a "just in case you were wondering" contact to follow up. Just don't be that guy.

 

Yeah. I hear you. I'm not that guy with the exception of the text. She's gone and I just wanted the peace of knowing that there won't be hard feelings, disappointment, yes, but I was starting to hate and I don't want to be that way. I'm letting her go. I truly am.

[loveiswar101]

Ok, if your happy with what you have done, now is the time to MOVE ON !

 

Go NC from this point on and over time things will get better for you, i'm almost certain there will be ups and downs, but over time it will all be good.

 

Best of luck.....

[RedButton]

Nice to hear it helped. I'm on the verge of contacting my ex after about 6+ months since the breakup.

 

I'm only doing it because I've seen her around my neighbourhood surprisingly often (I think she's dating someone who lives a street away from me). Each time we see eachother we just ignore eachother and pretend we don't exist.

 

I'm sick of the awkwardness and just want to come out and say 'No hard feelings, feel free to say hello, I hope I can do the same'. I'm glad that you feel it worked out for you, and I hope it's the same for me.

[jen1447]

Congratulations, fireflywy. Closure wins in my book.

[imtrying211]

Nice to hear it helped. I'm on the verge of contacting my ex after about 6+ months since the breakup.

 

I'm only doing it because I've seen her around my neighbourhood surprisingly often (I think she's dating someone who lives a street away from me). Each time we see eachother we just ignore eachother and pretend we don't exist.

 

I'm sick of the awkwardness and just want to come out and say 'No hard feelings, feel free to say hello, I hope I can do the same'. I'm glad that you feel it worked out for you, and I hope it's the same for me.

 

I recently broke a 30+ day NC with my ex for similar reasons. We work in the same building, so we see each other practically daily. The awkwardness was becoming too much, and I felt it was unnecessary. I waited until I was at a point where I would expect nothing else from the conversation other than to "clear the air". I told him that I knew he was back with his previous G/F, and that we couldn't be friends, but we could at least be civil towards each other being that we did have to see each other. Our conversation went well, and I feel better having done it. I did go home that day and have a good cry though, because it was the point where I finally gave up hope of him coming back. But I feel that's what I needed in order to really put this behind me. It's different when you can't completely delete the person from your life.

[aloneinaz]

I'm glad you feel better in your decision to make contact. But, I also agree with Simon in that you're simply feeling a bit of a rush in having contact w/her again after 5 months. I really worry that this is going to have a rebound negative effect on you when the high you're feeling wears off.

 

 

I've just never been an advocate of contact once a relationship ends, especially if the person making the contact was dumped. I think these contacts only keep you stuck in the past drama of the relationship, especially like the OP who clearly isn't over her.

 

 

When someone tells me it's over and doesn't want me in their life anymore, the LAST thing I'd feel compelled to do is contact them to stroke their egos further. They said they don't want us in their lives anymore and want to move on to date and screw other people. I think we should provide that opportunity by simply vanishing from their lives so they can do just that.

 

 

At the end of the day, everyone needs to do what they feel is best for them. I totally support that. I just have seen far too many threads where people posted that they contacted an ex and feel terrible and like they are back to day one in their healing. SO, people should really use caution before breaking NC..

[fireflywy]

I'm glad you feel better in your decision to make contact. But, I also agree with Simon in that you're simply feeling a bit of a rush in having contact w/her again after 5 months. I really worry that this is going to have a rebound negative effect on you when the high you're feeling wears off.

 

 

I've just never been an advocate of contact once a relationship ends, especially if the person making the contact was dumped. I think these contacts only keep you stuck in the past drama of the relationship, especially like the OP who clearly isn't over her.

 

 

When someone tells me it's over and doesn't want me in their life anymore, the LAST thing I'd feel compelled to do is contact them to stroke their egos further. They said they don't want us in their lives anymore and want to move on to date and screw other people. I think we should provide that opportunity by simply vanishing from their lives so they can do just that.

 

 

At the end of the day, everyone needs to do what they feel is best for them. I totally support that. I just have seen far too many threads where people posted that they contacted an ex and feel terrible and like they are back to day one in their healing. SO, people should really use caution before breaking NC..

 

 

I get what Simon says but actually I'm not. In the 24 hours since had the conversation, things she said put her in an entirely new light. When she was with me she was waiting for a greenlite for a federal job which was on hold due to the sequester. I had always told her that if there was no future and she was just goin to leave, that we shouldn't date. I myself, had just finished another degree and was looking for work so I had tremendous flexibility. However, I, in completing this, was living at home.

 

Then the sequester was lifted and things started right up for her. Thinking she mighf leave soon, and having spoken that it just wasn't a fling, I suported her throught the process. However, some things went haywire and she was denied the position back in June of last year.

 

She had been living in an apartment before the no letter, and a month before that letter, her aprtment had a bedbug outbreak. Figuring she woukdnt be there much longer, got rid of a lot of stuff, and she began staying at an older mans house she watched (he lives somewhere else and comes back every 2 to 3 months for housecheck for a week.) She wasnt even sure if she was supposed to be there most times. Whenever he came back, my mother welcomed her at my house.

 

Well, she appealed the no letter, and we figured it would only be a month or two before she got a decisIon. We waited and waited. Meanwhile, because this happened, even though she's very successful and earns a good living, I was working my hardest to get a good job so we could start a life together but things aren't coming easy.

 

When she had thought about the job, she saw it as a golden ticket but it isn't a job easily conducive to family and they would move her every three years, which means I would have had to accept it. I did. note: she also wanted kids with this and her job could place her anywhere working 50 hrs a week.

 

However, during one conversation about it I had asked her how it would work with kids and she said "You know what fine. If I can't have this job, perhaps I should leave you and go marry a doctor so I can have what I want!"

 

(She makes $70,000 here in Wyoming which is a killing here.she also loves her current job, but doesn't like this area)

 

That hurt a lot. I have a masters, a bachelors, and two associates) and still csnt get back to my old earning power. I work, yes, but I make very little at the moment. with that said, I paid for our nights out 3 times to every one of hers.

 

So anywy, her friends csme.into the picture, and where it was.once just she and I, she was slipping away. Being disrespectful, etc (see my strean of concious thread for details).

 

As she was doing this, and as we were going back and forth (she was paying for an EMPTY apartment to stores her cats when the guy she watched house for came back) she started hammering me for living at home. This REALLY hurt me. I was trying so hard to earn her respect, and find common ground. I treated her very well.

 

Not ONCE did she say after a year and half together "Let's get an apartment together."

She also refused to get one when everyone said she probably should. She was still waiting even though it would take time.

 

Needless to say, that I was feeling unloved and ended it with her.

 

A week later, after breaking up, I wanted to see if we could make it work. I didn't really want it over but she had never said I love you without me saying it first, was distancing herself from me, and her friends were inserting themselves into us. (All in my other thread)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/523770-i-do-my-best-but-stream-conciousness-rant

 

When I came back, she said that she had once defended me living at home to her friends but that her friends had the attitude of "well,.we did it.on our own,.he can too) but none of them have EVER had a career shift and they were all settled into their first job which I could have been if I hadn't dared something better.

 

Anwyay, when had said I loved her, she didn't know if she felf the same, and said she didn't know about her career. There were someother disrespect issues from her side but when I ended it, I said that I loved her, wanted to marry her, but the things she was saying made me feel as If she was on a different page. Her response was "Okay"

 

When I said, that's it? She said "I don't fight for those who want to leave." Even though I was there before her saying I wanted it work but that it was HER who seemed on a capered page.

 

So anyway, when I talked to her five days later to get some stuff, we talked about getting back together and her response was "I need to think about it." It had been a year and a half together already.

 

We had some follow up discussions, I was eventually blocked for a short while, and she was dating websites the very next day and within two weeks she had a new boyfriend.

Here is where this final conversation came to a closure point for me. She told me that her appeal had FINALLY gone through (just got it a year later) but that she has a two year wait. This happened recently and is in line with the three year prohibitions in her rejection letter that she received last June.

 

Anyway, she said the new guy "Was nothing long term" but the guy has a house and she said she still hadng leff the other house we once shared together.

 

When I heard that, in the aftermath, I realized a few things

 

1. She's a serial monogamist. She can't be alone.

 

2. She's a definite love avoidant (she said her mom never let her express feelings and that if we ever had kids, id end up being the one to tend to them for her career or let them cry as jnfants in a room. Oh and she said she may get a surrogate and when asked about bonding, she sai "Well, I'll do that later." And she WANTS kids.

 

3. She's passive agressive. Never told me what was on her mind but could be extremely defensive and cutting over the most minor or even inconsequential things. Alwaya went with her friends flow even if there was one or two who she hated or complained about or when she DIDNT want to do something with them.

 

4. I think she's a user. She used me to occupy her time after her separation and divorce (of course she "liked me"] and is now using this guy (he's chained to military here while she is definitely set on leaving) because he is the first one to come around and because he has a house.

 

5. She didn't love me. She doesn't know how to love. Relationships to her are about one accepting her behaviors, wants, goals, ideas and convenience from what she can get from them, not about what SHE can give in a mutually loving, nurturing, supportive way.

 

So, to answer the question of whether I'll be "that" guy. The answer is a resounding NO.

While it hurts that I wasn't loved, I'm immensely better then I was yesterday and can put it down.

Edited June 5, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Double post

[aloneinaz]

1. She's a serial monogamist. She can't be alone.

 

2. She's a definite love avoidant (she said her mom never let her express feelings and that if we ever had kids, id end up being the one to tend to them for her career or let them cry as jnfants in a room. Oh and she said she may get a surrogate and when asked about bonding, she sai "Well, I'll do that later." And she WANTS kids.

 

3. She's passive agressive. Never told me what was on her mind but could be extremely defensive and cutting over the most minor or even inconsequential things. Alwaya went with her friends flow even if there was one or two who she hated or complained about or when she DIDNT want to do something with them.

 

4. I think she's a user. She used me to occupy her time after her separation and divorce (of course she "liked me"] and is now using this guy (he's chained to military here while she is definitely set on leaving) because he is the first one to come around and because he has a house.

 

5. She didn't love me. She doesn't know how to love. Relationships to her are about one accepting her behaviors, wants, goals, ideas and convenience from what she can get from them, not about what SHE can give in a mutually loving, nurturing, supportive way.

 

So, to answer the question of whether I'll be "that" guy. The answer is a resounding NO.

While it hurts that I wasn't loved, I'm immensely better then I was yesterday and can put it down.

 

 

I have to ask, after reading all these horrible attributes of her and the fact that she wasn't exactly nice to you during the relationship; why would you want ANY contact with this person ever again?

 

 

Again, I understand that you wanted/needed to do this but it's 100% opposite of what most folks would do. Would you contact a boss that nastily fired you that you busted your butt, working for to have closure?

 

 

I just worry that your contact with her may validate her behavior in her mind towards you. That it was "ok" to be the type of person you describe her as and she'll continue to be a douche bag to other guys in her life.

 

 

If this contact helps you move forward and puts this relationship in the past, I'm very happy for you. Most would say you're no where near over her and you simply wanted to speak to her again, possibly hoping she'd say she wants you back.

 

 

Either way, I hope you find happiness.

[fireflywy]

Well, not everything was bad and I WAS having a hard time. I don't know if I could always explain eveything but our conversation put everything into perspective. It validated a lot of my actions which she always had me questioning after I broke up 5 montgs ago with statements like "Wed still be together if you hadn't left" as well as some sweet emails and such offering broad concessions and generalizations which made her seem like she cared.

 

It wasn't until I heard about the resumption of the her job attempt and the statement about the other guy was made that I finally understood what the pictures of the puzzle pieces all meant.

 

As for me contacting her, I'll admit, yeah there was some small hope that maybe I was something to her on a deeper level and that maybe it would be revealed, it wasn't of course.

 

I can't explain it all except to say, I feel so much better and more complete in knowing that NOTHING I would have done would have worked with this person. That's what I struggled with post break up, and now I know differently.

 

That, in itself, gives me so much peace. I know I did my best and now I can finally pick myself up off the ground and let it all GO.