Co-worker xAP is now acting nice again?

[C2681]

Hi there. I'm new to this board, and hoping by talking it will help me through. I did the worst type of A - co-worker and to make matters worse he is on my team and our desks are opposite. D-day was 10/22/14 and he went to work on his marriage with his wife. I never asked him nor him me about leaving our spouses - it just was our "friendship" that we needed outside of our spouses. We were physical but never slept together and he was the primary winner of those physical moments, but more so an EA since we talked constantly throughout the day at work and spewed over to home. So long story short we were selfish and wanted our families and each other. Even so selfish that we started "double dating" and had family gatherings because we were friends before AP and just wanted to hang out with each other and that was another avenue.

 

Fastfoward 6 months after EA started and we come to 10-22, his W went through his phone and found messages. He texted asking to talk and I didn't want to. He asked me to apologize to his wife, I obliged because he was so upset about possibly losing his family. Husband doesn't know about A, well I'm sure he does I just never told him. I'm sure he questioned why we spent so much time together, he's not stupid. On DDay he came to my home to drop off a key he has to our house, and walks off. Thank god H was away otherwise it could have been so much worse.

 

We get to work and he is cold, like ice cold, and our team sees our new dynamic. I start getting questions, it's known something happened and I'm guessing people think things as well. I try to wish him a happy bday, he tells me to keep things only work related (dec). So I obliged - then we talked March and he apologized to me and I to him for hurting him and putting him in this position. Contact remained sporadic (LC really and ONLY work related) until the last couple of weeks.

 

I've caught him watching me, he smiles and says good morning to me when I come into the office and walk to my desk (I pass him since I'm at the ends of the row and he sits opposite me), IMs stupid unnecessary questions about work, and now that we are on a project together is asking to meet in person vs. IM. I still flutter when he looks at me, and I'm trying I'm really trying to only keep communication as minimal as possible for our jobs, but it's so hard. It's like I can't shake him - I'm usually really good at burying feelings and tend to do that in everyday life but he stumps me. I can't hide that he makes me blush when he looks at me. We had a team lunch today and he attended the first one in 8 months, sat right across from me and I had to wear my sunglasses in the restaurant so people wouldn't notice that I was looking anywhere but our table. He also left at the same time I did, we walked to our cars and I remained silent quickly walking. We also live and commute the same way and kept running into eachother on the drive home.

 

Please help, I think I'm going crazy pver analyzing things and thinking is he isn't he. I thought I was making progress... What is wrong with me? I have a wonderful H and kids at home, but xMM talks or walks by and I can't breathe? ?

 

When will this subside?

[Popsicle]

I always say when two people are attracted to each other, being "friends" is just an exercise in extended foreplay.

 

It appears things have calmed down enough at home with the wife/gf for him to start flirting with you again. This was not planned though. He's just acting on his feelings. All it takes is for wife to rev up again and he will be slamming the door in your face once again. Just remember that. It's up to him (and you when it comes to dedicating yourself to your M) to put a lid on it.

[anika99]

Yeah, things have cooled down at home and now he wants your attention again. Perhaps he thinks he's too smart to get caught the same way again, thinks his wife won't catch on so long as he's careful this time. I'd say he's being a fool if he thinks his wife won't be watching. She might not be giving him a hard time anymore but she's got her radar turned on now and she will be quick to spot the signs.

 

If she catches him messing with you again she is going to be way more pissed than she was the last time. I'm surprised she didn't tell your husband the first time she caught you at this. I wouldn't count on her letting you off that easy the second time. And the MM will cut you off in a heartbeat. Just like he did the first time and you will be left hanging out in the wind by yourself.

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't count on her letting you off that easy the second time. And the MM will cut you off in a heartbeat. Just like he did the first time

 

This is true.

 

and you will be left hanging out in the wind by yourself.

 

Yes, but not exactly. OP has a husband to go back to too.

 

OP you should stop this thing before he does.

[Red123]

Yeah, things have cooled down at home and now he wants your attention again. Perhaps he thinks he's too smart to get caught the same way again, thinks his wife won't catch on so long as he's careful this time. I'd say he's being a fool if he thinks his wife won't be watching. She might not be giving him a hard time anymore but she's got her radar turned on now and she will be quick to spot the signs.

 

If she catches him messing with you again she is going to be way more pissed than she was the last time. I'm surprised she didn't tell your husband the first time she caught you at this. I wouldn't count on her letting you off that easy the second time. And the MM will cut you off in a heartbeat. Just like he did the first time and you will be left hanging out in the wind by yourself.

 

I have to agree. Before my H had an A I would never have checked up on him or even known extra places to check(there's the obvious ones). Now if he is acting even a bit off my senses kick in immediately. People always think things cool down and wives get back to normal. I don't think we ever get back to normal, actually we are now more knowledgable and much less trusting.

[adna89]

Tell him this "so things are cool at home now,are you sure you want to destroy that once again? and hurt me and the wife once again"

 

seriously,think with your heard woman! this guy is such a selfish jerk

[C2681]

I Thank each of you for responding and reading this as I get ready for work. You are all right, and I wish she knew because she is a good and caring and loving person. She asked me questions when I apologized and was so hurt that I couldn't do that to her again. The problem is when we talked it seemed like they were going to just sweep this under the rug after she "got past it." I hope for both their sakes they didn't. I really want him to be happy, he was a friend first and foremost and she can make him happy. I just wish that he would realize that just trying to talk to me not only hurts me but more importantly her,, the person he chose to work things out with.

 

 

I now have a clearer head to go to work and keep it only work related conversation in our meeting today. It's amazing how quick things can slide backwards when it comes to these people.

[GirlStillStrong]

If it were me and he did not stop here shortly, I would tell her. IMO, it's THEIR problem he is like this, not yours. But he is dragging you into it. Do you really need to allow someone else's dysfunction into your life? What does it get you?

 

You can be attracted to someone and not do anything about it. Can you see just how foolish this guy actually is? Look past your feelings and be objective about who he is and what his character is. Do you want to be just like him by reciprocating?

[Popsicle]

I Thank each of you for responding and reading this as I get ready for work. You are all right, and I wish she knew because she is a good and caring and loving person. She asked me questions when I apologized and was so hurt that I couldn't do that to her again. The problem is when we talked it seemed like they were going to just sweep this under the rug after she "got past it." I hope for both their sakes they didn't. I really want him to be happy, he was a friend first and foremost and she can make him happy. I just wish that he would realize that just trying to talk to me not only hurts me but more importantly her,, the person he chose to work things out with.

 

 

I now have a clearer head to go to work and keep it only work related conversation in our meeting today. It's amazing how quick things can slide backwards when it comes to these people.

 

So happy for you that you are thinking clearly. It's not easy to take the high road like this And stay strong so I commend you.

[Popsicle]

It's funny because he knew how he was supposed to act toward you right after Dday (distant and detached), so he IS capable of doing it.

 

You can tell him the same exact thing he told you then, to keep things work related only.

 

Have you considered getting another job or transferring?

Edited June 5, 2015 by Popsicle

[C2681]

If it were me and he did not stop here shortly, I would tell her. IMO, it's THEIR problem he is like this, not yours. But he is dragging you into it. Do you really need to allow someone else's dysfunction into your life? What does it get you?

 

You can be attracted to someone and not do anything about it. Can you see just how foolish this guy actually is? Look past your feelings and be objective about who he is and what his character is. Do you want to be just like him by reciprocating?

 

I wouldn't want to hurt her anymore - if she is starting to trust him again I wouldn't want to crush whatever progress they are making. They have two beautiful girls and when it happened she talked about how she didn't know if she could stay with him after knowing he was with me the same way he was with her. XMM and I never talked about his past prior to W, only that he was very "nerdy" growing up and he would like girls and make mix tapes and get shot down all the time. My assumption through our talks was she was his first girlfriend - they had been together for 14 years since he was in college. I tried to console her that he really did love her and we never talked about a "fantasy life" together. It's really sick and twisted and we acknowledged it at the time of our back and forth conversations after DDay - how she could only really talk to me about her feelings cause if she stayed she didn't want friends or family to look at him differently...

 

So long story short - I care about him and want him to be happy and I guess if she is the one I don't want to ruin a chance for him to work it with her. I think character wise - he is feeling like someone other than W actually found him attractive and it's a ego thing probably. But yes he needs to really work whatever he is thinking in his head out - because she and I deserve more respect than he is giving us.

[C2681]

It's funny because he knew how he was supposed to act toward you right after Dday (distant and detached), so he IS capable of doing it.

 

You can tell him the same exact thing he told you then, to keep things work related only.

 

Have you considered getting another job or transferring?

 

I have applied to other positions within the organization and have had talks with other managers of departments I work with. When headcount is available I think I have some good leads. I know I have to leave for my sanity - it makes it so much harder to get over him being so close. Crossing my fingers things get posted soon ?

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't want to hurt her anymore - if she is starting to trust him again I wouldn't want to crush whatever progress they are making. They have two beautiful girls and when it happened she talked about how she didn't know if she could stay with him after knowing he was with me the same way he was with her. XMM and I never talked about his past prior to W, only that he was very "nerdy" growing up and he would like girls and make mix tapes and get shot down all the time. My assumption through our talks was she was his first girlfriend - they had been together for 14 years since he was in college. I tried to console her that he really did love her and we never talked about a "fantasy life" together. It's really sick and twisted and we acknowledged it at the time of our back and forth conversations after DDay - how she could only really talk to me about her feelings cause if she stayed she didn't want friends or family to look at him differently...

 

So long story short - I care about him and want him to be happy and I guess if she is the one I don't want to ruin a chance for him to work it with her. I think character wise - he is feeling like someone other than W actually found him attractive and it's a ego thing probably. But yes he needs to really work whatever he is thinking in his head out - because she and I deserve more respect than he is giving us.

 

I think you are spot on in your conclusions. It sounds like he has a great emotional connection with his W, but they are missing passion. He needs to stop playing with you and accept his life. He cares about (loves) his wife and he needs to deliberately dig his heels in.

Edited June 5, 2015 by Popsicle

[C2681]

I think you are spot on in your conclusions. It sounds like he has a great emotional connection with his W, but they are missing passion. He needs to stop playing with you and accept his life. He cares about (loves) his wife and he needs to deliberately dig his heels in.

 

Popsicle you are so right. There just was something I couldn't quite put my finger on their relationship... He loves her but sometimes they sounded like old friends or "roommates" even we we would go out on dates with them - no physical connection at all - hand holding, touching, nothing. Even my husband pointed it out - that they had an interesting dynamic because we (H and I) are both very physically affectionate even in front of them. xMM asked that I dress down when we would go out together with spouses so he would not focus on me so much. "I have to consciously focus on W, and catch myself watching you too much." I obliged (yet again) but couldn't understand how if that is what he is craving (he always told me he was so envious of my H because of how I am with him) why he would stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill him... Not that I have room to talk - cause if I was completely fulfilled I wouldn't have had an A... Guess I'll never have answers to those questions.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle you are so right. There just was something I couldn't quite put my finger on their relationship... He loves her but sometimes they sounded like old friends or "roommates" even we we would go out on dates with them - no physical connection at all - hand holding, touching, nothing. Even my husband pointed it out - that they had an interesting dynamic because we (H and I) are both very physically affectionate even in front of them. xMM asked that I dress down when we would go out together with spouses so he would not focus on me so much. "I have to consciously focus on W, and catch myself watching you too much." I obliged (yet again) but couldn't understand how if that is what he is craving (he always told me he was so envious of my H because of how I am with him) why he would stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill him... Not that I have room to talk - cause if I was completely fulfilled I wouldn't have had an A... Guess I'll never have answers to those questions.

 

So what are you missing in your marriage?

[the_artist_1970]

Popsicle you are so right. There just was something I couldn't quite put my finger on their relationship... He loves her but sometimes they sounded like old friends or "roommates" even we we would go out on dates with them - no physical connection at all - hand holding, touching, nothing. Even my husband pointed it out - that they had an interesting dynamic because we (H and I) are both very physically affectionate even in front of them. xMM asked that I dress down when we would go out together with spouses so he would not focus on me so much. "I have to consciously focus on W, and catch myself watching you too much." I obliged (yet again) but couldn't understand how if that is what he is craving (he always told me he was so envious of my H because of how I am with him) why he would stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill him... Not that I have room to talk - cause if I was completely fulfilled I wouldn't have had an A... Guess I'll never have answers to those questions.

 

Every marriage on the planet has "something" missing. You are looking for holes in their M to justify your A with him. The fact that you had an A with someone you and your DH socialize with is a big, big error in your judgement and shows that you allowed yourself to lower your values. Just because M couples are not fawning all over each other in public doesn't mean that they lack intimacy. Some ppl don't like PDAs. And the fact that he told you to dress down because he is lusting after you shows his disrespect for you as a woman and shows that he feels like you are the kind of woman who needs that kind of attention.

[C2681]

So what are you missing in your marriage?

 

At the time my husband was going through a mid-life crisis. He also has anger issues, and he in a rage fit last April took something out on our oldest (17) at the time. I couldn't talk to family members for the same reason W couldn't, they would want me to leave and would never forgive my husband. He didn't hurt my son but was physical enough where I was torn if I should leave. I talked to xMM at the time cause we were just "friends" that is where it all started. He listened and it became more personal at that point.

 

H has since been working on his anger issues, and communication issues he as as well. I am working through forgiving him for putting his hands on my son.

[GirlStillStrong]

I wouldn't want to hurt her anymore - if she is starting to trust him again I wouldn't want to crush whatever progress they are making. They have two beautiful girls and when it happened she talked about how she didn't know if she could stay with him after knowing he was with me the same way he was with her. XMM and I never talked about his past prior to W, only that he was very "nerdy" growing up and he would like girls and make mix tapes and get shot down all the time. My assumption through our talks was she was his first girlfriend - they had been together for 14 years since he was in college. I tried to console her that he really did love her and we never talked about a "fantasy life" together. It's really sick and twisted and we acknowledged it at the time of our back and forth conversations after DDay - how she could only really talk to me about her feelings cause if she stayed she didn't want friends or family to look at him differently...

 

So long story short - I care about him and want him to be happy and I guess if she is the one I don't want to ruin a chance for him to work it with her. I think character wise - he is feeling like someone other than W actually found him attractive and it's a ego thing probably. But yes he needs to really work whatever he is thinking in his head out - because she and I deserve more respect than he is giving us.

 

Well, if you think it's your place to "help" someone who apparently continues to make the same mistakes, that's your choice. But I have learned many times over that it is not in my own best interest to lie or live a lie, in order to cover up someone else's secret, no matter what my rationale would be for doing so. That you believe telling the truth to your friend is not in THEIR best interest, and withhold the truth for that reason, seems to me to say that you are still okay with being in the middle of someone else's marriage.

[C2681]

Well, if you think it's your place to "help" someone who apparently continues to make the same mistakes, that's your choice. But I have learned many times over that it is not in my own best interest to lie or live a lie, in order to cover up someone else's secret, no matter what my rationale would be for doing so. That you believe telling the truth to your friend is not in THEIR best interest, and withhold the truth for that reason, seems to me to say that you are still okay with being in the middle of someone else's marriage.

 

I see your point and if she was my friend I would tell her, but we are not friends. We made that known in our discussions, she tolerated me at the time cause he was my friend. We were never more than the other friends spouse, till after DDay where I tried to make her see she could work through this with him. But I'd do think as a woman I should have respected her more, I just don't want to mess anything up they have going. So I just went in had our meeting short and sweet and done.

 

I am trying to be better, maybe I still have a ways to go.

[Popsicle]

At the time my husband was going through a mid-life crisis. He also has anger issues, and he in a rage fit last April took something out on our oldest (17) at the time. I couldn't talk to family members for the same reason W couldn't, they would want me to leave and would never forgive my husband. He didn't hurt my son but was physical enough where I was torn if I should leave. I talked to xMM at the time cause we were just "friends" that is where it all started. He listened and it became more personal at that point.

 

H has since been working on his anger issues, and communication issues he as as well. I am working through forgiving him for putting his hands on my son.

 

What is the connection between this incident with your son and you having an A? Are you suggesting that because of the incident with your son, you don't feel an emotional connection with your H anymore? Because you stated earlier that you two are very affectionate with each other.

 

There are lots of MW's who insist on staying M when they have an A and would/will never leave (regardless of the reasons). You sound like one of those.

[whichwayisup]

Popsicle asked what are you missing in your marriage? My question is, what's missing inside of you to risk your marriage and kids lives/happiness by having an affair with your married co worker?

 

You are extremely lucky that his wife did not call your husband and let him know that you were having an affair with her husband.