DexterLS Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Hey guys I just wanted to add one of my friends experiences in a similar matter. My friend dates his first ex-girlfriend for around 3 years, during that time he was the nicest guy he could be, couldn't be a better boyfriend. The girl quickly turned sour on him and dumped him. He didn't contact her for almost 2 years until one day she sent him a text that went something like this: "Hey this is XXX I know this message is a bit random but I do not want you to get the wrong idea from it, it was more of a long overdue message from years ago. I guess the intentions behind this are honestly selfish because it is about the guilt I have felt. Over the past few years I have been through a lot and been working towards coming out the other end of self reflection and I guess on that journey I realised what a terrible person I was to you. There was no excuse for me to suddenly become a bitch and end the relationship and after that not even treating you with respect or decency like you deserved. I know that you obviously have closure and this may not mean anything at all but I am sincerely sorry for what happened, not for my actions but also my words and the person I became especially towards you. I have gained a lot of perspective over the years and it has eaten away at me a lot and I just have never had the balls to genuinely tellyou how sorry and regretful I have felt. As I have said this may mean nothing to you so just ignore it. I don't really expect a reply, it is just something I felt compelled to do for a long time and felt you deserved it. Anyway congratulations on finishing blahblahblah....Hope life is treating you well and full of happiness and fun! XXX" Can someone explain why if the girl was mean to a really nice boy in her first relationship, they will usually come back and apologise after a few years? When I saw my ex even after 6 weeks, she was apologising for dumping me and leaving me alone all by myself in the country where I had no one to talk to. It doesn't mean anything, but why do girls do that? What is the point? Is it to ease their own guilt so that they don't feel as bad for what they did? Well, the message seems pretty clear to me. She did it to relieve the guilt. How did your friend react? Link to post Share on other sites
imbax Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Well, the message seems pretty clear to me. She did it to relieve the guilt. How did your friend react? He was completely over it at that point. He didn't care and told me he just texted her back and thanked her for the message and that was it. No second thoughts of it until I asked about how he dealt with losing his first love (which is when he pulled the message out and showed me his closure). No big deal at all after a few years according to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Oh man, when I read the thread's title, my heart just sank. I didn't want to have to get all stern with you, and I'm glad to see that it didn't mean what I first thought it meant. I was all, "Dammit! He's one who really gets the point of NC!" Glad it wasn't as it first seems! Well, congratulations on your successful NC! It's a nice luxury to have that sort of final approach from the ex to really test your own emotional state. And I know it's got to feel good to know that you're over her, are indifferent and everything. I know for me, it felt like a big weight had been lifted... Edited June 5, 2015 by ZiggyZoo Link to post Share on other sites
towch Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 you'll get there DB. It only took me so long because I refused to cut her out of my life completely. If i'd done this when I should've it would've taken nowhere near the time it did. Stay strong. ^^^^This all day. It been 3 months since i got cheated on & dumped. I feel much better and almost indifferent. But what i really need to do is take a cue from this guy and ignore her ass fully. I misunderstood and thought that since i was about over it i could talk to her when she called but i realize that is about not being a bloody doormat and taking back my power. Thanks Hunk! Link to post Share on other sites
towch Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Hunk, I was just curious...around what time post break up did you feel like you didn't care anymore? My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me and left me 3 months ago and stayed with that guy. I'm at the point right now where I don't think I would want to date her again unless she made huge changes and admitted to her faults but I still think about her every hour of every day. Could you maybe respond with like a timeline of sorts post breakup where things started to feel better? Thank you! There is no real timeline friend. I say this because it's been 3 months for me too and i don't think of her every hour anymore, don't get me wrong i still do maybe 3 - 4 times a day and half of it is telling myself how much of a scum she is lol. How did i get where i am? This is because i had help. what help? for starters i found out she was still seeing OM and growing a relationship when she stated time and time again that she was not. One thing about me and relationship is i don't do competition, i can fight for a girl but not between another guy. I will help her make the decision by subtracting myself plus its a major turn off for me. Lastly, i started going out. Girls came at me 3 times and these girls were girls i wouldn't even try to talk, they were stunning, better looking than my Ex. Unfortunately i was with someone those times lol. That was a major ego boost for me. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Tara, I know what you're saying. I've made it out here as if this message triggered something in me, but it didn't. The first thing i thought when i saw her number was "Oh wow, you've got to be kidding me. Here we go, time to post on LS". I was shocked at the content of the message because I just couldn't believe that this had come out after 4 YEARS, and that this was the EXACT message i was begging for every day for at least 2 years after we broke up. I've let go of the pain she caused me but it was the pain that caused me to become indifferent to her in the first place, over such a long period of time. I just feel NOTHING for her now, reading that message sort of gave me a weird feeling as if I felt sorry for her. I've already deleted it. It's a chapter in my life over, was one of the worst periods of my life and reading that message then deleting it was extremely cathartic. Reading it basically buried any remnants of interest I had in her even deeper into the ground, I just don't care. Stay NC everybody we're all gonna make it Completely agree, az. The sad thing about this is that all it's seem to have done is just make me upset again about my most recent failed relationship. I completely and irreparably destroyed a relationship with a girl who was perfect for me BECAUSE i wasn't over this ex, the one who has now come back and I no longer want. I pushed the right human away from me while hoping the wrong human that pushed me away would come back to me. How completely twisted the world is. :lmao: 2 things i don't quite get about your story: 1) how you begged every day for 2 yrs for someone who was giving you the cold shoulder - how could you not recognize at some point during that time that begging every day continuously for that long was not healthy? 2 yrs? i mean, didn't it strike you after a week or so, or even a month, or a few months, that you were doing yourself a disservice by chasing someone who was obviously not having it? 2) you recognize that you pushed away someone who was perfect for you, yet do nothing to rectify the situation, and instead just sit there passively like 'welp whattya gonna do...' i see like a major disconnect in how both situations were/are being handled here. you pursue girl #1 to the death for 2 yrs while she rejects you that entire time, yet girl #2 you don't give the time of day yet you claim she's the perfect girl. makes no sense to me. i also feel like your idea of nc is a bit misconstrued and your actions in situation #1 caused you to overcompensate and go overboard with the nc in situation #2. Edited June 5, 2015 by dyna85 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Love this thread. And I love how you also included that you are not saying this to fill people up with false hope. But, you're showing that sometimes Ex's do come back. BUT!!! By using NC, we've healed ourselves enough to decide that maybe we don't want them back. More times than not, this is what usually happens in these cases! Good on ya, Dude! Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 2 things i don't quite get about your story: 1) how you begged every day for 2 yrs for someone who was giving you the cold shoulder - how could you not recognize at some point during that time that begging every day continuously for that long was not healthy? 2 yrs? i mean, didn't it strike you after a week or so, or even a month, or a few months, that you were doing yourself a disservice by chasing someone who was obviously not having it? 2) you recognize that you pushed away someone who was perfect for you, yet do nothing to rectify the situation, and instead just sit there passively like 'welp whattya gonna do...' i see like a major disconnect in how both situations were/are being handled here. you pursue girl #1 to the death for 2 yrs while she rejects you that entire time, yet girl #2 you don't give the time of day yet you claim she's the perfect girl. makes no sense to me. i also feel like your idea of nc is a bit misconstrued and your actions in situation #1 caused you to overcompensate and go overboard with the nc in situation #2. Love makes a person do irrational things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hunk Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) Dyna - first off, I didn't pursue this ex that came back to me at all. We broke up, I sent her a message a few weeks later and that was literally it. Not sure where you got the idea i pursued her for 2 years. She essentially made my life hell for 2 years however, by sleeping with my close friends, I had to see her constantly because she was a good friend's sister, she was in my immediate friend's circle. A week after she broke up with me she was with a new guy. Then moved onto my friends. She would go out of her way to sleep with my friends in front of me. She was actively trying to make me miserable. She is absolutely stunning and the will easily be the most attractive woman i'll ever be with, she's drop dead ridiculously good looking so combined with all of that this is why I was hung up on it for so long. In the case of girl #2, I met her while I was still in pain over girl #1. This pain caused me to completely hold back, reserve emotion and treat this new girl like she was some kind of toy that I could utilize when I needed. I stayed with her because I genuinely liked her, we were almost the same person down to our favorite SONG, and I thought i'd get over my ex and be able to cut her out of my life and focus on this new girl. I couldn't, I treated this new girl like complete crap, took her and the entire relationship for granted and she eventually ended it. I tried for 2 months to get girl #2 back, felt even worse than the breakup with girl #1, made a massive thread about her a few months ago, she was essentially telling me to kill myself and that she never wanted anything to do with me again - all I could do was go cold NC. I've not heard anything from her and do not expect to ever hear anything from her again. As for a timeline - there wasn't really one. It was just pain most days for 2 years, to different extents. Some days unbearable (when i had to see her) other days it was tolerable and I got on with it. Eventually, after all this ****, I just literally woke up and realized I was done, i didn't want her and that I was just still damaged from how she treated me, but I had no feelings of wanting to be with her again. THIS is what spilled over into my next relationship, and I tried to explain this to girl #2 as my reasoning for my behavior but obviously she just took it as "you were hung up on your ex, don't ever talk to me again". I had no other option than NC with her - I made my feelings for her crystal clear and she didn't care (which i do not blame her for in the slightest - too little too late) Edited June 5, 2015 by hunk Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) hunk, i got the idea from when you wrote in one of your above posts: 'this was the EXACT message i was begging for every day for at least 2 years after we broke up.' the fact that ex#1 appears to have been rather flawed with her moving on so quickly and as you say she was sleeping with friends in front of you, i would think that would help you move on even more quickly. also, not sure what kind of friends would do this. it seems the sole reason you had difficulty moving past her was her looks too, since that seems to be the primary quality you mention. i mean, her character certainly doesn't seem all that desirable if she truly is as you describe. so stunning and ridiculously good looking is a reason to be hung up over someone for 2 yrs? having trouble being sympathetic for someone who gives this as the major reason for why it was so hard to move past an ex. it's any wonder also that you haven't heard from girl #2. that's my point exactly. you think after how you treated her (in your words - like crap - and having used her like a toy), you would be bending over backwards to make amends, yet you comment that you don't think you'll hear from her again - well duh, i mean, why would she pursue someone further who treated her like crap and does not go out of his way to make it right? better get yourself sorted before girl #3 comes along, for the sake of BOTH parties. Edited June 5, 2015 by dyna85 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Love makes a person do irrational things. i'm irrational when in love too, but pining 2 yrs over an ex who disrespects me to the extent of shoving flings in my face a wk after breakup and onward from there? because that person is beautiful on the outside only? why?! AIJ is another person on the forum who has his head on straight and got over his 'gorgeous' ex in a very brief period when she pulled the same crap. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackbirdSong Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 What's up brother? Very interesting turn of events for you. Four years after the fact and she comes crawling back to you? I must applaud you that you are going to continue to ignore her. I was married when I was younger and if my ex-wife (who basically left me) tried to come back after 4 years, I probably would have taken the bait. Once again, congrats on your progress and determination. I hope it all works out my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Meli22 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 It took FOUR years for her to realize this? Wow, good for you for being completely over her Link to post Share on other sites
Yodaas Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 appreciate the replies fellas! Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 hunk, i got the idea from when you wrote in one of your above posts: 'this was the EXACT message i was begging for every day for at least 2 years after we broke up.' the fact that ex#1 appears to have been rather flawed with her moving on so quickly and as you say she was sleeping with friends in front of you, i would think that would help you move on even more quickly. also, not sure what kind of friends would do this. it seems the sole reason you had difficulty moving past her was her looks too, since that seems to be the primary quality you mention. i mean, her character certainly doesn't seem all that desirable if she truly is as you describe. so stunning and ridiculously good looking is a reason to be hung up over someone for 2 yrs? having trouble being sympathetic for someone who gives this as the major reason for why it was so hard to move past an ex. it's any wonder also that you haven't heard from girl #2. that's my point exactly. you think after how you treated her (in your words - like crap - and having used her like a toy), you would be bending over backwards to make amends, yet you comment that you don't think you'll hear from her again - well duh, i mean, why would she pursue someone further who treated her like crap and does not go out of his way to make it right? better get yourself sorted before girl #3 comes along, for the sake of BOTH parties. All that meant is that he was hoping to hear from her. Doesn't mean he was contacting her or even keeping track of her. And I'm pretty sure girl No. 2 did contact him to try to tell him off further. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted June 6, 2015 Share Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) look, i'm not trying to burst anyone's bubble. i'm just stating the obvious. gotta keep it real. i just think it's a little crazy, that's all. i'm not perfect though either, so i didn't mean if i came across as judgmental/harsh. Edited June 6, 2015 by dyna85 Link to post Share on other sites
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